After a night of turbulent sleep, Cameron left Kirrah’s cottage and made his way back to his keep. Uncertainty loomed within him, causing him to doubt his own sanity. Last night had to be the fault of a very active imagination, and his mother's prized mead, which was made of two thirds liquor.
Being the realist that he was, it was hard for his mind to define last night’s event as anything other than a dream within a dream.
“Hallo,” said Tammy, the six-year-old butcher’s daughter.
Cameron pushed his dream aside. He had real problems to deal with and he did not want to waste time pondering upon a fictitious ghost, no matter how troubled she sounded or how much his heart ached to grant her peace.
He got onto bended knee and playfully pinched Tammy’s cheek. “And what is my wee lady doing this morn?”
She giggled, hugging a torn dolly close. “I would like to go for a ride on Lucifer, milord.” Her cheeks dimpled as her blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight.
Cameron brushed a strand of brown hair out of her face. “How can I refuse a pretty lady such a simple request?”
She jumped into his arms and embraced him. He hugged the tiny girl back. She was a sweet lass. He had thought so the first time he met her a year ago, with eyes full of tears. Her favorite and only dolly had been taken away by her older brothers, who held the toy hostage and taunted their sister mercilessly. Cameron did what any loyal warrior would do and rescued Dolly from the evil clutches of her brothers. Since then he had been her hero. And honestly, it humbled him and made him want to prove himself worthy of her adoration.
“Tammy!” her mother screamed. “Dinna plague the laird. He is a busy man!”
The girl immediately released him. “But he is my friend, Mam.”
The older, portly woman pulled her daughter close. “I beg yer pardon, milord. Tammy here can be a bit forward. She dinna understand the ways of the nobility. ‘Tis my fault. I will teach her.”
Cameron stood. “There is no need for apologies. Tammy is correct, I am her friend.” He winked at Tammy.
Tammy brightened. “See, Mam. He is my friend and so is Lucifer. He likes it when I feed him apples. Eats them right out of my palms.”
She inhaled sharply. “That great beast of a war horse? I forbid it! The horse is meant to defend his master in battle, can kill a man with his mighty hooves. Don’t be daft and stay away from his lordship’s horse. He is not a pet!”
Tammy’s eyes teared. “He wilna hurt me, Mam.” She hugged her dolly tight. “He likes me, his lordship told me so. And he does not lie.”
“Of course his lordship does not lie,” the mother appeased.
Cameron felt the need to defend his horse. “Lucifer may appear beastly, but when it comes to the wee lass, he is tame as a kitten. I do understand your concern. I will make sure that she is supervised on her visits to my stables.”
The butcher’s wife nodded, though she looked uncertain. “Aye, milord. Come, Tammy, I need help with the cooking.”
Tammy groaned. “But that is what Ida is there for.” Her lower lip stuck out in a pout.
“Yer sister is helping as well. ‘Tis time you start learning, if ye wanna make a good wife.”
Tammy looked at Cameron. “Do ye like cooked meals?”
He bit back a grin. “Aye, I do.”
She nodded, slipped a hand through her mother’s. “Vera well.” She turned to Cameron again. “What do ye like best?”
“Apple butter and cinnamon tarts.”
Tammy nodded again. “Come, Mam. I want to learn how to make apple butter and tarts.”
Her mother blushed and stammered words of apologies.
Putting his palm up, he laughed. “Aye, Tammy, you know you are my number one lassie. Now if you really want to please me, you will learn how to make plum cake and roasted ham with cherry gravy.”
Tammy smiled, displaying two missing front teeth. “I will go with Mam now. She will teach me and then you will eat.”
Her mother was mortified. “Tammy! Ye wilna talk to his lordship like that. I should give ye a sound padding!”
“’Twould be my pleasure to try anything you prepared for me,” Cameron said to Tammy. “And then I will take you for a ride, but first you must ask your mam, lassie.”
“Aye, I will.” She bobbed an awkward curtsy, then pulled her mother along, eager to learn her new duties. “Will ye teach me how to make cherry gravy, Mam?”
The woman flashed Cameron a hesitant glance. “Aye, lambkin, I’ll teach ye.”
Cameron merely smiled and walked on. He entered the Main Hall in the castle to the sight of his mother, Isolode, and his brother, Aedan, deep in conversation as they ate breakfast.
His mother’s long, silky black hair brushed past her right shoulder as she leaned towards Aedan. "Aye, son, we should do well, remembering last year's shearing. We made a profit then, and should this time, too." She smiled at Aedan, her dark blue eyes lit with pleasure, and Cameron thought their mother looked far younger than the five and forty winters she had seen.
They sat at the grand table made to seat a hundred and four, with a massive antler chandelier hanging above, lit by a hundred wax candles. Colorful tapestry hung from the walls, along with armored plaques. The family crest, a pair of wolves howling at the sky above, rested over the marble fireplace. Dark lavender curtains were pulled back to either side of the enormous window, allowing the warm sunlight to seep through, and exotic carpets his ancestors brought from their travels from the orient covered the cold stone floors.
The Main Hall had always been his favorite chamber. He felt like a king seated in his throne-like chair. The armrests were carved into small wolf heads, mouths agape, while the back of the chair sported a leafed arch. The middle featured a strange design of crescent moons and stars swirling around a unicorn. It was a pretty piece and had been in his family for generations, rumored to be crafted by a blacksmith who obviously knew something about woodwork as well.
“Cam,” Aedan said with a faint smile on his lips. “To think I wondered why you spared Kirrah the punishment of theft when we caught the lass stealing two heads of our cattle.”
“I punish her plenty,” he said with a wink, causing Aedan to throw his head back and laugh.
At four and twenty, Aedan was the middle child. Their sister Eleanor, who recently married an English Earl despite her brothers' objections, especially his, was the youngest at the age of twenty.
"Mayhap I should offer her my services. Some say I am the more handsome Kincaid." Aedan smirked.
