Completed chapters 5 and 6 of Randy's Kurdish Connection
351 2016-05-06 19:22:12
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
352 2016-04-30 16:35:12
Re: Beating One's Breasts (24 replies, posted in Additional Writing Feedback)
C J Driftwood wrote:rhiannon wrote:I always thought the custom was over-dramatic, but then we all mourn in different ways, and is it more over-dramatic than having cops lead a motorcade through town, stopping traffic? I personally think that good fantasy borders on the over-dramatic at times. At least its fun for me to write and read. I think 'as was our custom,' even might be over-explaining. Maybe when she meets up with Jeb again, I might have him ask your question, and she explain it. I do use the trope of having customs that would be normal for the strange culture shock or give a reaction from outsiders. When Rosalyn first meets Lido, for instance...
What I meant about being over-dramatic - was more about the timing. The dragon wasn't quite dead yet, and beating the breasts, instead of trying to save him, just didn't feel like the first thing someone would do. I imagine the first thing someone would do (which ended up being her second thing) was to try and save her friend. The custom itself wasn't that big of a deal, it was more the timing.
More her perception. Her first thought was that her friend was dying. Then, she goes, 'oh, I can save him.' I think that's a realistic response to such a shocking experience. A lot of people freeze in such situations.
If her first thought was he was "dying", then its still premature to go into mourning as, he is still alive.
I'd like to suggest: she sees him in the clearing, not moving, his color is off, because he can't breath what with his tail in his mouth. She thinks he is dead- hence the mourning. Then while beating her breasts as is her custom, he gasps, or moves or does something to cause her to realize he is not dead, and that she may be able to save him.
353 2016-04-27 15:42:20
Re: Beating One's Breasts (24 replies, posted in Additional Writing Feedback)
C J Driftwood wrote:Being one of those readers who "didn't get it" it just felt like over-dramatization to me. I suppose you could just say "So overcome with grief, I beat my breasts, as was our custom." ??
I always thought the custom was over-dramatic, but then we all mourn in different ways, and is it more over-dramatic than having cops lead a motorcade through town, stopping traffic? I personally think that good fantasy borders on the over-dramatic at times. At least its fun for me to write and read. I think 'as was our custom,' even might be over-explaining. Maybe when she meets up with Jeb again, I might have him ask your question, and she explain it. I do use the trope of having customs that would be normal for the strange culture shock or give a reaction from outsiders. When Rosalyn first meets Lido, for instance...
What I meant about being over-dramatic - was more about the timing. The dragon wasn't quite dead yet, and beating the breasts, instead of trying to save him, just didn't feel like the first thing someone would do. I imagine the first thing someone would do (which ended up being her second thing) was to try and save her friend. The custom itself wasn't that big of a deal, it was more the timing.
354 2016-04-24 15:40:48
Re: Beating One's Breasts (24 replies, posted in Additional Writing Feedback)
Being one of those readers who "didn't get it" it just felt like over-dramatization to me. I suppose you could just say "So overcome with grief, I beat my breasts, as was our custom." ??
355 2016-04-23 20:29:07
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
I completed Chpts 7 & 8 of Matthews' the Girl Who Lost Earth.
356 2016-04-18 17:39:23
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Finished reviewing Cobber's chpts. 7 & 8
357 2016-04-09 19:14:52
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Completed Chapters 6 and 7 Alkami's Souring Seas. And Chapters 7 & 8 of Stefanie's Day of Darkness.
358 2016-04-08 15:40:59
Re: Discussion of C J Driftwood's, Raven's Curse (14 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Good points, Jube. That was the intention of the scene. Though the book currently tops off at 221,991 words. I'll keep it for now. I'm just thankful for the ability to self-publish, I don't think an established publisher would touch a new writer with so much to say.
359 2016-03-30 16:06:31
Re: Discussion of Jube's novel, World Of Phyries (49 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Chapter 6:
1. Action tag about gasping: "Help me. He's coming," the old man said, gasping for breath>> not as strong as incorporating the gasping in the quote itself with the "..." >> "Help me.... He's..he's.. coming." The old man fell into their arms gasping.>> by rearranging you can add the tag with the action phrase.
2. Stephen King: though his advice is great- true, you should cut the "ly" verbs, however sometimes they work great, if you can use them in place of a bunch of words that may slow down your action. I think he'd agree- used sparingly they are fine. Used too much- not so fine. In action scenes especially (fight scenes) better to lose the "ly's". The usage shouldn't depend on the author- but rather the voice and the story. And here, you would know better than I.
