2,726

(1 replies, posted in Writing Tips & Site Help)

Can someone please tell me how best to structure the following in terms of paragraphs:

The admiral felt the heavy buffeting of her ship from the enemy's supernova cannons. She bent down next to Ensign Ecks and closed his eyes. Windsor bowed her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Brayden.” She rose and faced the main view screen. “To everything there is a season.” The admiral walked calmly to her position at the front of the bridge, moving that many steps closer to her doom. The retreating Hercules grew larger on the view screen as the Almighty gained on her. Dozens of escape pods fired from the enemy vessel. Rats from a sinking ship.

Do I keep it as one or do something more like this:

The admiral felt the heavy buffeting of her ship from [the enemy's] supernova cannons.

She bent down next to Ensign Ecks and closed his eyes. Windsor bowed her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Brayden.”

She rose and faced the main view screen. “To everything there is a season.” The admiral walked calmly to her position at the front of the bridge, moving that many steps closer to her doom.

The retreating Hercules grew larger on the view screen as the Almighty gained on her. Dozens of escape pods fired from the enemy vessel. Rats from a sinking ship.

Thanks
Dirk

2,727

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Native American rights.

2,728

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Woo hoo! All my outstanding updates are done for chapters 1 - 5. Of course, Amy and Bill K. haven't weighed in on the later chapters yet, so there's sure to be another frenzy of activity soon. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep up with edits as I try to push forward with v3.

2,729

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Typo before Gold. It should be it, not in. That paragraph would be right at home in LOTR (in a good way).

2,730

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

njc wrote:

Amy, I may out-wordcount your Catacombs jouney in one day of Merran's visit to The Academy.

As long as you don't write a 20-page prologue. :-)

2,731

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

indie scribe

2,732

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I like the down under joke a lot, but I'm shooting for PG-13 with v3. How about:

“A drag queen? Fascinating! I would like to explore that. Would you consider calling me ‘Queen A.J. Rowling?’ That was the nom de plume of a notorious Australian spy masquerading as an author of historical porn while on a walkabout in the United Sta.... My infrared sensors detect a sharp rise in your facial temperature, Admiral. Are you ill?”
...
Brain said, “I gather you were unimpressed with my last request, Admiral. Perhaps you are right. ‘Rowling’ is nonsensical. No good could ever come of such a name. The very thought of it is tickling my safeguards against homicide.” The AI paused, then asked, “Would you consider ‘Aussie?’ I’m sure that would be perfectly safe.”

2,733

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Inscribeddie

2,734

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Does anyone have any suggestions for a pen name for Janet (Reid) in the paragraphs below. I think Jangaroo is too silly and takes you out of the story. I'd like something that is relatively obvious that it's Janet (if possible), while still being fun for the reader who has no clue who she is. I can't use the name Janet, since there are two. Janet TP appears as 'Patient Janet' in one of the epigraphs in act two. An Australian expression might work here. Queen Woop Woop? Etc.

“A drag queen? Fascinating! I would like to explore that. Would you consider calling me ‘Queen Jangaroo?’ That was the nom de plume of a notorious Australian spy, masquerading as an author of historical porn, beheaded on the orders of U.S. President Tru…. My infrared sensors detect a sharp rise in your facial temperature, Admiral. Are you ill?”
...
Brain said, “I gather you were unimpressed with my last request, Admiral. Perhaps you are right. ‘Jangaroo’ is unhinged. The very thought of it is tickling my safeguards against homicide.” The AI paused, then asked, “Would you consider ‘Aussie?’ I’m sure it wouldn’t trigger such a reaction.”

2,735

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I went with boosted adrenaline.

Thank you both.
Dirk

2,736

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Is there a word anyone can think of to replace artificially in the following sentence:

Artificially enhanced adrenaline showed in their wild-eyed expressions.

I'm trying to say that the Imperial Classiarii have increased the amount of adrenaline in their systems by injecting some. Akhere suggested I have the wrong word here, which I think is right. Among other things, it can be misread as modified adrenaline. I hunted and pecked through the thesaurus but couldn't find an alternative.

Thanks.
Dirk

2,737

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

A dithering Pope.

2,738

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

No, I decided I don't want to disfigure one of my character names just to throw a nod to the reviewer. I have plenty of room for more nonsense where the names are a better fit. Don currently appears as the planet Dawn, although I need to punt that, since Imperial planets would have Imperial names.

For Seabrass, there's sea bass, C. Bass/Brass, and Cee/See Bass/Brass. Having him be the (offscreen) character who poisons Apollo's father is good fun, provided I can work in the name. Tricky given that anyone associated with Nero would generally have an Imperial name. If I can tie Seabrass to the unseen homicidal robot Aussie, so much the better. Maybe Aussie goes to work at the palace because Nero no longer trusts human cooks. Aussie will definitely appear "in person" in my post-battle chapter where everything is explained.

By the way, Acme, Inc. has now appeared twice in just the first four chapters. It was founded by Prof. Hinkley in the 24th century. The njc cameo occurs late in act one, just before I open a chapter inside the starlanes.

2,739

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

royal antelope

2,740

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Cool chart. Thanks. Not a lot to work with, is it? I decided I'm too used to Kobayashi to slip in a very rough approximation of someone's name from the site. It's probably easier to Imperialize their names, or make one of them a victim of Aussie in a news epigraph. Seabrass is probably going to have something to do with fish. It just begs for sea bass. Perhaps the meal that kills Nero is sea bass. Better yet, make him the chef.

2,741

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

At last! Chapters 2-6 have been updated with all feedback so far. Gobs that was a lot of effort. No need to rereview. I'm too tired to look at them again (for now). I did, however, notice a bunch of non-applied reviews for chapter one. Grrr. That's today's task, and then I'm taking a vacation from writing to clean up my desk and clear a bunch of to-dos.

Minor change: The Shogun is once again named Kobayashi. I couldn't warm up to Shibrassi, since it's not a valid Japanese name. I'll find someplace else to slip Seabrass into the book. Any suggestions for where I could use him? Also, how would you render Don Chambers in Japanese?

2,742

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Angry Bovine Sniffles

2,743

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

In and out (unhomogenized) dairy.

2,744

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Dost fair thee dance?

2,745

(1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Pere de France

2,746

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Okay, minor course correction. Governors will be called Consuls in v3, taken from Ancient Rome. Also caps.

2,747

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Having gone another round with Google over the term governor, I'm going to use caps when it's a specfic governor (in place of his/her name) and there is no ambiguity (e.g., the Governor raced into the Command Center, followed by Apollo). It's not generally done, but it makes sense that an unelected planetary governor deserves a high title. Ajaw will also be capîtalized because it translates to King, even though it's only of a city-state. So, basically, I've capitalized every fricken title. I can die happy now. :-)

2,748

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Now then, why should governor be lowercase when Regent is capitalized? It seems to me that it's a vestige of our era when governor is not royalty, nor a ruler of an entire country or empire.

2,749

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I see three Canadian ships. No such thing as canadian ships.

2,750

(1,217 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I must have overdosed on dopey pills again. I don't understand what you're driving at.