"Only the blind and the simple minded." Cameron's gaze moved over his brother, taking in their similarities. He had always thought that they inherited their good looks from their late father, with their aquatic blue eyes and onyx colored hair, except Aedan’s hair curled, while his was straight. Both had the same build, yet he stood a few inches taller. "It's that horrid nose of yours. Crooked like a broken arrow." Cameron pursed his lips.
Aedan laughed. "The lassies claim it makes me more appealing." It was true. Aedan did not lack in female companionship.
“Cameron, ’tis good to see you this morn,” his mother said as she gave him a radiant smile—a smile filled with the love only a mother possessed for her child.
Taking his seat at the head of the table, he leaned over and gave his mother a brief kiss on the cheek.
“’Tis good to see you too, Mathair.” He helped himself to ham, eggs, cinnamon-sugared pears and warm bread. “Anna makes the best pears.”
“Indeed she does.” Isolode nodded. “We are blessed to still have her in service. I am surprised you two did not run her off with your childhood follies,” his mother scolded.
Cameron’s gaze met Aedan’s, who likewise was trying to suppress a smile. When they were young, they had played numerous tricks on poor old Anna, though she was not quite so old then. Once they had put a live pig in the kitchen. It made quite a mess and nearly destroyed the entire scullery as Anna ran after it, trying to capture it.
He remembered their backsides hurting for a week after their father’s thrashing. But that didn’t stop them from putting a bucket of water over the kitchen door so when Anna pushed it open, it landed on her head and drenched her all the way down to her toes. At the time it seemed quite humorous.
‘Little Devils’ their cook had called them then, until the day they put a dead rat in the flour jug. She then refused to even acknowledge their existence. Anna had served them oats for breakfast and threatened to make them a stew out of the dead rat while presenting them with a mutinous smile. They hated oats and worse, they did not relish the thought of rat stew. Wisely, they had decided that they were too old for foolishness.
“I put Ian in charge of training the men this morn,” Aedan said as he finished the last piece of ham on his plate.
“After you, there is no one I trust more than Ian,” Cameron approved.
Ian Fitzgerald was like a brother to him. The three boys had been close since early childhood. Even in their youth, they possessed startling good looks and made wagers on which one of them the milkmaids preferred. Cameron usually was more favored. The other two shrugged it off and claimed the lassies favored him merely because he was the laird.
“I shall join the men on the field.” Aedan wiped his mouth on a piece of cloth and tossed it on the table. “I’ll see you shortly, brother?”
Cameron gazed up from his breakfast long enough to present his brother with a brief nod. The moment the latch on the door clicked shut, signaling the departure of Aedan, his mother turned to him, pursing her lips.
“Cameron, I need to have a word with you.”
“Mathair?” he politely inquired, eyes never leaving his plate.
Isolode cleared her throat in emphasis and when he finally looked up, she made a great show of placing her fork on the table.
Cameron sighed and placed his fork down while giving the last slice of ham a longing look.
“I had a most unusual vision last eve. I am trying to make sense of it all, but haven’t been able to thus far.”
Strange vision? For this he stopped eating? He was tempted to pick up the fork again but the narrowing of his mother's eyes stopped him. What was it with his family and dreams and visions? His mother believed she was blessed with ‘the sight’, claiming to be able to see the future and other such nonsense. Though, she did foresee correctly rather frequently. But then again ‘predicting’ the gender of a bairn was quite simple. Either it was a lass or lad, not like it could be a pig or something else.
“I saw a woman surrounded by flames, and you pulling her to safety.”
He raised his brows. “Mathair, I hope this isn’t one of your attempts to marry me off again. The last lass you presented from the Sinclair clan was half toothless.”
“She was bonny enough when she did not smile.” Isolode chuckled, then sobered. “Nay, son. ’Twas strange—I cannot explain. You called for her…..her name does not come to me easily or perhaps I cannot pronounce it, for it is foreign. ‘Tis like I can hear it in my mind but my tongue cannot form the words.” She shook her head. “My sight warns me that you need her.”
Called for her? Cameron shuddered. “And you saw all this in your dream?” His voice was drenched in sarcasm.
She crossed her arms. “Nay, ’twas a feeling.”
“Tis difficult for me to comprehend why I would need this woman. A man has no need of a woman other than to warm his bed and bear his children.”
He was sick of dreams and visions, sick of the angel tormenting him, sick of her voice. You called for her, his mother had said. Was it his lass his mother spoke of? He was tempted to ask her what this woman looked like, but refused to feed into his delusions. Just thinking about it made his stomach turn.
“I know you do not mean those words. I was much more to your athair than a warm body to beget children on. I know Melody caused you pain, but she had always been beneath you,” she said sadly.
"So beneath me that she married an earl." A pained look passed his face. “I do not wish to speak of her.” He let out a long breath. “Athair was lucky to have you. You, Mathair, are a woman a man can be proud of, a woman worth loving.”
“Of course he was,” Isolode said, “and he damn well knew it.”
“I see your language has not improved with old age,” he teased and laughed when she sputtered. “I really must tend to my men. I have tarried long enough.”
“Very well, love, go on.” She waved her hand dismissively, deep in thought.
“As always, Mathair, you are a joy.” Cameron shook his head as he left the main hall, wondering if his dream and his mother’s vision were just a mere coincidence.
Perhaps it was merely his mother’s choice of words linking the two. ‘Called for her.’ Cameron snorted. Leave it to his mother to choose words to bring forth demons he was desperately trying to vanquish.
As Cameron neared the fields, his men were hard at training, with Ian and Aedan in command. He had picked a section of barren land for field training. His property was vast, twenty miles wide, occupied by over twenty thousand clansmen, one of the largest in the highlands.
