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Sounds good to me.

Welcome back, Ashley.

Hey Norm,
I didn't see the posting for "The Outlaw Who Saved the World..." so I'll post here.
When I mentioned the bet about translating the Spanish, I hope you know I didn't mean translate word for word.
First, did the President use Spanish to connect to the workers, or did he use it so the "Only English" speakers couldn't understand his plans.
That would make a difference on how you translate.
The way I would do it (doesn't necessarily mean I'm right, FYI)
If he was just trying to connect to the workers, but not hide what he was saying from the native English speakers, I suggest including "tidbits" of English throughout- not a full translateion. Just a distilled version where the reader and the other English speakers can get the "gist" of it.
EX: Nosotros somos una gente, los Mejicanos y los norte americanos algun dia seremos un  solo pais. Treinta y un estados mejicanos y cincuenta estados norte Americanos seran ochenta y  una estrellas en la bandera Mejicana-Americana. One day, Mexico and America will share a common goal, one people, under one flag. No habran fronteras controlladas seremeos un  solo pais. No more borders to divide and weaken us. Mejico-Americana sera la nacion mas ponderosa en el mundo. Sin Mejico los estados  uni dos se marchitara en una nacion comun y corriente. United, Mexico-Amerca will be the most powerful nation in the world.” 
If he was hiding the comments from the ohers (I'm primarily thinking of the Secret Service and Bill, really) then you can italicize the English bits between the Spanish, but on the outside of the quotes.
EX: Nosotros somos una gente, los Mejicanos y los norte americanos algun dia seremos un  solo pais. Treinta y un estados mejicanos y cincuenta estados norte Americanos seran ochenta y  una estrellas en la bandera Mejicana-Americana." (italics)Mexico and America will share a common goal, one people, under one flag. "No habran fronteras controlladas seremeos un  solo pais. Mejico-Americana sera la nacion mas ponderosa en el mundo. "Sin Mejico los estados  uni dos se marchitara en una nacion comun y corriente." (italics) without borders to separate and weaken us we will be the most powerful nation in the world. 

Something like that. You speak Spanish better than I, but the last thing you want to do is do a complete translation, word for word. ANd you are correct, the Spanish is much more eloquent.

Military Intelligence.

However… If the people think the character had been bullied, it might create more sympathy towards her, don’t you think so?>> I think, just having her up there, a teenager, so distraught that she is willing to kill herself, would get sympathy, if that's how we need to feel about her. And without mentioning, we get a bit of mystery. What could be so horrible that this girl would give up on everything?

By the way, she never changed her mind. She was gonna jump but then the strange, red, naked man appeared behind him shouting “Bitch!” and that called her attention. He wasn’t shouting at her but at Helga, but the border between the spiritual and the material world became so think she could see him.>> this didn't come across (at least to me). Maybe if when Athens sees Mephisto he is more of a shadow, not solid looking, or like she's looking through a thin veil. Or maybe he can shimmer, in and out or waver like he's behind a mist?  As i read it the first time it sounded like he was calling her a "bitch" and was confused- how did he know her. Why was he so angry at her. What did she do to attract the wrath of the devil.

Don't know Patrick as a character, but he could be driving by and maybe sees her on the roof. You could have her backlit by the moon and he sees a halo around her head, caused by the filtering of the moon. (If she's the "heaven" in this "heaven meets hell" scenario, I'm not sure at this point.) Or, he and his buds were going to go drink beers at the abandoned (haunted) building> this would keep the creep factor rolling. You can even use the interchange between he and his friends to hint as to why Athens is up there. Even if he and his friends are not the boys that lied about her, they can talk about it, even in a sympothetic way. Or, if Patrick is the defender of her, you can have him defend her to his friends? Again, I'm only 2 chapters in, so if this is totally the wrong direction, just ignore.

Hey Gacela,
First, no, I'm not a professional editor or proofreader. I'm not even a professional writer, though I'd be a professional reader if it paid enough to live on. I love books and I love to read, have all my life. I like to dig deep when I read, find the characters' motivation as well as the author's. Might be why I love mysteries so much- the first books I read as a child were the Ellery Queen series, mainly because everything you needed to solve the crime was given to you, buried deep in the story. I got pretty good at solving the crimes, sometimes before Ellery. I do the same with book plots and now tv shows and movies, much to the irritation of my family. I like to break things apart and see how they work. So, while I'm reading I'm looking for where the book is going and I'll comment on that, because I think its important for the author to know if he's leading the reader in the right direction. I do hope those who I review take my comments as nothing more that suggestions. I hope they are helpful. But by no means take them as professional advice. Though I'm flattered.
Second, I am in awe of you that you can write so well in a second language. I'm still grasping some of the nuances of my native tongue.
That said I was thinking about your opening chapter. You said the reasons Athens is up on that ledge is not as important as that she is up on that ledge. I've only gotten as far as chapter two, but what if, you don't tell the reader why she is there at all. In fact, stay out of her POV entirely. I love the way you describe the scene, almost as if the building is a "dead beast"[ The structure still missed all it walls. It was the skeleton of a frightful animal extending its forelegs high in the sky and standing on monstrous, grey concrete legs--the columns of a would-be extensive concourse.] The creepy factor full-tilt. Then have her make it to the top (can this all happen at night, or will that mess up the plot line- because I think creepy shadows and moonlight would be killer right here.) Then, she's at the edge, maybe describe her looking down, about to jump, when she changes her mind. Then you can shift focus to the creepy devil man, buried in the shadows and how the moonlight glistens on his skin. She's afraid, turns to run, then he pushes her over. We find out from the next few chapters why she was going to jump. Treat this meeting as just a glimpse of both Athens and the Mephisto in a very short first chapter. The reader will be looking for clues as to why she was there, the mystery will propel the reader on.
Okay, so that is based on two chapters, I'll probably change my mind as I go.
Take care,
CJ

