The first time he saw her, Brad was lying on a gurney in the burn unit of St. Josephs Riverside Hospital, the left side of his body coated in a sticky gel. The dripping fluid from the IV in his arm made everything fuzzy. His eyes surveyed the room through the haze. The bright fluorescent bulbs suspended from the ceiling gave off a low him. He could hear the beeping of machines and voices speaking in low tones. He smelled floor wax and disinfectant.
He turned his head. There was a girl on the gurney beside him. She was sleeping. He could see what he thought was a long white blanket covering her arms. He blinked several times, then his eyes grew heavy, and he fell into a deep sleep.
When he next awoke, it was because of the excruciating pain in his left leg. He thought the nurse that appeared at his side was an angel. She touched his arm and he felt a pinch, then the pain disappeared. She wiped the tears from his face and the snot from his nose, then she stroked his hair before floating away. He tried to thank her, but he couldn’t speak, and she left before he could. His eyes moved to the other gurney again. The sleeping figure was still there. Brad closed his eyes, content.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he next became fully awake. His left leg throbbed painfully. His skin felt itchy. He tried to scratch his arm, but he couldn’t move. He peered through the fog at his legs. The one that throbbed was in a large cast and suspended by drawstrings hooked to the bed. His arms were strapped to the sides of the bed. He pulled at the straps to see how far his arms would go. It wasn’t very far. He couldn’t even scratch his nose.
He glanced over at the bed beside him. The girl still slept beside him. Brad wished he could see her better, but he was too far away. Maybe she would wake up soon and he could talk to her. He couldn’t keep his eyes open long enough to wait.
His days and nights continued on the merry-go-round of sleeping, agonizing pain, needles in his butt, and more sleep. Brad had no idea how long this cycle had gone on, but one day, he opened his eyes and his surroundings were unfamiliar. He automatically rolled his head to the side. The room was different. There were no brilliant lights shining in his eyes, no beeping of machines, no low voices. The girl was gone, too.
“No,” he whispered, the disappointment plain in his voice.
I'm completely rewriting this chapter so this will be continued.....
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Hey, KL. Do the events in this chapter take place after 1968? And I'd thought Brad's mother was deceased. Hope I'm not offending you, but I am somewhat confused. That said, this remains a very intriguing story. I expect that one day Brad will find Jackie.
Or wait - this chapter took place entirely in '65. That would make sense: his mother would still be alive. Plus, sometimes people are in comas a VERY long time, but THREE years??? It appears, too, that Brad and Jackie were in accidents at or around the same time. I should've inferred things...
If I'm off anywhere, feel to correct me. I want to make sure I'm fully tracking with the story.
CHEERS!!!!
Mike
Author
Reply
Brad and Jackie's accidents take place at the same time. Brad's father is killed in the accident, his mother dies 3 years later. Jackie's not in a coma for 3 years, just a short time.
I wouldn't be offended by your questions. It shows me that I might need to move things around a bit. Someone else has made the same comment.
Never think I would be offended by your comments. I see them as constructive.
Thank you!
KL
Hey, KL. Do the events in this chapter take place after 1968? And I'd thought Brad's mother was deceased. Hope I'm not offending you, but I am somewhat confused. That said, this remains a very intriguing story. I expect that one day Brad will find Jackie.
Or wait - this chapter took place entirely in '65. That would make sense: his mother would still be alive. Plus, sometimes people are in comas a VERY long time, but THREE years??? It appears, too, that Brad and Jackie were in accidents at or around the same time. I should've inferred things...
If I'm off anywhere, feel to correct me. I want to make sure I'm fully tracking with the story.
CHEERS!!!!
Mike
Whoops, I read Chapter 4 before reading the others. Oh well!
This is a good chapter, with a lot of drive and energy. The characters have a good feel to them, and they emote quite well--which is something that is difficult. Emotion must not only carry, it must be believable.
Recovery from an accident is a long, painful process, and you've captured it quite well.
Good job!
Lawrence
Author
Reply
Thank you Lawrence!! KL
Hey, KL. I think that Jackie needs to be unique in her appearance. She's striking and pretty, but maybe add a thing or two that enhances her noticeability and yet is tied to the story's "engine."
A scar that is not disfiguring, but somehow highlights her overall beauty. Maybe a birthmark or a wound, but maybe i has a kind of supernatural power to it. That's just one idea, though.
The eyes. Make them sparkle and show a LOT of emotion. Have her as one who can paint a picture with her eyes alone!
Her voice...maybe make it little more mature and very expressive, as though she'd be an excellent vocalist or actress.
Use facial expressions. The way her lips might sweetly curl when smiling.
I know she's very young here, but even children, some, have very interesting ways, mannerisms, airs, etc., as we know.
Make her nonverbally reach out to Brad with a beckoning, gaze, with loveliness and kindness that more than haunt Brad.
I will try to monitor this chapter and see where you take it. Don't worry too much. I'm having a VERY hard time trying to create a decent or good contest entry.
As we know, when we're worried, we can't write with flow. We're not able to "go with it," as it were.
Too, I also advise Ann or someone how they deal with "blocks."
Blocks are a mutherfutter!!!!
Hope this helps; please keep me in the proverbial loop!!!!
Mike
I'll see if I can come up with other ideas or "guides," if you will.
Author
Reply
Hi, Mike. I read this post this morning and spent the day pondering over it. After thinking about it, it finally hit me how right you are! When I first wrote this book I was 15 going on 25. LOL All my characters had to be "beautiful". But now that I'm (much) older, I can see exactly what you mean and I started getting excited about it. Now I'm majorly excited. I think I can move forward now.
Her voice...maybe make it a little more mature and very expressive, I like this idea. I think I know what I'm going to do with it.
A scar that is not disfiguring, but somehow highlights her overall beauty. .. I love this. I know what I can do with it now.
The eyes. Make them sparkle and show a LOT of emotion. Have her as one who can paint a picture with her eyes alone! You bet! I can't thank you enough for all of these ideas! I'm going back to work!
Thank you, Mike
Cheers!!!
KL
Meant to say ASK Ann and/or others how THEY deal with blocks.
We know that many people's voices get higher and lower, depending on circumstances, emotions, etc. Make Jackie's voice the kind that's kind of mothering when someone's even slightly "off." Make Describe her eyes when she's experiencing any emotion: fear, anger, surprise, amusement. SHOW, don't tell. Really make her stand out!
Not easy, I know, but basically LET the chapter come; DON'T force it; it won't if you do or it'll continue to dissatisfy. Let yourself relax and free wheel on paper ideas about Jackie..."plug in" all categories and see if you can heighten her charisma and personality.
Not saying she's boring, but once you have a character who's nothing less than remarkable and THERE, you've got a bargaining chip and you can more easily develop the story.
Regarding plotting, if your characters decide, then I'd say you're set. But if you're more of a logical type, then of course you've got to really plan!
But I tend to think you're a bit more about character-plotting; I don't really know you, but it seems, somewhat, that your characters DO write the stories, a fair amount.
Mike
Author
Reply
But I tend to think you're a bit more about character-plotting; I don't really know you, but it seems, somewhat, that your characters DO write the stories, a fair amount.
You're absolutely right. I've tried so many times to do outlines and all they do is hinder me.
I want to thank you for all of the comments. I think my dry spell might be over. and it's all because of your help!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
KL
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