Black Mountain, North Carolina
Elisabeth Ann Sinclair 1964-2008, beloved mother.
Robert Charles Sinclair 1958-2008, cherished father.
It was 9:26 p.m. on August 19th, 2011, the three year anniversary of her parents' death. Sophia cast a last forlorn glance towards her parents' graves as she exited the main gates of the cementery. Every year at 9:26 p.m--their time of death--she came bearing flowers and tears, wishing they were still with her. But the funny thing about wishing was no matter how much she wished and willed things, they simply never came true. One of life's harsh realities she came to terms with at the young age of sixteen, some years ago.
Sophia wished it were all a horrible nightmare, but when the coroner pulled back the white sheets at the morgue and her parents white, lifeless, blood-stained faces stared back at her, cruel reality crashed down on her. When she was placed in a foster home, she had wished for kind compassionate foster-parents: instead they were cold and only cared about the check they received each month for her care. So she stopped wishing and stopped hoping for things that would never be, except for one day out of the year; today. She wished that she was not quite so alone, that she had someone to share her sorrows with, laugh with when happy, to hug and hold when in need of comfort, or to talk to for endless of hours about everything or nothing at all.
A tear slid down her cheek as she turned the corner at the old cementery and headed towards her apartment complex down Riverview Ave. The skies were overcast from constant rain over the last five days, dropping the temperature to the low sixties, keeping streets empty of pedestrians who preferred their cozy homes to the drizzling outdoors. It was always quiet in Black Mountain, North Carolina, but especially today, almost as if someone mocked her longing for companionship and isolated her from humanity.
“Le do thoil.” A mere whisper from behind her.
She spun around and saw the grim face of a pretty blonde girl. “Le do thoil,” she said again, with large pleading eyes.
The words were familiar yet foreign. Sophia frowned and looked down at the girl’s bare feet and the dirty hem of her white dress. Her eyes moved up over the drenched black cloak which was draped over the dress to her knee length wavy blonde hair, soaking wet, but topped with a gold tiara with pretty purple gems. “Do you need help?”
“Le do thoil,” she repeated as misery misted her eyes.
Please, a voice whispered in Sophia’s head. Was that what the girl was saying? Please? she wondered. The girl reached for Sophia's hand and pointed straight ahead towards the darkness of the outskirt of Pisgah Forest.
“What is it? Is someone hurt?” Sophia chewed on her bottom lip nervously.
The girl nodded. Her hands waved frantically towards the forest.
Sophia shook her head. “I will get an officer. The police will help you.” The forest always scared her at night.
Tears pooled in the girl's eyes, and it was only then that Sophia noticed the familiar violet hue of the girl’s irises, a shade, until today, she had only seen on herself.
“Le do thoil!” The girl didn’t wait for Sophia to reply, but took off toward the forest.
“No! Wait!” Sophia screamed, taking off after her. “I want to help you! Please, come back.”
She took a few uncertain steps into the forest, looking around. “Come back! It’s dark in there. You’ll get lost.”
Her feet halted, her hand rested against a tree as she tried to catch her breath. “I am going to get the police,” she shouted. “I’d only get lost trying to follow you and it wouldn’t do either of us any good. Do you hear me? Wait for me. I’m getting help.”
**
“And what did this girl look like?” Officer Allan asked, taking out a pad of police report forms from the desk drawer as she sat down. Her chair squeaked as she pulled a form free from its pad and placed it in front of her. "Take a seat." She motioned to the chair adjacent to the desk.
Giving a brief nod, Sophia sat down. “The girl had long, curly, blond hair, reaching past her back. She was about the same height as me, five-feet-three-inches, appeared to be between fourteen and sixteen years old, and wore a white dress, covered by a black cloak thing.”
Officer Allan jotted down the description. “Eye color?”
“The same as mine.”
Officer Allan looked at her, raising a brow. “Violet? It’s a very unusual color.”
Sophia nodded. “That’s why I remember them so clearly.”
“Miss Sinclair, could there be a possibility that you perhaps imagined this ‘girl’? Or—”
“No! She's real and in need of help. Just please look for her. I think she might be in trouble.” Sophia stood and reached for Officer Allan’s hand. “Please, help her.”
The officer’s eyes softened as she untangled her hand from Sophia’s. “I'll send a search party out. Anything else you can think of that might be useful to us?”
“She's foreign and spoke a different language. It wasn’t French or Spanish though. I took those in high school and would have recognized them, even though I'm not fluent.”
“Could it have been Russian?”
Sophia frowned. There have been a lot of Russian summer workers this year. “I don’t think so, but I'm not certain.”
Officer Allan stood, extended her hand. Sophia shook it. “Thank you, Miss Sinclair.”
“Please give me a call when you find her.”
“I certainly will. We’ll find her, Miss Sinclair. We’ll find her.” The officer’s words were meant to be reassuring, but it did not ease her mind.
***
Wet blades of damp grass tickled the soles of Sophia’s bare feet as she took in the rays of sunlight blanketing the endless miles of flowers and trees scattered across the lush green grass of the valley. A warm hand reached for hers and squeezed it.
"Riachtanais sé leat," the young girl with hauntingly familiar violet eyes said. When Sophia looked at her with confusion, she shook her blonde head and mouthed, ‘he needs you’. She then pointed towards the hills.
Sophia's eyes followed but saw nothing other than the pretty green and flowery vista. She turned back to the girl, but she was gone, leaving only the warm sensation of her touch.
Lightning cracked across the blue sky and transformed it into a dark hideous grey. The sky began to thunder as the world around her went dark. Gone was the beautiful valley, replaced with an eerie dark gloom. The trees, grass and even the flowers all withered before her, leaving nothing but barren ground.
In the distance a man came thundering down the valley, running as if his life depended on it. He kept looking over his shoulders as if someone or something were chasing him. Sophia saw no one besides the half-naked man running toward her, wearing a blue and green kilt. He was armed with a sword, adorned with blue and violet gemstones. Thick black hair, brushed by the wind, swept over his shoulders as he glanced back. The muscles in his calves flexed with each step as long legs rushed past her and disappeared into the woods.
“You cannot save him, you know. Regardless of how hard you try, I’ll kill him. You cannot stop what was meant to be,” said someone in a foul accented whisper from behind her.
She spun around and faced a tall, red-haired man, wearing a fine beige puffy sleeved shirt with brown leather trousers. A thick gold necklace hung about his neck, a large red gemstone nestled in the middle. He appeared battle-ridden, sporting a lengthy scar on his face which started at his right eyebrow and continued down his cheek. The green eyes fixed on her were cold and empty.