3. "You don't know where commas go, it feels like you just shake them out of a spice jar, and you let them scatter across your work in the hopes they will land correctly. You also don't know how to include a subject in your line so that the line has a clear meaning.">> I have this problem, too. Even with all the pages of rules that you were kind enough to find for us. I seriously think the rules have changed since I was in school.  Be that as it may, I think your suggestion is fine.

Hope you don't mind if I jump in here, not knowing what your discussions were about. I agree with your comment about "same as speaking to others in the real world" is not really accurate. Maybe telling a story to others. You must be rich in detail, but the details should further the plot. Everything has a purpose - including the dialogue - to get the reader interested in the characters, the place, and the story itself. It's more than speaking to another, because in effect, you are "world building" and offering that world to the reader and inviting him/her to enter. And sometimes the "less is more" approach is best, let the reader fill in some of the blanks- if you tell them everything, the world risks becoming boring. Readers like to participate (or maybe that's just me?).

About reviews- small balls vs big picture. When you can only review a chapter at a time, it's hard to see the big picture- the most you can do is comment on what you see as the story unwinds. It's hard to help a fellow writer with the plot, until you can see it forming. (Or if you can't- I guess mentioning that could be helpful). I reserve my "big picture" comments to the end- once I can see where the story is going.

That's why I liked the concept of this group- sticking with it until the end. Maybe it might be helpful if once we've posted our last chapter, we follow up with our "intent" and the rest of the group can speak to whether we reached that goal, or if not, what we can do "plot wise" to accomplish it? Just a thought.

Until you just said it, (Catherine the Great reference) I didn't, I thought she had a stroke, so I looked up the "myth," and now I can't get the image out of my head.
The question about the "Goblin Ice" was more about having not heard of it before than what it is. Reading through the comment would be stored into my brain until it comes up again. But reviewing so many books at once, I was wondering if I missed something.
I like to dig deep when reading. It's probably why I'm so slow....
Anyway, I liked the description. I think, even if you put it earlier, here it has the benefit of pulling the reader into the room and forcing them to think about size. The size of the dragon, the size of the room, the table with everyone eating. Gives the scene scale.

Hi Rhiannon,
My comment about Lido's identity coming too late, was that you stuck in "Next were not exactly, dignitaries, but notables, were Master William Smythe and his wife." Inbetween.
What you posted as a quickee was much better, but you let the reveal come too soon: Rosalyn grabbed my arm. “What the hell is that?” She pointed to Lido. “Some giant mutant parrot?”
Suggest instead:
Rosalyn grabbed my arm. “What the hell is that? Some giant mutant parrot?” 


She pointed to a dignitary that loomed across the whole ceiling, which was barely enough to contain him. I wondered if for now on the privy breakfast would have to be moved to the Great Hall. He was swinging from an adamantine perch. I looked at the emerald bolts that strained against his weight, which I knew to be two tons. They had a strange, greenish glow about them and I noticed Heather was looking at them approvingly.
“Right on. Goblin Ice,” she whispered. {though I don't know what she is referring to- the bolts?}


Lido was nude, for which I was grateful; I still had the shudders from his bathing trunks. His bulk took up the entire ceiling of the dining hall. I wondered what would happen if he were to unfurl his wings—his wingspan was 52 feet, and could easily crack the walls of the room.


“Oh, that is King Lido of the Wyrms, my childhood friend and ally.”

“Childhood friend? Oh, no, he is not joining us in our bedroom like your other childhood friend?” She looked pointedly at Heather. “I draw the line at that. Besides, what if he fell on you? You’d be crushed.”
>>this is a great description of Lido, FYI.

Thank you ever so much for catching my typo, and the lesson in punctuation.

We use "snuck" as the past tense of sneak. Not instead of sneak. Your example is present or future tense.
Not apples to apples.