1972

Jackie knelt quietly on the stones. She never cried anymore with her punishment. She never cried at all. She had spent so many years on these stones, carried so many scars in her heart and on her knees, she didn’t think she would ever feel afraid again. The emotions that now fumed within her were anger and hatred. The little girl of eight had died long ago.

Something told her she wouldn't survive much longer if things continued the way they were. Even now, as she knelt on the sharp stones and they cut through the fine skin to her kneecaps, she paid them little mind. She now spent her time on the stones dreaming of her escape.

She had grown weary of her aunt’s threats, so tired of the whippings with the willow branch. Her parents were barely a memory now. She supposed her aunt had beaten the images out of her.

Her dream of escaping had to become a reality, and it had to be tonight. She made so many plans over the last year, ran them through her mind so many times. She couldn’t fail. It wasn’t an option.

She planned on waiting until Ma'am was asleep to collect her stash of money from its hiding place. She hoped it was enough to get her to Tucson. What was left after buying the bus ticket had to last until she found Kelly’s Diner.

Fourteen miles to the bus station. Three hours to get there.  There would be no calling a taxi. Not enough money for it, and no taxi driver would allow a young girl into his cab late at night without suspicion.

She was apprehensive, but her anger spurred her on. She was going to Arizona to find Kelly’s Diner and her father's friend, Kelly Joseph. She learned a lot about him from his letters. Three of the letters she stashed in her suitcase to show him, knowing it would bring credence to her story.

She already had a suitcase packed. It was the same old suitcase she had when she arrived to live with Ma'am. It didn't matter that it wasn't a large suitcase. Jackie didn't have much to pack.

Thoughts of the suitcase concerned her. Ma'am would never have a reason to look in it. (It did cross Jackie’s mind that her aunt was vindictive enough to check the suitcase periodically.) The money she found lying in the bottom of her aunt’s purse, coins mostly, she put it in a paper bag and stashed it under the mattress.

Her heart jumped.

The money! How could she be so stupid? In her panic, she had not given the money a second thought. Ma’am locked her in the garage and was in the house. She could go upstairs at any time, go into Jackie's bedroom, grab up the dirty laundry, and decide to flip the mattress. If she flipped the bedding, Ma’am would find the money. Jackie could not even fathom what the punishment would be for stealing.

Suddenly, her anger was replaced by a fear mounting to near terror. She grew sick to her stomach and thought she might vomit. At the click of the latch on the garage door, she felt faint, but she forced herself to breathe deeply and evenly. She was afraid to look up at the old woman.

"Get up," Ma'am said.

Jackie's legs would not move at the command.

"I said, get up." The impatience was plain in Ma'am's voice. "Now."

She managed to rise to her feet, her legs shaking. She faced Ma'am squarely but kept her eyes averted to the ground.

"Follow me." Her aunt turned her back on Jackie and left the garage.

Jackie felt sick but stayed close behind her.

"You’re a little old to be pissing the bed, don't you think?" Ma'am scolded as they walked from the garage. “It’s time you get it under control. If I would have known...well, never mind.”

Her face flamed as her aunt belittled her again about a condition Jackie had no control over. She knew it wouldn’t do any good to say so.

Her room was the same as when she left it, and Jackie stifled her cry of relief.  The soiled sheets, bedspread, and nightclothes were still in the corner. The mattress was still in place. Ma'am stood in the doorway, waiting for her to enter.

"I want you to get the baking soda from the kitchen and sprinkle this mattress. Take these filthy sheets to the laundry while you're at it. I'm sure you know the drill by now." Ma'am finished the sentence with the "it's about time" tone in her voice that she always used to criticize Jackie. "When you come back, we'll take care of this mattress. We'll have to flip it once it dries."

So relieved that Ma'am had not touched her room, Jackie sent up a silent prayer as she carried the laundry to the basement. Her plan to escape was still her plan after all. Her escape, which had almost seemed an impossibility a moment ago, had now fallen back into place.

Planting her elbows on the washer, she lowered her head to her hands and breathed deeply. Her head had started to pound. She had to calm herself down.

Slowly, she loaded the washer, added the soap, and set the dial. She stood for a minute until the washer started to agitate, then closed the lid and started back up the stairs.

In the kitchen, she wasted no time retrieving the baking soda from the pantry. She glanced briefly up the stairs, her ears straining to hear any sound from her room. She heard nothing. With dread, she climbed the stairs. She stopped in the doorway, her eyes wide.

Ma'am had the top mattress lifted off the bed and leaned up against the dresser. She had one hand on the bedpost, the other on her chest. Beads of sweat stood out on her forehead. Her gaze slowly left the bag of coins hidden there, focused on Jackie, then traveled back to the bag.

Jackie held her breath, waiting for Ma'am to scream, to hit her. But Ma’am only let go of the bedpost and lifted the paper lunch sack filled with the stolen money. She shook the small bag, then opened it and peered inside.

Other than the deep breath she drew, she showed no other reaction. Her eyes stayed on the bag of coins as she spoke. "Finish this room," she ordered, her voice trembling with forced calm. "Then meet me in the kitchen. I’ll be getting breakfast ready.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Jackie said, her voice a whisper.

Their breakfast usually consisted of oatmeal and toast. This morning the table was laden with crisp bacon, scrambled eggs, toast, and coffee. It was not like Jackie’s aunt to lavish her with such an extravagant meal. Her stomach was still tied up in knots from the thunderstorm the previous night, the lost sleep, the stones, and now the worry over Ma'am's discovery.

Even though the smell made her mouth water and her stomach growl, Jackie had to force herself to eat.

She carried a terrible feeling the rest of the day. Ma’am wasn’t herself. Not only did she make a big breakfast for just the two of them, she hadn’t said a word about the money. Jackie spent the rest of the day not knowing what to expect.

She knew, even without the help of the bag of coins, she had to go. She had to go tonight.

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