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I'll get to it if work is slow tonight

Bring it on. You live I a glass house and leave the lights on so I can still hit you at night:-)

I made up a cover letter, put BC's email on the header, and hit send.  Thanks, Michelle! 

Two months before I expect an answer, huh?  Hooboy.

Got it.  I'll try BC first.  What have you submitted there and how many times have you been accepted?  I really appreciate this and I'll let you know if there is any success. 

Glad to know that Collin's life touched you.  You know, he's such a sweetie.  Ever day that I go to work, he ushers me outside and crawls into the car to get a hug (used to be no big deal.  Now, it's like trying to hug a Great Dane).  When I leave, he gives me the traditional good-bye before he slams my door.  "And remember, stay away from everybody when anyone comes out!" 

Don't try to understand.  I think it means 'stay out of trouble', but I'm guessing.  Just another day on the roller coaster.

So you know, I don't consider my reviews to be law.  They're just suggestions from an outside POV.  You could trash the whole thing if you wanted.  I wouldn't mind.  My learning process is doing the review itself.  Seeing my own weakness in someone else's work...that sort of thing. 

Don't be ornery :-)  Write your world and make it real to you :-)

I've looked at the submission guidelines for BC and Literary Mama.  Both want you to submit your story within the body of the email, but they both ask for cover letters (and don't want attachments).  How is that possible?  Since most formatting is lost when you copy/paste to an email, do they expect a finished document?  I found that confusing.

Thanks for the encouragement.  Half of this experience is knowing what to write.  The other half is knowing what to do with the work once it's polished enough for submission. I agree that the story is good enough, but that means I'm only half a writer 'cuz I haven't a clue how to get this to the people who matter :-)

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I've got another short memoir posted.  This one is painless...only a couple hundred words.  Any thoughts?  Does this compliment 'A Summer Rain' or is it just more of the same?

The point isn't about the details.  (Which is why I don't care that it is 'all wrong')  It's about the construction.  Adding detail about mood so that we know that Merran is phlegmatic and practical...that is what I'm looking for.  Adding the surroundings in the midst of her movements and actions.  (like the shale slope to emphasize that they are struggling to stand)

I reread Jamen's chapter and debated going into the reasons for why I want more character, descriptions of the environment, and more teen-frustrations from Merran.  But I realize this is just a repeat of what you've been told already.  Note that this version is worlds better than your initial posts, but you keep me around to nag you into being better.  So I decided to show rather than tell.  Your style is minimalist and mine is more verbose.  However, I've tried to walk the line and limit my blather and just added parts that amplify what I'm looking for.  Hope this helps.  I've left your text intact.  Additions are added in parenthesis.

(Merran's scream echoed across the face of the rocky slope as) The lurymant flew out of sight with Shogran and his prisoners.  (In a flash of rainbow wings, her father disappeared from sight, leaving her frightened and alone.)

"What do we do now?" asked the soldier.(and grasped her hand)

(Well, almost alone.  She bit her lip and stifled a gasp.  This wasn't the time to cry.  How could she get home?  Only Mother could help recover her Dad!) 

"We don't do anything," Merran said (and tried to catch her breath.  She'd never been anywhere but (blank) world.. "I('ll) figure out how to get us home."(she promised herself more than the soldier.) She pulled free of his hand. (")Father said that Armadurn and Diannen live somewhere around here."

(Stepping away from the broken rock, she fought to steady herself on a steep slope of the shale.)

"Look, I'm sorry about the fire," the soldier said. "Those two Royals--"

"Forget the fire(attack on my home)," said Merran(snapped Merran). "Forget the Royals. I need to get us back and I need to get help for Father and Barris." What I need is to have Mother here (she thought). (A profanity hovered on the edge of her tongue) That-- A wave of horror swept over her; she had almost cursed the charm and the soldier who brought it.

(The teaching of her parents were drilled into her.) Her parents had drilled it into her for as long as she could remember: a sorcerer must never, never ever curse anyone or anything. You never knew what it might do, or when it might come back to haunt you.

She looked this soldier over. Not a Royal.  He belonged to the local garrison. He's hardly more than a boy.(she realized) (His lanky mane was cut to the shoulder and a hint of a mustashe hovered over his lip, thinner than a newborn's hair.)

Her gaze must have unsettled him. He said (asked) "Why don't I just find my own way home?"

"Because you can't," said Merran (reminding herself with the teaching words.  Whatever her parents had deemed sufficient was all that was left to get her home). "No matter how far you walk or ride, no matter how many seas you sail, you will never get home without sorcery." (This fire-world wasn't home.) No sorcerer could miss the difference, (not even her).   Back home Elemental Fire was scarce. Here it was abundant. No sorcerer here would need a HearthfireShe paused for emphasis. "This is a completely different world from our own." (She looked over the view of forest below the shale cliff.  Occasional drifting smoke and square fields promised nearby habitation.).  (She paused, thinking furiously)

The soldier waited for Merran to speak.

I have to get us both home (but she hadn't a clue what to do)  (Thinking out loud,). She said, "What will (would) you do if I leave you here?"

"I guess I'll have to find someplace to live."

"No, I mean now. Right now. If you were out here alone, what would you do?"

The soldier took a long, slow breath. "I'd look for a road."

(There was no road in sight.  If it existed, it lay between the trees) Merran prompted him. "And then?"

"I'd follow it until I found a house or a town or something."

Or something. "How would you find a road?"

"That sorcerer--Shogan?"

"Shogran," Merran (corrected).

"Shogran." The soldier looked like he had just taken (eaten) a mouthful of dirt. "Shogran must have ridden that horse from a road. And the horse probably knows the way back to its stable. I'd follow it back."

NJC, this is what I'm looking for.  Short descriptions added intermittently.  You normally write in blocks of description, blocks of conversation, and then back again.  I'm looking for a smoother read by mixing it up a bit.  Jamen talks and you could give me a snapshot.  Merran debates Jamen's advice and I want to see the surroundings.  Does this help?

The concept is intriguing, Philisha.  Rebecca might have other plans, but your advice is good.  I'm always looking for a gripping formula to start each book.  This sounds like a great thing to browse when life gives me a moment to breathe.  Thanks for the advice!

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