Book by: Derek Atkins
Genre: Thrillers
Mosquito
Chapter One
Automatic gunfire peppered the top of the gully just shy of Drew Michaels, spraying sand into his eyes, blinding him. Driven to his knees, Drew collapsed against the paltry barrier of sand that separated him from the Somali soldiers. They were closing on him quickly. His mind screamed at him, you’re going to die!
Drew clawed at his eyes, digging his fingers deep into the corners, trying desperately to clear his vision. Tears and blood tracked his cheeks; the tears were because of the sand, the blood had been oozing from his eyes, nose, and ears since early morning.
A fresh burst of bullets downed a spindly shrub a dozen yards ahead. It shredded into a ghostly fan of leaves and bark, the debris hanging in the air for a moment before raining back to the desert. The staccato report of gunfire was much closer now. They were boxing him in.
Drew looked for a way out of the gully, toward the open desert and away from his pursuers. The waning sun cast an ominous red sheen on the desolate dunes. There was nothing that offered protection. Only more of the same god-awful red sand as far as the eye could see.
He couldn’t believe his life would end like this…never like this. Not at thirty. Not end in some foreign, flea-infested desert at the end of a rifle. He was just a few years out of his residency, barely accustomed to being called Doctor. His whole life was just beginning.
The strength he mustered hours ago had been fleeting, scavenged away by the intense heat. The last of it now drained quickly, as fast as the sweat that roiled off of his body. The slim hope he held at the onset of his journey came crashing down as he panted for breath against the bank, awaiting the inevitable. Perhaps a bullet would be better after all. He would in all likelihood die from the virus anyway, several of his colleagues already had. A bullet might be more merciful.
More gunfire. Bullets whined overhead like angry wasps seeking purchase, finding none. The sounds of running boots were all around him now, waiting for the rabbit to flush from his hole. But there was no run left in this rabbit. Sick, exhausted, hopeless…this rabbit would wait for the wolves.
Drew fumbled out a note from his front pocket, the note he had hoped to deliver to a U.N. soldier, a Red Cross worker…somebody. It was a plea for help. The virus they had been asked to investigate overcame them all. Drew grimly recognized the irony of his situation. Soldiers of the country who had asked for help against a rampant outbreak of disease, their disease, were now trying to kill him. Wasn’t it enough that they were dying already?
There was a chance that he could have saved his friends if he were faster, smarter. If he had only left sooner. If he had only been lucky…
If only…
His hopes dwindled against the stark reality of failure.
He considered for a moment burying the note in the sand, and then thought better of it. It would be better to keep it on his body. His body! The words echoed in his head. His throat tightened as he pictured a grim scene of a cadaver…his own. He began to shake violently, overcome by emotion.
The entire world erupted in the next instant; exploding sand, scrambling boots, screaming voices, a rifle-butt crack to the side of his head. Drew went down face first, but did not lose consciousness. A brilliant whiteness flashed before his eyes at the blow, and then his vision tunneled. An internal roar replaced the sound of shouting soldiers. Drew felt a limp mockery of himself being pulled upright.
Bordering on the brink of consciousness, he was roughly held vertical by two men, one under each arm. He tried to hold his head upright, but could not. A third soldier fisted a handful of Drew’s blond hair from behind, jerking his head skyward.
Gibberish floated around him, perforating the roar in his ears, being more kindred with flavors, or perhaps scents wafting about him than actual speech. Drew understood none of it. He did understand the gun pressed against his forehead. And the eyes. The eyes of his would-be killer were as ebony as his skin. Darkness within darkness, red-rimed black orbs that demanded attention. The face of the Reaper.
English! …the ebony eyes… no, the killer, was speaking to him in faltering English.
“Back! You will go back now!” The Somali soldier withdrew the pistol from Drew’s face and waved at his captors to start moving. He was obviously the leader. Through the roar in his head, Drew heard the commander bark out something akin to orders, and the two holding him jerked him toward the top of the gully.
“No! You don’t understand. Let me go!” Drew could barely make out his own words over the roar in his throbbing head. He twisted with more force than even he expected, and shook off one of his captors. The commander had his automatic pistol under Drew’s chin in the next instant.
