Good afternoon, Derek Atkins! Excellent continuation. You've jumped right into the central premise. You've got a good set-up, a quick, engrossing complication and you're raising the tension to fever pitch. Just a few minor points you overlooked, mostly to do with overwriting. Take the eighth paragraph, for instance: "The commander no longer kept control of his expression however, his jaw muscles clenching and releasing ("releasing" or "relaxing"?) repeatedly. Drew noticed, but could not tell if this was good or bad." Don't you think it would be better to do away with the second sentence altogether? Why "tell" your readers what Drew noticed - and, particularly, why say what he could not tell. Better to say what he could than what he could not tell. You've set the scene. Let your readers interpret Drew's reaction for themselves. It's much more effective. // A point of logic. In the sentence: "Drew realized at that moment the automatic pistol no longer pressed against his flesh, but now hovered lower, pointing ominously at his chest." If the pistol was pressed against his chest, it was still pressed against his flesh, so it might have been better to write: "Drew realized...the pistol was no longer aimed at his head, but now..." // [Drew was helpless to resist as] they dragged him toward the wreckage, his shoes leaving snake trails in the dust. The phrase in brackets is clutter. Suggest: "They dragged him...wreckage. His shoes left...dust." // "The REMAINING men gathered their gear and stowed it into the REMAINING SUV's." You might want to avoid repeating the same words in close proximity to each other. // In general, try to keep from "telling" what you can "show." In particular, keep out of your protagnist's mind. Let his behavior (or the dialogue) show what he is feeling or thinking. Don't clutter your fine descriptions with "empty phrases." // How considerate of you to leave a few minor flaws in your writing. Makes me feel good, as if I were doing my job. Above all, keeps me from struggling to keep down my envy. Thanks, Sonny

the wait for this chapter was well worth it. You have an uncanny knack to throttle us with visceral reality, and at the same time, massage us with an intellectual/spiritual consideration for that part of war that usually glossed over. Your writing is clear, precise and yet open enough to allow discovery for the reader. I so enjoy the reading between the lines. Well done. Don't take so long for the next chapter now. You have hunger out here that needs satiation. Carpe Diem.

Hi Derek,

This is the way to write chapters on tnbw because of how ratings are ranked on novels, but in reality all you care about is getting the proper review that will change your view of what you wrote and make it better. This is part two of Chapter One.

Review - I agree with Sonny on over-writing certain sections, but that will change on the second draft.

When we think of soldiers in the US, or in the West, we think of them as coming from all parts of the nation-state. Here troops are tribal. Warlords are tribal leaders - a distinct difference in composition of regulars. You have an English speaking leader of the band of soldiers. I suggest having him yell some orders. There is a lack of comraderie of soldiers here that combat will bring to any unit. The orders should be in the native language with English translations.

Tension is excellent here.

Alan

Hi Derek, firstly you're bubbling along well ! Now for the nitty gritty:
I would suggest that - contrary to what the other reviewers have said - you need to HEIGHTEN tension in this chapter- particularly in the first part. In the first para I think there would be a shocked stand-off for a few seconds in which they would hear each other panting heavily. Lips would be licked nervously, teeth probably bared, they'd both be pouring with sweat and flies would be hanging around their faces. Don't know if you've been to Africa, but I lived there three years and believe me - bush flies would be around !The commander has leaned close to Drew and his breath would be stinking, probably of the local brew, certainly of halitosis. His teeth would be a combination of gleaming white and peripherally stained. The rims of his eyes would be red from smoking dacca (the demon weed). All these little bits will add up to the whole of the atmosphere. And yes, he would scream at his men in the local dialect (kibajuni, chimiini or maay) with a mixture of Arabic and Portuguese. There would be a lot of hawking and spitting and nose/sweat wiping on their clothes. You will need to set up the area that this is all taking place. Mogadishu is the only capital in the world where humanitarian medical staff are not allowed in, (international ones) so he would need to be there with some special troup set up for the occasion.(actually you mention that they have been invited in but there needs to be more detail here. ) It is unlikely that the commander would have no idea at all about the virus. In Africa - no matter where - news travels with the people who constantly cross borders to work in the mines, trains passing from one country to another, and if the commander lived on the outskirts, then he would definitely have heard all about it. Certainly he would have heard about it on a CD radio or mobile phone. You could have the commander aware of the virus but, think it is a political rouse or something like that - until he sees the blood of course which you have done very well. Next para: The bit with the ears bleeding. I doubt that that would worry the commander and Drew has not explained what the symptoms are at this point. Next para: Suggest" "Drew struggled to calm himself.... and talk, dammit, talk !" be the start of this para. Next para: The words tummbled over Drew's tongue - in other words he was babbling. Sugg del "fell from his lips" Then sugg, "The commander was watching him like a hawk" or words to that effect. "His eyes would no longer lock with Drew's" suggest he wouldn't make eye contact. Further on: "The commander could not stand still, becoming a creature of motion" Awkward, and "paced back and forth in front of Drew, saying nothing, apparently in deep turmoil." Very pedantic - needs tightening up and being less literary. Now for the last page as I have it printed out: I feel that you have lost the urgency here. "The commander pointed the pistol at Drew's face..... It [had] all seemed too important then..... in the clinic [making] a name for himself." Somehow this paragraph is too literary. Too carefully written, and definitely using Drew's name too often. Last para: I think they would be very careful about touching Drew, in fact they would gesture for him to climb into the SUV with their rifles. Somali's, like most Africans are terribly superstitious etc and they wouldn't touch him with a bargepole once they were convinced that he was contaminated with some dreadful virus. This whole chapter needs to read with breathless anticipation. I think the concept is great - it's mundane details and local knowledge that you need to immerse yourself in, as well of the politics of the region. I'm leaving a message for you on Writing Feedback. :)

Hey Derek!

