CHAPTER 5
Scotland, August 20th 1635
The sound of hoof beats thundered across the ground and echoed through the forest. Three magnificent Arabians raced neck to neck. Sweat glistened off their bodies while their black manes waved in the wind, reminding Cameron of dancing flames.
The riders howled with laughter, a merry sound carried by the wind. Then they came upon a familiar area, one which came with painful memories, etched with good Scottish steel into nearly each sessile oak and scots pine tree surrounding it. Each mark represented a fallen clansmen, friend, or family member.
Cameron’s laughter died and his pace slowed significantly until his stallion came to an awkward stop. He gazed at the ground his horse trampled upon. Although the soil showed a healthy brown coloring with fertile grass, Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks. Athair's blood.
“Winter 1615,” Aedan said as he sidled alongside his brother.
Cameron smiled wryly. “If only I were a little faster—”
“How could you have known Cam? We thought Athair was invincible!”
Cameron nodded, face bleak. He knew he had failed his athair that eve, failed his family. His hands clenched the reigns thightly, turning his knuckles white. I will not fail them again.
“Let us race to the lake,” Aedan said with a hint of mischief in his eyes, an attempt to lighten the mood.
Cameron pushed the dark memory away and forced a smile. He let out a loud whistle, signaling Lucifer into a gallop. The horse neighed loudly, nostrils flaring as he threw his front legs up and took off.
“Cameron, you damned cheater!” Ian yelled from behind, giving his steed a good kick.
“Yet again, I am the victor!” Cameron shouted as he reached the lake with his companions a hares beat behind him.
“You’re touched in the head if you believe that!” Ian laughed.
“Me thinks the great laird cannot win fairly,” Aedan mused.
“Bah! I won! That’s that.” Cameron grinned, threw a leg over his horse and dismounted.
The others followed suit, dismounted and tied their horses to a nearby tree. Ian locked eyes with Aedan and gave him a brief nod. They bolted for Cameron, grabbed him and threw him fully clothed into the lake.
Cameron landed with a loud splash. Both men threw their heads back and laughed.
Standing up, Cameron said, “I wager you think you’re damn clever, don’t you?” He stalked forward giving his most menacing look. “I am far cleverer—” Splasshhh.
He slipped on a mossy stone and fell face down. He could hear their laughter even from underneath the water. He, too, was laughing as he surfaced.
“If I were you two, I would sleep with one eye open this eve," he threatened playfully.
Stepping out of the water, he pulled his shirt over his head, wrung it out, and tossed it on the ground. He was not angered by his ‘dip’ in the lake. On the contrary, the cold water cooled his sweaty skin and felt quite good after a long day of training.
Cameron reached for his brown leather belt to undo his kilt just as Aedan shouted, “Cam, look, over there!”
Cameron's eyes followed the direction of Aedan’s arm. At the far corner of the lake a golden head bobbed out of the water. Without hesitation, Cameron ran over to it. He didn’t have to turn around to know his brother and friend followed close behind him. He stopped at the edge of the north corner of the lake and stared down at the little waif the lake produced.
Covered to her shoulders by water, a young lass lay naked at the bank. A delicate hand rested by her nether curls and another hung across a soft breast. His eyes focused on the rosy pink buds of her nipples. Her breasts were barely over a handful, yet they seemed ample. She was a petite woman, nicely curved, like an hour glass with short cut golden hair which hung to her shoulders. Those full lips remind me of autumn apples. Long chocolate colored lashes fanned her cheeks. Cameron smiled at the vision. She looked like a water sprite, luscious and tempting.
“Perhaps we should see if she’s still alive, instead of staring at her like a pack of hungry wolves,” Ian said, his tone both amused and concerned.
“She is still breathing. Look at her chest--"
"If you insist," Ian said shamelessly.
"Aye," Aedan agreed with a certain twink in his eye.
Cameron glared at them and instantly regretted drawing attention to her exsposed busom. Selfishly, he wanted to be the only one who could look at her thusly. He frowned at his strange possesive thought. She is just another lass. "Her breaths are coming in slow and even,” Cameron continued as he bent down to further examine her. He put a hand on her forehead and nearly flinched at the shot of awareness that struck him. “Her skin is cool. 'Tis good, there is no fear of the sweating sickness.”
