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Okay, got it! Thanks.

Dear Suin:

I agree. People are not one-dimensional and react different in different environments and situations, even though there's always a sort of pattern which people regularly follow. I was only surprised to find such a different character all of a sudden. From his comments, I gather Sheriff Norm is as surprised as I was. Well, his exact words were he was "pissed" because of Sarah's reactions, allowing Hugh to control her. My belief is because Sarah turned into such a different character.

My advice would be then to clarify why she's behaving in this way. Okay, it's evident she's in the middle of something big, she's only 21, and she's overwhelmed, and you may say it should be obvious, but it wasn't for me--which may mean I'm the only one so shortsighted. In case I'm not the only one, maybe you'd want to show in some other way the reasons she's reacting this way. Maybe some internal dialogue where she thinks of letting her parents down, of betraying their Catholic values, etc, vs. her dreams. And also come internal dialogue about Hugh: how much he likes him, but at the same time how much he confuses her, etc... Out of that internal dialogue the reader would infer why she's reacting the way she is, blindly accepting to marry Hugh--at least it seems so.

Kiss,

Gacela

By the way, because of you I read "Swords & Deviltry".

Interesting...

Kiss,

Gacela

This is a comment Rhiannon sent to me through a quickie:

Hi Mariana: To answer your question, was there too much human-demon conflict before the YA drama, my initial response is yes. The human-demon conflict is like the backstory (like, not is. I know it's part of the "front" story). I think you should start with the teenaged drama, maybe even Athena's being bullied and her suicide attempt, then dovetail the human-demon conflict in that. One suggestion: you show Athena's conflict, then in the next chapter, show Helga's conflict, have them like intersecting plot lines that merge with the whole Patrick loves Athena (poor sucker) conflict. Oh, and I made some further comments in response to some of your replies, so you might want to check that.

My answer:
Thanks. The Sheriff and you are giving much to think about. This is the story's first draft, so it's valid to rewrite it. I mean, what's the purpose of publishing it here if not?

I never planned to have Athens and Helga communicating. In fact, my original idea was that Helga wiped out Athens off her body, but the Sheriff may be right. Of course, it represents heavy rewriting. So far, I will continue with the story following the original idea and will introduce the amendments in the second iteration. I don't want to start modifying the story, taking ages before it's concluded.

Kiss,

Gacela

All these are interesting comments. Thank you very much.

At the beginning of the story, Helga invades Athens's body almost by coincidence, which actually prevents Athens's death--otherwise, she would have died after hitting the pile of cement sacks. After that, it's always Helga in control of Athens's body. I thought it was clear but, from the Sheriff's comments, I think it doesn't. I know there's much I have to rewrite and this is one of the main things. Melissa and Patrick befriend Helga, not Athens. Athens and Helga do not alternate controlling the body, it's always Helga.

About what happens after chapter 35, Sheriff Norm really made me laugh! I don't think Patrick and Helga would make love right under the bushes--even though is a tempting idea  ;P   Also, Sheriff Norm is confused about Number 700. He's not Patrick's dad. I actually made sure Buchanan indicated Patrick's dad must not be summoned in order to avoid extreme conflict, which is the very reason why Buchanan issued the order.

Suin's idea is interesting. Why I'm realising is I'm missing chapters. I mean, I need to add more scenes showing life between Patrick, Melissa, and Athens/Helga, stressing each one's personality, motivations, etc. Also showing what Helga is capable of, like when she caused the knife to go through that girl's hand.

Kiss,

Gacela

I've just the the last chapter published and I have some concerns. In Mexico, a highly catholic and conservative country, I've seen cases, even with close friends, in which a girl gets pregnant and HAS to get married. I agree with the fact that conservative parents tend to make sure single, pregnant girls get married in order to "cover-up" things. So, Sarah's mother reaction is correct. However, what I think is not correct is that Sarah's mother may be happy and even enthused with this arrangement. What I've typically seen is that this kinds of arrangements are seen as a "necessary problem". Meaning nobody wanted a marriage, but because it's the only way out, so you ought to cope with it. The baby is not a nice surprise for anybody, bit is seen as a burden nobody wants, a piece in a larger problem.

So, my belief is Sarah's mother would not be enthused with the marriage, even if it represents a solution. Relieved? Maybe. Happy? Not at all. Moreover, because Sarah's mother must be aware it's the end of Sarah's ballet career. According to Sarah, she was accepted in the Russian company, missing only certain exams, including a medical one. She must realise once the Russians discover through the medical exam Sarah is pregnant, they gonna break up the deal.

So, Sarah's mother must be quite upset with the whole thing.

On the other hand, I don't agree with Sarah's reaction by the end of the chapter. She must be hating Hugh. However charming, because he didn't use protection she's now pregnant. He barely knows him, ans she never authorised him to talk to her parents. He's intruding his life and destroying her career. She should hate him, or at least be so very angry with him she wouldn't even ask him to drive her back to Dublin, not to say actually consider marrying him.

Kiss,

Gacela.

It all depends on your aims. If you're looking forward to being published by traditional publishers, then it might a problem. If you're self-publishing, which is a route followed by many in TNBW community, then you don't care about dealbreakers. If you've already self-published anything, those works turn automatically ineligible. However, I've read of self-published ebooks whose rights are afterwards purchased by any of the infamous big 5 who then publish the hard copy. If they smell money, believe me, they're gonna try to buy your rights no matter what.

Prob is, they've lost they nose. There are tonnes of stories about bestsellers that were rejected not once but several times. Harry Potter tops the list, but take Carlos Ruiz Zafón's "The Shadow of the Wind". Back in 2002, he participated in a contest sponsored by a Spanish publishing house and ended second. The first prize was the publication contract awarded to Angeles Caso's "A Long Silence". Zafón was already a YA published writer and "The Shadow of the Wind" was his first novel targeting a more mature audience.

One of the judges recommended to publish Zafon's novel too, not as part of the contests but under a separate negotiation. At first, nobody at the publishing house cared, but finally Zafón's novel was published. Few books were published at first though--something around 1000--and distribution was poor because nobody at the publishing house believe it in, despite Zafon being a published author and despite he ended second. My goodness, it was not like he had ended in the last place! But no, the publishers didn't believe in him.

As of today, "The Shadow of the Wind" is a bestseller that has sold over 10 million copies alone. The author turned it into a three-book series that has sold over 20 million copies. The novel that won the prize was published but it never, ever, represented the success Zafón's novel represented. Why didn't Zafón's story won the first prize? In the end, it got published just by chance.

The link posted by njc takes you to a very interesting article about publishing houses nowadays. I know self-publishing doesn't seem to be the route to becoming a best-selling author, but the big 5 don't seem either. The actual route is writing a best-seller. The readers--as it happened to Harry Potter and The Shadow of the Wind--will, ultimately, be the ones discovering a best seller.

Kiss

Gacela

Thanks Corra! It should have been more intuitive though.

Kiss,

Gacela