- I'm not surprised that you think Joseph is ambling along. He's caught up in a whirlwind that tosses him from one place to another (cadet massacre, Central Haven riot, slavery, prison, battle, etc.). However, he believes it's all part of God's plan and doesn't question how insane his actions are until his crisis of faith.
Interestingly, this is the most common complaint K w a n has drawn from the market - that she doesn't take enough of an active role in her own destiny. And it's very true. As one reader put it, "things happen to her".
- Apollo scheming? Apollo is also caught up in events beyond his crontrol. In his case, he's fighting God every step of the way, and the more he does, the more he fails. Only when he grows a pair and follows God is he able to gain control.
Usually it's the character who's willing to fight who gets our attention. The chance-takers - the gamblers who put their necks out to hire assassins in a cause they believe is right.
- I agree that Apollo's arc is more dramatic. I'll see if I can further amp up the tension in Joseph's chapter.
I don't believe that's possible within the desired structure. I also don't believe it's warranted. I did not suffer a disconnect between the two stories (Sorry, Amy). My disconnect, as you know,was Caligula.
You must picture Caligula as a character the writer finds interesting, but always remember he was not a sell character. As such, he must work that much harder to earn our pathos.
Think of him like my Marsha McKnight: a) absolutely essential to the plot b) 100% replaceable
(in my case by David McKnight and in your case by Apollo's little-used brothers)
Your unenviable task is to get me to feel one way or the other about him. You don't want me neutral on this guy. I should either love him or hate him so much, I want Apollo to kill him just to wipe the smirk off his face. There are a bazillion ways to accomplish the former, but having him kill Adam and Eve is a good start. Bonus points if he's despicable. Shooting tied up, helpless opponents is a good way to harvest those points (Joseph, I'm looking at you shooting a guy in handcuffs).
- As I mentioned in my response to Amy, Act II needs work. There isn't enough animosity between the MCs, fur flying, etc. I do have to stop a couple of times in the book to actually allow Joseph to define the Christian Heresy, beginning with the New Commandments, which slows the pace. His thoughts that lead him to unify the Essence, reincarnation, and evolution need trimming, but I think they're more interesting than the commandments.
This is the basic premise of the story. Why are you trimming that part?
- Is the end of Act II the neutral phase you refer to? If so, I'm confused, because that's where both the queen and emperor die. Most of Act II drags, except for the deaths at the end. Acts I & II need quite a bit of rewriting.
Remember Star Wars New Hope when Palpatine abolished the Senate? How his guards gunned down the senators and he rose, cackling with glee to accept his throne? No? Oh... it happened off camera.
- The introduction of a smart, scheming Caligula was too good to pass up
Agreed
. His scheme mirrors that of the Imperium's founder, which is a nice connection. I also needed a chapter from his point of view in order to hide the surprise that Apollo is still alive. .
Why hide it?
Writer: "Bob felt something brush his cheek"
Me: Is this a shard of metal? A fingertip? A tree branch? You kinda know this stuff even if its dark.
Writer: Oh, I don't want to say yet. It's for suspense.
So I ask of you... is there a benefit I'm not seeing to hiding a major character?
- The cult will truly go nowhere in book one.
Sure... as long as it was intentional and not an oversight, I'm down
- Personally, I found the lightsaber duel with Palpatine very enjoyable, were it not for the fact that Yoda looks CGI. The emperor hurling pods down at Yoda and cackling was fun. And who doesn't love Force lightning? The stupid leaping about by the CGI Yoda was a bore. I digress...
I needed more build to that to make me remotely interested. I would have liked to see a 10-15 minute sololiquy from Yoda about how he hates Palpatine for killing his puppy or something. It was literally two randoms going at it with lightsabers for me. All the magic / personability / pathos-driving of Expendables II but with half the action.
- I agree that Apollo should continue to fear discovery, although it's going to get tedious at some point. There's only so many ways I can shake an arm. Amy's idea of having them mumble their dialogue with God is a good one.
Stage 3:
After the mumbling stage he should start to see furtive mevements from the car of his eye. When he randonly turns to look, people are staring at him quizzically. He's not sure if they're doing it to unnerve him. He finds muddy footprints in his room when he wakes up. Security assures him no one was in there. He starts imagining Aphrodite is cheating on him. He can suddenly no longer write straight - he hires a scribe.
Stage 4:
He starts to worry about poison (specifically of the exploding bowel nature). Hires a tate tester. Hires a second backup tester. Aphrodite grows distant. He thinks it's a conspiracy. He randomly has her arrested and searched for evidence (comes up empty-handed). Good time to throw in an exploding car bomb from the Heresy.
Need more? Amy and Seabrass are also good at this.
PS: Joseph needs a burning bush encounter. It's kind of a Judaic staple.
