It really made hell seem like a place you wouldn't want to go

I liked that movie ^^

Dirk B. wrote:

Line 1?

Yep!

Inspectors C and R drove in R's A R to X di Y  to see A and B.

That's a very dense sentence. Lots of data packed in a short space. It's not "bad" per se because it gets all the actors on stage, but it catches my eye

Off topic: Line 1 is heavy

Forgot that part like I forgot it states Connor lives

Could be made to work.

I'm a fan of getting to the point. If I'm sold on a demon book only to find out it's not a demon book, it can erode my reading experience. I haven't been on your back, because I gather the mystery genre is entirely about not getting to the point until the final chapter.

That said, it seems like such a structural change, should I ask what the goal is?

357

(59 replies, posted in Romance Inc.)

What was the book for your most recent essay?

Hah, I hadn't noticed the story was called "SAVING C o n n o r". oops. Well I stand by my statement... give him a really strong villain and he should be fine. Weak villain needs a stronger protag (I don't mean physical strength or power level)

The bus contention is my fault. As a reader, I invested into a bus trip only to find they got off like two paragraphs later which foiled my investment.

For me a simple "X & Y got off the bus..." is sufficient. Or even "X & Y walked into the Sistine Chapel" which implies they got there somehow.

And yes, Star Wars has been a large bucket of suckery for the past 20 years

Dirk B. wrote:

There will also be Vatican Swiss Guards in the next act; in their case


Maybe they can enter the story here.

Given that I don't remember them and you plan to ditch them, are they needed?

...when someone places an arm across your back and rests their hand on your far shoulder?

Can't visualize much more than a hug

Maybe the opening move to a judo throw?
A move to force someone to turn in a direction the subject does not desire?

Still fear tho

Complicated. JC showed fear of death if it helps

365

(29 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Ya... you could totes swap chapters 82 and 0. Not joking-- Opening with "This is where we got" closing with "This is how we started". It's not done oftern

You should go there

367

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

My experience, having posted book 4 of 12 is that readers love longer series as long as each release carries weight. One of the biggest complaints about [G u i l d C o d e x] is NOT that there are 3 "added" books (and a spinoff series) but that book 5 of all that didn't have as much development. It means book 5 would be considered as great if it move things along farther/

Therefore, all the part 5... but keep swinging for the fences

368

(59 replies, posted in Romance Inc.)

Not rly, but with patience you;ll get replies in here

Chapter Two. Maggie's seen Mike get into Sharon's corvette. When he gets out of bed "Who was that?"

So I was thinking about the "car chase" idea late last night when I was supposed to be sleeping but it was -40C outside which makes for some discomfort when you sleep near a door and a window, and I also came up with two neat hooks for stories I'll never write, but I digress.

So I'm visualizing how a car chase could come about, and it reminds me that one character was intrigued that Mike could move around safely. Mike laughs this off. Small town. Aha, but what if he wasn't safe?

Picture him leaving Maggie and gets that followed feeling. Only... safe harbour is across town instead of around the corner. He's jogging. Nervous. Pounding footsteps behind him. Right before the follower(s) get him, up comes [Sharon Stone] in a shiny red corvette (Don't laugh. Work with me here).

Sharon (Doing her lipstick in the rearview mirror) Get in
Mike: Who re you? I don't know you.
Sharon: No time like the present

Mike hops in, and Sharon takes off. Baddies show up in a beat up truck with one headlight that always seems to be turning onto the road behind the corvette as Sharon races it.

(Queue info drop while race continues)

Crash!

Mike wakes up in bed. Was that a dream?

Well... I'd say if you're repeating an element, you're trying to draw the reader's attention. These repetitive elements you speak of... are they intended to achieve verisimilitude?

372

(9 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

shapeshifter, you say. Ear perks up.

What launches your protagonist on his odyssey?

Maybe they got killed off camera, hence the disappearance

Way too much science in this. You could simply have her pop a child from hand-to-hand contact