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Ok... watched it. I can see nods to the books (people like me were complaining vociferously about this in the previous 2 movies). You could see them starting to realign with the books in the previous movie so maybe this'll close the gap

Why are you trying to tone it down? Has your target audience communicated unease?

Who is this audience? The promotion company I used would immediately ask me to rattle off books my audience reads. If I couldn't name at least a dozen, they're kind of giving me the Internet side-eye

Valid... but there are only so many ways to brutally murder an innocent priest. By about murder 7, it'll be death by crayon consumption. Ah, but what is "impact"? Is it not measured by how much pathos we have for the victims?

If we're meant to feel an impact then we must feel loss. If we're to feel loss, we must grow to care for the victim.This isn't possible if the victims are dropping off faster than we can learn their stories. Consider having 3 of those victims pop out of the chain and ask the detectives to save them. Them immediately kill one, so we can care for the remaining two. Bonus points if you can make 7 victims meaningful then kill 6 then the 7th gets killed anyway.

I would save that for a horror story

Agreed it's an improvement

Initial thoughts:

As Romano turned the final corner, he felt a chill in the air. He checked a vent. The heat still flowed. He heard rustling from his office. “Hello?”
--A lot of stage direction here; could be simpler / focused on the action rather than the reaction. "Rustle" is a very vague word, that I initially assumed meant paper
A shadowy figure shrouded in swirling fog rushed out, headed for the exit.
--IMO too specific for this early in the story. One wouldn't normally ell "stop" to a man-shaped cloud of fog-- most of us would be seeking an exit.
“You there. Stop!”
The intruder looked in Romano’s direction. More beast than man, it had curved horns and glowing red eyes. It let out a demonic howl that sent a chill down the father’s spine.
--Again, perhaps a bit strong for the early part. Specifically the horn. Use of sound is good, but you'd have just as much effect if it's just feral breathing
The end of the corridor filled with fog until the figure could no longer be seen. Romano summoned his courage and charged into the mist, but the intruder was gone. Only fog and ice-cold air remained, both of which dissipated quickly.
Romano’s heart pounded. He checked the doors, but they were locked, per usual at night. He ran into his office and grabbed a bottle of holy water from his desk, then rushed out and sprinkled it across the doors and floor while praying for protection of the orphanage.
He returned to his office to see what the intruder might have taken. Everything looked as he had left it except the Eucharistic Adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He would tell them it was someone in a costume to avoid sounding crazy, but he had to act. One or more of the boys might be at risk.
--His reactions to a ball of mist in his office seem practiced

"Duke" doesn't even satisfy the uniqueness rule in that world. "The duke..." heh

re exclamation marks, I've come to the realization that some writer's works are more sedate than others, and their characters frequently never have to yell. For example, some stories will never have two characters across the engine room of a sinking, burning ship, yelling instructions to each other. It's hard to get through a page of that and not have 4-5 exclamation marks

(3e) toss a few shared memories when Athens and Oxford are netflix/chilling to explain why she's eager to get back

Here's the first thing that popped into my mind...

--- begin scene ---

Male half (D) of detective pair gets a call from his wife (W). She's drunk. She's at a party. Female half (C) overhears his side of the convo

(D) (On phone) Come on hun. You know how you get like this. Get a taxi. Right now, before you lost your sense of-- (listens) I know I-- (listens) wtf, have you heard nothing I've said? (stares at phone blankly as if hung up on)
(C): Discreet silence, pretends interest in paperwork)
(D) (Hangs up) Sighs heavily
(C) (Grabs coat) Come on. I'll drive
(D) We shouldn't. The case--
(C) --is five days old. It's not going anywhere. If your wife drives tonight, we both know what could happen

--scene break to car --
[Cue drizzle, because rain is kinda passé. Dim lights. Uncaring street. Occasional overhead light. Wiper noise at regular intervals]
(D) (watching wipers) Back and forth. Justice and crime. Think we'll ever win?
(C) I try not to ask myself such questions...
(blah blah we can slip in a discussion about the not-so-interesting case while the greater tension of the meeting with the drunk wife propels the reader -- think of Tia who carries her acceptance/rejection letter around for 3 chapters until the reader is about ready to burn the book/tablet unless she opens it)

--end scene outside ritzy club. Feel free to add suspicious bouncer type That (C) or (D) recognizes from among the house staff, but runs away when called out. After some hijinks they corner him and he dies randomly by getting run over (Taken, Movie) or flower pot to the head from 3rd floor--

Campagna sat back in her chair and rifled through crime scene reports. She had stopped counting after processing her twelfth box on day three. De Rosa sat at a facing desk, reviewing security footage. He would celebrate completed videos by crumpling a sheet of paper into a ball and attempting a free throw into the trash by the door. He had yet to make a single shot.

She mulled over the case in her head. The fact that the Church had allowed the other victims to be exhumed for autopsies suggested deep unease.

Just standard procedure, she had told the neighbors during interviews to keep the press in the dark. A few reporters were sniffing around nonetheless, asking leading questions.

The crime scene had yielded neither prints nor usable DNA. A murderer had entered Vitale’s apartment, perhaps murderers, given the strength required to pull the cardinal up and tie the rope.

Support workers, including maintenance staff, maids, doormen, and concierges all claimed to have seen nothing unusual. The lodgings of the victims had no staff in common to pin a motive to.

The only connection so far was three dead clerics in one week.

194 words, down from 438. But I like your idea of dialogue

Many repeat concepts, such as paragraph 2 "So far, neither she nor De Rosa had come up with any clues..." which need not exist because it it implied by the later paragraphs.

and "With the permission of the Church, ... The fact that the Church had allowed "

I took a whack at it and got it from 438 words to 200

you should remove everything after /ref= so that Amazon cannot track how users are arriving at your story (which may negatively impact your reviews)