The reason it's worse to cheat a colored man IN THAT WORLD is that the colored man is already cheated, is denied the ability to fight back, and is regarded as automatically guity.
That's not condescension, though it would be today in most places. That's basic 'don't hit a man when he's down'.
Finding more inconsistencies in the blocks than I thought. We'll see. I'll get back to work in about 150 minutes.
The battle-for-Shogran/Rescue-the-children chapter is coming along. I should have the last blocks into place in a few more hours, but there will be at least a day of polishing, maybe more. I'll probably put it up before I'm completely happy with it.
It'll probably be about 4,200 words.
Okay, on the Very Soon TTD list.
I read the book many years ago as a young teenager and yes, it stuck in my craw (or should I say claw for the delight of the noodle thrashers?)
No, for the wet-noodle lasher you should definitely write ''craw', unless you mean to provoke a flaccid pasta flurry.
As to the General and the dinkies, the word 'washtubs' just occurred to me. Bigger than buckets.
Simplify the grammar logic. Stay with the English of the reader, but be a little clumsy with it. 'It is worse, that his mother was a slave', or 'What is worse, that his mother was a slave.' If you can mirror the Pictish grammar it will be a bonus, but few readers will know you've done that--or not.
I'm sad now: "To make matters worse, his mother was a slaze." was actually my favorite line in the whole chapter! (Maybe because she is sympathizing with the potential struggles of her unborn child by looking at the problem threw that child's eyes.) But it seems I am alone in that like. Sigh. I'm changing it.
You might try making the grammar a little simpler or more naive. 'To make matters worse' is the phrasing of a native speaker. A small tweak might suggest less facility with the language without spoiling the sentence for author or reader.
It's not a summary, it's a pitch.
FYI, I agree with Erndog that the chapter ends like a Mahler symphonic movement: no extended closing, just BOMP-BWMP! A paragraph describing the scene of victory might work well, followed perhaps by Jaylene's recognition that they'll have a lot more survivors to find, and they can't miss any.
I also think you could have a better title.
No, not alone.
njc wrote:Spot and correct the error, or be liable for "fifty lashes with a wet noodle."
Toe the line?
Got it in one!
I need two sentences. Dictates: "Jaylene is a priestess who saves her best friend from jail: together they combine forces and uncovers a threat to her goddess and everyone she holds dear. They journey into a series of underground caves…where magic is real and even the gods are in danger."
The dead Jaylene is brought back to life to rescue her friends, her goddess, and the world from an evil that seems to reach everywhere.
Acts: "Anver is a mage forced to run a a school of magic, surrounded by other teachers who want nothing more than to see him fail. He finds a secret room, and this leads him to discover an ancient evil within the walls of a place he calls home."
Anver, assistant to Master Mage Kha, is forced into ever-expanding responsibilities, saving his school, his Master, and maybe the world, when he is forced into a task that uncovers an ancient evil--and leads him to find love.
(Oops, deleted Mandates)
Master Mage Kha should have died with his friends in Earthwound. When his recovery is incomplete, he seeks help--and finds healing, power, love and danger, all gifts of the godess he despises.
The secrets won't come in this book, and the pitch is too short to paint in any of the tapestry--and still too long.
Note the power of the passive voice. I spend no words on Shogran. If there is a kidnapping there must be a kidnapper.
ThousandS of years, plural.
Melayne left the other worlds behind; Merran didn't. And it's not quite what she left behind. The rot--the upheaval--is spreading.
When her shop is invaded and her husband kidnapped, a village sorcerer and her daughter are forced into adventure in the Worlds she left behind, Worlds threatened by social upheaval and secrets buried for thousands of years.
=Children and Beasts= is the first book of =The Sorcerer's Progress=.
Elisheva, go to bed :-)
This is our time of day!
Ack! I suck at summaries, but here goes...
Twin girls Maya and Vierra and young Dragons Noi and Dea find themselves at the center of a war where all may not be as it seems and their very existence could mean the difference between victory and genocide.
-Elisheva
I think this sells your story short. The key element is the linkage between the human and dragon twins, a linkage by nature and politics.
I owe you a Girl Genius link for that.
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20130114
Okay, I have a not-quite first draft, with some edits noted where I missed points from the outline. I have a couple of scenes to merge, and I have to attach it to and edit it with the first part of the chapter.
Merran will be driven to study how to fight Shogran's creatures--and she'll regret that after her next encounter with Shogran--who will have buried some of these details in defensive amnesia. (It will take well over a week to get him healthy again.)
I owe you a Girl Genius link for that.
Yes, well, I'm no mercy killer. (Hey, where's the leering emoticon?)
And K. isn't happy if your protagonist isn't the last man standing.
It looks like the timelines may let me use Kirsey's visit to the library in this book. Ah, I'll have to see. It may depend on a horseshoes tournament.
What happened then, well that's the Play ...