“I shall never let him have you, Caoilainn ap Crippen. NEVER!” He let out a malicious laugh and raised his sword to strike. “You are mine,” he whispered darkly.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a large black shape landed with a thud between her and her assailant. She stared in disbelief; a huge wolf was defending her. She felt and heard its rumbling growl as it bared its fearsome teeth. The beast inched forward its claws digging into the ground as it prepared to strike.
"My champion, your guardian. He will keep you safe."
The man let out an evil laugh. "Bravo, peasant! Again I find you sniffing around her feet like the creature you are. You think you have accomplished something.” He waved his sword around. “But your discovery fuels me. My power is far greater than the meager enchantment she weaved over you." A glowing crimson light emanated from his amulet . "I shall have it all in the end, power, revenge," his eyes fixed on to Sophia, "and her."
And then he vanished into thin air. The beast then turned around, set his blue eyes on her, and let out a deafening howl.
***
Sophia awoke to the buzzing of her alarm. Without getting up, she reached for the radio alarm clock and accidentally pushed it off the table. With a thud, it landed on the soft carpet.
“That’s just great,” she muttered as she realized she would actually have to get up.
Swinging her feet to the ground, she reached for her alarm, pushed the off button, and placed it back on her nightstand. 5:30 A.M. She rubbed her eyes, then made her way to the bathroom, turned the water in the sink on and watched it pour out of the faucet. She drummed her freshly manicured fingernails along the side of the sink, annoyed at her lack of sleep. It was bad enough she’d been kept up late at night by some dog’s constant howling; on top of that, weird dreams added to her restless nights, and now she was haunted by that poor girl as well.
Sophia ceased drumming her fingers, plucked a toothbrush from the cup holder and brushed her teeth. When she was done she pulled her cell from her jeans pocket and dialed Officer Allan’s direct line. It went straight to voicemail. She flipped her phone shut and sighed. “Poor girl.”
Marching over to the kitchen, she yanked the fridge open and pulled out the orange juice. She sat the bottle down, reached for her coffee mug which read, 'World’s Greatest Daughter' and poured her no-pulp orange juice in it. The cold liquid felt good going down her throat, although it tasted a bit funny mingled with peppermint toothpaste. Putting the juice back in the fridge, she plucked a strawberry, her favorite fruit, from its basket and bit into it.
Sophia closed the fridge and leaned her back against it, nipping at the fruit.“I have to go look for her.” She inhaled deeply, finished the strawberry, placed the mug on the counter and walked back to her bedroom.
She skimmed through her drawers for running shorts and her favorite white tank top. The same shirt she wore yesterday. She gave it a quick sniff just to make sure it still smelled somewhat clean, then quickly dressed, anxious to get out of the confines of her apartment. Sophia pulled shoulder-length blonde hair back into a short ponytail, tucked her cell into her sports bra and walked towards the living room, grabbed keys off the key rack and headed out the door.
She usually ran each morning. It was her new found hobby, her chance to erase unpleasant memories and clear her mind. It was also her only joy in life. Pisgah Falls Luxury Apartment Homes was the only apartment complex in Black Mountain, North Carolina, located close to the Pisgah National Forest boundaries, which was what originally drew her to the location, as well as Whiteoak Creek’s amazing waterfall.
The trail in the back of the apartment led straight into the forest and up to the waterfall. It was a five-minute walk to the trail and good fifteen-minute jog to the lake. She took off jogging lightly, allowing her muscles' to warm up, then gradually stepped up the pace.
Her usual mind freeing jog was interrupted by thoughts of the mysterious girl and her odd dream. The dream didn’t trouble her much, because it was just that, a dream. But the thought of the young girl alone out there in the woods worried her. She couldn’t just ignore the situation and do nothing. She had to look for her.
"Awwwwuuuuuuuuu."
“What the hell?” She quickly looked around.
There was nothing there. Just a variety of red maple, mockernut hickory and white oak trees surrounded the old growth forest, hugged by indigo and mountain sweet pepper bushes. A screech owl nested comfortably on a branch above, and several red-headed woodpeckers pecked on neighboring trees while grey squirrels sauntered across them. She even spied a pair of deer not far off, but no animal that could have produced a howling sound.
She frowned, thinking it was best to return home and call Black Mountain’s Wildlife Animal Control. The predatorial howl the animal made was not the usual sound the peaceful inhabitants of the forest made, and worried her. Perhaps one of the animals from the preserve escaped—
Something soft and bushy brushed against the back of her legs. Though impulse urged her to get away as quickly as possible, instinct told her to remain still. Both eyes shut while her mind willed her racing heart to its original tempo as fur tickled her bare legs. The ground vibrated as a loud thud echoed in her ears with each step the animal took. When it halted, she felt warm breath brush the top of her hair, almost as if someone was breathing down on her. She swallowed hard.
Sophia opened her eyes with agonizing slowness, lips parted in disbelief as the color drained from her face. She was eyelevel with the thick black fur of the animal’s breast. She put a hand to her mouth, afraid to believe what she was seeing as she swallowed yet again. Her eyes trailed upwards from his chest until she looked directly into the eyes of a wolf. “Holy shit,” she whispered into her palm.
A six foot tall wolf towered over her. His pelt was the darkest black and shone brilliantly in the sunlight that seeped through the tree branches. The wolf from my dream! There was no doubt in her mind that he was the same one. What did the girl call him? Guardian!
Don't move a muscle, Sophia. Sudden movement could cause an attack. She closed her eyes again and inhaled and exhaled several times until her breathing slowed to a normal pace. Opening her eyes, she took in his persona without moving her head, a muscle or a limb. Maybe I am still dreaming?
The wolf took a few steps back, regarding her with his large blue eyes. With a short grunt, he sat down, moving his eyes lingeringly up and down, examining her.
Confused, Sophia stood gawking at him, her heart still beating a thousand beats per minute. He tilted his head to the side and smiled at her, displaying pink gums and pointed fangs. Smile? Wolves can’t smile! She shook her head. Maybe he was baring his teeth? She looked at him again. No, it's definitely a smile.
Sophia looked into the wolf’s hypnotic eyes and felt her racing heart slow and tension leave her body, relaxing her almost instantly. Somehow her fear disappeared. Though her mind remained somewhat apprehensive, her heart knew that this wolf would do her no harm. He will keep you safe! Your guardian, the girl's words echoed in her ears. His greenish blue iris's appeared liquid, moving like waves. Sophia narrowed her eyes, swept in by his aqua gaze. It called to her.
She reached a hand out towards him and whispered, "I know you."
He raised his head and let out a long loud howl, breaking the spell.
Instantly, she pulled her hand back and shook her head, eyes wide wide. She didn't know the wolf. How could she? Other than one weird dream, she had never seen him before. So what compelled her to touch him?
Again he howled.