War would come as it always did. The strong would survive, while the weak would perish. It was his duty as laird to ensure the survival of his clan as his father and grandfather had before him. Cameron exercised his warriors mercilessly for hours till near exhaustion. From the moment a lad could wield a sword, he was ordered to the training field. One on one, the lads paired up, given wooden sword to fight, and if one cried or showed signs of fear, he was pushed the hardest until his own blood no longer scared him but fueled his determination for victory. Yet not every boy was cut out to be a warrior. The weak were quickly weeded out and sent to farm or to another less lethal task. He could not tolerate weakness in his soldiers, for weakness would only lead to death and defeat.
Kincaid was a clan to be reckoned with. Even King Charles would rather call the Kincaid clan a friend than an enemy. Not only did they sprout fearless warriors in alarmingly large numbers, but they were backed by the Earl of Dunnard, his uncle, known as the Red Lion of Dunnard, a man whose banners alone frightened the King of England.
If the Red Lion raised his banner for war, there were very few Scotsmen who would not follow him loyally into battle, making Dunnard a dangerous opponent, a man with the power to unite all of Scotland. Unity was what the king feared most. He could easily force his rule on a divided nation, but if Scotland stood as one, she would become a force like no other, driven by her thirst for freedom.
However, it was not the English who plagued him the most—they stayed in the lowlands and left his lot in the highlands for the most part in peace—but another Scottish highland clan, the Montgomerys. Theirs was a feud fought for hundreds of years, although no one could quite remember what had caused the hatred between the two clans.
“Good morn, laird,” his men greeted.
The men were divided into two groups; Aedan’s group practiced the art of sword fighting. Ian’s group practiced archery. Cameron paused before the archers and watched as sets of two dozen men simultaneously pulled back their arrows, aimed it at the bull’s-eye, then released their hold. With a repetitive thud, each arrow pierced its bull's-eye. He had damn fine marksmen, he noted. When the first unit finished, the next group moved up, taking the former group’s position and repeated the motion. Again each man hit the mark dead on.
“’Tis a miracle you aren’t exhausted from your morning exercise, Cam.” Ian slapped his friend on the back.
“You’re merely envious because you haven’t had a warm-up in days.”
Ian burst out in laughter. “I do not brag about my conquests.”
In truth, there was little the three did not know about one another. If one of them did bed a wench, there was a story to be told the next day.
Cameron took over Aedan’s group, instructing them on different fighting techniques. Pairing up with his brother, he began his own exercise and continued their training for another few hours before dismissing the men. The group broke for luncheon, leaving only the three friends.
“A quick swim in Lake Bruan would be welcomed,” Aedan suggested as he wiped sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand.
“Aye, aye,” came two quick replies.
They jogged back to the village, stopped at the well for a quick drink of water, then made their way to the stables.
“I watered the horses, my lord,” the eleven-year-old stable boy said.
“Good lad, Jamie. Ready our horses.”
“Aye, at once, my lord.” The boy hurried off.
A few minutes later, Jamie brought back three black Arabian horses that Cameron purchased on his last trip to Edinburgh two years back. They were magnificent beasts with sinister appearances. It did not help that Cameron named them Devil, Satan, and Lucifer.
He had gifted his brother and his best friend with two steeds, saving the best horse for himself. He saw more spirit in Lucifer, a warrior horse with a spirit to match, perfectly suitable for a warrior laird. There was something to be said about a man riding into battle with a horse named Lucifer accompanied by ones named Satan and Devil.
Though he did not suit his horse in battle armor—he’s Scottish, after all, and armor would slow the horse and produce far too much noise, not something he relished, yet he had a special chamfron made. It covered the front of the horse's head in entirety and was plated in silver. Horns pointed out above each eye-hole and spiked studs framed the face plate. Of course Ian and Aedan felt their horses needed chamfrons as well, though theirs did not have the spiked studs.
If Cameron possessed an ounce of vanity it came from the possession of his steed. He’d seen many lassies fawn and sigh over him by the mere sight of him riding Lucifer. He smiled as he swung his leg over and reared his horse forth. Devil and Satan’s hoof beats sounded close behind him.
***
Six miles north of the Kincaid stronghold at the small McGillis village, four sinister-looking characters met in secret. Three men in red and green Montgomery colors, and another rider whose identity was well hidden behind a long black hooded cloak..........
“He’s training his men,” the hooded figure said.
“Wasted effort. His future, by my hand, has been written, and death he cannot escape,” Lachlan Montgomery said from on top of his horse. “Our plan has worked thus far. Do not disappoint me, cousin.”
“I do not understand why I cannot poison him and have it done with, Lachlan.”
“I will not grant him an easy death,” Lachlan sneered. “When I have him, I will take my time ripping him limb from limb. He shall pay for his crimes, as well as those of his father and his grandfather.”
The laird’s right hand man spoke up. “We Montgomerys have long memories,” James said. “An insult paid to our ancestors is an insult paid to us, do not forget that, young Montgomery.”
The bushes rustled, shaking slightly. The riders stilled, withdrew their claymores and pointed them towards the bushes.
“Withdraw yer swords, ye fools! ’Tis only I, Ulla,” the old crone, Ulla McGillis, said. She hobbled towards them, using her cane as support.
“Ah…Ulla. To what do we owe the pleasure?” Lachlan slowly put his sword back into its sheath.
Ulla McGillis was looked upon as a kind of witch. If one were with child, she could prepare a brew which would cause a miscarriage. She concocted all sorts of different poisons and occasionally she had the gift of ‘sight’—for a price, of course. She didn’t care if people used her skills for good or evil, as long as they paid her in coin.
Ulla looked up at Lachlan, rubbing her thumb and index finger together.
He reached for his money pouch connected to his belt, pulled out a copper coin and tossed it down.
“It better be worth it, witch.”
Ulla grabbed the coin and bit into it with her rotten teeth. Satisfied by its authenticity, she then placed it in a pouch she had hidden between her sagging breasts.
“Aye, laird, I have news for ye. 'Twill not be as easy as ye think,” Ulla said with her half-toothless smile. “Beware of the lass who follows the Kincaid and the great beast protecting her.”