“Who do you think the lass is?” Ian asked. “Why is her hair cropped like a lad’s?” Aedan added. “Mayhap it was shorn for displeasure or punishment?”
Cameron could not imagine anyone being displeased with her. “We shall take her back to the keep until she is well enough to answer our queries.”
Ian put a hand in warning on Cameron’s forearm. “What if she is a Montgomery?”
“Then we shall send her back to her clan. I am not about to wage war on a mere woman.”
He gathered the girl in his arms and lifted her off the ground. Cameron paused, staring down at the sight of this golden head resting against his chest, feeling the tickle of her breath on his skin. For a moment, time stilled as he hugged her closer, lowering his face into the nape of her neck, inhaling deeply. Beneath the smell of fresh lake water lurked the aroma of Lavender. I know this scent, he thought. As if someone moved them in his stead, his lips brushed her temple in a tender gesture. What is this? A vision flashed into his head. Have I done this before? How can that be? I have never met you...yet I know those lips taste like sweet berries ripe from their first picking--
Birds chirped and broke the spell. He shook himself, glanced up and caught Aedan and Ian's dumbfounded looks. Being caught staring at the lass like a love sick youth embarrassed him. "Get me the tartan that is tucked in the satchel next to Lucifer's saddle."
Ian slapped Aedan on the back. "Let us go do the laird's bidding so that he can continue looking at the lass all cow-eyed."
Aedan laughed. "He was more like a dog with a prized bone, drooling over it."
They laughed as they walked towards the horses.
"Cow-eyed my arse," he muttered more to himself than to his companions.
A small feminine moan brought his attention back to her. She stirred. He was astounded when she opened her eyes and he looked into the deepest of violets. Sweet Mary, she is beautiful.
**
Dazed, Sophia opened her eyes. Through blurred vision, his facial features slowly appeared. The first thing she saw with clarity was his eyes, magnificent blue, like the exotic Caribbean ocean. She lifted her hand to his face, tucking a strand of wet shoulder-length black hair behind his ear, then caressed his cheek. She felt the stubbles of his whiskers and the soft skin beneath it. He was warm, almost as if he were real and not just another one of her dreams.
He stared as if mesmerized as her fingers roamed over the ruggedly handsome terrain of his face, touching a perfectly straight nose, then moving onto his lips, and caressed them with her thumb. His gaze became hooded as thick eyelashes fell to his cheeks. Men that beautiful should be illegal, she thought.
“I think I wished for you,” she whispered, lips curving.
"Madam, I think you are ill." He appeared concerned.
She cradled his cheek in her palm, needing to touch him before he disappeared like he did before. "You feel so real." Her hands moved to his wet hair and tugged at it gently.
He frowned. "I am real."
A small laugh escaped her lips. "Only until I wake up and then you’ll disappear." Her eyes lowered to her nakedness and she gasped. “I’m naked!” She laughed again. “Now I know I am dreaming.” Her hands roamed over his bare, muscular chest, marveling at the strenght she felt beneath her fingertips. “Are you naked as well?”
Amusement lit in his eyes. “Not entirely.”
Lifting her face to the crook of his neck, she inhaled his scent. "Hmmm, you smell real." Slowly she brushed her lips over his. “Taste real.”
I can actually feel the warmth of his breath on my mouth. Mint, he tastes like mint. She laced her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer, gently nipping at his bottom lip with her teeth, teasing him. Her mouth tingled from the feel of his lips on hers. Her pulse quickened with excitement and longing. She moaned, seizing his mouth for a tender kiss. He tastes so sweet. Her tongue found his, tangled with it, and sucked on it. She did all those naughty things she dreamt about doing but never did.
He gasped, then crushed Sophia's body close and deepened the kiss, his tongue opening her mouth further. "I was right, you do taste like strawberries," he murmmered against her lips. His mouth was demanding and possessive all at once, and it was thrilling. A liquid warmth shot straight down her core and nearly made her go limp in his arms. Fingers dug into his hair as she tugged his head closer, kissing him as if he were her food and drink after days of walking in a desert. Please God, don't let me wake up. Let me stay with him a little longer. She was not sure what it meant. She knew only that it felt right, that she felt right wrapped in his arms.