3. I am not a fan of Kardashians, I barely know who they are- not why I thought the "K" fit better than the "C." Its just that "C" is an ambiguous letter- not sure where it came from, but heard even Benjamin Franklin wanted to get rid of it. "K" feels hard edged and the word "Cardakas" would look cool with 2 K's. Kardakas.
4. Real name, vs Full name. Silverhorn, is pretty darned close to Silver- in fact, Silver sounds more like an abbreviation than a false name. That's why I think "Full Name' is more accurate than "real name."
5. Downwind vs upwind. These are not ambiguous at all and is great at orienting the reader. If the scent is blowing downwind- that means it is blowing away from them, they are "up wind" from the fire and the smoke, therefore the smoke would not come in contact with them-it is blowing away- downwind. It can only overtake them if it is upwind and the wind is blowing towards them because they are downwind from the fires. Think of the wind as a river- downwind would be downstream. If someone puts a boat into the river downstream from you, it would continue downstream and never cross your path.
360 2016-03-29 16:30:28
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Completed Jube's Chapter 6
361 2016-03-22 17:05:39
Re: Discussion of Jube's novel, World Of Phyries (49 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
I went back and commented on some of your comments on the Chapter 5.
362 2016-03-22 16:31:37
Re: Discussion of Jube's novel, World Of Phyries (49 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Hi Jube
Just some follow up-
You want Olstas to appear simple minded, but smarter towards the end.
You want Talmas to appear as weak, but smart. A know it all that over-explains.
And Maribel as... (see, you didn't have to say, because her character you've got nailed down). She's brash, impetuous, spunky and somewhat quick-tempered. You did this by both action and dialogue. I think that is not as strong with Olstas and Talmas. (At least not in these earlier chapters.) I have not pictured Olstas as a buffoon- just a strong, stocky boy. Talmas, so far just comes off as a quiet, contemplated, in his head sort of boy. Not a know it all- which would be annoying. He's yet to be annoying.
- which is why some of those dialogue "quirks" got by me. They felt more like extra words- (and I'm the hunt for extra words as all I've been doing with my novels lately is cutting them down). But, so what? Characterization is building a personality- the more complex the longer it takes. My comments are from a reader just starting out on the journey to discover your characters, so I might state a change that is wrong for your characters.
When I get comments like that from reviewers, I make a note of it- maybe my characterization isn't strong enough, or where it needs to be at this point. Or, this is just groundwork, and the reader will catch up after a few more building blocks are added.
You mentioned this book is for 8th graders. They are very sophisticated now-a-days, and I think "antidote" is not out of their vocabulary. Not being a YA writer- but having raised two book-worm daughters (very well-read) I can suggest, don't think about the age group as far as vocabulary- just write them the most intriguing, entertaining, story possible. They will look up the words if it matters to them.
And finally,
Stop apologizing for your earlier chapters. Everyone gets better as they go along. I suggest not rewriting them until you finish. You might do what I ended up doing, completely changing the beginning, based on the end.
And, I am getting the big picture, but at chapter five, there is not much to comment on as far as the plot goes- I can see it building. It has the feel of a quest. Budding romance, a little bromance, and dark creatures, all great ingredients. Line edits are about all I can do right now until I get farther along. - oh, and I wish you didn't give me the spoilers. I wanted to "discover" that as a reader.
'nuff said. Going on to the next chapter...
CJ
363 2016-03-21 16:55:03
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Completed Chapter 5 of Jube's The World of Phyries.
BTW- autocorrect has a field day with your character's names, Jube!
364 2016-03-17 12:11:09
Re: How Little We Know (27 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Congratulations, Jack!
I'd be dancing too, but I'm a little clumsy when I'm celebrating!
365 2016-03-14 16:33:59
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Just completed Suin's chapter 2
366 2016-03-13 20:38:39
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Just reviewed chapter one of Suin's novel. I think I got out of order somehow....
367 2016-03-04 17:26:44
Re: Writing Tips - sourced from wherever we can get them! (7 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
I got another one- because I get dinged on this all the time: whether to add just the apostrophe(') or apostrophe s ('s) on single words ending in s. Guess what- no hard and fast rule- just keep it consistent.
I grew up learning drop the s. (Mr. Crebs' parlor). I think it is a new phenomenon to add the s. It seems to be the younger reviewers that tag it in my writing. I think it looks silly. (Mr. Crebs's parlor)
This was from one of my favorite sources: grammarbook.com:
APOSTROPHES WITH WORDS ENDING IN S.