“What is it, boy? Are you hurt?” Honestly, sometimes I don't use the good sense God gave me. I should keep my mouth shut before he decides that I make a nice dinner. But maybe the animal is wounded and needs help?
Her gaze raked over him several times. There was nothing wrong with him besides his annoying howling and disrespect for her privacy. He really was a large animal; his paws were four times the size of her small hands, his head twice the size of a lion's.
He let out another wailing howl. It seemed to be his favorite pastime.
“Stop that!” she ordered. “That’s beyond irritating!”
Immediately, he stopped, his head lowered, resting between his large paws. Puppy dog eyes peered up. Her heart stirred, almost coming alive. “Do—Do I know you?”
Springing to his feet, his ears perked up as he took a step towards her with something resembling hope in his eyes.
Sophia took small steps backwards, more out of surprise than fear. The wolf stilled, paw in mid air. The light which briefly shone in his blue gaze dimmed. The way his eyes penetrated hers was frightening. Not because she stood in front of a fierce animal, but because the sorrow in them spoke measures. It called to her heart, wrapping itself around it indefinitely.
“Please don’t look at me like that. I can't bear it!”
He lowered his paw to the ground and stared at her.
“Are you all by yourself?” Could there be more of these large wolves?
He turned his back to her and sat down, letting out something that sounded an awfully a lot like a sigh.
Well that was rude. And am I really trying to have a conversation with a wolf?
“I have to go now. I am looking for someone.” She waited for a reply. Why she waited was beyond her. “Okay, well, I’m leaving.” She took a few steps backwards, shrugged and turned around. Peeking over her shoulders, she saw him still lying on the ground.
Frowning, she continued her search. She had enough on her mind without adding a sad wolf to her problems. Not even a minute passed before she heard the beat of paws on the path behind her. The ground shook as if a herd of cattle were let loose. When she turned around, the wolf stood so close that she felt the heat of his breath on her face. Oddly enough his breath smelled mildly like peppermint.
“No boy, you can’t come back with me.” It was strange talking to the wolf as if he was her pet dog. Yet a sense of familiarity washed over her, making her comfortable with him as if they had been friends all along. She reached her right hand up, stopping short before his face, testing to see how he would react to her.
He moved his head forward until it touched her hand, urging her to pet him. Smiling, she gently brushed her hand over his soft fur.
The need to drive the sadness away from him consumed her. It was almost like his grief gnawed at her heart, as if she felt his pain. “Why are you so unhappy?” Her hands moved over his pelt in a repetitive motion.
He howled. For a few seconds he regarded her with longing, then he rubbed his head against her cheek. Sophia giggled and hugged him. He truly was a sweet animal, just lonely like herself.
“There, you have me.” She pulled her head back and looked him the eyes. “You’re not alone anymore.” Then she squeezed him, feeling pleased with herself.
Her heart warmed to him almost immediately and she knew she would not abandon her strange new friend, not for anything. Oddly enough, he eased her loneliness. Perhaps she needed him more than he needed her.
He rubbed his head inside her palm before maneuvering himself around her, pushing her forward. “No, boy, I can’t go with you now. A girl is lost and I need to find her.” She smiled sadly at him and petted his head. “You have very beautiful eyes. I feel like I have looked into them before, as if I know you.”
She shook her head, ruefully. His eyes were unnerving.
He howled, then used his gigantic head to push her forward yet again.
“No!” She clucked her tongue.
He huffed, his nostrils slightly flaring. Again his eyes became sad.
“All right, all right! I’ll go if it makes you happy, but I will still be looking for her. Maybe you can help me?” He looked frustrated. “I don't even know how you manage that puppy dog look while looking so annoyed with me.” She took a step forward.
A furry head shook.
“What do you mean no?” She paused, confused. This day was getting stranger and stranger.
He lowered his front paws to the ground, his head fell as well.
Her brows drew together. “You want me to ride you? Are you nuts?” Is this wolf for real?
She didn’t expect him to answer. Really, he was only a wolf, not a person who she could communicate with intelligently. But the cheeky wolf nodded. Until that very moment she wasn’t sure if he understood her, though, she had a feeling he did. Kind of like a dog would understand its owner. Yet his intelligence was far more superior than a mere dog's. It was clear in his eyes; she would simply have to accept that he was no ordinary wolf.
He inched closer, his nose poking at her foot. “If you drop me, I’ll make a floor mat out of you!”
She swung her leg over him and righted herself. “I am trying to ride a wolf,” she laughed. “Now I know I’m crazy.” The moment she was seated, he took off. She flung her arms around his neck in dismay. “Slow down!” Sophia screamed. And to her surprise he did, though not much.
It was like riding an unsaddled horse, mixed with the feeling of sitting on a mechanical bull. It felt a bit odd, but yet something about holding on to this very large animal felt right, as well as comforting.
“You need a name," she said, the thought coming out of nowhere. "I can’t just keep calling you wolf. Beast doesn’t suit you, even though you might look like one. Hmm, how about Shadow for all your blackness?” And the fact that he shadowed her dream.
He grunted.
“I could call you pain in my ass.”
He snickered.
What the hell? A snickering wolf? What did I drink last night? Orange juice, herbal tea, and water—nope, no alcohol.
“I’m losing my mind. I’m talking to a wolf and worse, he’s actually responding,” she said, shaking her head.
“I’m not going up there. Let me down! We are supposed to be looking for the girl, remember?”
She decided to call him Shadow, whether he liked it or not. Looking about she realized Shadow was heading up to Whiteoak Creek's waterfall. Of course he could not just be satisfied toting her around even ground, he had to drag her up to a precipice.
The air left her lungs as he bent his knees and leaped forward. Each jump lifting her three to five feet off the ground. Sophia clenched her eyes shut. “If I am still alive after this, I am going to kill you!”
With a final thud he landed at the top of the hill. Her eyes fluttered open. “What the hell am I doing up here? What? You need help howling at the moon?”
Looking around, she sat upright, hands fisted in his fur. “It is beautiful up here,” she said, forgetting her anger.
The harmonic rhythm of the waterfall played in her ears like a wonderful symphony, accompanied by the rustling of animals rooting in the underbrush, and birds chirping their morning songs. Inhaling the fresh earthy air she realized she was actually enjoying herself.
Shadow stepped forward onto the spear shaped overhang. “Woa, boy! Careful!” He nodded his head, stopping a mere foot away from the edge.
The view was breathtaking. The sun rose, outlining the sky with its yellowish orange glow. Trees swayed as the morning breeze passed through them. The wind blew through the branches, giving the illusion that the trees were stretching as if they had just woken up. The forest seemed to come to life before her. It was truly amazing.
