I like njc's approach....
Note the lines in original don't pull my eyes in a consistent direction...
(lines drawn across the eyes of the background shapes)
njc's is a bit more organized, albeit centered on the lower back instead of the upper back
(the curvature he puts in the ground works well againstthe staff)
if you go with njc's approach, might I suggest you rearrange the title text to improve the line work?
Books is your central theme... your main character's main power. Imagine a Harry Potter cover but he's holding a sword instead of a wand.
I like the color scheme but I think it's missing a"book" element
The repercussions for his past decisions are not over -> far from over
(signed the not-police)
Written by Sir James Knowles. It's pretty good when he's got a recognizable character on the scene (eg Sir Lancelot)... but that round table has to be seating 40-50 knights and he's not scared to name them all during a 10-page window which makes his scenes more like a revolving door.
*throes
I'm in the opening throws on Colourless. I'm also still slogging through the Arthurian Tales but it's been several months on that and I must concede I'm lost and might not finish
Looked interesting. Not enough context to dig in or comment, so I'll leave it at that
I got voice from Rogers and data from wind. Best of both worlds - great voice reception and unlimited data. Only drawback lugging around the extra device
Hey Janet
Check your Email re backup/archive site.
tap water counts as running water. Blocks certain powers in our mythology including vampirism (and including telepathy in my world)
We will vigorously defend our coastline like our long-running war against the Danes for Hans Island (a war we are winning right now).
Think I'm kidding?
http://www.worldatlas.com/articles/hans … flict.html
After letting it roll around in the back of my head for a few weeks, I wish to nominate "glop" as the count noun for gillis.
Bob poked his boot into the puddle of gillis.
Jill hid in the cave and watched four glops of gillis slosh by.
This word is sorta comprehensible and is something the characters could believably coin on the spot.
@Bill K: Spoiler: Lady K is the best character ever. Waaaaay better than Dr Ess or Queen Aussie
"Mentally ill" is a polite word you're used to hearing used as a weapon against you if you suffer from any a mental health problem. I would recommend saving such a word for character speech. Used in the right place, it will really colour your principals. Used while I'm making a buying decision, it will worry me.
I wasn't going for short, I was going for "glue the most interesting stuff together". Don't think of it like me snipping words to death but of pruning filler to bring out the flavour of the meat.
Also, I tried to stay true to the original, otherwise "destiny" would have been gone entirely (when a writer tells me "X is destined to do Y" what they mean is go ahead and skip to the final chapter because (i) X will succeed at Y or (ii) X will fail at Y and you're read this whole story for nothing)
deity vs entity:
Bob met with Joe and the followers of the Bing deity
Bob met with Joe and the followers of the Bing entity
If you can't see a subtle nuance in the second sentence that makes Bing realer, I will back away from this one
"Mentally ill"
is a very strong word. I mean very very strong. Not quite as offensive as some of the other words. recommend "Mentally challenged" or "mental disorder". I'm not saying don't use ill... just saying that if you put tomatoes on your sandwich, you must be prepared to get tomato flavour in every bite.
Overall, I find it approaches the concept of the story and what I presume to be the central theme. Don't let me bully you out of it
highlighting were my eyes rested...
Joseph and Apollo are teenagers living in the 41st century who grow up worlds apart but share a common bond — both are visited by a being who calls himself God. God takes each of them on an incredible journey to fulfill their destinies. With God’s help, Apollo, heir to Earth’s grand Imperium Romanum, leads a holy crusade to conquer a perilously divided galaxy. At the same time, God helps Joseph, the deeply religious crown prince of the strategic world New Bethlehem, found a radical new religion to steer humanity away from the Apocalypse. Ultimately, the teens' destinies will collide, something neither may survive. But is God a real deity, or the imagination of two mentally ill boys?
Some of the words I've deliberately overlooked (so you can see my thought process):
living > that they're alive is implied
grow up > implied they're growing at least a little unless they both die in chapter 1 paragraph 1
common bond > implied by them being mentioned together
incredible journey > superlative / advertising speakum
deeply > I realze you meant deeply with respect to Apollo but it reads out of phase here
religion > appears a lot in this little paragraph if we shall equate God / holy / religion / crusade
(destiny appears a lot too)
I dropped Imperium Romanum for reasons I'll make a separate post about
didn't like perilously because a) adjective b) it's not that "divided" when it's 3 parties but kept for now
And then taking what you wrote and joining all the blue parts:
Jospeph and Apollo, 41st century teenagers, are visited each by a being who calls himself God. Apollo, heir to Earth's human Empire, leads a crusade against a perilously divided galaxy. Joseph, crown prince of the strategic world New Bethlehem, founds a radical religion to steer humanity from the brink of Apocalypse. Destiny calls, and each teen has help from God. Bit is this God entity real or imagination of the mentally ill?
Other notes:
a) I tried to shave off words wherever I could by joining / grouping concepts.
b) tried to get religion fown to 3 mentions (crusade / religion / Apocalypse)
c) Made God realer by asserting he's an entity (as written that last line forces him to be imaginary in the head of a believer)
She also does things that will horrify Joseph.
Such as shooting helpless opponents?
yes, I'm accusing njc of erudition
I hate holodecks
yes
I recommend not italicizing new words... especially if the word is not new to the characters and not stressed in any way. That would make for a very bumpy read
Don't do that then!
I'd love to... but the underlying discussion spills over into every other thread on there.
Once this fervour dies down, eventually there will be a new post about some other topic such as the colour of the sky to a colour-blind person, and all the same people will pile in there and continue their existing literary flame war in it. It means I must abandon every thread I'm following.
Basically, this war is gobbling the entire group of 12K people.
Every time I read a new post in Sneaked vs snuck, I lose a few brain cells
$100 is a total rip-off. Signed the guy in the GTA