While normal people wonder about apostrophes in general, believe it or not, word nerds have heated arguments over whether to use an additional s with singular possession.
Rule 1: Many common nouns end in the letter s (lens, cactus, bus, etc.). So do a lot of proper nouns (Mr. Jones, Texas, Christmas). There are conflicting policies and theories about how to show possession when writing such nouns. There is no right answer; the best advice is to choose a formula and stay consistent.
Some writers and editors add ’s to every proper noun, be it Hastings’s or Jones’s. And there are a few who add only an apostrophe to all nouns ending in s—however, this method is relatively rare, and not recommended here.
One method, common in newspapers and magazines, is to add an apostrophe plus s (-’s) to common nouns ending in s, but only a stand-alone apostrophe to proper nouns ending in s.
Examples:
the class’s hours
Mr. Jones’ golf clubs
The canvas’s size
Texas’ weather
Another widely used technique is to write the word as we would speak it. For example, since most people saying “Mr. Hastings’ pen” would not pronounce an added s, we would write Mr. Hastings’ pen with no added s. But most people would pronounce an added s in “Jones’s,” so we’d write it as we say it: Mr. Jones’s golf clubs. This method explains the punctuation of for goodness’ sake.
Rule 2: To show plural possession of a word ending in an s or s sound, form the plural first; then immediately use the apostrophe.
Examples:
the classes’ hours
the Joneses’ car
guys’ night out
two actresses’ roles
Pop Quiz
Place the apostrophe (and perhaps an s) where appropriate.
1. The classes opinions were predictable according to their grade levels.
2. The boss suit was brand new.
3. The bus steering wheel was wearing out.
4. The Crosses dog bit the mailman.
5. We understand Lagos airport handled over one million passengers last year.
6. The Smiths boat sank.
Pop Quiz Answers
1. The classes’ opinions were predictable according to their grade levels.
2. The boss’s suit was brand new.
3. The bus’s steering wheel was wearing out.
4. The Crosses’ dog bit the mailman.
5. We understand Lagos’s (OR Lagos’) airport handled over one million passengers last year.
6. The Smiths’ boat sank.
368 2016-02-25 17:11:47
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Reviewed Randy's Chapter 3 and 4 (v1)
369 2016-02-17 16:39:19
Re: Rules of comma usage (12 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Oh God! please email them to me: Creativedriftwood@gmail.com.
I'll post them on my bulletin board- I've broken all these rules at least a million times to the point I am too confused to even comment on them during reviewing.
370 2016-02-16 17:05:43
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Reviewed Matthew Abelack's The Girl Who Lost the Earth- Chapter 5 and Chapter 6
371 2016-02-10 17:54:28
Re: Plot Mapping (7 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
My 3 book "trilogy" came out of a short story I wrote for college. When I went back to make a novel out of it, it took on a life of its own, with the backstory becoming interesting enough to warrant a prequel. I've been since working on all 4 in tandem, the prequel forcing me to flesh out parts of the other story where I realized the time line wouldn't work.
That said, I found time-lines and maps of the area tremendously helpful. I even went so far at finding a yearly calendar for each of the years my books take place. I found this helps when mentioning days of the week and time frames.
As for actual plot strategy. Maybe my next group of books.
CJ
372 2016-02-09 17:05:35
Re: Please post here regarding a completed review (671 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Completed Chapter 4 - Jube's World of Phyries, Alkemi's Souring Seas ch 4 & 5; Stefanie's Day of Darkness Ch 5 & 6.
373 2016-01-26 17:20:58
Re: General Comments Section (281 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Hi CJ, etal,
No problem from my perspective. I've been a bit remiss as well. My brain cells have been churning out ideas (sometimes full sentences) to continue The Kurdish Connection, so I've been busy writing. I'm sure my gray matter will empty soon and I'll get back to reviewing everyone's work. Regards to all.
When the muses are in the mood to help, you should do nothing but write. You're so far out ahead of the rest of us, don't stop writing!
374 2016-01-25 17:11:39
Re: General Comments Section (281 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
All- my apologies. I've been awol for a while now- Had a major work related project to get out with a ridiculously short deadline- with a second following on its heels. On top of that I caught some respiratory thing that's been going around and not quite over it.
I owe several of you reviews and several more responses. Hope to catch up.
CJ
375 2015-12-21 19:26:28
Re: General Comments Section (281 replies, posted in Alpha to Omega - Review Group)
Hey, Matt,
I agree with you.
Its easier to get used to the writing style, and have a better sense of where the storyline is going.