Someone cleared their throat. “Leave it to Cam to find a beautiful water goddess,” said a male voice nearby.
“Aye, he has all the luck,” complained another. "You already have one bonnie lass. Let me have this one."
Stunned, Sophia tore her mouth away from his and glanced up to see two men standing in front of her, looking down at her with bemused looks on their faces. One man resembled her half naked man a great deal. The other was a few inches shorter with reddish brown hair and laughing green eyes. Whoever they are, they're gorgeous.
Sophia shook her head. What's going on? My head! Her temple throbbed and thinking became difficult. She looked up at the man who cradled her in his arms, her vision hazy. "Don't leave me," she whispered before her eyes rolled to the back of her head.
© Copyright 2025 Natalia Vermont. All rights reserved.
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I was immediately drawn by the title, which seemed to promise sensuality with a hint of humor. As I began reading I was drawn into the story, and although I have not read the first 3 chapters, I was intrigued by the story line. Not knowing anything else about the story, I could tell the naked heroine acted/spoke in a manner not matching the century, so I presumed something had placed her in either a time, or a land, that was not her own. This story is one I want to read more of and would definitely recommend as a book to read.
Natalee,
Ooooooh, very, very, nice. Sensual even. A naked woman and a half-naked man...a nice beginning. I like that addition. It makes it more interesting. So good job there. I liked this chapter from beginning to end. I didn't note them but there were a couple of places the same word was used close together. If you read through it, I think you will find them
Stunned, Sophia tore her mouth away from his and glanced around to see two men standing in front of her, staring down at her with bemused looks on their faces. One man resembled her half naked man a great deal. The other was a few inches shorter with reddish brown hair and laughing green eyes. They were all handsome [men].>>I think you could leave off the word men since you tell us they are men in the first sentence.
that's all I got for you.
~Ann
Nat:
I thought to return the favor. Darned close to nit-free! Had a comment that Cam wouldn't have to 'unbutton' the shirt. Have him pull the shirt off over his head. It would be in keeping with 17th century attire. Men's shirts were very long, had a v-neck, and a button or fastening at the neck. I know that because I make them.
Okay, found a nit.
Try to avoid adverbs. Show rather than tell.
1. Cameron nodded, face bleak.
2. “Mayhap it was (shorn) for displeasure or punishment?”
You have a switch of POV when you talk about how the water felt to Cam, and then how Cam's skin feels to Sophia.
I really like this version much better. I'll get back to the new chapter three soon.
Ceridwen
Hi Natalee,
Oh yes, I like this. :) She's dreamed of him so many times, it's only natural she'd think she was dreaming again, even naked! Her passing out was a good place to end the chapter, as new readers might wonder whether she's time travelled again. You've got just the right amount of tension between Sophia and Cam here. I wonder if he 'pitched a tent' in the front of his kilt, kissing his naked dream woman. :)
Great Job!
Tina
Suggestions: (add) [delete]
* Three magnificent Arabians raced neck to neck, sweat glistened (glistening) off their bodies while their black manes waved in the wind like dancing flames.
** He gazed at the ground his horse trampled upon(. A)lthough the soil showed a healthy brown coloring with fertile grass, Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks, his father’s blood to be exact.
*** “Yet again, I am the victor!” Cameron shouted as he reached the lake with his companions a hare(')s beat behind him.
**** Covered to her shoulders by water, a young lass lied (lay) naked at the bank.
***** was a petite woman, nicely curved, like an hour glass with short cut golden hair
I think you've changed the length of her hair a time or two, but did you have it as long in the last chapter?
**** Cameron glared at them and instantly regretted drawing attention to her exsposed (exposed) busom.
*** He put his hand on her forehead and nearly flinchted (flinched) at the shot of awareness that struck him.
** She shook her head as if [she was] trying to prevent herself from falling asleep.
Natalie:
You're just battin' a thousand. This is a really good story, I'm enjoying the heck out of this. Very funny too. You have a tongue in cheek way of writing this and it causes me to crack up.
tim
Favorite LInes:
Natalie, I'm a guy, if these weren't favorite lines, there'd be something amiss about me...