Ulla turned to leave but her path was blocked by James’ steed.
“Do not talk riddles to us, woman!” James shouted. “Do you think we are fools?”
Ulla gave the man a strange look, eyes glittering amusement. “Aye, I think ye to be fools.”
James reached for his sword but Lachlan’s hand across his chest interrupted him.
Ulla let out a wicked laugh. “Listen lads, I only come to warn ye—and for my trinket, of course.”
She then turned and pointed her cane at the Montgomery laird. “I value yer coin, so listen well, Lachlan Montgomery. If she comes, ye will lose. ‘Twill be at her hand ye'll perish if ye dinna kill her first! I sense unearthly forces surrounding the lass.”
Lachlan’s nostrils flared. “Who is this woman?”
Ulla shrugged her boney shoulder. “I dinna know,” she said as she turned around and started back to her cottage. “If ye have need of me, ye know where to find me.”
“You think the witch speaks the truth, Lachlan?” William, another one of his favorites, asked.
“The old witch is never wrong. If she says beware, then cautious we shall be,” Lachlan answered, annoyed at the new obstacle standing between him and his revenge. He turned to the hooded figure. “If a woman comes to the Kincaids, you will let me know.”
“Do not fret. If she comes, I’ll make sure she lives long enough to regret it,” the rider promised and rode away.
A dark look passed over Lachlan's face as his lips curving into a snarl. “I shall have my revenge and no whore of a woman shall deprive me of it.”
© Copyright 2025 Natalia Vermont. All rights reserved.
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Hello Natalee,
This is a very nice chapter giving us information about the conflict about to occur. Now, I'm not sure if the woman mentioned here and Cam's dream are connected, but I imagine they are somehow.
You describe things very well. I had a clear view of the setting and characters.
If I had one suggestion, I would recommend you read through and remove some of the "thats" you have. I didn't list them, because once you start dealing with an editor from Harlequin, they will catch them for you.
I'm enjoying your story, Natalee.
~Ann
Was this boring to read?
No, the story runs smoothly and leads skilfully towards the climax which will be the battle between the two clans.
The writing is adapted well to the theme and that makes the entire piece credible and convincing.
The characterisation of the laird - Cameron - and of the members of the clans is also well done. They match the models of those we have in memory from the history of the time and place.
There are a few nits:
"glazed" should I think be "gazed."
"sputtered" probably should be "spluttered."
"stead" at one point should be "steed."
"frightened the crown off" is a bit of a puzzle and could be perhaps "frightened the crown of".
There are others but they can easily be fixed.
Altogether a good chapter.
Congratulations.
james129067
Hi Natalee! So good to be back with this novel!
This chapter does a lot of weaving different stories together and Sophia is at the heart of it - she is the woman in Isolde's dream, as well as being the one who Lachlan is warned about at the end. Nicely done - this builds anticipation for her arrival.
Cameron doesn't seem too hardened here to me, still very much himself. When he is around Aedan and Ian, he seems carefree. I like the close relationship between the three men.
Your description is good, and probably necessary, given that this story has a lot of history, but I might be tempted to cut back a little. Not sure about the description of the chair, for instance, and the note about the carpet could easily just be "exotic rugs from the orient covered the floor." (?)
The main hallway had [has] always been his favorite room.
Loved your descriptions of your characters - always good to know what people look like!
Good back story on the feud as well - you fit that in very neatly.
Hurry and do more! :) Cathy
Hi Natalee,
Nice changes, and I'm still loving the storyline. :) I'm eager for the next chapter and Sophia's intro.
For more of a hooky punch, maybe you could move the 'Do not fret' paragraph to the end?
Great Job!
Tina
Suggestions: (add) [delete]
* They sat at the grand table made to seat [fifty-two at either side and one at each end] (fifty-four) with a massive antler chandelier hanging above, lit by a hundred wax candles. Colorful tapestry hung from the walls, along with armored plaques and the family crest[s], a pair of wolves howling at the sky above, hung above the marble fireplace.
** The [handles] (armrests) were carved into small wolf heads, (their)mouth agape(,) while the back of the chair sported a leafed arch.
*** Their sister Eleanor, who recently married an English Earl[,] despite her brothers objections, especially his, was the youngest at the age of twenty.
**** You called for her…..her name does not come to me easily or perhaps I cannot pronounce it [for] (because) it is foreign.
***** It was his duty as laird to ensure the survival of his clan as his father and grandfather (had) before him.
**** Cameron paused before the archers and watched as sets of two dozen men simultaneously pull (pulled) back their arrows, aimed it at the bull’s-eye, then released their hold. With a repetitive thud, each arrow pierced its bull(')s eye. He had damn fine marksmen, he noted. When the first unit finished, the next group would move up, taking the former group’s position and repeated (repeating) the motion.
*** Though he did not suit his horse in battle armor—he’s Scottish(,) after all(,) and armor would slow the horse and produce far too much noise[—](,)not something he relished—[yet] he had a special chamfron made. It covered the front of the horse(')s head in entirety and was plated in silver. Horns pointed out above each eye-hole[s] and spiked studs framed the face plate.
That headpiece must make the horse look like a total badass!
** Devil's and Satan’s hoof beats sounding (sounded) close behind him.
It might ought to be 'Devil and Satan's hoof beats', but I'm not sure.
* “Withdraw yer swords, ye fools! ’Tis only I, Ulla,” [the old crone, Ulla McGillis said, as she hobbled towards them, using her cane as support] (said the old crone, Ulla McGillis. She hobbled toward them, using her cane as support).
nat:
Well it gets more interesting. The witch is a good touch. The Montgomery's are nice and evil. I wonder about the guy in the hood. I like Cameron and his family. All the characters are clear, I have no trouble distinguishing. I think Cameron would have been more, albeit secretly, interested in his mother's vision after what happened in chapter 1. He may not want to encourage mom in her visions, but wouldn't he really be very, very interested based on his own experience. Seems like he takes it too lightly , to me.