“This will take your head off!” the commander growled through gritted teeth. “No matter to me…more easy maybe, huh?”
“You don’t want to do this. I’ll kill you and all your men.” Drew stared directly into those horrible ebony eyes. His voice didn’t waiver, in fact was unnaturally calm. The commander looked puzzled for a moment, and then slowly bared his brilliant white teeth in amusement and began laughing in a deep baritone. He shouted gibberish to the surrounding soldiers and they began to laugh as well.
“My men and I are frightened.” The commander laugh-spoke the words, turning his head, enjoying the men’s laughter. “We should give up now. No?”
One soldier shouted something, and the commander nodded in agreement. The commander abruptly pulled the pistol from under Drew’s chin, and then offered it to him in mock surrender. This brought more snickering from the men. The commander pouted his lips and then feigned terror; the men roared at the charade.
And then, in a blur of motion, the commander shoved the automatic back under Drew’s chin, deeper now, practically lifting him to his toes. Drew grimaced in pain. “I think I will kill you now,” the commander said, matter-of-factly.
“If you pull the trigger,” Drew gasped, “you and your men will die.”
The commander leaned close to Drew. “I hear no chopper…no Blackhawk. America is a far away. No…I think only you will die today!” The soldiers holding Drew leaned away, no doubt expecting gore to fly any second.
“If you pull that trigger, you’ll spray my blood all over your men. Some of my blood will vaporize and you’ll no doubt breathe some of it in. It won’t take much, less than the size of a needle-point. But it’ll be enough. In two days, maybe three…you’ll all be just as dead.”
*****
© Copyright 2025 Derek Atkins. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
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Good morning, Derek Atkins! To answer your question: the first chapter in your novel is enough to pique this reader's interest. The premise is intriguing. The setting is exotic. You get off to a running start with fast-paced action. There is rising tension that makes the reader eager to turn the page. It is well written. Write on. Sonny
Excellent writing. Not since Norman Mailer's treatise on war in "Naked and the Dead," have I read such gut-wrenching descriptions of battle and the threat of death. My hat is off to you. Your hook at the end is clever and well executed. Where is the next chapter? As a fellow writer, I am in awe of your ability to describe with such a fresh and unique sense of language. Well done.
What an excellent start to a thriller, Derek! Straight in with the action, beautifully described, tying us emotionally to this doomed man. If Drew were capable of telling us this story, I feel this is exactly how he would do it. And you have woven in the small amount of back-information we need almost without us noticing you doing it.
One sentence stands out for me in a chapter full of outstanding sentences: 'Not end in some foreign, flea-infested desert at the end of a rifle.' It conveys information way beyond what it says.
And it is all told with an easy rhythm that fits so well with the action and the situation.
On first reading I did get the impression you were getting a bit self-indulgent about a third to a half of the way through, but when I re-read it to put my finger on it I couldn’t find anything to worry about, unless maybe it's: 'The slim hope he held at the onset of his journey came crashing down as he panted for breath against the bank, awaiting the inevitable. Perhaps a bullet would be better after all. He would in all likelihood die from the virus anyway, several of his colleagues already had. A bullet might be more of a mercy killing.' It was just an impression but you may want to know about it.
A few minor nitpicks, that may not mean anything:
'The tears were from the sand' - Could you consider 'because of the sand', to make it immediately clear, please?
' A fresh burst of bullets downed a spindly shrub a dozen yards ahead.' - Is 'downed' a word for a third person narrator? Maybe felled?
' Drew went down face first, but he didn't lose consciousness.' - Is this the place for a contraction? 'did not' might fit the feel – and the rhythm - of it better.
' Drew bordered on the brink of consciousness as he was roughly held vertical by two men, one under each arm.' - The previous sentence started with Drew too. Maybe 'he' here?
' A third soldier from behind fisted a handful of Drew's blond hair, jerking his head skyward.' - It's nice and poetic like this, but you may want to consider moving 'from behind' to after 'hair'.