Covered to her shoulders by water, a young lass lied naked at the bank. A delicate hand rested by her nether curls and another hung across her soft breast. His eyes focused on the rosy pink buds of her nipples. Her breasts were barely over a handful, yet they seemed ample. She was a petite woman, nicely curved, like an hour glass with short cut golden hair, full red lips, and long lashes fanned her cheeks. She looked like a water sprite, luscious and tempting.
Great line...
He was astounded when she opened her eyes and he looked into the deepest of violets. Sweet Mary, she is beautiful.
Good ending...
She shook her head as if she was trying to prevent herself from falling asleep. Her temple throbbed and thinking became difficult. She looked up at the man who cradled her in his arms, just as her eyes rolled to the back of her head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Natalee, I read two and three and now four. This is a very good story and it flows well I think the overall pace and rythm are good. A couple of nits.
1) "Covered to her shoulders by water, a young lass lied naked at the bank" should this be lay naked?
2) I am not about to wage a war on a mere woman.” SHould this be over a mere woman?
I like this story and will catch up to you in the next day or so. MAybe a little more dialog or a little more private though (in italics) but deeper thought.
Very good read though Van
Straightforward and conveys Sophia's confusion well. I think since you are trying to make these guys speak in "olde speake" (sorta) you might want to be careful of cliches such as "pack of hungry wolves." You have doe the wolf thing already. Perhaps something like: we shouldn't be staring at her like she's our next meal, or we shouldn't be looking at her like starving men at a banquet. Just a suggestion.
Nicely done and a fun, fantasy story.
Hi Nat,
Pure pleasure. I like "threatened playfully" You sum up in two words a lot of body language and vocal inflections. Clean stuff.
I liked how they saw Sophia lying by the water and the water goddess reference. Your details are divine--sensual, great romantic genre descriptions. You make the reader take a breath, stay in the moment, feel the mossy stone and taste the mint of his lips.
I see the his eyes the color of "exotic Caribbean ocean" and feel his "stubble of whisker." I'm hooked, what's gonna happen to her?
Delightful stuff, a joy to read. T Cat
Hi Nat! Oh, I really like this rewrite! I agree that it is good to keep the spotlight on Sophia rather than Kirrah, and it is certainly on her here. Having her time travel naked is a nice touch, but wouldn't Cam have been gentleman enough to cover her with his shirt? Nah, probably not.
Really nice writing here, a lot of good description, and I don't feel like a lot is missing, even though you cut out the back story of the feud - this just flows really well. You could always fit the back story of Cam's dad in later, maybe in dialogue?
Diddn't see anything to pick on, just enjoyed reading. :) Cathy
Nat, this was just an excellent chapter. Very erotic, and so not the same ole same ole. You did a fine job - I loved that scene. My only question was how the heck did she end up naked? But I can make the stretch, because the result is so worth it. I absolutely loved the way she thought she was dreaming. Brilliant! Original! You go girl!
Loved this visual: sweat glistened off their bodies while their black manes waved in the wind, reminding Cameron of dancing flames.
Not a single nit. Executed well. So looking forward to how Sophia reacts to the 1600's. LOL
Hope you have a happy Easter. See you soon in that next chapter.
Susan
Hi Natalee,
There is definitely more connection here. More of Cam's thoughts and how he is immediately attracted to her. I liked it better. I know he will still treat her the way he has, but this will make that better as well, as he fights the attraction. Nice job.
~Ann
Hello Natalee:
I like the changes you've made. Your POV switch to Sophia works nicely. Since she seems to think all is a dream, her reaction to Cameron is spot on! My comments below are suggestions about tightening, reducing the use of 'her' 'she' 'his', etc., and possibly giving you a way of saying more with less, using direct thought rather than 'tell'. I've indicated those areas with (italics) in front.
1. You use coweyed - not immediately obvious what the word is. Try using a hyphen, 'cow-eyed' - and you won't have any misunderstandings.
2. There's no need to capitalize the names of trees or plants.
3. He gazed at the ground his horse trampled upon, although the soil showed a healthy brown coloring with fertile grass, Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks. (italics) My father’s blood to be exact.