Great work
interesting story...
Suggestions:
I'd say -- hung over, not above, just used above a few words earlier...
from the walls, along with armored plaques and the family crest, a pair of wolves howling at the sky above, hung above the marble fireplace.
Maybe use 'skullery' and replace one of the 'kitchens'?
Once they had put a live pig in the kitchen. It made quite a mess and nearly destroyed the entire kitchen as Anna ran after it, trying to capture it.
Ay,you bonny lass, I'm loving this one!!! Your language and punctuation
are so well done I could hear the characters. You introduced
them at the grand table with rhythm, and I could see people come in and mingle. You have this genre down.
Loved those wolfs in the hall--good description.
Only typo:[politly](politely)
See, I don't know anything--I'm just a one woman review. If Harloquin wants a dream on page 1, then who am I to question. That's what I love about these feeback boxes: Take what feels rights, heave the rest. Push the delete button on my chapter 1 review, I was wrong about everything!
Of course, you made me smile with "there's an intelligent woman behind a strong man."
You mentioned making Cameron more harsh. I like him. Keep up the excellent prose. T Cat
Well, the chapter is not at all boring, but does have a lot to absorb. Lots of characters too, but I always have many characters in my work as well and they are all talking at once most of the time. LOL. Never a problem for me. I loved the ending with the Montgomery clan, and it generated another great hook. The witch is an excellent addition -we know who she is warning them about. And Isolode's dream just adds to the mystery of the lass (Sophia, right?) that keeps haunting Cam.
I love your style and tone. Very well written. Only have a couple of suggestions:(add) [delete]***comments
Colorful tapestry hung from the walls, along with armored plaques and the family crest[,](.) [a](A) pair of wolves howling at the sky above, hung over the marble fireplace.
It was a pretty piece and had been in his family for generation(s), rumored to be crafted by a blacksmith who obviously knew something about woodwork as well.
“I really must tend to my men. I('ve or I have) tarried long enough.”
When the first unit finished, the next group [would] move(d) up, taking the former group’s position and repeated the motion. Again each man hit the mark dead on.
That's all I can find, use them as you will. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Susan
Well, I think you have it all going on here...mystery, romance, magic (sort of), impending war. How can that be boring. Other reviewers have suggesteda few changes. I would just make this one.
equally lovely duplicate of their mother
Duplicate is something that comes off a xerox machine. I don't think of such terms in relation to a person. That's just me, but I would keep more human sorts of terms in mind when describing people. You might say "image of their mother" or "she was like their mother's twin."
Nice chapter! Very fun story.
Hey Natalee, Loving this chapter too.
I already hate those Montgomery's.
Just a few suggestions below.
The main hall has/had always been his favorite room.
War would come as it always has/had.
Aedan’s group, [paired in twos,] practiced //would you have paired in threes, or in fours? I'm not certain that paired in twos is not redundant. Sounds like it. Might just be me though. but since they're practicing archery, I think you can leave out altogether.
This will make a fine story. hope you publish the rest of it.
Cheers,
Joss Landry
Natalee,
Good follow up on your first chapter. You give the reader some background information on the people in the story and then progress to what the Montgomery's have up their sleeve.
~~After a night of uneventful sleep, Cameron left his mistress’s dwellings and made his way through the village back to his castle. (I’m wondering if after that episode with the woman being sucked up the chimney, if it wouldn’t be better to have him suffer a restless night after that)
~~Colorful tapestry hung from the walls, along with armored plaques and the family crest, a pair of wolves howling at the sky above, hung over the marble fireplace. (think you might want to juggle this or break into two sentences)
~~The main hall has (had) always been his favorite room.
~~ Their sister Eleanor, who recently married an English Earl despite her brothers(’) objections, especially his, was the youngest at the age of twenty.
~~“Mathair?” he polity (politely) inquired, eyes never leaving his plate.
~~He was tempted to ask[ed] her what this woman looked like, but refused to feed into his delusions.
~~ “You think the witch speaks the truth, Lachlan?” William asked, another one of his favorites. (How about ‘William, another of his favourites, asked, “You think…”
~~A dark look passed over Lachlan's face, lips curving into a snarl. (I know what you’re saying, but the way this is worded, it sounds as if the dark look’s lip curled into a snarl. How about…A dark look passed over Lachlan’s face and his lips curved into a snarl or Rage/Anger passed over Lachlan’s face curving his lips into a smile.)
Hi Natalee
I think you have done an excellent job with rewrites. There is nothing nitty at all I could find. Only a couple of things I would suggest
I love the story you are building here. So you say the heroine is to come - does that mean Cam is not the MC? just curious
I was intially confused about who was the eldest. you don't actually say how many siblings there are and I had to work it out. I assume there are only 3? To cut on descriptions
Cameron entered the main hall in the castle to the sight of his mother and (younger) brother --- then I shall know he is the younger and not just the middle child. Eleanor is the youngest child.
but anyway, it's not too important. I was not sure if there is a father still around...? it is not mentioned that he is deceased. But perhaps that is in a previous story so that's ok.
Some small things!
---Six miles north of the Kincaid stronghold at the small McGillis village, four [sinister-looking characters] {men} met in secret,
or (This is brief you could add extra descriptions, but mainly taking out the sinister. the word is more telling than showing)
----Six miles north of the Kincaid stronghold at the small McGillis village, three men in the Montgomery colors of red and green, waited in secret.
A man, his identity hidden behind a long black hooded cloak, rode up to them. He said, "He’s training his men.”
Taking out your dialogue tags
----“Withdraw yer swords, ye fools! ’Tis only I, Ulla.” [The old crone, Ulla McGillis,] hobbled towards them, using her cane as support.
