451

(20 replies, posted in Close friends)

Rachel Parsons wrote:

I've been criticized by one potential publisher as writing humor that lands well but interferes with the serious side. (No examples, of course, were given and that was the occasion of going into self-publishing.) This would be a concern.

Humour getting in the way of the dramatic moment is going to be hard to spot in your own writing by nature as we all have to work to distance ourselves and see our words through another person's eyes. However, I can help by showing you my own mistakes.

When you get time on your hands, consider scene 1 of this v1:
https://www.thenextbigwriter.com/postin … blue-18605
The (roughly) 500 words from the start until she first teleports. During the scene, characters trip over each other, and half-fight, and crack the predictable penis joke. (One character ([G a l i a h])never appears again in the rest of the story which also breaks a writer-reader contract  that if you're going to point out the axe, someone at some point should swing it).

I don't believe there is anything /wrong/ with the v1 approach. But I can certainly get more juice out of it if the characters aren't making fun of themselves. It's kinda hard for the reader to stay in life & death mode if the characters won't take their own situation seriously. She almost need not care about her peril. She says herself "She's leaving to escape the madness" and not primarily because of any implicit danger

In v2 (not posted yet), with the zaniness removed, the MC cannot ignore the reality that she's being hunted by someone faster, stronger, and can who sense her anywhere on the planet. I'll link it here when I get time.

I believe this might be what the publisher was saying. That humour is good but can kill urgency

bonus points if the lover's name is Andrew

Re: Involuntary reactions... as I've hinted before, they don't bother me as a reader, but I don't see them as useful. if a writer could kind of reach out of the book and ask me what I prefer, I'd say I didn't care what the reactions were as much as getting on with the story

involuntary:

Bob saw the rabbit and his eyebrows shot up

Equivalent:

Bob saw the rabbit and was surprised

To me, the above are the same: They both force surprise onto me. It's like an exclamation mark used where there is insufficient context to infer it.

Preferred:

Bob saw the rabbit and drew to a halt, seeking some way to get out of its path

That said, Many mass market high selling authors have sentient body parts. Annette Marie in particular sets records with "My hand reached up to take the letter"and "My feet walked me to the altar" all over the place

Names hidden wrote:

So far, that left Father C, the parish pastor, as the only individual with no confirmed alibi. Aside from the killer or killers, he was the last person to see V alive, the one who reported him missing, and the one who found his grave. C also knew the cemetery staff very well. Clearly the two gravediggers were involved, but who put them up to it? On the face of it, C seemed like a good suspect.

However, he had no obvious motive. The cardinal’s death gave C no clear path for advancement. He wasn’t even a bishop yet. Also, C had been cooperating fully with the investigation. He even consented to have all of his shoes examined for comparison with the footprints lifted from the mud at the gravesite. Still, to be a priest meant he was a very intelligent man and would know not to keep incriminating evidence lying around. Had there been a feud between the two men?

Patched wrote:

Father C followed the agent into the dusty storage room where cabinets seemed to preside in judgement. Inspector C sat behind her desk, and Agent D was hunched over a gritty video feed.
I.C. waved at the wire chair. "Please. Sit. Coffee?"
"Thank you." F.C made himself comfortable. He glanced at the mess of cups but declined. "Makes me too jittery at night"
"Just wanted to ask you a few more questions," said I.C.
"I've already told you everything I know."
"I hope you don't mind if I ask some more."
"Why?"
"You're the last person to see V alive. The one to report him missing. The one who found his grave. You're an important lead."
"Surely you don't think it's me."
"We haven't determined that yet."
"What she means," Agent D drawled, eyes glued to what looked like a camcorder shot, "Is that you're still the best person to help us find the killer."
Fc. Oh, that was a relief. Wait. Were they playing good cop bad cop on him?

Could have a lot of fun with a scene like this. Maybe have them bring up the shoes again. Have the agents note he missed a pair (that he hadn't thought of). Seabrass is famous for hampering the MC too... such as Father C has an ulcer or hasn't eaten or has a tic he worries will make him seem guilty. One of my own tricks is that he's guilty of something unrelated and trying to steer the agents away from it

All users of the system are therefore deemed to have disclaimed or waived all copyright ownership rights in their posts

Nice

Anyway to continue what I was saying, more eyes = better

Funny... the site doesn't let me continue a message once I've replied. There's no way to do a followup reply until you reply back

https://blog.bookbaby.com/2019/05/how-t … e-readers/

#20. I'm guilty as charged

459

(68 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Naw, I get stuck all the time. Usually when I do, I muck around with [L o r r a i n e]'s story because it's just a senseless man-vs-alien free-for-all and can be written on autopilot. She's kind of my healing character when the others break my head.

I switched tracks though, because I'd sorta like to have J3nn@ hit print in December. That timeline is a little ambitious, but I think I can do it or come close to it

460

(68 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

No... I'm stuck is a better word. I flipped to a different project while I wait for my brain to solve it

461

(20 replies, posted in Close friends)

Rachel Parsons wrote:

not quite that bad.

"Bad" was about the last thing I thought. My boss would likely have agreed though he might have asked what it had to do with the sales report I was supposedly working on.

Images of Africain American women and women of colour in positions of strength can be hard to find. Best to just accept what you get or rewrite the scene

462

(20 replies, posted in Close friends)

heh... chapter  9 has put an end to me browsing from work (my boss can see my screen albeit from a distance)

463

(3 replies, posted in Close friends)

In reply to your other question, I mostly troll deviantart for royalty free or stock images.

