This version is much sharper than the original. Some food for thought (I post it here because I don't want to collect points for only reviewing a paragraph).
Consider:
So, she had run all the way, arriving breathless with no idea why Cantrain wanted her.
You've mentally skipped an important scene here. You already visualize the character in the destination room and are hurrying us past the walk to get there.
But that movement is extremely useful because it tells us so much about her.
a. How much does she dread about that meeting?
b. What does her world look like?
c. How does she interact with her environment?
d. Is she guilty of something the meeting will being about?
e. What time of day is it (You have the room shimmer later - is that afternoon sun?)
example wrote:She followed the guard, and chewed her lower lip to still her chattering teeth. His tall long-legged gait was a bit much for her, of average for [gender-race] she had to gather up the folds of her dress to keep up. Nervous about her scores last week, she felt compelled to ask.
Please sir, Did they say what it's about?
The guard paused under the shadow of a stone archway, and waning sunlight glinted from his helmet through the tall, plexiglass windows. He fixed a withering glare on her and turned to move on without speaking
In the above example, I can use the tension of the approaching meeting to hide the fact that I'm totally info-dumping her age-height-race-clothes-time on the poor reader. In addition, we know this character is in serious trouble and anyone who's been the subject of such a glare is forced into the character's shoes.
Don't use that example - I'm just demonstrating the raw awesome amount of data you skipped.
Take this advice with a grain of salt. In [J e n n a]s story, I got about 3000 words out of her walking from one room to another to see her father (for her execution), and in another story, I got about 7 chapters from a scout taking an overnight jog.
