Not so much "elaborate" as give us that slight moment to dread what's about to happen. 10-50 words range. Maybe less for now.
1. Keeps us "live" with the character (instead of the newsreel: "Here's what happened 30 seconds ago"
2. tension (as mentioned above)
3. Pathos
Bonus points if the character has to leave an unstarted breakfast behind
thanks NJ, problem is, I had all that in the earlier version, but no teenager liked it, it was just toooooo slow and full of info. So this time, I am dumping them into the middle of something happening, they don't know what, or why, or what the world is about, they have to read on to get all that.
Yep... Sorry, I meant "a few words trickled into the action". Too many, and all that yummy tension will leak out. I'd say max 1 sentence of backdrop per sentence of tension. Spend a paragraph explaining backdrop and readers will leak away. It's safe to do once you've engaged them (maybe in a chapter 3 or a 4).
You have the tension in/about the right place as is... I'm just saying you skipped that nice moment of dread where the character has been summoned to the principal's office.
This version is much sharper than the original. Some food for thought (I post it here because I don't want to collect points for only reviewing a paragraph).
Consider:
So, she had run all the way, arriving breathless with no idea why Cantrain wanted her.
You've mentally skipped an important scene here. You already visualize the character in the destination room and are hurrying us past the walk to get there.
But that movement is extremely useful because it tells us so much about her.
a. How much does she dread about that meeting?
b. What does her world look like?
c. How does she interact with her environment?
d. Is she guilty of something the meeting will being about?
e. What time of day is it (You have the room shimmer later - is that afternoon sun?)
She followed the guard, and chewed her lower lip to still her chattering teeth. His tall long-legged gait was a bit much for her, of average for [gender-race] she had to gather up the folds of her dress to keep up. Nervous about her scores last week, she felt compelled to ask.
Please sir, Did they say what it's about?
The guard paused under the shadow of a stone archway, and waning sunlight glinted from his helmet through the tall, plexiglass windows. He fixed a withering glare on her and turned to move on without speaking
In the above example, I can use the tension of the approaching meeting to hide the fact that I'm totally info-dumping her age-height-race-clothes-time on the poor reader. In addition, we know this character is in serious trouble and anyone who's been the subject of such a glare is forced into the character's shoes.
Don't use that example - I'm just demonstrating the raw awesome amount of data you skipped.
Take this advice with a grain of salt. In [J e n n a]s story, I got about 3000 words out of her walking from one room to another to see her father (for her execution), and in another story, I got about 7 chapters from a scout taking an overnight jog.
...is to examine the very questions posed in this thread. Does newly created literature have to be written literally/unambiguously in the new puritanical, sterilized style, or can the literary Cavalier or wordsmith still exist? Has the AutoCrit generation of Amazon Forum editor killed prose?
I believe I'm hinting that yes, the Amazon Forum wields unfair power. I've heard figures thrown out that Amazon controls anywhere from 50 to 80% of the eBook market. Given those kinds of numbers, I'm more than willing to eavesdrop on their forums and learn what they hate in droves with the goal of sanitizing my writing to their specifications.
Is this approach unnecessary pandering to the reader? Is it allowing Gen AutoCrit to win? Probably. On the other hand, I'm only losing a few words I didn't care about. Having gone through all my work and removed the word "pad", I find my stories unharmed. I feel like I made a picture, and the market is squabbling about what frame to put it in. If they'll only buy it with a golden frame, fine, here's a golden frame for you.
I don't foresee myself hunting down every use of "roar". Not sure why. Well... tedium is one factor. I know for sure I haven't applied it to cheetahs, so I think I can sneak under the radar on that. I think such a quest would result in oversterilization. There's only so much reader-service I can deliver.
Got one for 403's chapter 1
So, I put the question out: would a good writer, after actually hearing the sounds of a cheetah, describe their sound as a “roar”?
Hmm... Charles Dickens spoke of the waters of Niagara as a roar. Not sure he meant feline noises, and equally unsure I can prove he was any good at his craft.
Just to keep the wheels spinning, what of the verb "padded" and in "Bob padded to the kitchen sink". Amazon forums will tell you it's a no-no, and "padded" only applies to creature with paws. Would you allow padded to be applied to humans?
Cheetahs make a weird snarl sound. If I read "roar of a cheetah", it's exactly this sound I would picture. Same with an elephant... "roar of an elephant" would give me images of an elephant making a loud elephant noise (eg not a lion noise). Third example: Katy Perry saying "hear me roar"... well humans aren't good at that activity but I can still visualize it.