“Is this what you wanted to show me, Shadow? It’s beautiful,” she said cheerfully. From this view she could see over some parts of the forest, making it easier to spot the girl.
He grunted at the use of the word Shadow.
Sophia laughed. “Get used to it, buddy. That’s your name--"
A small breeze carried the sound of an eerie female voice, "Great Fay Valvoley, guardian of life and time, grant us entrance into the realm of time, help me share what once was mine."
Shadow howled almost as if answering. His knees bent. Sophia gasped. “No, no, noooooo,” she said screamed as he jumped over the ledge, taking her with him.
Her eyes blazed and her stomach dropped as the sensation of going downhill on a rollercoaster ride washed over her. Hugging on to him for dear life, she prayed to the God she had ignored since her parents death, begging him for help.
Shadow dove nose first into the lake. Water swallowed them up as they sank deeper and deeper. Desperately, she kicked her feet, trying to push up. But Shadow somehow switched positions, weighing her down. Her body hit the bottom of the lake, head snapping back as a voice spoke to her.
Maybe it was her imagination, perhaps it was God or even her parents, but someone said, “Don’t be afraid, Sophia. You are going home.”
© Copyright 2025 Natalia Vermont. All rights reserved.
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Hi Natalee,
At first I wasn't sure I liked the girl appearing before Shadow (guess I'm attached to the wolf LOL), but by the time I came to the end of the chapter I decided I did. It makes the scenarios Sophia and Cam both face at the beginning parallel, so the time travel phenomenon comes out even more realistically. I still really like the dialog Sophia has with Shadow, you had that in the 1st draft if I'm remembering correctly.
Great Job!
Tina
Suggestions: (add) [delete]
* When she was placed in a foster home, she had wished for kind compassionate foster-parents[,](:) instead they were cold and only cared about the check they received each month for her care.
** The skies were overcastted (overcast) from the constant rain over the last five days, the streets empty of pedestrians who preferred their cozy homes to the drizzling outdoors.
*** She turned around and (saw) the grim face of a pretty blonde girl. “Le do thoil,” she said again(,) with large pleading eyes.
**** Officer Allan asked, getting out a pad of police report forms from the desk drawer [and] (as she) sat down.
***** Constantly glancing back as he ran past her, not once [sparing] (did he spare) her a glance as he disappeared into the woods.
**** The beast then turned around, setting (set) his blue eyes on her(,) and let out a deafening howl.
*** She drummed her freshly manicured finger nails (fingernails) along the side of the sink, annoyed at her lack of sleep.
** The cold liquid felt good going down her throat, although[,] it tasted a bit funny mingled with peppermint toothpaste.
* She pulled shoulder-length blonde hair back[,] into a short ponytail, tucked her cell into her sports bra and walked towards the living room, grabbed keys off the key rack and headed out the door.
** Pisgah Falls Luxury Apartment Homes was the only apartment complex in Black Mountain, North Carolina(,) located close to the Pisgah National Forest boundaries, which was what originally drew her to the location(,) as well as Whiteoak Creek’s amazing waterfall.
*** She even spied a pair of deer not far off(,) but no animal that could have produced a howling sound.
**** The predatorily (predatory) howl the animal made
***** “I don't even know how you manage that puppy dog [look] (expression) while looking so annoyed with me.”
To avoid 'look' twice.
Nat:
Great chapter.
It read well. I never read the original, but I sure liked this.
Followed it well, I like Sophia, she has spunk, like all your heroines have. Anyway, this is going good. Other than the suggestions below. I would say kill the last paragraph. YOu are going home, makes a much better hook to end with.
You know they say, start a scene late, and end early.
Favorite LInes:
As i read this, believe it or not, it is exactly 5:30AM. It is meant to be!
Getting out of bed, she reached for her alarm, pushed the off button, and placed it back on her nightstand. 5:30 A.M.
Good imagery.
Marching over to the kitchen, she yanked the fridge open, pulled out the orange juice, and drank from the bottle. She sat the bottle down, reached for her coffee mug which read, 'World’s Greatest Daughter' and poured her no-pulp orange juice in it. The cold liquid felt good going down her throat, although it tasted a bit funny mingled with peppermint toothpaste.
Her eyes trailed upwards from his chest until she looked directly into the eyes of a wolf. “Holy shit,” she whispered into her palm.
“What is it, boy? Are you hurt?” Hadn’t she just decided that she should keep her mouth shut? Honestly, sometimes she didn’t use the good sense God gave her. But maybe the animal was wounded and needed help?
Suggestions:
QUIET, not QUITE
It was always quite in Black Mountain, North Carolina, but especially today, almost as if someone was mocking her longing for companionship and isolated her from humanity.
This is kind of a freaky occurance. So you're not sure what's going to happen next that's good. But when I read this, I saw, for one instant, a disembodied hand, hanging on the tree. Maybe reword to 'her hand'? It's too many hers I know, but I think it needs to be reworded.
Her feet halted, a hand rested against a tree as she tried to catch her breath.
I think we have too much blue and blue and. Maybe just say a kilt, with the blue and violet stones. You can really only imagine a kilt either blue and green or red and black. Maybe, if its important, ad the colors later. We're still in the third chapters so less is more, here.
Sophia saw no one besides the half-naked man running toward her, wearing a blue and green kilt. He was armed with a sword, adorned with blue and violet gemstones.
THE SAME ONE>
There was no doubt in her mind that he was same one.
Hey Nat,
This is good. Very good. Now, I agree with Mallot about the ending...however, I'd add...you are going home...then all went black. Because in the previous paragraph you have them in the water...and you have her head snapping back...so I think it would fit there.
Also, I'm not sure I wouldn't like it better if Shadow had some kind of hypnotic effect on Sophia...in place of her just saying...for some reason she knew he wouldn't hurt her. Maybe his eyes kinda put her in a trance so she believes she's in no danger. I'm just thinking if you have a dream and then the darn thing actually happens...the beast appears...it should scare the pee-pee out of you and that alone would be traumatic. Could be just me. If no one else has a problem with it, then it is just me.
Anyway, I like how you've re-written this...much more mysterious.
~Ann
Hi Nat! Great rewrite - you have been really busy! Was the girl who appears in this chapter in the original at all? The way I remember, it was just Shadow. Anyway, I like her here, as this pretty much matches up with Cam's dream. The brief back story on Sophia went really well, and emphasizes her feelings of loneliness.
I might be tempted to change the way that the wolf appeared, but this could be just me. Sophia felt something furry brush her legs and then closed her eyes - when she opened them, there he was. This is kind of like he just appeared out of nowhere, but is maybe as you meant it to be?
A few nits, nothing major:
Every year she came (bearing)[baring] flowers and again with "I cannot (bear)[bare] it."
