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As long as everyone tags this group as one they are publishing to, it should show up in the "group contents."

Hi Alkemi,
just a follow up on my review. I did have a lot of suggestions- true. You have a lot of science in your story. It makes for a clinical read- and I’m not saying that is bad, in fact, I like it. Those chapters show Tony one way- as a scientist, engineer, clinician.
In your chapter “Pregnant and Alone” there is an incredible opportunity for you to change his character- show the romantic side. He can come off clueless, inexperienced and adorable. Or he can approach romance the same way he does his science, but if you follow that path, there is no opportunity for character growth. I think I went overboard in this chapter because I saw the opportunity, but I didn’t see the growth.
This is the girl that he met at the diner- and that’s the only interaction they have had- even though Tony secretly was interested in her. Their conversations were about science.
In this chapter, there is the opportunity to have a little fun. The flirtation was one way to go. Innuendo is always fun to use. This is where you can let the reader meet Tony the guy outside of the lab.

About Tony’s comment “Could you get an abortion?” In normal conversation that is a huge no-no. If he was the father, or the boyfriend- maybe after a long conversation about weighing pros and cons, that could come up. But at this point he is just a casual acquaintance- I wouldn’t even put him in the friend column yet. He would’t ask such an evasive question - esp. since he doesn’t know her views on abortion. She could be anti-abortion and such a comment would completely blow any chance he'd have with her. Saying such a thing (to me) felt clumsy, (though personally I'm pro-choice).

The comment about her parents- in context it sounds like her parents would be domineering about the baby only- since that is what Tony and Beth are talking about. Had she said something like- “My family? No way, they’re type A- have to be in control over everything. I can’t let them in on this until I figure out what I’m going to do, myself.” that makes it sound like domineering is a character trait, and not that they would just want to take over the baby stuff.

There are many ways to make him look awkward- he can blush at weird times. Ask stupid (but well intentioned) questions.  The method for dialogue that works for me is that I completely immerse myself into my characters’ heads and try to say what they would say- for each one. Here, I’d be Tony, then Beth, then Tony. Then once you have the dialogue- get someone to read it with you. And for this chapter- since it deals with unexpected pregnancy and the stress the mother might/should be under- I’d get a woman’s point of view.

Finally- for the innuendo- and flirting- suggest a few romantic comedies.

It’s a great story so far. Get us to believe in Tony and we’ll (readers) believe in anything he says and does. So, please don't just stick to the science- get out of your comfort zone, and dig deep into your characters. After all, he's (Tony) is our guide and we should want to follow him.

Or if you really want to keep the theme:
"Common ground. Is underground. Pity."

Honestly- A set schedule will not work for me. I do most of my reviewing on my lunch hour, and sometimes I don't get one.
I like doing the 2 chapters in a row, but can't always do that either. The flexibility is key for me. When I have the time I try to "bank" reviews against when I might not have the time.

And I've since lost track of the 20 day schedule- I think I've kept up with that- 20 days is plenty of time.

Hi all,

Thank you for letting me join your group, I’m looking forward to getting to know you all, and your work.

I’m married with two daughters and a ridiculous dog that makes me laugh every day.

I graduated from Michigan State with a Bachelors in Fine Arts- and a minor in Graphic Design. I currently work in packaging and label production for a major swimming pool company - I guarantee you’ve seen some of our brands, and if you have a pool, you’ve probably bought them. I also do some freelance design, when asked. I paint in oils and water color; draw  in ink, charcoal and pastels (a glass -or two- of wine required). While in college I used my elective classes to take writing and while there, took 3rd place in a writing contest- which I thought for me was amazing as I (an art major) was up against the best and brightest of the English Majors.

I’ve since taken one of my short stories and expanded it out to a 4-book series. The first novel had just finished its review stage here (those of you that can do the math will see how long this has taken me). I’m currently working on the rewrite, incorporating the changes I agree with, then it will have to go to a proofreader. My ultimate plan is to self-publish, learn everything from making book-trailers for YouTube to formatting the pages for Amazon. I’m quite sure marketing the book is going to be my biggest hurdle/challenge.

Suin, I’m jealous about the pajamas.

Norm, we still buy vinyl records at the used record store- they sound better than digital any day of the week.

Gacela, I had 5 years of French and couldn’t remember nothing but “un clé” while in Paris for our honeymoon. At least we were able to get into our room.

Lady fickle, I’m not sure I know what a “roleplay” is, but it sounds fascinating.

Rhiannon- this will give us  more room for discussion- so thanks for putting my name in the hat.

Is Akhere still with us, he doesn’t show up in the members page?

And John, looking forward to reading your work, I hear it has style!

Take care.

CJ

And all I'm saying to beta readers is that I appreciate them, even when they miss something--as I deliberately make some things to be missed, and this shows success.  And I came on to respond to one reviewer who, although I disagree with many of his opinions about when to put in details and when not to, had other valuable insights.
>> I totally agree- I set up one of my characters to look guilty as hell, but in the background "hoped" I was also giving clues to the real perpetrator>> I loved it when the readers started hating the "bad guy" but they wanted me to cut much of the scenes with the other "and true" bad guy. Those that stuck with it - got the payoff.

And beta readers can spot things that you don't. Kathy Reichs once had Tempe take off her clothes, plop into bed.  She woke up, realized something was wrong, padded down the hall, saw what was amiss and called her colleagues who arrived forthwith.  Were all male, and probably delighted.  Did you notice that there was no mention of her putting her clothes on?  Kathy Reichs didn't.  I made the same error with Heather, a (male of course) reader noticed it. It's now fixed.>>
I have one- It was one of those Sue Grafton novels. The private investigator Kinsey I think it was, left her keys to her Volkswagen somewhere (the writer made a point to tell us she didn't have them)- but in then, miraculously they appeared when she needed them.
Though, there are some books that tell us every step the character makes, and that can get tedious. Good writing must be the balance, what to tell your reader, and what to leave to their own imaginations.

Welcome to the group, Iris. I know you will find the help and encouragement you need here. And take note, the reviews and critiques are not intended to force you to change your story or writing style, but open you up to new possibilities and at the very least present you your own material from the "readers" point of view. Which is in all honesty- an eye opener.
Take care,

CJ

mini-marshmallows

Or,
Perhaps the story is bigger than just one character. Sometimes things happen outside of one character's POV that the reader needs to be privy to, but not necessarily the character (I'm mainly speaking about First Person).
At least, that was why I used the multiple POV.
CJ

Completed Chpts. 8 and 9- Alkemi's souring seas.

Congratulations, Randy! Well done!