I just noticed you use the word turned at least five times in that last section. perhaps;
---Ulla let out a wicked laugh. “Listen lads, I only come to warn ye—and for my trinket, of course.” She pointed her cane at the Montgomery laird. "(dialogue)
----“I dinna know.” She turned(spun) around and started back to her cottage.
----He [looked] to the hooded figure. “If a woman comes to the Kincaids, you will let me know.”
but aside from all that it's a great premise for a story. I love your language. It's fits in with the period. I like how you are talking about Charles! I have the sense you know your history. I think that's important. Those horse names are cool, but I do wonder how they be accepted by people in those days. Weren't people quite religious -- burning people for being sacriligious that sort of thing?! not that I'm making a point of it, but I did wonder what people think of this Laird of the Land who has named his horses after Hell.
Really great work! I look forward to meeting this woman and seeing how she fits in with it. The mum was good too. And the sister married someone the boys didn't want her to marry!! She must really love him?
Lou :D
Good morning Natalee
Good opening line. I like clarity concerning “following” the characters: After a night of uneventful sleep, Cameron left his mistress’s dwellings and made his way through the village back to his castle.
And he has a job to do! Like this. “ Reluctantly, he pushed his thoughts aside. It was past dawn and the main objective he had this morn was training his men.”
Wonderful imagery in the next few paragraphs. Who! A castle. But to be truthful, I don’t want to live there. Likely rats and other slithery things hanging about.
Excellent and thorough descriptions of the family members.
I suspect that every little boy in every generation from the beginning of time, have enjoyed teasing and playing pranks: “Once they had put a live pig in the kitchen. It made quite a mess and nearly destroyed the entire scullery…”
Yeah! Capital punishment. Too bad its been abolished: “He remembered their backsides hurting for a week after their father’s thrashing. But that didn’t stop them from putting a bucket of water over the kitchen door so when Anna pushed it open, it landed on her head and drenched her all the way down to her toes. At the time it seemed quite humorous.” LOVE IT. IT IS HILARIOUS. But good for Anna, she filly called their number.
Looking forward to seeing what kind of “work” is happening in the field
Aha! “I had a most unusual vision last eve. I am trying to make sense of it all, but haven’t been able to thus far.”
Well for sure there is a background of high intrigue causing their visions. “What was it with his family and dreams and visions?”
Listen to your mother: “My sight warns me that you need her.”
Oh! Clansmen training: “It was his duty as laird to ensure the survival of his clan as his father and grandfather had before him. Cameron
exercised his warriors mercilessly for hours till near exhaustion.”
I believe you are setting us up for a battle, Natalee.
In the old, old, old days, they certainly were believers in “messages,” riddles and folk lore, weren’t they. Good story.
Ulla sounds like an excellent witch figure. Will they burn her at the stake later?
She has a thought or two about the woman in the ‘dream.’ “… pointed her cane at the Montgomery laird. “I value yer coin, so listen well, Lachlan Montgomery. If she comes, ye will lose. ‘Twill be at her hand ye'll perish if ye dinna kill her first! I sense unearthly forces surrounding the lass.”
Yes, listen to the old bitch (I mean witch)
I continue to love this novel Natalee, I just hope I can follow the plot well enough to make my reviews worthwhile. NOt to say there is anything wrong with your plot--it's just in deeper waters than I usually trend, but I shall persevere.
By the way, while I'm thinking on it, I am so pleased to have you come on board with Gladys at this stage (when many have read it) because you have fresh ideas for changes.
Is your novel boring??? Definitely not. In the next chapter I will try to point out areas that might confuse a reader such as myself(in any small way).
Hugs Irene
Hey Nat,
I think reducing Kirrah's importance was a really good move. If I remember correctly we knew enough about her in the first go around to have some sense of sympathy for her. Don't know if she'll earn it in this version, but I'm glad that she doesn't have it already.
Nice work.
Madison
**After a night of uneventful sleep, Cameron left his mistress’s dwellings
He had the vision last night, so I wouldn't call his sleep uneventful. I'd call it turbulent.
**The armrests were carved into small wolf heads, their mouth agape,
Singular/plural: 'their mouth' mixes the two. How about 'mouths agape?'
**War would come as it always has.
Word choice: I don't know if it's wrong, but 'as it always has' sounds off. How about 'as it always did.'
**“’Tis a miracle you aren’t exhausted from your morning exercise, Cam.” Ian slapped his friend on the back, referring to his pastime with Kirrah.
Given the vivid opening chapter, and the way men tend to joke, I think you could lose the last phrase 'referring to his pastime with Kirrah.' The reader already has Kirrah's cottage fresh in mind, so pointing it out again is unnecessary.
**training for another few hours before dismissing the men. The men headed back to their home for luncheon,
Repetition: You use the phrase 'the men' back to back here. How about changing the second sentence to, " The group broke for luncheon, leaving only the three friends.
**Ulla looked up at Lachlan, rubbing her thumb and pointing fingers together.
Word choice: rubbing her thumb and 'index finger' together.
This has failed twice. My last attempt to review.
You wanted individual notes for each chapter.
Here they are:
You say uneventful sleep but really was it uneventful? No. He might have slept afterward but it was not uneventful.
Its a bit of info dump on the family. Do you need to tell me about them all and describe them all at once. I suppose you do to give background but I found my self skimming those paragraphs. I feel the writer at work.
Really? "I punish her plenty"? How big of a prick is he? He's gloating and has no respect at all for his mistress. Not loving the woman is one thing, treating her like a hole in the mattress is something else. I think replies like that just make him icky to me. It's not funny at all to me but rather frat boy creepy. Is he fourteen?
If he said something less gross such as winked and said "She's worth a cow or two" or something. That would be less disgusting.
Please don't be a novel where every woman is lovely. Kirrah is stunning, the mother looks fifteen years younger, the sister looks like the mother, the main girl is golden and beautiful.
Are their no so-so looking people? Beauty without flaws is boring and not easy to believe.