"We should give up now-no?" - The system spoils dashes. You could try, "We should give up now. No?"
'"I think I will kill you now," the commander said, matter-of-fact.' - matter-of-factly?
This is a brilliant start, Derek. Next chapter soon, please.
Thank you.
I'm definitely hooked and want to read more. What a beginning..."Automatic gunfire peppered the top of the gully..." Action, descriptions, emotions, it's all there right from the start. "The blood oozing from his eyes, nose, and ears..." Must be from the virus, because we get no hint that he is injured. You make him very human with his "if onlys." Great hook. I'm impressed!
Hi Derek,
You have a great hooking story here. I think this would definitely pique a reader unless they didn't like this type of story, hell, it may hook them anyway. Great stuff, great writing, felt like I was watching it. You do a wonderful job with the descriptions of action and all the gory stuff too. Can't wait to read more.
Cheers
J
Hi Derek, yes you certainly have the beginning of a novel, which piqued my interest. I don't know if you want me to do a full "edit" on it - I have done so, so tell me if you don't want me to do this again. I haven't read anything that the other reviewers have written, I am coming into this "cold". These are purely suggestions, given in good spirit. Firstly, I would suggestion that you make this para the opening one: "He couldn't believe his life could end like this. Not at just thirty, in some foreign, flea-infested desert at the end of a rifle. He was just a few years out of his residency, barely accustomed to being called Doctor. His whole life was just beginning." I think this would be more dramatic and grab the reader instantly. Now, "gully" is Australian - is Drew an Aussie ? If not, would suggest something more English-sounding. Further down: sugg delete "Nothing provided cover." The next sentence says that better, commas req after "protection." Further down: The strength [he'd] mustered.... Sugg del "draining from him" You have used "draining" twice in a couple of words. Sugg ..."draining quickly, as fast as the sweat that [poured out of his body.] The slim hope that he [had] held..." came crashing down[,] as he panted...." End of para - sugg: A bullet would be more merciful. Next para sugg: The sounds of running boots were all around him now,waiting for the rabbit to flush from the hole." Its' smoother. Next para: "soldiers of the country who [had] asked for help..." Sugg put "Wasn't it enough that they were dying already ?" after "...kill him." Further down: His hopes were all but dashed. (sugg del "now", it is unnecessary. Next para: "...and then thought that it would be better to keep it on his body." Then sugg something like: His throat tightened, as he pictured/imagined the grim sight of his own cadaver." I would also suggest that his will should be ALMOST broken - he's the hero - it shouldn't be completely broken !!!! Next para, last sentence: [He] felt himself being pulled upright." After being bashed over his head, he wouldn't recognise a mockery of himself if he saw it ! Next para: Sugg del "Drew", sugg start sentence with "Bordering on the brink of consciousness, he was roughly held vertical...." " A third soldier fisted a handful of Drew's blond hair..." sugg del "from behind" It's awkward and not necessary.The next para reads awkwardly: Sugg instead of "punctuating", "penetrating" would be a better word. "...against his forehead, and the eyes of his would-be killer as ebony as his skin." It's smoother. Nothing more until : "Drew stared into [his eyes.] His voice didn't waiver. The commander looked puzzled...." Sugg del "in fact was unnaturally calm" etc. The fact that his voice didn't waiver means that it was calm. Last para, last sentence: "In two days, maybe three[,] you'll all be dead." Sugg del "just as" The reader knows this and if the reader doesn't know this, then he/she has not been paying attention LOL I know this is a first draft, so I probably have a nerve editing it like this so tell me not to, if you are upset and I will give a general review from now on. I do think you have a good story here that will work.If you want to make Drew an Aussie, then I am very happy to help with idioms and the mad customs that "us lot" surround ourselves with :)
Hey Derek!
WOW! I'll certainly be back for more! This was excellent work, and a fantastic start to your book.
Since this is my first exposure to your work, I'd like to start by saying, that unless the grammar is glaring, I'll leave it to others to find. I struggle with it myself, and have no business trying to correct anyone. I saw nothing in this that really jumped at me at all. It read very smoothly, and FAST! I was drawn in immediately and captivated the entire way through. Outstanding!
