Search options (Page 45 of 76)

I lazed at the conference and also got to hunt for a new car in my free time. When it rains, it pours. You are on my dance card,  so don't worry. Hey, can I start calling you Cricket? I only tag people with nicknames if I like them. Don't worry, Difk. You're next!

Has a winner been declared for the superhero contest? If so, did I miss that in the midst of summer chaos?

Give me some time to think about it. I'm still thinking of the three stooges dynamic though

I love your spreadsheets, K. Just another reason to show you're the cool guy on this site. I'm thinking and will rewrite this weekend. Just another thing that could be accomplished over the next two days. Frought  with potential, I say! So why am I sitting in a car dealership getting a quote on a new car?

Alaric   Aretha
Brodan. Brielle
Caneth. Catherine
Drago. Dara
Eldred. Elise
Ferdinand  Filipa
Garth. Giselle
That should get you started!

OK, I am trying a different starting point with Kha and Airen in Mandates. (Where Kha enters the estate and Airen sees him for the first time)

Be brutal. If this starts the first book of the sequence, how is this for a first line, first paragraph, and first three paragraphs? (OK, four if you count the line at the end) I'm trying to stay in Kha's poetic style, stick the reader into a 'magical' world from the start, and have Kha's sarcastic humor shine through.

Any takers?

Fog still hung over the trees, thick enough to slice and slather over bread. The morning light might have a chance of burning it away, but that was going to be a battle worth watching. Kha turned away from the window and smiled to himself. Everything both beautiful and terrible could be described in terms of food. The blaze in the estate’s fireplace called to his bones. He wandered toward the heat. His magical staff leaned against the mantle. His cloak hung on the propped wood, steaming after a long night’s ride.

The Lord of this manor reclined on one of the overstuffed chairs, unintimidated by the lull in their conversation. The man was tall, with a relaxed demeanor that spoke of power. Since Lord Ganolin was human, Kha guessed his host at maybe thirty-five...or was it forty? He wore his house colors of black and green, with Airen’s embroidery stitched carefully onto his sleeves and collar. Serious wrinkles mixed with lines of laughter carved into his face. He was willing to meet Kha’s eyes with a steady gaze, unintimidated despite having a mage in this home.

Kha reached toward the fire to warm his hands. After more than a year of waiting, he heard Airen behind him, voice cold enough to put out this fire.

“Ganolin, my love, step away from our guest.”

Rebecca, I know I'm sticking my head into the middle of a conversation. Here's something to consider...and I realize that it is changing the subject a bit, but here I go... Rather than cutting the chapters, have you considered a hard edit and thinning? You have a distinct style and may want to stay true to that, but I think there are a lot of spots in your conversation that repeat and could say the same thing with fewer words. And I think you can stay true to your style in the process. It would add even more punch to a great conversation and emotional exchange. And I don't say that lightly. This is an intense scene and has a big footprint...like bigfoot sized footprint. Great job!

Here's my attempt to help.

Your third unedited example is 196 words.

Edited: Note that I added a few more action verbs to these paragraphs, along with exclamation points.

“Why then did you not protect me?” the queen (demanded). “Onnen took me by the head and held me in the fountain and nearly drowned me. If (not) for Enhinti's screams, no one would have know (known) to  save me.(!)”
“You cannot blame Onnen–”
“Who shall I blame then, Da?” she whispered(,) choking on her own words. “I was seven years old. My mam had just abandoned me. I needed my da. I needed you. But you did nothing. You let (Onnen) see both I and my small sister every day. You allowed her to remain(!)”
Camuir shook his head, sadly. “You must be more understanding, Elen. Your mother stole the baby from (Onnen). She was grieving and not herself.”
“But you were, Da,” the queen (muttered, realized, admitted, said, shouted...add more intensity than the word 'mused'). “You were yourself, as you have always been. Careless. An inept king, a feckless husband, and an incompetent father.”

146 words. I don't think this version has lost any of the content, intensity, or importance. And I cut out a quarter of the wordage.

Hope I've helped. FYI, that last line kicks ASS.

It looks complicated. Don't turn on a fan in the apartment. Don't run to answer the phone. Don't sneeze:-)

Achoo! Nooooooooo!

Why not? It's something you are working on. This is your thread. Why not put it up here and have Janet comment? I have no idea what I'm looking at, but I might pick up something by osmosis.

Right now, I'm learning boat terminology so that I can describe what happens to the rowboats in the Catacombs. Poor Petra Puppy.

Pictures?

Interesting thought. I pretty much stopped reading when I started writing with intent. Television is something that I watch when I don't have the energy to write. These days, those days are few and far between.

Though that bit about the white walkers is pretty hilarious.

It's a lot more fun to kick it to pieces (and throw it out a window)or learn to throw knives at it. Consider it a learning experience.:-)