I don't think cursing will work unless you're Heather

Hard to judge. Personally, I leave tons of things I think are zany in my early drafts and don't make a final decision until I can see the entire story

465

(8 replies, posted in Close friends)

I'm near the end of the marketing phase for [K i m]. This phase always seems to feel like starting a fire. You rub sticks together, kinda fan the sparks, before long, there's a tiny flame going and you have to feed it baby fuel until the blaze is satisfying. Sometimes when the fire doesn't burn hot you ask yourself if you used woo much wind or too much fuel, or maybe you're supposed to do it on one foot. Who knows. Anyway, she's at the "sparks" stage so time for the fuel (GoodReads Giveaway) and see if it catches.

While I wait for that pot to boil, I'm back to whacking away at development projects. I also find marketing interesting but exhausting. Zzzz.

Applying to your example:
3rd, omniscient/normal:

The elderly man wore an ankle-length black cassock... He often joked the Pope might drop by

The elderly man wore an ankle-length black cassock... Possibly in case the Pope dropped by.

3rd, omniscient/close:

The elderly man wore an ankle-length black cassock... In case the Pope drops by?.

The elderly man wore an ankle-length black cassock... as if fearing a pop in from the Pope.

3rd, subjective:

The elderly man wore an ankle-length black cassock... In case the Pope dropped by.

Note to your question, last example went past perfect instead of present. The narrator's assertion is part of the tale.

Here's an example of doing what will get you tagged for head-hopping on this site, but is really just a subjective narrator

Carrik smiled at Killashandra, daring her to contest his restraint in front of the witness.  (...snip...) Carrik, fully aware of her dilemma, had the audacity to offer her a toast as he took the traditional sample sip of the wine.

Crystal Singer: A Novel (Crystal Singer Trilogy Book 1) (pp. 12-13). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Looking closely, we see the narrator is not in Carrik's head as several of these statements later prove to be false.

Hope this helps

oops posted by accident. Editing.

re your italics question, I would like to side-step it and mention there are different kinds of 3rd person narrators, which affects your choice.

I often use "3rd person subjective" which is wildly unpopular on here and will get you told off. My [L 1] short is one such story. Your 3rd person subjective narrator can sit on the character's shoulder and narrate character thoughts seamlessly without needing to switch to italics. It's borderline having the character narrate the story.

Comparatively, [K i m]'s story is 3rd person omniscient so there's a bit more distant. I'f I was going to do inner thoughts, I would definitely switch to italics or risk what Charles called "an uninvited intrusion into the narration". I might also use "(italic)XYZ, she thought" [which Temple would correctly label filtering]. I also use "likely" and its class of words in my 3rd person omniscient to show the narrator is only guessing.

468

(30 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

SPOILER SPACE



grievance : Cersei. She deserved a better send off. There's a good vulture article on it (same article acknowledges we're all armchair quarterbacking this series).

The exchange between (Cersei and Jaime) is moving, but it also lands as though it were beamed in from some other show.

Cersei: haha! I'm the villain you've hated for years. Arya thinks she can kill me? Bring your worst
Later: *randomly trips down stairs and dies*

That's what I feel like they gave us

I rarely describe a character from their own pov. I think Tia hits chapter 16 or so before she gets one

470

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Years ago, the Alberta government still handled all drivers' license renewals, new drivers' licenses, etc.

ew! Ontario went electronic.

We have a private company running our (only) toll road and it's been a nightmare. Botched data... private company withholding your driver's license for toll fees. Just about as awful as it gets

Actually, it's not the word module I'm chasing, but rather the words around it.

Consider:

Bob picked up the module and plugged it into the outlet

This tells us very little about what's going on

Bob picked up the power module and plugged it into the outlet

This tells us the module is providing energy

Bob picked up the drilling module and plugged it into the outlet

This tells us the module is a tool and it (probably) requires energy

Just seeking a sprinkling of words to help maintain the fictive trance. Otherwise, I'm stopping to try to think what's going on.

I think you've discovered the same with aliens. Some readers are happy to hear a few details and make up the alien around them. Some readers need coaching. Some need coaching and reminders. I'm probably in that last group. If I was reading a star wars book and saw "The Ewok wagged its tail" I'm off to google to find out if Ewoks have tails. Or, at the very least, I stop reading for a few seconds and think about it.

This it why I've suggest replacing module with something. It might help you see it with the confused reader's eye. "Bob picked up the electric something" will probably jump out at you and you'll know what words to put around it to clear the confusion

472

(14 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Although the original question has been answered, I should qualify my earlier statement which was slightly misleading.

I autoskip prologues when I'm browsing for new books to buy. If the author is a fave, I will read their prologues, preface(s), dedications, even the table of contents so I can get a thrill off the chapter names.

If the author is untried or unknown to me (I try to keep this group at 90% of my purchases), I immediately head for chapter one because I want to know how the (rest of) the book is written and who I'll be spending the next few days of my leisure time with. Prologues can't tell me that. I've been tricked into a few lemons by ignoring this rule.

I'd be curious if other buyers use this approach. Library doesn't count because you're not out pocket money on a borrowed book that turns out little better than a dead frog. Also curious your approximate consumption. I hover around 10 books per month, so not huge, but enough I have no budget for lemons

Ok... I'm going to go ahead and say it...

After 9 years of building alliances... trying to make bonds to take on the implacable foe... none of it ended up mattering.
Dragons? Resurrections? House Lannister?
All reader investment has been crumpled up like a sheet of paper someone will soon blow their nose in.

Prove me wrong.

474

(14 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

prologue = auto skip

Boston