The officer's words were meant to be reassuring but (they) [it] did not ease her mind.
Not sure about "fierce accented whisper" Maybe "fierce, heavily accented whisper"?
Just an idea, but I would give Officer Allen a different last name, just because 'Allen' immediately makes the reader think male. Small thing, but it took me out of the story for a minute while I figured out that he is a she.
Anyway, I really like this rewrite - so much more detail! Nicely done! :) Cathy
Hey Nat, I'm so glad I found your novel. Your style is perfect for this genre. When I walk into your novel, I feel like I'm in a super coloring book: it's fairytale-ish, bigger than life, vivid, and makes the reader believe that anything is possible. I don't know how you do it, but it works.
Sophia is likeable, esp. her spunky dialogue with the wolf. Original stuff. You created a nice rhythm with internal thought and action. Fun to follow. I loved the line, "You want me to ride you?"
Great descriptions. The "barefoot girl with dirty hem." That hemline said sooo much. And, of course, I have a forest in my novel (slash pines, saw palmetto) but not a "mockernut hickory." LOVED IT!
All of the research makes your reader appreciate those fine brush strokes.
You have a line: Sophia's wish: "She wished not to be alone." Was she missing her parents or was she specifically wanting a lover? I wanted to know what she was yearning for.
I love your magical style. I'll be back. T Cat
Natalee:
As promised, here is my take on this chapter. I'll give you a first-approximation in the beginning, then hit the nits. You know what a 'nitter' I am, so bear with me.
1. First three paragraphs are a lot of 'tell' - if possible, let some of this roll from Sophia's thought-stream. Or perhaps standing at the gravestone, reading the inscription, or having a 'chat' with her departed parents.
2. It's summer, it's North Carolina, and it's hot. How hot? What time of day?
3. I like the appearance of the little girl, by the way. Is her face and hair dirty or wet, like the rest of her? I've a feeling she's wearing only a shift, but Sophia wouldn't know the difference between a dress and a shift - yet. It would have to be of linen, not cotton.
4. “I shall never let him have you, Caoilainn Ap Crippen. NEVER!”
The phrase 'ap' isn't capitalized, and in Welsh means 'son of'. It's not Scottish. I'm also wondering who the green-eyed man is addressing. That's not clear.
5. I do like the violet eyes. What a nice marker. If possible, let it describe only eyes, not gemstones. That keeps it special.
6. “Please don’t look at me like that. I can't (bear) it!”
7. He howled. For a few seconds he regarded her with longing then rubbed his head against her cheek.
8. Sophia has described that the wolf is seven feet tall. Does that mean on four legs? Also, she doesn't react to the sheer size of this beast, and should know full well the size of an average wolf. Seven feet is something the height of a bull-moose.
Well, okay, that's my two cents' worth. Hope it helps. On to Chapter 5!
Ceridwen
Interesting again. You describe everything well and keep the reader hooked. I am guilty as the next person of those nits like these
"socking wet, but topped with a gold tiara with pretty pruple gems."
(Soaking wet and purple).
The movement back and forth was a little confusing to me. And the "seven-foot wolf" was perhaps a bit much. Maybe it's just me, but if I saw a seven foot wolf towering over me, I wouldn't be hanging around to ask "what is it, boy" or whatever. (You said honest!). I'd be in the next county hiding under bed...or I would have taken a picture with my iphone, gotten the hell outta dodge, and sold my story and photo to a tabloid. :-). I think your wolf could be big, but maybe he shouldn't be a mutant, since an intelligent woman wouldn't be hanging around to possibly be eaten. :-)
Anyway, I really like your story, and I may be the only one getting stuck on these details. Overall, nice job.
This was an awesome read. I hope the wolf stays around. Loved the way she reacted to him. Although, I did think a 7 foot wolf was a tad-bit too much. I think I'd have bolted. LOL I would have freaked out if it were normal size. But you did make the encounter and her reactions pretty believable.
The young girl adds a surreal feel and I thought you added just the right amount of mystery with her. I'm curious to see who she turns out to be. At first I thought she was the wolf.
I have a few suggestions:(add) [delete] ***comments
***First is the dialogue in 2011. Especially in the police station. I think I would use I'm instead of I am and I'll instead of I will. It would sound more today instead of so formal.
The skies were overcast from [the ]constant rain over the last five days, dropping the temperature to the low sixties, [the](keeping) streets empty of pedestrians who preferred their cozy homes to the drizzling outdoors. ***I only suggest this to get rid of some of a couple (the) words.
Officer Allan asked, getting out a pad of police report forms from the desk drawer as (she) sat down.
The [pretty ]green eyes fixed on her were cold and empty.***pretty seems out of place with the rest of the description.
Yet, just by looking at his eyes, which took on a hypnotic nature, slow[ing](ed) her heart to its original rhythm, making the tension leave her body and relaxing her almost instantly.
He turned his back to her and sat down, letting out a sound that sounded an awfully [a ]lot like a sigh.
***the wolf howls a lot - maybe swap some out for: whimper, bark, rumble, yelp, even a soft growl.
Sh[o[(a)dow howled almost as if an(s)wering. His knees bent[,](.) Sophia gasped. “No, no, noooooo,” she said as he jumped over the ledge, taking her with him.***Unless her knees are bent.
It sure looks like the wolf has a human side. Can't wait to see how Sophia reacts to her new world with her 2011 personality.
See you in your next chapter.
Susan
Hey, Nat:
You didn't waste time revising. I like the changes, they are significant, even if you don't think so. Yes, there are nits, but minor.
1. parents' (plural possessive)
2. Instead of 'graveyard' use cemetery.
3. It's 'bearing' not 'baring'
4. It was a harsh reality of life, one she had come to terms with at the age of sixteen.
5. So she stopped wishing and hoping for things that would never be. (italics) Except for one day out of the year - today. I wish I wasn't so alone, that there was someone to share sorrow with, or comfort or joy, even to just talk about nothing!
6. change to 'outskirts'
7. “Le do thoil!” The girl didn’t wait for Sophia to reply, but took off (toward) the forest.
8. “And what did this girl look like?” Officer Allan asked, (taking) out a pad of police report forms from the desk drawer as she sat. Her chair squeaked as she pulled a form free from its pad, placing it in front of her. "Take a seat." She gestured at the chair adjacent to her desk.
9. 'favorite', referring to the strawberries.
10. Sitting usually implies 'down'.
Nice job! Okay, get back to revising those chapters!...;-)
Ceridwen
Hey Natalee,
Great start to this chapter. My memory of the present day part of this tale was her encounter with the wolf as she was out running. I like the plea from the same ghost even better. Combined with the words 'he needs you' you create a bond between this pair before they even meet. Excellent opening.
