Daughter of Aithne- Karin/ Rita's Thread

The biggest thought I had is that I had a LOT of trouble remembering the names of the maga.  They all end in A.  They all have similar syllables.  One starts with G, and I think one starts with S.  Since you want to introduce them in the first chapter, make the snake-shape shifter the primary focus, emphasize her name from the beginning (instead of separating the snake/ maga as if they are separate personalities), and use nicknames for the other two maga.  (Short and monosyllables of possible) to encourage retention.   

I realize this is your third book, so this may not be possible.  However, if you can't make the characters easier to retain, then consider having the snake maga rescue the princess without backup.  That way, the other characters can be introduced in different chapters.

I guess I should add that I can't really have Ghemena do this alone, as it would violate the culture of the magas and strain (perhaps even violate) the limits of their magical system. Magas are social creatures; they run and work in packs whenever possible.

Oh, let me know what you think about the newest review here.  I'm terrible at finding the comments after-the-fact.  Still haven't found a way to reliably find what your impression was.

A

Hi Amy! Your reviews are really helpful, especially since you haven't read the first 2 books. You help me keep track of what needs to be explained for the newcomer. I am a little ornery when it comes to receiving reviews; my first reaction is often to argue almost every point. But the arguments are more about me working through the logic of what I want to do & how best to do it, then any real criticism of the review itself. I always find a way to change what I'm doing and (hopefully) make it better, based on what the reviewers flag. So, I don't think it really matters if you see my comments on your comments. I worked up some new edits on Ch 2 based on your feedback, and posted those today.

I haven't put up chapter 3 yet, but should in another day or so. I will probably be posting once a week from here to the end of the year; more often once we get into January/February.  I'm so glad you found my feedback useful. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

A general message to everyone who has been reading Daughter of Aithne:

Last week I received the red pen mark-up from my amazing editor, Terri-Lynne. Overall she was pleased with the manuscript, BUT she also left me with a lot of work to do. So for the next few weeks, instead of posting new chapters, I will be going back and revising all of the chapters already posted.  Some chapters will go through virtually no change; others are in for a major reworking. When I post a major revision, I'll leave a notice here for reviewers who would like to go back and see the rewritten chapter.

So here's the first notice:

Chapter One, "Accusation" (not to be confused with the prologue "Escape"), has gone through some important changes, especially in the final scene. The essentials of plot are untouched, but you may like to have another look just to stay up-to-date on how events shape up in the early chapters of the novel. And of course, any feedback you have on the new edits would be most welcome.

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far; your feedback has been incredibly helpful!

Hey Everyone -
I could use some fresh eyes on the prologue for Daughter of Aithne. I really want this opening sequence to crackle off the page, and am working hard to smooth out the prose & make it so. The link is here:

http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/posting … ok-3-14180

I've reposted, so even if you reviewed an earlier version, you can earn points by commenting on this one.

Thanks!

Karin, I'll also try my best to review your prologue tomorrow, latest over the weekend!

Thanks, njc! I really appreciate it.

Yes, I definitely understood what you meant by this in your critique (or at least, I think I did).

I think, rather than making Eliasara's reaction stronger, moving deeper into Ghemena's pov would be the answer. I am also, in the rewrite, giving more of a voice to Ireny and Nicola. This will make it clear (I hope) that they firmly believe they are doing the right thing, and call into question whether Eliasara's doubt is justified. Knowing how the story develops later, I think that's the safer way to go. Also, if I make Eliasara's reaction stronger with no counterbalance for the magas, my sense is that this would increase the "moral indeterminancy" rather than decrease it.

Thanks again for all your input. It's been very very helpful!

I definitely disagree with this. It's true of some events in the series, but not all. Martin is a master of moral ambiguity. The more amoral (="bad") a character is, the better off they are in his world. Which would make "bad" the new "good" in Westeros.

At any rate, I am not trying to recreate Martin's world. (Way too dark for me!) There is "good" and "bad" in Daughter of Aithne -- MUCH more so than in ASoIaF, but these don't always align with the moral compass of our world. What's important is how each individual character perceives a "good" act versus a "bad" act, and how these perceptions evolve as the central conflict plays out.

I've made use of all your feedback to rework the prologue, and am very happy with the result. Thanks again!

Goody! I struggle to pick up stories in the middle, so this might just be the hot poker up my ... nose I needed to get me going again and catch up with you! ETA is sometime over the next weeks, but at least it has been noted. And appreciated, a heads up like this is really helpful!