Ulla has sagging breast at least. But she's a witch. Aren't all witches either seen as super ugly or beautiful? I mean...why can't a witch be plain?
No comma between future and my hand.
Jeez, do they talk about anything together but sex with Kirrah? Feels forced if both guys bring her up. I think once but not twice one chapter. Do a different joke. Maybe the other guy has a maid flirting with him who is less than perfect. And they encourage him to go for it because of his lack of exercise.
And he could say at least he doesn't glut himself like Cameron. That way you put in a sex joke but don't mention Kirrah by name again in the same chapter.
If you do Kirrah, the traitor, Kirrah in the same chapter then it because linked in the reader's head.
You say he has no vanity except for his horse but he does not come off that way. He comes off as an arrogant self-involved bore.
Nat:
This wasn't boring, and in fact do soften up our man Cameron. I'm happy to see that. Knowing he has a soft side will prepare him for his future encounter.
Have a few items for consideration:
1. Being the realist that he was, it was hard for his mind to [compute] define last night’s event as anything other than a dream within a dream.
[compute is too modern a term]
2. The reference to 'teddy' - not sure what it means, but our understanding is like a teddy bear, which wasn't a term until just after 1912. You might use 'dolly' or something similar. Unless, of course, Teddy is a name, and you might want to re-word to accommodate that.
She jumped into his arms and embraced him. He hugged the tiny girl back, thinking her such a darling. (italics) But, those big eyes were filled with tears, he recalled, as her brothers had taken her favorite teddy and held the toy hostage.
3. Cameron stood. “There is no need for apologies. Tammy is correct, I am her friend.” He winked at Tammy.
4. She inhaled sharply. “That great beast of a war horse? I forbid it! The horse is meant to defend his master in battle, can kill a man with his mighty hooves. Don’t be daft. Stay away from his lordship’s horse. He is not a pet!” [There was concern in her voice.] This last bit isn't necessary.
5. Cameron felt the need to defend his horse. “Lucifer may appear beastly, but when it comes to the wee lass he is tame as a kitten. I do understand your concern and will make sure she is supervised on her visits to my stables.”
6. She bobbed an awkward (curtsy),
7. You might break this paragraph up into pieces.
Cameron merely smiled and walked on. He entered the Main Hall in the castle to the sight of his mother, Isolode, and his brother, Aedan, deep in conversation as they ate breakfast.
He admired his mother's long, silky, black hair as it brushed her right shoulder as she leaned toward Aedan.
"Aye, son, we should do well, rememberin' last year's shearing. We made a profit then, and should this time, too." Her dark blue eyes lit with pleasure, and smiled at her sons.
(italics) She looks far younger than the five and forty winters I know she has, Cameron told himself.
A mention here that Isolode's hair would not have been unbound. It would have at least been braided, if not covered, since she's indoors.
8. The description of the Main Hall sounds too much like 'tell'. Cameron's looking at his favorite room, so a little direct thought might be useful here, how he loves the tapestries. Let his hands run over the chair back, tracing the designs. As to the table size - I think you go into that later. Just say it's very long and can seat many, but without the number.
9. The same problem with 'tell' goes toward the family descriptions, to include the sister. The information could come from Cam's mind, or in conversation. Let snippets of his displeasure at her marriage tell us about that. The similarities in their appearance could come out in jest about Aeden's nose being crooked.
10. If possible, reduce the description of the tricks played on Anna - perhaps a mention of her softened attitude somewhat, or even have Anna poke her nose out to give them a half-jesting smile at her two devils.
11. He was sick of dreams and visions, sick of the angel tormenting him, sick of her voice. You called for her, his mother had said. Was it (italics) his lass she spoke of?
12. There's a pile of tell regarding the history of the clan feud. This is good information, so there might be another way to impart that without so much tell. Perhaps romance novels permit more leeway. Hope so. Otherwise, you've a pile of rewriting to do!
13. [four sinister-looking characters? According to whom? Is there an observer? If not, then this should change.]
Six miles north of the Kincaid stronghold at the small McGillis village, four sinister-looking characters met in secret, three men in red and green Montgomery colors, and another rider whose identity was well hidden behind a long black hooded cloak.
14. The bushes rustled, shaking slightly. The riders stilled, withdrew their claymores and pointed them (toward) the bushes.
15. James' steed.
I think that's enough for one sitting. Obviously there's some of my suggestions that may not apply, so forgive me for being so long-winded.
This is a fine addition to the chapter, as it sets the stage properly for the arrival of the water sprite.
Cheers!
Ceridwen
His mother’s long, silky, black hair as it brushed past her right shoulder as she leaned towards Aedan.
This isn't making much sense, Nat.
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“Cameron, ’tis good to see you this morn,” his mother said [I have always thought a comma was required after the word - said] as she gave him a radiant smile—a smile filled with the love only a mother possessed for her child.
---------------------------------------------
Taking his seat at the head of the table, he leaned over and gave his mother a brief [why a brief kiss? Why not just a kiss? Does he often give his mother a long kiss?] kiss on the cheek.
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Isolode cleared her throat in emphasis and when [s]he finally looked up, she made a great show of placing her fork on the table.
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I know Melody had cause[d] you pain, but she had always been beneath you,” she said sadly.
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“When I have him, I will take my time ripping him from limb to limb. He shall pay for his crimes, as well as those of his father and his grandfather.”. “When I have him, I will take my time ripping him limb from limb. He shall pay for his crimes, as well as those of his father and his grandfather.”
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Lachlan slowly put his sword back into his sheath.
Lachlan slowly put his sword back into [its] sheath.
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There was nothing wrong with this presentation. I liked the subtle hint at the end. Nice work!
JJ
Hi Natalee,
The little girl Tammy you added really helped to show Cam's big heart and softer side. Cute scene. :) And the mention of a woman who hurt Cameron in the past will help explain why he's a bit gruff later on when he becomes vulnerable to his feeling for Sophia.