I suppose I'm asking if the quote in OP was presented in a symbolic nature or factual?
The syndrome... does it need a name? I hasn't had one in v2 or v3. I was wondering what leverage naming it gives you
Actually, I'm a little curious if it needs a name. Why not just have the voices like before? Is there some advantage to framing it in this way?
pfft dessert... you've been dating amateurs. I've had my entrée picked clean on me. It's disconcerting
What's the current title of the book I read, aka R the Nude
After reading Nora Roberts (writing as J.D. Robb), and noticing she makes all the "mistakes,"
She's reached the mulching point where she can just release anything and it'll do okay sales or even great sales. You can tell a big writer is approaching this point when you start seeing the name in giant point and have to hunt for the title.
Usually that's my cue that they don't need my business anymore. They've made it, and I'm happy for them, but I typically pull them from my roster and add some new faces.
-K
I will be looking for cover art. Any suggestions? There is a website where you can buy/subscribe to cover art, thus, getting around copyright restrictions, and of course, I can always hire an artist.
Interesting.
*Wanders off*
set in AD 7329, long after Joseph and Apollo are dead.
Reminds me of 2001 Space Odyssey. I think book 3 jumps forward to like 10001AD
I agree this character is a little busy.No easy fix comes to mind tho
I don't remember what fora it was mentioned in but Eat the Rich is brilliant and majestic
You should also uncouple this passage from the name Jesus if you can, if you want the widest market potential. Also I lived on the street near Britannia which was not far from the school of Adelaide Hoodless and Queen Mary's school. Just saying that "Britannia" only gets you a half step away from the region you might be trying to escape
hah... I didn't want to contaminate such a beautiful quote with my ruminations.
Ethan Cohen said that if a movie like 'Fargo' can succeed, then nothing makes sense.
so you might as well make the movie you want and just hope for the best
Edit: I lied. I make tons of charts - those should count as notes. And when I'm done, I map my plot to make sure my highs & lows balance. And I make character sheets for the mains
The notes for [J e n n a]'s story were basically 15 rows in a spreadsheet... possibly 200 words. Yet, like Amy, I had dozens of scenes mapped out in my head. One scene (her wedding) never made it in. This makes me sad because because a lot of people find creative ways to get into her cross hairs during the ceremony
I don't think I'll use the Mormons, though. Not prominent enough. And Protestants are too diverse (although that would make it easy to create a denomination that veers off course over two thousand years). Since Joseph is (currently) crown prince of his home world and is descended from Queen Elizabeth, I think I prefer the Church of England. I just need to be careful not to piss off the British by modifying their religion before Joseph turns it upside down.
Well, you're doing well if you never say which religion it grew out of. As long as you know and the reader doesn't, it'll show in your writing and there'll be no one who feels singled out.
Due to the vast amount of time between now & then, you can just make up gods for Joseph.
Example:
Perhaps the Mormons flew off and were isolated from the galaxy for 200 years. They showed back up as a cult named "The Greater Mormon Church of the Revered" and started doing door-to-door religion selling. Peopl kept calling them Mormons but they kept saying they were Greater blah blah blah. People love to shorten things, so by 500 years ago, people just called them "The Greats" or "The Greater Church"
The Greats teach there was a second ark (this guy can bear the brunt of the Moses jokes). They teach in a garden of Eden they found on their homeworld (here go the Eden jokes). They believe in 4 gods, including one called "Baba Yaga" whose "Book of Life" has chapters and verses very similar to our own and are held sacrosanct by a population grasping for meaning after a deadly virus almost wiped them out.
--End example--
If you write such a thing carefully enough and have enough religious characters to carry the reverence, then you can make it work without touching Christianity.
(Note: This advice is coming from a guy whose characters worship the stars.And I still squeezed in a concept of ghosts, ghouls, and vampires. My world left religion behind, but I'm careful to throw in the occasional old altar that people hope is good luck. When I wrote the Pearly Gates scene and the Angel of Death (Victorious Chapter 13) I carefully stepped around the word God or Heaven or Astral Travel by renaming them. I could be irreverent with Sara-Kael by getting him beaten up. No reviews came in "I really don't think you can treat an arch angel this way" or "It's unholy to climb the pearly gates")
They key element is to remember to have 80% of the cast respect it (even if they don't actively practice). This is one of the few areas that Babylon 5 dropped the ball. The Vorlons should have been much more respected once the big reveal came of what they were. When the second Kosh showed up, how come there weren't crowds of people waiting to bow? I think ir was one guy. Anyway, you need the people to get offended if Joseph says "By Baba Yaga's beard!"