The dream sequence has been honed as well, I think. And the red heads claim on her is new I think. If it isn't it reads with more force now.
The morning after had a few small glitches in just one paragraph. She drank straight from the juice bottle, and then poured some into a cup. I just paused at that, wondering why she would dirty a cup, since she already drank from the source. You end that paragraph with a thought about strawberries. I kind of think italicised thoughts work better when they reflect the main action. You use them to great effect when she first encounters the wolf. In the kitchen scene it seems unnecessary. You could just say, ". . . she plucked a strawberry, her favorite fruit, from the basket and bit into it." Subjective suggestion on my part, so feel free to ignore it.
Overall, another great rewrite. This story flows much faster, and the ride feels smoother than before. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
It's working.
Madison
**His medium lenght black hair moved with the wind with his hurried movements as he constantly glancing back, running past her, not sparing her a glance as he disappeared into the woods.
Typo/ing vs. ed: length/ . . as he constantly 'glanced back . . . .
If I may offer a suggestion, since the genre is romance, and this is her first look at Cam (we assume it is Cameron) you might want to sex up the hair description a little. How about: Thick black hair, brushed by the wind, swept across his broad shoulders as he glanced back . . . . Just a thought.
Happy Easter Natalee
Natalee, you area so exact, but somehow I found a couple of spelling error:
Feeback cementary
I like this line, especially ‘and tears’ -- Every year at 9:26 p.m--their time of death--she came bearing flowers and tears, wishing they were still with her.
Incredible: “cruel reality crashed down on her.”
Perfect: “It was always quiet in Black Mountain, North Carolina, but especially today, almost as if someone was mocking her longing for companionship and isolated her from humanity.”
SPOOKY: “Le do thoil.” A mere whisper from behind her.
This Is a glorious paragraph, especially the ending: The words were familiar yet foreign. Sophia frowned and looked down…to her knee length wavy blonde hair, soaking wet, but topped with a gold tiara with pretty purple gems. “Do you need help?”
STAY OUT OF THE FOREST SOPHIA: The girl reached for Sophia's hand and pointed straight ahead towards the darkness of the outskirt of Pisgah Forest.
The past returns to haunt her: “…Sophia noticed the familiar violet hue of the girl’s irises, a shade, until today, she had only seen on herself.
Thank God you’re not going to give a ‘real’ description: “…curly, blond hair, reaching past her back. She was about the same height as me, five-feet-three-inches, appeared to be between fourteen and sixteen years old….”
I hope he’s serious about this promise: “The officer’s eyes softened as she untangled her hand from Sophia’s. “I'll send a search party out.
The paragraphs in italics secure this novel’s TNBW following;
And so it continues: And then he vanished into thin air. The beast then turned around, set his blue eyes on her, and let out a deafening howl.
Oh no you don’t young lady! “I have to go look for her.”
You young un’s never listen to the hold folks anymore! “She couldn’t just ignore the wolf??
If you’d listened to me you wouldn’t be facing your demons or for that matter, some other crazed demon.
Seems like a friendly ‘pet.’ “ The wolf took a few steps back, regarding her with his large blue eyes. With a short grunt, he sat down, moving his eyes lingeringly up and down, examining her.
Certainly follows commands well: “Stop that!” she ordered. “That’s beyond irritating!”
From somewhere in her forgotten memories, she knows not to afraid of this huge wolf. I expect she will come back again to talk with the wolf.
I absolutely love this: “ He inched closer, his nose poking at her foot. “If you drop me, I’ll make a floor mat out of you!”
Beautiful imagery – breathtaking view
Well, I must say, that was one hell of a morning stroll!
This story is out of the realm of my choice of reading, or should I saw it WAS. This is going to be great fun.
See you in three days. Hugs, Irene
But the funny thing about wishing was no matter how much she wished and willed things, they simply never came true[.] (,one of life's harsh realities she'd come to terms with at sixteen years old.)//just a suggestion, but sometimes changing the syntax helps set the differences between time periods.\\ [It was a harsh reality of life, one she had come to terms with at the age of sixteen, some years ago.]
Tears pooled in the girl('s) eyes, and it was only then that Sophia noticed the familiar violet hue of the girl’s irises, a shade, until today, she had only seen on herself.
******//I would not separate the dream from the next paragraph with stars. Too much of a difference, as though she'd been somewhere else entirely instead of asleep.\\
“That’s just great,” she muttered as she realized she would actually have to [rise](get up). //rise seems more like a word from a time past, my impression.\\
[Getting out of bed](Swinging her feet to the ground), she reached for her alarm, pushed the off button, and placed it back on her nightstand. 5:30 A.M. She rubbed her eyes, then made her way to the bathroom[,](.)(Turning on the water in the sink, she watched it pour out of the facet [turned the water in the sink on and watched it pour out of the faucet]. She drummed her freshly manicured fingernails along the side of the sink, annoyed at her lack of sleep.
“There, you have me.” She pulled her head back and looked him (in) the eyes. “You’re not alone anymore.” Then she squeezed him, feeling pleased with herself.
Terrific intrigue. Love the time shift. Try and make the difference between your time shift more effective by making sure present day expressions are more banal.
It is a fantastic story worthy of a thorough read.
Way to go, Nat.
Joss
The opening paragaph needs some tweeks. I can really feel the writer working behind the scenes at the start. I can't sink into the book.
Example: It was a harsh reality of life, one she had come to terms with at the age of sixteen, some years ago.
This is clearly the writer working to feed info to the reader. And in my area, the cemetaries are locked after dark. It's illegal to enter. And why go there the exact time of death? Wouldn't the day be enough?
Torrid usually means sexy in most readings. Seems an odd usage here.
The ghost thing is confusing. The ghost is suppose to be with Cameron? Yet she's not the old spirit of Sophia brought back. I cannot quite figure that out. Oh well. I suppose it'll unravel. But it makes me think that Cameron and Sophia aren't really meant for each other.
A six foot tall wolf? Really? She has to think she got a roofie somewhere to believe that. I can imagine you saying a supersized wolf but this is more of fable like. It's beyond the stretch of my williness to bend. A six foot tall wolf would be taller than me. I can imagine a wolf that could stand up at six foot if he reared on his hind legs. I could even believe a wolf whose shoulder went waist high on me and was super long.
But six foot tall wolf? Nope. That's a delusion or a roofie wolf. She believes this much too easily. It doesn't gel for me. Maybe I am misunderstanding his size as you've described it but perhaps I'm not seeing this right. But I don't believe she friends the wolf as described.
Hi Natalee
You have an awesome imagination! I had no idea you were going to skip into our time. Really GOOD. I like that sort of story.