4. He stopped at the edge of the north corner of the lake and stared down at the little waif the lake procured.(or produced?)
5. His eyes focused on the rosy pink buds (of) her nipples.
6. (italics) Those lips are so full - they remind me of autumn apples. Long chocolate colored lashes fanned her cheeks. (italics) She looks like a water sprite, luscious and tempting.
“Perhaps we should see if she’s still alive, instead of staring at her like a pack of hungry wolves,” Ian said, his tone both amused and concerned.
7. [a suggested way of reducing the use of 'her', and perhaps more direct thought]
He gathered the girl in his arms and lifted her from the ground. Cameron paused, staring down at the sight of this golden head resting against his chest, feeling the tickle of her breath on his skin. For a moment time stilled as he hugged her closer, lowering his face into the nape of her neck, inhaling deeply.(italics) Lavender. I know this scent, he thought. His lips brushed her temple in a tender gesture. (italics) What is this...A vision flashed into his head. (italics) Have I done this before? How can that be? I have never met you...yet I know those lips taste like sweet strawberries ripe from their first picking--
8. Correct spelling is 'embarrassed'
9. Ian slapped Aedan on the back. "Let us go do the (laird's) bidding so that he can continue looking at the lass all cow-eyed."
Aedan laughed. "He was more like a dog with a prized bone, drooling over it."
10. [again, reduce use of 'her']
He stared as if mesmerized as her fingers roamed over the ruggedly handsome terrain of his face. She touched a perfectly straight nose, then moved onto his lips, and caressed them with her thumb. His gaze became hooded as thick eyelashes fell to his cheeks. (italics) Men that beautiful should be (illegal), she thought.
11. [a suggested re-wording
He gasped, then crushed the girl's body close and deepened the kiss, his tongue opening her mouth further. "I was right, you do taste like strawberries," he murmured against her lips.
His demanding and possessive mouth caused a liquid warmth to shoot straight down to her core. Sophia nearly went limp in his arms. Fingers dug into his hair as she tugged his head closer, kissing him as if he were food and drink after days of hunger and thirst. (italics) I want him, I want him, I want him, and want him to take me! She was not sure what it meant, only that it felt right.
12. Stunned, Sophia tore her mouth away from his and glanced up to see two men standing in front of her, looking down with bemused expressions on their faces. One resembled her half-naked man a great deal. The other was a few inches shorter with reddish brown hair and laughing green eyes. (italics) Whoever they are, they're gorgeous.
13. Sophia shook her head. (italics) What's going on? Her temple throbbed and thinking became difficult. She looked up at the man cradling her in his arms then fainted.
Anyway, Nat, that's my take on this. Use what you need.
Ceridwen
Scotland, August 20th 1635
Beautiful imagery: “The sound of hoof beats thundered across the ground and echoed through the forest. Three magnificent Arabians raced neck to neck, sweat glistened off their bodies while their black manes waved in the wind, reminding Cameron of dancing flames.”
Sad memories: “Cameron’s laughter died and his pace slowed significantly until his stallion came to an awkward stop. He gazed at the ground his horse trampled upon, although the soil showed a healthy brown coloring with fertile grass, Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks. Athair's blood.”
Time to frolic—great fun! “The others followed suit, dismounted and tied their horses to a nearby tree. Ian locked eyes with Aedan and gave him a brief nod. They bolted for Cameron, grabbed him and threw him fully clothed into the lake.”
Behold! “Cameron reached for his brown leather belt to undo his kilt just as Aedan shouted, “Cam, look, over there!”
Breathtaking picture: Who could resist staring in wonder at this beautiful creature: “Covered to her shoulders by water, a young lass lay naked at the bank. A delicate hand rested by her nether curls and another hung across a soft breast. His eyes focused on the rosy pink buds of her nipples. Her breasts were barely over a handful, yet they seemed ample.
She was a petite woman, nicely curved, like an hour glass with short cut golden hair which hung to her shoulders. Those full lips remind me of autumn apples. Long chocolate colored lashes fanned her cheeks. Cameron smiled at the vision. She looked like a water sprite, luscious and tempting.”
I like that the examination as “respectful.”
Why indeed” “Why is her hair cropped like a lad’s?”
