The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B. (Page 29 of 49)

I'm wondering how detailed to get with armed forces on New Bethlehem. In v2, I had just the Armed Forces and robots providing all forms of guarding and policing. In v3, I've added a separate Royal Guard for the Royal Family comparable to the US Secret Service, and the Regent deployed the Armed Forces to secure the Senate when the Imperium invaded early in the book.

It seems easy to add a separate police force, but then come questions like who guards the Senate, who guards the traitors, who guards the parade, who guards the funeral route, and who deploys into the havens during the second invasion? Robots will be everywhere, but they're always overseen by humans. Most of these could probably be handled by police, although it seems odd (to me) to use a police force to handle the public hanging of the traitors.

Thoughts?

I did give them a lawyer this time.

K, I'm using caps for titles like Prophet, King, Regent, etc. using your "rule of one".

What would you do with the following: "You will become a Prophet, not a King"? Since it's 'a' Prophet and 'a' King, it's one of many, but the line clearly refers to Joseph's future, not anyone else's. Caps?

What about: "No King, much less a Regent, had ever pardoned a traitor"? Should King be capitalized in this case? In this case, Regent refers specifically to Joseph's mother, even though Joseph's POV is worded as "a" Regent, so I assume caps on the latter.
What about: "New Bethlehem is ruled by kings"? I assume lowercase.

Man do I hate this stuff.

Thanks
Dirk

I think caps would work for King where there's clear context (the reader knows we're talking about Joseph), just as the reader would know Regent is Joseph's mother. Otherwise, you get things like: I'm king and my mother was the Regent. That makes it seem like Regent is more important than king.

Based on that, "No king (among many) and much less a regent (among many) has ever pardoned a traitor" should use lowercase for both, since that's the only thing that reads right.

If I understand you correctly, you're definitely saying that "no king (among many)" should be lowercase.

That suggests "You will become a Prophet, not a King" should be "You will become a prophet, not a king." However, that still leaves cases like "You will become a prophet, not the (one) King." So be it.

Let me know if you disagree.

Thanks.
Dirk

K et al, what do you think about setting up rival viewpoints in the Senate, both for and against execution? It's a pretty bloodthirsty crowd for a Christian world, although conspiring with the Imperium is the worst crime on NB, by far. Should it just be the crowd that's conflicted, or should the Senate vote be split as well? I wrote it so that the division really centered around Andrew. There's less impact without the thunderous applause and cheering, but I don't want this to come off as a planet full of butchers. However, neither are they a world of popes.

Thoughts?

GT?

One of the changes I could see making is having the crowd remain largely silent at the hanging (until they realize Andrew is choking). Everybody crossing themselves as the bodies drop, with only a few (or no) cheers? I'm trying to compare this to 9/11, where there was a near universal consensus in the US to go after Bin Laden. The treason/murders on NB is a similar offense, except to the whole world.

Also, you took Cain's speech as a potentially valid point of view for some on the planet, which it wasn't meant to be. I wanted it to come across as BS he's making up to save his own skin, hence the chamber exploding with outrage after he speaks.

Cain sounded sincere, his point of view was naive yet valid. add this to his plea to save his son makes his motives genuine. I enjoy this aspect. politics is such a grey area. villains are greatest when their worldview is tainted with truth.

Having the public react like this is a nice touch, plays on their emotions.

GT Galaxy Tales or is TGT better?

I've been thinking how the story can convince me he's being insincere, and the early comclusions are not promising...

What if they had him hooked up to a lie detector? I'd think the government was "adjusting" the results to ensure his son was murdered.

family/friend testimony? I'd assume extortion / torture.

I think I need Cain to have asserted the fact before it was life & death for anything to convince me otherwise

I'm not really involved, but can you have him spout things tgat the reader knows are wrong, or are contradictory?  Maybe not give his whole speech, but just the parts that you need the reader to understand?

How about this:

Is the bold part required? I think that makes it clear he's lying, but I'm not sure if I need to hit the reader over the head with it. After all, I remind the reader he's a felon, a mass murderer, desperate, and "creative".

Maybe 'crafty look' is too long and tells the reader too much?

I presume this is in addition to him no longer trying to save an innocent boy... I think this is the kicker.

Example. [J e n n a] lies cheats and steals from her lover in order to get the guns she needs to abduct Inga. Then lies to the child that she's her mother back from the dead in order to comfort her. Reviewers were still willing to give J a passing mark.

It would appear that there's nothing a villain can do wrong when he's rescuing children. I think I'm committing the same reader error when assessing Cain vs. Andrew