I'm not good with nitty reviews, I'll just give some overall 'advice' or things that I might focus on in my own writing.
I have this feeling this chapter should be two chapters - but perhaps you have it as one for the SS comp? It would be a great hook, ending after the dream.
It might be worth parring/trimming down on alot of this - compacting and combining dialogue and interactions ie with the wolf
I notice that you put in alot of detail that is not really needed, especially noticable when Sophia is eating breakfast - (going through the motions) you could combine all of that into just breakfast.
Also in your first paragraph you could combine
Sophia cast a forlorn glance towards her parents' graves as she exited the main gates of the moonlit cementery. On each anniversay of their deaths three years ago, she came bearing and tears, (do you need to be specific with the time? or is that extra details?)
Wherever you can try to trim and combine information.
Is the wolf as big as a horse? 6 feet tall is huge!! this would be scary. She seems very at ease with it quickly. I think if you can have less 'happy/relaxed' thoughts in this part and more unease or wonder it might come across with more impact. Im not sure how it is all to go, but perhaps more 'conflict' between them to start with ie. Sophia retreats from the wolf but the wolf is determined to follow her.
anyway, I could be just prattling on. I'm always looking for ways to create conflict between characters.
Now I sense she has been transported!! very exciting. I love the mix between time periods.
I also like your use of ancient dialogue/language. I assume you are using real language?
and I don't know who the young child is! so that's great, I'm intrigued.
Lou :D
Hi Natalee,
I really like the way you have the ending, with the voice telling her she's going home. The rest of the chapter rocks, as well. :)
Great Job!
Tina
Suggestions: (add) [delete]
* She wished that she was not quite so alone, that she had someone to share her sorrows with, laugh (with) when happy, to hug and hold when in need of comfort, or to talk to for endless of hours about everything or nothing at a (all.)
** It was always quiet in Black Mountain, North Carolina, but especially today, almost as if someone [was mocking] (mocked) her longing for companionship and isolated her from humanity.
*** A black, gigantic, beast (A gigantic black beast) of a wolf stood between her and her assailant.
**** She gave it a quick sniff just to make sure it still smelled somewhat clean, then quickly dressed [herself], anxious to get out of the confines of her apartment.
***** She took off jogging lightly [allowing her muscles'] to warm [up] (her muscles), then gradually stepped up the pace.
**** A screech owl nested comfortably on a branch above, (and) several red-headed woodpeckers pecked on neighboring trees while grey squirrels sauntered across them.
Nice descriptions of the animals and scenery. :)
*** Yet, just [by] looking at his eyes, which took on a hypnotic nature, slowed her heart to its original rhythm, making the tension leave her body and relaxing her almost instantly.
** Your guardian, the girl(')s words echoed in her ears.
* Immediately[,] he stopped, his head lowered, resting between his large paws.
** He turned his back to her and sat down, letting out [a sound] (something) that sounded an awfully a lot like a sigh.
So you won't be using sound twice
*** I’ll go[. If] (if) it makes you happy, but I will still be looking for her.
**** Until that very moment she wasn’t sure if he understood her, though[,] she had a feeling he did. Kind of like a dog [would] understand its owner.
***** “I could call you (P)ain (I)n (M)y (A)ss.”
**** Shadow, [what] (shich) she decided to call him whether he liked it or not, went up the hill leading to Whiteoak Creek's waterfall.
*** Inhaling the fresh earthy air(,) she realized she was actually enjoying herself.
or 'She inhaed the fresh earthy air, realizing she was actually enjoying herself.'
Hi Natalee:
I enjoyed this chapter. You move at a pretty fast pace which is really good. Sophia shows just the right amount of awe at meeting the wolf, and although deciding to ride on top of a his back seems a bit of a stretch, it works. Mainly because of her voice, I think. She seems like a go-with-the-flow, very sweet, and very open to help others. Maybe it is this character trait that will get her in trouble later :) Very likable MC.
Really want to turn the page for her encounter with Cameron and how she’ll
help him. Later.
Nits/Comments/Suggestions:
endless of hours about everything or nothing at a/all
The trail in the back of the apartment led straight into the forest and up to the waterfall.
*** This sounds like somewhere I’d like to live :)
lips parted in disbelief as the color drained from her face
*** Seems like a POV change
his head [was] twice the size of a lion's
*** can probably remove ‘was’
Well that was rude [of him]
She took a few steps backwards, shrugged her SHOULDERS and turned around. Peeking over her SHOULDERS, she saw him still lying on the ground.
*** Words repeat
You have very beautiful eyes. [Sometime] I feel like I have looked into them before, as if I know you
*** Sometimes makes it sound as if she has been with the wolf before. And I know she has, but it sounds off, as if she knows it, but she really does not.
Yet his intelligence was far more superior than a mere [canine's]/dog’s/mutt’s
*** A wolf is a canine as well as a dog, so this sentence is off.
It was 9:[extra space typo] 26 p.m.
----------------------------------
Sophia [had - maybe take out wished is past tense had wished I think is redundant] wished it were all a torrid nightmare, [I wouldn't use 'torrid' go with something like horrid, or horrible - torrid affair, torrid relationship, dance, courtship etc.
--------------------
Suddenly, something jumped in front of her, landing with a loud thud, appearing out of nowhere. A black, gigantic, beast of a wolf stood between her and her assailant. Growling, he bared razor sharp teeth at the man before him and slowly inched forward, claws extended, ready to strike.
I think this needs a rewrite. What do you think?
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a large black shape landed with a thud between her and her assailant. She stared in disbelief; a huge wolf was defending her. She felt and heard its rumbling growl as it bared its fearsome teeth. The beast inched forward its claws digging into the ground as it prepared to strike. (razor sharp teeth and retractable claws sound more like a cat)
-----------------
Yet, just by looking at his eyes, which took on a hypnotic nature, slowed her heart to its original rhythm, making the tension leave her body and relaxing her almost instantly.
Sentence fragment. Try -
She looked into the wolf’s hypnotic eyes and felt her racing heart slow and tension leave her body, relaxing her almost instantly.
------------------------------
“You have very beautiful eyes. Sometime[s – or take the word out entirely] I feel like I have looked into them before, as if I know you.”
---------------------
It was clearly legible in his eyes.
This is verbose maybe simplify it a little. - It was clear in his eyes; she would have to accept that he was no ordinary wolf.
----------------------
. . . Beast doesn’t suit you, even though you might look like one; Hmm, how about Shadow for all your blackness and it would seem you are a shadow from my dream.”
-------------------
Shadow, what she decided to call him whether he liked it or not, went up the hill leading to Whiteoak Creek's waterfall. Of course he could not just be satisfied toting her around even ground. He had to drag her up an incline.
