I presume this is in addition to him no longer trying to save an innocent boy... I think this is the kicker.

Example. [J e n n a] lies cheats and steals from her lover in order to get the guns she needs to abduct Inga. Then lies to the child that she's her mother back from the dead in order to comfort her. Reviewers were still willing to give J a passing mark.

It would appear that there's nothing a villain can do wrong when he's rescuing children. I think I'm committing the same reader error when assessing Cain vs. Andrew

I've been thinking how the story can convince me he's being insincere, and the early comclusions are not promising...

What if they had him hooked up to a lie detector? I'd think the government was "adjusting" the results to ensure his son was murdered.

family/friend testimony? I'd assume extortion / torture.

I think I need Cain to have asserted the fact before it was life & death for anything to convince me otherwise

mmm chocolate and pudding

Ah... I didn't realize he was lying

Stay away from my plot, minx

Glad they're able to treat you so quickly. Waiting times would have sucked.

Ahhh this is cleaner that it first seems. Let us consider The Prophet IRL (Mohammed). Consider a follower of Islam saying:

I studied the life of the Prophet. Now I want to become a prophet

This wouldn't work for "king" for us because the listener would say "wait... which king?". In Rebecca's story it would work for "the Ard Rhi" since there's only ever one of them at a time.

Therefore, rule of one cannot apply to prophet or king. Similarly in your second example "No king (among many) and no regent (among many) has pardonned a traitor." You could get away with "the Regent" when referring to the Joseph's mother (provided in your world, it's as unique as Amy's Voice), but you'd generally get bogged down while generalizing them (As we do IRL when saying "No Pope/pope has ever drank wine" which I would argue is general and should be lowercase, but when "The Pope hasn't drank wine" I think of one specific (living) guy).

Scared yet?

Interesting problem.

"Police" implies justice system. Hanging traitors (instead of allowing them a trial which they will probably get out on technicalities that Andrew never killed anyone) implies autocracy (or widespread corruption in the justice system).

I think your life will be much simpler if you just ignore police and make everything guards and robots.

-K

884

(87 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I agree the font is a little too skinny given the complexity of the graphics behind it. Overall, I liked it.

Is that Amelia? Reminds me of harley quinn. You should give her a bat in the story

-K

You might also consider naming the government if you plan to use it a lot. Just like we can say "The Whitehouse spokesman" irl or "Parliament Hill passed a law"

Some minor word tweaks to clarify the [subject pronouns] and imply that the people are generally {against} it:

Given its history with and proximity to [its enemy], New Bethlehem is under constant threat from plots to undermine or overthrow its government. For this reason, it has adopted strict rule of law as a means of defending itself from attack, giving the government broad powers to detain and interrogate citizens suspected of treason. The interrogations, known as inquisitions, are considered harsh by Realm standards. Those found guilty are executed by public hanging, as a clear warning to others. Although there is {} pressure from {} Realm {inhabitants} to eliminate these practices, {the government has assured them the techniques are} necessary to protect their world from the Imperium, which many believe is the literal [arena] of Satan. {Government spokespeople} claim that capital punishment is consistent with the Bible, while opponents claim that, since Jesus fulfilled the Mosaic Laws, capital punishment should be abolished, frequently quoting John 8:7 of the New Testament: “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” {Some within the government have accused} overly vocal critics {} of being Imperial sympathizers.

taken out of context, this section is impossible to decipher. The keyworks are in the OT when they say the Old Covenant (mosaic) is done-for and when the messiah arrives it will be replaced with a new covenant

Interesting. Wikipedia basically says capital punishment amounts to 2 first world nations and a slew of dictatorships.

Here, seen in red for countries that have it
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capital_punishment_by_country#/media/File:Capital_punishment_in_the_world.svg

Assuming the trend of the last 20 yrs continues we could see the end of capital punishment in one generation.

Perhaps you cold have Andrew's execution be a more humane lethal injection... or a private / secret hanging? This would give you an out to explain how society reverted.

Hi Norm...

I don't believe your stated goal is possible within this context. I'm going to label a state evil if it practices capital punishment (I consider the OT's practice of stoning evil btw*). Mind you, I'm liberal-leaning. It's not relevant to me that there are dissenting views. The fact that 1 in 10 disagree with the evil doesn't make it good.

You're not going to be able to satisfy right-leaning and left-leaning readers on the nature of evil, so why not just let them make the judgement and go acheive other goals? I suppose my question is why is the asignment of evil important? Did a reviewer ask an unresolvable question?

Let us assert that the pharisees were perfect in mosaic law. If we shall equally assert that the mosaic law was used to condemn a perfectly innocent man to death, we can say that the OT law would condemn everyone else. Eg if OT laws were to apply, no one would be saved post JC.

I can't believe there are authors who can crank out entire books in a few months.

Hmm... once you're a few books in, you'll get your world established and you'll just churn them out.

Most of what you're experiencing now is uncertainty about the rules of the world. If X has Y property, will it work within the context? Does this concept work? Does this style and character voice work? Once the rules are fixed, and everything is all but immutable, you'll be able to just sit down and write.

The Quickening
(Highlander)

Dance with destruction

Magic foundation watch

Earthwound Saga
Founders series
Cataclysm reborn

I vote for anything that doesn't contain the word "of" in position 2

Well yeah but with the caveat that it needs more work. Only so much I could do on the bus

I wasn't thinking mystery... more...

http://kwan.skyfire.ca/images/tnbw/DictatesS.jpg

I suppose if you're going traditional, the cover is irrelevant as they'll have a department to handle that

That Dictates cover makes me think of the Tomb of Jesus and Easter and things like that... can you fantasy it up or reconsider the title?

bzzt!

half-tempted to expand my outline and make bare-bones chapters from it

Do it!