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You have tons of antagonists - what you need is a villain

You should make one up because you're not stuck in hard sci-fi. I suggest it not be a mineral or an element (because it's likely that we've discovered all the stable elements).

As a complex molecule, you could make up the conditions that cause it to exist. Then, you can tailor the conditions to suit the worlds where you want it to exist in abundance.

The "Spice" of my series has been given the condition it only forms in heavy rocks exposed to minimal heat or sunlight during its formation. This causes my character to chase down objects in the Kuiper Belt to get it - a place no one would want to be, otherwise.

Hi Unbar... you're doing okay. Deep breaths.

The nicest thing anyone can do for you is tell how why they didn't like your story. What you don't want is tons of feedback that it's average or good only to release and have a readersip silence and not know why. Every negative comment makes you more powerful. In so doing, a negative comment is not negative at all but a strengthening comment.

Having read book 1 of Tommy's journey, allow me to weigh in on her points

1) Use of modifiers. I didn't notice this. I'd say it's not that much of an issue. My advice re: editing hasn't changed. Your editor has a vested interest in saying nice things, even if she's unaware of this interest. You're not going to get objective edits from her. Also, everyone on TNBW is falsifying our reviews including me. The only honest reviewer I've ever seen here is Robert Stockington, and they ran him off the site in a day. CFB is close, but he tries too hard to be unreasonable.

2) Descriptions as dialogue tags. I used to be guilty of this - still don't see an issue. I'm saying I don't have a problem with your usage which is 100% of the reason you should ignore me.

wait... what?

Pretend 4 people read your story once it hits market. #1 & #2 like it. #3 is so-so. #4 doesn't like it. 9 times out of 10 it's #4 that leaves the review. You're not writing to please #1 and #2... you're writing to not displease #4. Therefore, even though descriptions as dialogue don't bother me, if they're considered bad by a quarter of the market, you might consider giving it a close look.

(A lot of people have attacked my opinion on this saying "It's my story. I'll write it how I like". This is commendable, but I want you to sell a million copies. 3 million. A billion million.)

3) Too many dialogue tags

I struggle with this on a daily basis. No matter which way I go, someone says not enough or too many. At this time, I lean towards too many deliberately, because no one really wants to read a story where they don't know who's talking. Whereas at least if too many, you know what's goig on even if you don't like the writing

4) Fancy tags

I'm guilty of this too. I'm always reminding myself to stick with the he said / she said.

5) Two spaces after period

I can't recall if I commented this when I read your book 1. Not an issue for me, but see the rule of 1-in-4 above

6) Book too long

Didn't notice the length in book 1. I did notice in book 2, but I was certain to highight the parts in 2 that made me feelthis way.

7) Flat characters

Oooh, this is a difficult one. It's their very flatness that makes them fascinating later in book 1 when they pop. Especially the mother-brother. I like them in all their initial flatness. You won't often hear me say that in my reviews. I can see your reviewer's point that they seem generic and no one wants to wait for them to fill out. That's the problem with today's society - no attention spans.

overall:

Glean what you can from this. Don't need to try to pick what's usable - your instinct will tell you that. Remember she's trying to help you and she belongs to group #4. This is rare and a blessing.

-K

His response to the SHogu is one of the best parts of Act I. Please don't delete/dilute it

speaking of description, here are the promised diagrams... I wish to note in advance, it's not the fact that the lines occur so far apart, it's all easily fixable ordering. I'll get to that at the end

Fixes...

a) would reverse opening vs tunnel. Since the opening is later described as a tunnel, I would make first mention of it "mouth of a tunnel"

b) If "tunnel" appears before "candle" everything is good. If (as is now) "candle" appears before "tunnel" I would mention time of day near the beginning. Once you turn on a light source in a narrative, I must assign the stage evening or night unless instructed otherwise.

c) I suggest a cursory overview in paragraph 1 that contains the fact of i) wall ii) tunnel so that later paragraphs might refer back to these without causingg me mental revisions

As a famous guy I know says, YMMV

For the record, I could have lived my life happily without that extra fluff. Give me the toils of the character any day (Are Boromir's hands chafed on the oar? Is he getting upset at always having to row? Does he secretly have the hots for Legolas?)

Here... try to stick to these sounds:

Indeed. I get these unfortunate, ugly-looking moments where X appears out of nowhere to save Y and it looks like hideous deus ex machina.

Indeed. Think about the word "Imperial"... it's the name of your league (technically).

The British imperial ship. (It's primarily British (league-assignment), but among the British ships, it's a member of a group known as imperial)

The imperial ship (It's of unknown league-assignment but whatever league that is, it's a member of the imperial group)

The American ship (It's of the American (league). It is not of the imperial group)

The Imperial ship (It's of the Imperium (league). It may or may not also be imperial - or all ships in that league might be considered also members of the imperial group)

I didn't intend to extend this to "regent" or "prince" etc of which there may be many entities... so let me apply it now:

If there was a country called "Regent" I would expect to see:
"The Regent ship"
and not
"The regent ship"

For the Imperial part, you might solve it by changing the name of the league. I mean... if Apollo builds a royal ship, he'd have to name it "the Imperial imperial ship" which is a little awkward

once they trapped the Borg with an infinite loop puzzle, I was done with them being cool

as in "banzai"?

a) If your editor doesn't find any major flaws you either have a best-seller or a bad editor

b) a dollar a double-spaced page is about the min you should pay, I've paid $3 per page for line edits plus comments. Generally the more the better work, provided it's a reputable firm.

I put R*cket G*rl Book I through the normal channels. Editor made an interesting observation that MC cries too much. This was a massive comment because my characters don't cry except in extenuating circumstances. This forced me to consider removing the circumstances (or softening them). I haven't made a final descision yet... the changes required significantly alter the story in unintended directions. I haven't decided yet -- still have 40 days to choose. Currently likely to press forward. Only *likely*.