Re: Eyes go wide
I've been back and forth on these, even posted a question to the Premium forum about it. I finally decided that some actions are essentially automatic, such as eyes going wide when you're surprised by something. Ditto for eyebrows shooting to the hairline, eyes popping, etc. Imagine how weird it would read if I wrote Apollo popped his eyes.
Allow me to take an unusual stance. First, go re-read 10 paragraphs of your favourite chapter of Dune, then insert "...and Paul's eyes went wide".
Why don't we see this?
Essentially, the writer is treading on the story and says "Character X feels surprised".
One rule of story-telling they never tell you in school is "Don't tell the reader how to feel". That's what's happening here, and Herbert never does this. As such, the Dune story means many things to many people, and it's why there'll never be an accurate movie rendered of it (though the original comes reasonably close).
"Don't tell the reader how to feel"
I once had this yelled at me by a published writer many years ago. The particular example was fright. The lines went something like this (and I'm going from memory so bear with me).
Round 1 (basic)
John was walking home at sunset. He passed old McSweeny's yard and noticed the gate was open. Mr McSweeny's dog was unchained and could get to the street. John felt afraid. He turned and ran the other way.
Here, the writer was like "NO! Why is John afraid? Show me the elements of John that demonstrate fear, and let me decide if I'm afraid"
Round 2 (regular)
John was walking home. He eyed the fleeting rays of sun (a). The McSweeny's dog was always loose behind that flimsy chainlink fence (b). He stopped dead in his tracks (c). He traced the fence (d) to the far end of the yard. The gate was open! John felt his pulse quickening (e).
a. John considers sunlight important (eg, he considers night/darkness as something to avoid). Notice, John need not frown - the fact that he noticed the waning sunlight is sufficient to convey the writer's intent.
b. John regularly passes here, and John associates fences with safety
c. Dogs make John think about death
d. delaying the suspense
e. Telling part (No worries here. I do this all. the. time.) This is on par with eyes widening - the writer is basically pausing the story to give the reader clues on how they should be feeling. After all, an open gate is not relevant if the dog is really friendly.
Round 3 (Approaching Stephen King level)
John was walking home. He eyed the fleeting rays of sun. The McSweeny's dog was always loose behind that flimsy chainlink fence, and it growled deep in its throat as he walked by. John ignored it and carried on until he noticed the gate at the far end of the yard was ajar.
"That's not good," John said.
He turned and retraced his steps. Behind him, the sounds of paws on grass sounded like the dog was in flight (a). John quickened his pace. The skittering of claws on pavement suggested the dog had attained the open gate. John broke into a run. At the next house, he spotted an open screen door. He made for it, knowing he couldn't possibly outrun the dog.
Barely, too. He made it as he felt the dog's breath on his ankles, slamming the door behind him. The dog crashed against the glass with a thundering impact.
John paused to catch his breath while the dog regained its feet. It paced back two steps, and its eyes began to glow brilliant green as smoke pooled around its feet. And here, the glass of the screen door became warm to the touch...
a. Keeping the danger slightly off-camera
Is John scared? The story never says. To some readers, he's terrified. To other readers he's quite calm and merely trying to avoid getting bitten. We basically invite the reader to insert his own judgements on top of John's actions. This is what Herbert managed to do... and is a kind of ideal goal.
If you manage to reach this third tier, Apollo will seem suave to some readers, and surprised to others. Each reader will assign their favourite attributes to the character. He will be inherently personable because he will embody the ideals of each reader's experiences.
Vader lowered his weapon and said "Luke, I am your father."
Reader A: Vader is in entreaty. He wants to be recognized as a parent
Reader B: Vader is ashamed that his son is so weak. He's boasting that he's the father to try to get Luke to be better
Reader C: Vader is testing Luke... trying to draw him out to see what he knows.
Reader D: (is in Luke's head) Don't, Luke! It's a trrrraaaap!
now imagine:
Vader lowered his weapon and raised his arm, pleading. "Luke, I am your father."
Here, "pleading" is a slight POV crawl. As Reader B, I have to stop being the character and imagine the character as perceived by Luke. This bounces me into Luke's head for a split second. I've been forced to head-hop and there was no significant benefit.
Most important fact... what you've written is not a deal breaker. Even if you change nothing, you still have a good story. This is all nuance... and as I've said each time, I want to give each of you everything I know.
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