There was one tiny spot where I had a question....you wrote, " Drew went down face first, but he didn't lose consciousness. ".......I was under the impression at this point in the story that Drew was already laying on the ground from ducking the gunfire. I could be wrong...so weigh any change carefully.
You're obviously a talented writer, and it will be a great pleasure to continue reading, and I'll watch for another chapter to come up. This was excellent work. I'll be waiting!
Very intriguing... you should post the next chapter so I can find out what happens next! I love a good adventure story and this one quickly pulled me in. As I read I recall thinking "ah, that's a little rough, I should make a note of that"... but instead I just kept reading because you had my interest in the story... not the little nitpicks.
I look forward to seeing the next installment! I love the title by the way.
Cheers!
Hi Derek,
Before I move on to the review, I would like to say that this novel was the most anticipated project for me to review that any other. I dare say that it is a surprising choice of topic, as I was waiting for your novel based on the best short story written on this site, The Journal. I have practically stopped reviewing because of time constraints based on a new business venture. I will review this novel. Please make sure that I am updated on chapter releases - I do not have a chance to look/see every day if a new chapter is posted.
Review - Good enough beginning. This should be the first part of the first chapter. Either backstory or a sub-plot should be added next. If anything, there is somewhat of a lack of authenticity. You should add some Somali expletives, shouts - something that will make this feel North Africa. This has a feeling of anywhere desert, especially Mid-East.
In the news we get a constant stream of news of roving bands of bandits led by warlords. Here we get an inkling of that. I might suggest playing more to that vision. The encirling of your protagonist has a distinct, orderly military maneuver. So these soldiers seem to have some training and must be the elite forces. That makes outright murder less of a possibility here and English is spoken - extremely rare.
Alan
Hi Derek. This is an excellent opening for a thriller. All kinds of questions and plenty of time to go back and see how he got into this desperate situation. I'm sure it will be explained as you go on, but why would these Somalians be after him if it's known he was working on the horrible disease? It seems like they must be independent guerillas or militia types who have no idea who he is or what he does. If so, why are they after a lone American? Just suspicious because he's a foreigner?
Notes:
The last of it now drained quickly, as fast as the sweat that roiled off of his body. (I think you meant rolled as roiled means to make muddy)...were now trying to kill him. Wasn’t it enough that they were dying already? (that he was dying already? I think you meant, or maybe you were referring to the whole team.) Otherwise, good grammar, few typos. Either you are or your have a good editor. ;)
About what you said in response to my review of your poem. Read whatever you like. I'm working hard on my novel right now, so I haven't been posting poetry or any more short stories as of late. But I like input on anything. Thanks. Danae.
Hello, Derek. I'm Derone. Nice to meet you. I have a very direct, concise review style, but keep in mind everything I say is MY opinion. Use what you can and disregard the rest. I score according to the guidelines of the site. If I give you a 5, it's because I feel minimal effort is necessary for the piece to be ready for the bestseller lists. Without further ado:
Good prose:
Bullets whined overhead like angry wasps seeking purchase, finding none.
More good stuff:
His hopes dwindled against the stark reality of failure.
His throat tightened as he pictured a grim scene of a cadaver…his own.
You may have meant that figuratively, but if the doctor's dying of the Ebola virus (which it seems) they wouldn't even do his body the honor of being a cadaver. Do med school students work on virulent bodies?
He shouted (gibberish) to the surrounding soldiers and they began to laugh as well.
"Gibberish" is a bit of an offensive word to describe a known human language. If the doctor has been in Somalia for a while (which it seems he has) he should be familiar enough with the people and the language to recognize it by name. (Somali, if that's what they call it). The man speaks English, which exhibits a certain degree of civility. Calling their language "gibberish" seems rather insensitive.
This was very intriguing and well-written. Good stuff.
Hi Derek,
Great start! In a very concise first chapter, you've introduced a major character (not sure yet if he's the hero though that's my assumption); set the scene; got the action moving and provided an intriguing bit of back story. Most importantly, you've achieved a forward motion to your story that will draw the reader deeper into your narrative.
