876

(5 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

I guess I'll chime in since I'm one of the perpetrators...

I don't have a fit with a POV character's eyes widen... but I will notice it every time, and if I'm noticing things it means I've been kicked out of the story.

Ah, but why did I notice it? I can't explain that easily, so let me give you a parallel example from another story here (slightly paraphrased for brevity)

not naming names wrote:

Helga's nostrils flared

Yes, you know when your nostrils flare - and sure you can even perceive it, should the nostrils in question be of sufficient diameter. However, I must ask if you've ever seen a beautiful member of the opposite gender and thought "Boy are my nostrils flaring!". If the POV character points out his reaction (be it nostrils or eyes, a tapping boot, or a ruptured spleen) I'll tend to zero in on that, which might not be the writer's intent.

But fear not... plenty of writers use this device. Remember Pippi Longstockings? IIRC her hair adjusts position depending on her level of excitement. Doesn't seem to have dented her book sales.

I liked Windsor

this summary... it's marketing text eventually destinedfor mass market? Or only for use during the search for a publisher?

mmm 15 yrs old and murder was 14 years ago. I see what you did there smile

naming the room is a short cut

You snuff 'em we stuff 'em

To clarify, I had an unusual case where all the characters existed in in-print books and were being actively searched. Combined with an uncommon name, Google couldn't help but join them up. But then tnbw had more hits on my character-names than any other site, so Google happily indexed it first.

I'm not experiencing the issue with this other series of which none is in print and character names are common. (Also I've hidden my name on here).

The company name doesn't fit into the tapestry you've woven. It's like that one pesky red thread that sticks out.

I presume it's like my use of the word "Internet" suddenly in VQF. I've contemplated references to some of the other major brands of today, but I'm so far in the future, I can't see any of those companies surviving. My setting experiences (social) entropic loss. This is to say, the broad message is cultures tend to boil down to nothingness over time, barring brief spikes of inserted energy. This is true of the others such as Star Wars where basically tech hasn't much improved in the past thousand years and there seems to be no will to move forward, and Enders Game where it took an alien invasion to get mankind to stir.

Your setting is one of renewal where old things become new again. This is quite unusual in sci-fi (quick: name all the movies/shows in the last 30 years with a greco-roman, mayan/aztec, Prussian, Babylonian, you-name-the-empire cast in space. Done? Off the top of my head, I only came up with Star Gate). As a result of this scarcity, you're going to have to do unusual things like have a company called Acme.

Side note: In VQ, Arkaya Corp is my equivalent of Acme. They made the droids that hunt Andrea down in her chapter one, and run the waste disposal company in Laurie's story. They so this and much more through a vast series of subsidiary companies. I've devoted significant page space to joining all these companies up, but you might want to go that route if you decide against Acme.

As for chapter one, my thoughts of the AI remain the same. I haven't commented that because I don't want to prompt you into an editing spree on a chapter one. Not until you write those other words "the end". I think a good chapter one is finalized after the last chapter is set in stong. The two chapters should reflect each other in theme, style & tone (reflect -- not rival)

Hope this helps

Careful... Google will follow you here. You may get cases like I did where tnbw results show up in searches ahead of your actual sale items

a) IMO You don't have to say 100% time "Hey there's guards"... saying "They walked down the hall" instead of "he walked down the hall" would suffice.
b) Rebecca has had great success in naming 2 of the honourguard such that they can interact with the scene a little. This is great for keeping them valid.
c) I know I couldn't pull this off. You mean there are 4 cannon fodder characters hanging around? They'd be dead within 2 chapters, I promise.
d) He has a knife??

bzzt!

I'm not rooting for him because I've been told it's a sham. I can't say my unbiased opinion becauseI'm tainted

I presume this is in addition to him no longer trying to save an innocent boy... I think this is the kicker.

Example. [J e n n a] lies cheats and steals from her lover in order to get the guns she needs to abduct Inga. Then lies to the child that she's her mother back from the dead in order to comfort her. Reviewers were still willing to give J a passing mark.

It would appear that there's nothing a villain can do wrong when he's rescuing children. I think I'm committing the same reader error when assessing Cain vs. Andrew

I've been thinking how the story can convince me he's being insincere, and the early comclusions are not promising...

What if they had him hooked up to a lie detector? I'd think the government was "adjusting" the results to ensure his son was murdered.

family/friend testimony? I'd assume extortion / torture.

I think I need Cain to have asserted the fact before it was life & death for anything to convince me otherwise

mmm chocolate and pudding

Ah... I didn't realize he was lying

Stay away from my plot, minx

Glad they're able to treat you so quickly. Waiting times would have sucked.

Ahhh this is cleaner that it first seems. Let us consider The Prophet IRL (Mohammed). Consider a follower of Islam saying:

I studied the life of the Prophet. Now I want to become a prophet

This wouldn't work for "king" for us because the listener would say "wait... which king?". In Rebecca's story it would work for "the Ard Rhi" since there's only ever one of them at a time.

Therefore, rule of one cannot apply to prophet or king. Similarly in your second example "No king (among many) and no regent (among many) has pardonned a traitor." You could get away with "the Regent" when referring to the Joseph's mother (provided in your world, it's as unique as Amy's Voice), but you'd generally get bogged down while generalizing them (As we do IRL when saying "No Pope/pope has ever drank wine" which I would argue is general and should be lowercase, but when "The Pope hasn't drank wine" I think of one specific (living) guy).

Scared yet?

Interesting problem.

"Police" implies justice system. Hanging traitors (instead of allowing them a trial which they will probably get out on technicalities that Andrew never killed anyone) implies autocracy (or widespread corruption in the justice system).

I think your life will be much simpler if you just ignore police and make everything guards and robots.

-K

896

(87 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I agree the font is a little too skinny given the complexity of the graphics behind it. Overall, I liked it.

Is that Amelia? Reminds me of harley quinn. You should give her a bat in the story

-K

You might also consider naming the government if you plan to use it a lot. Just like we can say "The Whitehouse spokesman" irl or "Parliament Hill passed a law"

Some minor word tweaks to clarify the [subject pronouns] and imply that the people are generally {against} it:

Given its history with and proximity to [its enemy], New Bethlehem is under constant threat from plots to undermine or overthrow its government. For this reason, it has adopted strict rule of law as a means of defending itself from attack, giving the government broad powers to detain and interrogate citizens suspected of treason. The interrogations, known as inquisitions, are considered harsh by Realm standards. Those found guilty are executed by public hanging, as a clear warning to others. Although there is {} pressure from {} Realm {inhabitants} to eliminate these practices, {the government has assured them the techniques are} necessary to protect their world from the Imperium, which many believe is the literal [arena] of Satan. {Government spokespeople} claim that capital punishment is consistent with the Bible, while opponents claim that, since Jesus fulfilled the Mosaic Laws, capital punishment should be abolished, frequently quoting John 8:7 of the New Testament: “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” {Some within the government have accused} overly vocal critics {} of being Imperial sympathizers.

taken out of context, this section is impossible to decipher. The keyworks are in the OT when they say the Old Covenant (mosaic) is done-for and when the messiah arrives it will be replaced with a new covenant

Interesting. Wikipedia basically says capital punishment amounts to 2 first world nations and a slew of dictatorships.

Here, seen in red for countries that have it
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capital_punishment_by_country#/media/File:Capital_punishment_in_the_world.svg

Assuming the trend of the last 20 yrs continues we could see the end of capital punishment in one generation.

Perhaps you cold have Andrew's execution be a more humane lethal injection... or a private / secret hanging? This would give you an out to explain how society reverted.