He gathers like you would a wounded animal. I like his touch: “He gathered the girl in his arms and lifted her off the ground. Cameron paused, staring down at the sight of this golden head resting against his chest, feeling the tickle of her breath on his skin.”
Cute: “Aedan laughed. "He was more like a dog with a prized bone, drooling over it."
**
Awake, my beauty, awake: “Dazed, Sophia opened her eyes.”
Yes, of course: “I think I wished for you,” she whispered, lips curving.
Love this: “Are you naked as well?”
The kiss! Feels so good to both of them.
No fear my dear, he shall not leave you: “Sophia shook her head. What's going on? My head! Her temple throbbed and thinking became difficult. She looked up at the man who cradled her in his arms, her vision hazy. "Don't leave me," she whispered before her eyes rolled to the back of her head.
Well done! You have a romantic soul that warms the paper as you write.
Great imagery. Perfect opening to a ‘tragic’ love affair.
Hugs, Irene
Hey Nat, Hope you're doing wellm wull try to revise as much as I can.
Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks. Athair's blood.//I'm not sure I understand this sentence, 'cold dead land'\\
Cameron('s) eyes followed the direction of Aedan’s arm.
I am not about to wage [a] war on a mere woman.”
For a moment(,) time stilled as he hugged her closer
He tastes so sweet. Her tongue found his, tangled with it, and sucked on it. She did all those naughty things she dreamt about doing but never did.
He gasped, then crushed Sophia's body close and deepened the kiss, his tongue opening her mouth further.//between these two paragraphs, I would introduce the Ian and Aedan. Because it's too long between the time he asks for the cloth and the time when someone clears his throat. Anyway, maybe it's just me, but during the sensuous scene, I keep wondering where the other two are and this ruins the effect for me. Just a suggestion, Nat.
All in all, a beautiful chapter. Although, I would make more or an intro for Sophia in this chapter than just having Cameron find her in the water.
Maybe, a paragraph at the beginning phazing from one world to this one... /readers are sophisticated and don't like to be talked town to, but as a reader, I also enjoy fiction Because I wish to be entertained; and I don't want to work so hard to do it. I'm a pretty lazy reader. So maybe it's just me. But I would start off the chapter with Sophia's fall and appehension once she's in the water.
I love this story, Nat. For sure it'll be published.
Joss
Hey Nat, Hope you're doing wellm wull try to revise as much as I can.
Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks. Athair's blood.//I'm not sure I understand this sentence, 'cold dead land'\\
Cameron('s) eyes followed the direction of Aedan’s arm.
I am not about to wage [a] war on a mere woman.”
For a moment(,) time stilled as he hugged her closer
He tastes so sweet. Her tongue found his, tangled with it, and sucked on it. She did all those naughty things she dreamt about doing but never did.
He gasped, then crushed Sophia's body close and deepened the kiss, his tongue opening her mouth further.//between these two paragraphs, I would introduce the Ian and Aedan. Because it's too long between the time he asks for the cloth and the time when someone clears his throat. Anyway, maybe it's just me, but during the sensuous scene, I keep wondering where the other two are and this ruins the effect for me. Just a suggestion, Nat.
All in all, a beautiful chapter. Although, I would make more or an intro for Sophia in this chapter than just having Cameron find her in the water.
Maybe, a paragraph at the beginning phazing from one world to this one... /readers are sophisticated and don't like to be talked town to, but as a reader, I also enjoy fiction Because I wish to be entertained; and I don't want to work so hard to do it. I'm a pretty lazy reader. So maybe it's just me. But I would start off the chapter with Sophia's fall and appehension once she's in the water.
I love this story, Nat. For sure it'll be published.
Joss
Hey Nat, Hope you're doing wellm wull try to revise as much as I can.
Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks. Athair's blood.//I'm not sure I understand this sentence, 'cold dead land'\\
Cameron('s) eyes followed the direction of Aedan’s arm.
I am not about to wage [a] war on a mere woman.”
For a moment(,) time stilled as he hugged her closer
He tastes so sweet. Her tongue found his, tangled with it, and sucked on it. She did all those naughty things she dreamt about doing but never did.