I find this para a little hard to understand. What about rewording it a little:
She decided to call him Shadow, whether he liked it or not. Looking about she realized Shadow was heading up to Whiteoak Creek's waterfall. Of course he could not just be satisfied toting her around even ground, he had to drag her up to a precipice.
-----------------------
“No, no, noooooo,” she [screamed] as he jumped over the ledge, taking her with him.
-----------------------
Hi Nat,
I know, I know, it's about time. I like the rewrite, but some of your wording – ‘the incantation at the falls’ (Ellen Enchanted) and the ‘spear shaped rock with Shadow standing on it’ (Lion King) have a Disney feel to them??? I see “A Most Improper Bride is off the site”. Does that mean what I think it means? Hope you find the above helpful.
JJ
Hello Natalee,
What a fun chapter. It was interesting to meet Sophia, and I loved the giant wolf. :) Some comments and suggestions:
1. "their time of death" -- unecessary, since you've already implied this at the beginning of the paragraph.
2. The backstory on the death of Sophia's parents felt a little too much like data download for my tastes; you might try leaving the details of their demise in mystery and perhaps referring to it later on down the line.
3. "which was draped over the dress to her knee length wavy blond hair" -- Had a hard time getting a visual on this. Was her cloak draped to her hair?
4. "outskirt of Pisgah Forest" -- Through me out of the story for a moment, since I was assuming she was in a semi-urban setting and there was no hint of forest until this moment. Maybe a little bit of scene setting before this moment would fix this.
5. How did Sophia see the color of the girl's eyes in the dark?
6. It sounded dishonest of the officer to promise to find the girl; how can she be certain they will? Perhaps a "We'll do the best we can" would be more authentic.
7. The dream sequence was cool, as were all your very vivid descriptions of the forest.
8. "regarding her with his eyes...moving his eyes lingeringly" You kind of say the same thing two different ways here. Maybe choose one or the other, but not both.
9. "a sound that sounded like" -- redundant; you could just write "a sound like a sigh"
10. "Her heart warmed to him almost immediately..." You could drop most of the paragraph, as much of what you say here you have already shown (or are about to show) through the action and dialogue.
11. "...he jumped over the ledge, taking her with him." I think this would be a very powerful place to end the chapter.
//That's all. Thanks for a fun read.
-Rita
This book fell off my radar somehow and I just managed to stumble back on it reviewing criticism on my own. Outstanding chapter with a lot of action and mystery. I love the idea of a wolf the size of a Clydesdale horse. There were a few misspellings and some word choices that I thought I’d point out. I hope they are helpful. Also, you should post more chapters. I want to read the whole book. R.M.
{It was 9:26 p.m. on August 19th, 2011, the three year anniversary of her parents' death.} Nothing wrong, but I’d tend to say ‘the third anniversary of her parents death.’
{as she exited the main gates of the cementery. Every year at 9:26 p.m--their time of death} should be cemetery and 9:26 p.m. Cemetery has an extra ‘n’ in the next paragraph as well.
{One of life's harsh realities she came to terms with at the young age of sixteen, some years ago.} Pure word choice, but I like ‘she came to terms with some years ago at the age of sixteen.’
{“I'll send a search party out. Anything else you can think of that might be useful to us?”} Unless she ran all the way to the station rather than call, she would be talking to an officer at the scene while he evaluated her story. They would error on the side of searching because the results of being wrong could be significant while searching unnecessarily would be just lost time. Therefore, I’d set the interview after the search while a detective takes a CYA report, just in case a body was found in the woods next week. The more realistic you make the real world, the more ready the reader is to accept the unreal.
{…she shook her blonde head and mouthed, (“He)[‘he] needs you[’](“) It’s still a quote even if it’s a dream.
{He appeared battle-ridden} I’m not familiar with battle-ridden, but I know ‘battle-hardened’
There’s nothing worse than a writer who sees a scene different than another writer wrote it. I think you would make Sophia much stronger a character if she knew the cops didn’t find the girl and was looking. See my comments above re: police procedure. Or, just have the officer tell her in the morning that she wasn’t found and they’d stopped looking.
{The same shirt she wore yesterday.} This isn’t a sentence, no verb.
{…as well as Whiteoak Creek’s amazing waterfall.} White Oak?
{He raised his head and let out a long(,) loud howl, breaking the spell.}
{Instantly, she pulled her hand back and shook her head, eyes wide [wide].
{Yet his intelligence was far [more] superior [than](to) a mere dog's.}
{I can’t just keep calling you wolf.} Wolf should be capitalized as it is, in fact used as a name here.
I enjoyed this chapter. Good visualization. I am interested in reading more and find out what happens to Sophia. Here are some more comments:
“Instantly, she pulled her hand back and shook her head, eyes wide wide.”
I believe you need to remove the second wide
“Her heart warmed to him almost immediately and she knew she would not abandon her strange new friend, not for anything.”
You need a comma after “immediately.”
“A girl is lost and I need to find her.”
You need a comma after “lost.”
“She swung her leg over him and righted herself. “I am trying to ride a wolf,” she laughed.”
You need a comma after him. I also read that you should stick with "said" instead of using things like "laughed" and visualize her emotion; showing us her humored response instead of telling us. (but I am sure that I did the same thing)
“Inhaling the fresh earthy air she realized she was actually enjoying herself. “
You need a comma after “air”
I hope my comments are useful.
Another good chapter, though there were some little inconsistencies. I learned a lot about Sophie, but I don't feel like I have a good grip on her personality yet, probably because I haven't seen her interact with anyone but the wolf. But you've still got good momentum with the story.
Nits:
**for endless [of] hours about everything
**reaching past her back. {you mean past her waist?}
**The beast inched forward(,) its claws digging
**"My champion, your guardian. He will keep you safe." {who says this?}
**She drummed her freshly manicured fingernails {Ok, I think her parents died when she was sixteen and then we would have been in foster care till she was eighteen. I also thought that he parent dies just three years before, so she would only be nineteen. No college education to speak of. So I’m wondering where she gets the money for manicures and a luxury apartment?}
**an awfully [a] lot
** “I’m losing my mind. I’m talking to a wolf and worse, he’s actually responding,” she said, shaking her head.
“I’m not going up there. Let me down! We are supposed to be looking for the girl, remember?” {she’s not going up where?}
**she said screamed as he jumped over {said, or screamed? which one?}
Great chapter! Fav: The harmonic rhythm of the waterfall played in her ears like a wonderful symphony, accompanied by the rustling of animals rooting in the underbrush, and birds chirping their morning songs. Inhaling the fresh earthy air she realized she was actually enjoying herself.
You excel in what I lack in descriptions!
Elaine
Tina DC Hayes