Derek, my name is Richard and I'm a fan. Superb pacing and stunning visuals. Your work reminds of Raymond Chandler’s and Clive Cussler’s, the former in terms of intrigue and the latter in stark, brutal scenery. This is ripe to be converted to a screenplay. I’m an action adventure fan from way back. I grew up on Doc Savage, graduated to the Executioner series when raw sex appeal became important to me, and took up Follett and Ludlum when I became interested in how the world works. You have traits in common with all the authors mentioned above. You’re an excellent writer and I complement you on your pacing and the way you develop intensity. I’m on to chapter two now. I’m definitely hooked and intrigued. Keep writing and I'll keep reading and commenting.
Good morning Derek Atkins, Great start! This chapter will certainly get the reader intrigued enough to continue. The introduction, however, is key to this chapter. You may want to consider some way to include part of it in the opening paragraphs.//One minor thing to consider.//"....(flea-invested) consider [God forsaken] or [barren] desert..."//Keep the chapters coming!// Best, Dur Shacho
p.s. if and when you start, begin with chapter six, 'prologue, glossary, characters'
Hi-de-ho Derek! Quite the action packed beginning, with a zinger of an end. Nicely done. Regarding content, pacing, characterization... I think you've nailed it. You worked in enough tidbits about Drew to form him in my mind without overburdening with detail. Excellent.
Since you asked for any and all feedback, I'll give you a full report, but seriously, it's solid as it stands as well.
1. "His mind screamed (at him) you're going to die" Don't need 'at him'... who else would his mind scream at?
2. Because this chapter is heavy on action, scan for 'was' and try to take the sentence more active. I won't name them all, but here are a couple examples: "Tears and blood tracked his cheeks; the tears, (were) because of the sand, the blood, (had been) oozing from his eyes, nose , and ears..." or here: "The staccato report of gunfire (was much) [moved? sounded? seemed?] much closer now." or this: "The sounds of running boots (were all around him now) [surrounded him].... you get the jist, yes?
3. Love the graph beginning, "Gibberish floated around...." Great descriptions... and no, I didn't find it demeaning to the culture. I took it as a result of the blow to the head...
-----
Great stuff. I'll be back..... MODO
Superb. Tense. Action-packed. Psychologically compelling.
off of his body. (drop *of*)
"gibberish" occurs a few times, meaning something not understood. Wouldn't a better word be "foreign phrases"?
The virus is his defense, oddly enough, while it could also kill him. That's a very interesting irony. How can he convince the Somalis of this concept?
Since he is virtually on the brink of death, why is he not more desperate? Why are his thoughts not wandering to his family, people he loves back home? It's a very good start to a novel. Brosna
Derek,
I thought this was an excellent beginning chapter for your novel. It had good action and suspense and it left me wondering what is wrong with the main characters blood. I think there is plenty happening to make any reader want to read on. I found no mistakes, typos or anything at all that I might change. You did a very good job with this chapter and I wish you continued good luck! Keep Writing!!
Mark
Derek, This chapter was amazing. Intense action from the first word, rapid fire delivery all the way and yet you delivered all the elements of an excellent first chapter - introduced the character, gave back story so we know who he is, where he is, and why he's there, dragged us right to the last word and delivered the hook. Shoot me and you die... Editorially if is solid. Only one sentence made me stumble: Gibberish floated around him, perforating the roar in his ears, being more kindred with flavors, or perhaps scents wafting about him than actual speech. imo whacking 'being' and 'perhaps' would smooth it out....mickey
Hey, Derek. Wow! Now that's the way to start a thriller. Great action, great descriptions, great tension and one hell of a hook at the end. The imagery in some of your sentences are marvelous. == A fresh burst of bullets downed a spindly shrub a dozen yards ahead. It shredded into a ghostly fan of leaves and bark, the debris hanging in the air for a moment before raining back to the desert. == Well done! Kat
Thanks for your review of my novel-in progress, Monarch. Now, onto your fine work.