He gasped, then crushed Sophia's body close and deepened the kiss, his tongue opening her mouth further.//between these two paragraphs, I would introduce the Ian and Aedan. Because it's too long between the time he asks for the cloth and the time when someone clears his throat. Anyway, maybe it's just me, but during the sensuous scene, I keep wondering where the other two are and this ruins the effect for me. Just a suggestion, Nat.
All in all, a beautiful chapter. Although, I would make more or an intro for Sophia in this chapter than just having Cameron find her in the water.
Maybe, a paragraph at the beginning phazing from one world to this one... /readers are sophisticated and don't like to be talked town to, but as a reader, I also enjoy fiction Because I wish to be entertained; and I don't want to work so hard to do it. I'm a pretty lazy reader. So maybe it's just me. But I would start off the chapter with Sophia's fall and appehension once she's in the water.
I love this story, Nat. For sure it'll be published.
Joss
Hi Natalee,
I still love the way Cam and Sophia meet at the lake. This is a great read the second time around, and it's fun trying to find the changes.
Great Job!
Tina
Suggestions: (add) [delete]
* Three magnificent Arabians raced neck to neck(. S)weat glistened off their bodies while their black manes waved in the wind, reminding Cameron of dancing flames.
** They howled with laughter, a merry sound carried by the wind.
Maybe instead of 'They', start with 'The riders' to make it clear it isn't the horses who are laughing. :)
*** He gazed at the ground his horse trampled upon(. A)lthough the soil showed a healthy brown coloring with fertile grass, Cameron saw cold dead land with blood seeping through its cracks.
**** “Winter 1615,” Aedan said[,] as he sidled alongside his brother.
***** Cameron smiled wryly[,](.) “If only I were a little faster”
**** He didn’t have to turn around to know his brother and friend [were following] (followed) close behind him.
*** pack of hungry wolves,” Ian said(, h)is tone both amused and concerned.
** He put a hand on her forehead and nearly flinchted (flinched) at the shot of awareness that struck him.
* Through blurred vision(,) his facial features slowly appeared.
** Men that beautiful should be illigal (illegal), she thought.
*** taste like strawberries," he murmmered agaist (against) her lips.
MyGoodness!!! I mustn't forget this is romance! I'm not used to reading romance at all. but WOW! it's been awhile since I've read anything this steamy. Really Good!
I haven't much to say... I was going to say there was alot of loving and sexual tension but it's need for your story.
I do wonder why Sophia has gone sexmad.. and she was also looking at the other guys too. oh Hot!
but I would like to know how old Cameron is. He speaks about not being fast enough in the Winter of 1615 - but you have dated the chapter 1635, 20 years later. So i wasn't really sure what they were talking about in the section - I don't think it matters. I might have forgotten something or perhaps it will be clearer later. But I was wondering maybe Cameron is like in his 40s?
Loved your descriptions of Sophia and all that near lovemaking! well done.
Lou :D
Hi Natalee:
I really like your style, your imagination, your whole story. Right up my alley. Pace is great, you’re clipping right through. Not a boring moment.
Very natural for Sophia to think she’s having some sort of dream. But oh boy, is she in for a big surprise. At this point, I would take the book to the register to pay for it ;)
Nits:
companions a hares beat behind him
*** Not sure about hares beat? I’ve seen hair’s breadth, but not this. I looked it up and couldn’t find it. But what do I know? Idioms always get me. My Spanish gets in the way.
The others followed suit, [dismounted] and tied their horses to a nearby tree
*** I think you can remove. It is understood
Long chocolate colored lashes fanned her cheeks
*** I would avoid using the word “chocolate” from Cam’s POV. Europeans first knew chocolate AS A DRINK I think in the 16th century. Chocolate as we know it know – in a bar, with that rich brown color - didn’t become popular and accessible until much later.
Loved the playfulness between the men. Fav: A small laugh escaped her lips. "Only until I wake up and then you’ll disappear." Her eyes lowered to her nakedness and she gasped. “I’m naked!” She laughed again. “Now I know I am dreaming.” Her hands roamed over his bare, muscular chest, marveling at the strenght she felt beneath her fingertips. “Are you naked as well?”
Elaine
rie mcgaha