It's fun to reread this, and to see what you've added. It's a really cool story! :O)
Great Job!
Tina
Suggestions: (add) [delete]
* “Hallo,” said Tammy, the six(-)year(-)old butcher’s daughter.
Hmmm, read a little like she's the kid of a six-year-old butcher. :) Maybe: ...said six-year-old Tammy, the butcher's daughter.
** He hugged the tiny girl back. She was a sweet [girl] (lass). He had thought so the first time he met her a year ago(,) with eyes full of [crocodile] tears.
I think crocodile tears means when someone forces fake tears.
*** Lucifer may appear beastly, but when it comes to the wee lass(,) he is tame as a kitten.
**** His mother’s long, silky[,] black hair [as it] brushed past her right shoulder as she leaned towards Aedan.
***** He felt like a king seated in his throne(-)like chair.
**** He had always thought that they inherited their good looks from their late father(,) with their aquatic blue eyes and onyx colored hair, except Aedan’s hair curled, while his was straight. Both had the same build, yet he stood a few inch (inches) taller.
*** I am surprised you two [hadn’t] (did not) run her off with your childhood follies
** I know Melody [had cause] (caused) you pain,
* "So beneath me that she married [and] (an) earl."
** He had picked a [part] (section) of barren land for field training.
*** The men were divided into two groups. Aedan’s group practiced the art of sword fighting. Ian’s group practiced archery.
Maybe: The men were divided into two groups; Aedan’s practiced the art of sword fighting while Ian’s practiced archery.
**** He had gifted his brother with Devil and gave his best friend Satan, saving the best horse for himself.
Since the horses names are mentioned 3 times in these two paragraphs, maybe change this sentence to:
He had gifted his brother and his best friend with two of the steeds, but saved the best horse for himself.
***** and armor would slow the horse and produce far too much noise, not something he relished(,) yet he had a special chamfron made
**** Six miles north of the Kincaid stronghold at the small McGillis village(,) four sinister-looking characters met in secret(. T)hree men in red and green Montgomery colors, and another rider whose identity was well hidden behind a long black hooded cloak..........
**** “Wasted effort(. H)is future, by my hand, has been written, and death he cannot escape,”
Hi Natalee:
Great story. You have great imagination and a knack for getting us right in the moment. I have a clear picture of it all in my head. I love you characters, the setting, the mystery about the woman and the conspiracy with the Montgomerys. You’ve got a lot going on here, and it’s all good :)
I’m guessing Cameron has a spy within his household, right?
I think Cameron definitely is likable. AND it was not boring at all.
Great job on this. Really, really enjoying it. Later . . .
Nits:
Last night had to be the fault of his mother’s prized mead, which was made with two thirds liquor, and a very active imagination.
*** This sounds as if the mead has an active imagination. Maybe: Last night had to be the fault of a very active imagination and his mother’s prized mead, which was made with two thirds liquor.
One on one, the lads were paired up, given a wooden sword to fight, and if one cried or showed signs of fear, he was pushed the hardest until his own blood no longer scared him but fueled his determination for victory.
*** Change to make less passive. Here’s an attempt, I’m sure you can do better than me though.
One on one, the lads paired up, fought with wooden swords, and if one cried or showed signs of fear, they pushed harder until his own blood no longer scared him but fueled his determination for victory.
Ulla McGillis was looked upon as a kind of witch. If one were with child, she could prepare a brew which would cause a miscarriage. She concocted all sorts of different poisons and occasionally she had the gift of ‘sight’—for a price, of course. She didn’t care if people used her skills for good or evil, as long as they paid her in coin.
*** This paragraph sounds too much like “telling.” I don’t think you even need it because you show us very well what she’s all about.
Excellent chapter and the scene with the little girl was not out of character. Liking children is hardwired in us. In fact it’s so strong that it is not even uncommon for a baby of one species to be raised by another. I found almost no nit, but I did find some.
{Grammer, flow, and was it a fun read?} Grammar, you meant. Never type anything on site, always use Word, with its spellcheck protection. This review was composed in word and then transferred to the site.
Next, I noticed that in several places you through in a paragraph of Tell to set up the piece. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with this, but I always recommend looking to see if it could be done in Show. For example, in the paragraph where you introduce Ulla, you write
{She didn’t care if people used her skills for good or evil, as long as they paid her in coin.}, which is pure tell, and then follow it with, {Ulla looked up at Lachlan, rubbing her thumb and index finger together.}, which accomplishes exactly the same thing in show.
The only other nit I found was very nitty to be sure. I hope this is all helpful. R.M.
{I know Melody caused you pain, but she [had] always (was) [been] beneath you,” she said sadly.}
{He could not tolerate weakness in his soldiers[, for w](. W)eakness [would] only [lead](led) to death and defeat.} I have an aversion to ‘for’ clauses, probably because André Norton used so many of them and I read everything she wrote, but also because they slow the flow of thought and usually indicate two sentences instead of one.
Very good chapter. Smooth and well written. I am looking forward to reading more. Here is my only comment:
"He had real problems to deal with and he did not want to waste time pondering upon a fictitious ghost,"
I believe you need a comma after "with"
Nice conflict set up. I think Cameron is ok, though it always bugs me when the hero is a man-whore and proud of it. Other than that, he's likable enough. Nothing felt boring and it moved forward nicely. I'm certainly curious about the hooded figure and I'm excited for the girl to show up, whoever she may be. Didn't notice any grammar mistakes, but I'm not super good at that. It was nice to get a sense of day to day life and what positions different people held in the community. I'm anxious to see what happens next.
Another good chapter. I thought this was very sweet. Fav: Putting his palm up, he laughed. “Aye, Tammy, you know you are my number one lassie. Now if you really want to please me, you will learn how to make plum cake and roasted ham with cherry gravy.”
Liking the new character also. Moving on for more.
Elaine
Ann Everett