As a first chapter I think there is a bit too much exposition. Cut it down, bring us right into the action and grab us. Maybe start here:
“Back! You will go back now!??? The Somali soldier withdrew the pistol from Drew’s face and waved at his captors to start moving. He was obviously the leader. Through the roar in his head, Drew heard the commander bark out something akin to orders, and the two holding him jerked him toward the top of the gully.
From here on I was riveted. Up until then, I really didn't care. So what if he's dying. I don't know who he is. I'm not invested. You either need to hook us with action and dialogue or character devleopment, IMO.
Also, go back and make your sentences more direct. Phrases like this take us out of the action and put an extra layer in there:
"His mind screamed at him, you’re going to die!" If we are in his mind we don't need to know his mind was screaming at him.
Here's another line:
"The strength he mustered hours ago had been fleeting, scavenged away by the intense heat."
How about changing this to:
His strength was fading (maybe failing) in the hot sun.
I realize this is just a first draft so take my comments for what they are worth. And of course, these are just suggestions.
I look forward to chapter 2.
Hi Derek - Mosquito! - I overlooked this novel when I looked at your mile long list of poetry, though I noticed it when first exploring the site and had meant to go back to it. I'm glad you pointed it out in your reply the other day.
First of all, I love the name - MOSQUITO - makes me tense before even starting, and sets the stage for some hot outdoors adventure.
I also think the summary is enticing, and makes me want to open it up and start reading. You flung me into chaos from the start and pulled me through to the end. Great scenario painting and tension building.
Following are suggestions only, for your consideration:
2nd para: "Tears and blood tracked...since early morning." I tinkered and restructured an alternative - to be junked of course if you don't agree:
"Tears provoked by the flailing grit tracked down his cheeks, mixing with the blood that had been oozing..."
That's because I didn't like the phrase "because of the sand", and also I think this sets off the more important fact that he's bleeding better.
sugg: "...ominous red sheen on the desolate dunes, a landscape (or even moonscape?) that offered no protection, only more..."
"...could have saved his friends if [he'd been] faster, smarter." Instead of "he were faster".
"He began to shake violently, overcome by emotion." Here I think "overcome by emotion" is too general for such a poignant moment, facing his own death - and I would like to see it expanded, ie what kinds of emotion - dread, horror, grief. Maybe it's obvious enough, but it might be more immediate to say something like "...overcome by the horror of it all." Or something like that?
"...held vertical by two men, one [at] each arm." Rather than "under".
"Gibberish floated...actual speech." Comparing sound to smell doesn't work for me here for a couple of reasons: I have to work to visualize the simile, which takes me away from the story, and also the flavors and wafting scents have a pleasant connotation, which jerks me away from the tension of the moment. I would remove the sentence "...being more kindred...actual speech."
I liked "perforating the roar in his ears." I think it's very strong and effective and stand-alone good.
Sugg: "The Somali soldier - he had to be the commander - withdrew the pistol from Drew's face and waved at his captors to start morving. Through the roar in his head, Drew heard the man bark out his orders, and the two holding him jerked him toward the top of the gully."
I think this works "He was obviously the leader" into the flow without a stop. "Something akin to" I think can be removed here - we already know it's a foreign language.
Also there's nothing wrong with "gully" and maybe it's just me, but I think of a gully as being in a wet area, like a rain forest. How about ie: "...top of the wind-carved dune" to be drier sounding.
More sugg: "Drew stared directly into those [terrifying (ie)] ebony eyes. [Amazingly], his own voice didn't [waver (sp)], in fact was unnaturally calm."
"Horrible" is too broad here, I think.
"He shouted [in his alien tongue (ie)] to the surrounding..."
Because you've used "gibberish" above.
"America is (a) far away." I don't know if that's a mistake or to show his bad English. I actually like it as showing his bad English!
"The soldiers holding Drew leaned away to avoid the spray of the gore to come." (ie)
You're not inside the soldiers' minds but you can assume why they leaned away, so I think it's okay to state it as a fact, so you can remove "no doubt expecting" which maybe weakens the flow.
On the last paragraph I would like to see some description before Drew speaks, leading up to the impact of his words. Show him gathering his strength to speak, show his hoarse voice, his efforts to project his words, his struggles to cross the language barrier.
Also as this is the hook, I would maybe break up the last few words into shorter bursts of speech and end something like: "In two days, maybe three... you'll all be like me. You'll be dead." Even italicize dead!
I hope some of this long-winded review is valid for you, Derek. I look forward to reading on!
Zoe.
After reading the Journal, I wasnt sure what to expect from this other than excellent writing. I found a brilliant story with a lot a drama and action. this really is good. The inner monolog of Drew tells the story and puts the reader into the action. Its an interesting way to do that. Fantastic cliff hanger ending. Should be fun finding out about the virus he is carrying and how he solves his dilemna. Excellent start to this.
Hi Derek.
[delete] {add} (comment)
the tears were because of the sand
(This line does not sit easily in the sentence)
You've got a good story here and this is a great opeing chapter.
However a lot of the time it felt as if you were telling me the story rather than letting me experence it. Its got a kind of third person feel to it which disconnects the reader from the story. I also noted that you used the word HE a lot. I would go through the text and change some of these for the characters name, particularly at the start of paragraphs.
All that said, you have something here and I'll be back for more.
Derek, this was awesome! It really gave me the thrill & pleasure of having just started a great story. So many great moments.
>> It shredded into a ghostly fan of leaves an bark, the debris hanging in the air for a moment before raining back into the desert.
>> Bullets whined overhead like angry wasps...
>> Darkness within darkness, red-rimed black orbs that demanded attention.
And many, many more.
My only tweak - and it is so trivial I'm almost embaraseed to offer it:
>> ...You'll all be just as dead."
Maybe just "you'll all be dead."
Looking forward to the next chapter.
WOW! Now this is really good. Why haven't I read any of your work before now? I mean, it only took you telling us you were going to leave for me to search and find your work.
Now, to this chapter. This must be some mean virus this doctor has and is it in Africa? Also, and I know I will find this out when I read the next chapter, does this commander want this doctor to go back and help his people?
This is really good.
Susan
I am very impressed! Excellent opener. And now with ebola the terror of the world, this is very timely.
Will Drew survive? My biggest disappointment is that I only see two chapters posted. I hope there is more. I now must add you to my reading list.
I saw no nits to pick. One possible, but I let it slide as maybe just being the Somali's dialect.
Janet
I noticed you first posted this chapter six years ago, which is impressive that you had a viral outbreak that sounds like Ebola, and the hot zone is in Africa. If you'd placed this young doctor in Western Africa, I'd be addressing you as Derek the Gypsy Seer. :) The action was good from the start, but I wondered what all the shooting was about, since their original purpose seemed to be taking him back to wherever they'd come from; then the commander gets pissed and considers shooting the doctor in the head. I'm thinking the Somalis surely know the symptoms of this virus, and Michaels has blood oozing from his face, so I wonder why they went after him in the first place, seeing how he was doomed in the desert, and why they'd want to bring an infected man back to their hometown. This is why they write chapter twos, and I see I have one. It's been forever since I read The Journal, so it's good to have you posting again.
A fresh burst of bullets downed a spindly shrub... ** "downed" sounds off. maybe "clipped"?
Drew felt a limp mockery of himself being pulled upright. ** this could be worder better because I didn't get the "limp mockery" bit.
...red-rim(m)ed black orbs that demanded attention...
later, nathan
Author
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Hey Nathan
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing this beginning chapter. You have posed some very insightful questions that are spot on. I hope that as the story progresses those issues will resolve themselves, but they will be forefront on my mind during the rewrite. I appreciate your willingness to point out the possible logic breaks.
I do wish I had this finished before now, "I could'a been a contend'a"!! Now I'll look as just another Johnny-come-lately, piling on. What do ya do?
Derek
Drew have my full attention all the way. I want to know more about him and continue to follow his journey to the very end and the other as well. For Dr. Maxwell I'm going to keep a close on him to see how I feel about him. I have my suspects list ready to go.
I want to buy the book to add to my book collection. Keep me informed. More power to your writings.
Sonny