Glad to see this next chapter, or as Dmbal says the continuation of the initial scene. It is a minor drawback of the site to have to split a very good scene into two chapters in order to post it, but it all comes out well either way.

The scene here is wonderfully tense, and I was pleased with the few men who the commander sent away. The weather or atmosphere there is very accurately portrayed, as I have waaaay to much familiarity with it. Especially Djibouti, I've been there a number of times for brief stays of a few days each time. The best part of being there was the ride home. Whew!

I liked a great deal of the comments by one of your other reviewers to add to the whole picture...Tiny details like that would definitely enhance the experience for someone who isn't familiar with the surroundings, or the regions hostility.

As a whole...the two chapters are an easy five for me, and I'll look forward to more.

Talk to ya soon.

I am enjoying this story very much, and can't wait until you get into details of the virus. This does strike me as the second half of chapter 1.
"But continued his piercing gaze into Drew's eyes, (inches apart.) [which were only inches away.] It confused me, and I think something like this will help.
The commander examines Drew carefully. He wouldn't be concerned about him, but he would be looking for any sign of illness. So, I think this is important and well done.
We get to know Drew a little better, his wife, Lynda, his past, and his care for people, even for these soldiers who have hurt him. A true doctor.
Wonderful!

You were correct. Most of my questions in the first chapter were answered here. I'm too impatient, I know. You've got a lot of gems of descriptive sentences, such as this one: "Black smoke billowed from the top as fire licked skyward through a myriad of bullet holes and broken glass." Nice. Tortoise metaphor for the truck was good too. I've got a lot of notes for you, but don't be overwhelmed. Mostly minor things for you to consider...streamlining you know. Thanks for a great, action-filled read. Plenty of drama and suspense and humanity surfacing in the characters.

Notes:
However blood dribbling from both ears had no easy explanation. (comma after however)"You don't live in the city, do you? ...Mogadishu, I mean. You live on the outskirts, not in the city." Drew struggled to calm himself. Maybe he could reason with this man, although the chance was slim. Calm down! Catch a little air and talk, dammit, talk! "No, you couldn't live in the city or you'd already have heard about the sickness. Haven't you heard of the people that are sick?" The words tumbled over Drew's tongue and fell from his lips. Anything that came to mind flowed out. The commander's face gave away nothing. He continued his inspection, a slow and methodical gleaning. "Hundreds are sick, women and children mostly. We're not sure why yet...we haven't had enough time." He's not listening! "I'm a doctor...we were asked to come here." Drew fought against anxiety, his voice rising in pitch. "People are dying in Mogadishu!" (All four of these paragraphs could be combined into one, as I've done, since it's all Drew speaking...which wasn't clear to me at first.)The commander no longer kept control of his expression however, his jaw muscles clenching and releasing repeatedly. (You also need a comma before "however" and I think you're trying to say, "The commander could no longer keep control..." The final part of the sentence seems to be missing a "were" between "muscles" and "clenching." Lastly, the latter part seems to confirm the former, so you might say, "The commander could no longer keep total control of his expression, however, his jaw muscles were clenching and releasing repeatedly as in an attempt to mask his fear." or something like that...up to you.)"You are a liar! Clever words will not help you! You are CIA, not doctors. This is why we bring you back, you are a spy!" (I understand why you italicized the word "spy" but not "You are a liar!" The exclam. point was sufficient for emphasis)Something connected in Drew's subconscious; an intuition, an understanding of events. (Since the latter part of the sentence is not a complete sentence in and of itself, I think you want dashes instead of a semicolon)The Somali's had taken (Somalis, since it's a basic plural, not possessive--I do it all the time)A half dozen ragged soldiers (half-dozen) shirts, waited their approach. (Either waited for or awaited their approach.)The commander barked orders and Drew was thrown to the ground within the circle of heat from the burning Toyota. Drew struggled to sit up, turning his back to the flames. (I don't know why, but right here I suddenly remembered that Drew was bleeding from and had sand in his eyes in the last chapter. You might want to mention his blurred vision again, unless his tears have washed them clean. But still, if it's the disease, they'd still be bleeding and it'd be bothering him). Once again Drew (comma after "again")*Watch your use of ellipses. I'm noticing that about every paragraph or two, you have a set, and unless they're a part of dialogue, I've been told that publishers frown on them. It's better to use a dash, dashes, or a colon if you can.* But within a few minutes the six soldiers (You at least need a comma after "minutes" if not also after "But") ...soldiers that had stayed with the SUV's....The remaining men gathered their gear and stowed it into the remaining SUV's. (In these two examples, it's another case of the plural vs. possessive. I know SUV is an acronym, but I don't think the apostrophe is standing as a contraction filling in missing letters, so it's just SUVs or SUVees...but the latter looks wrong.)

Wow! You've got me hooked. I'm not going to waste your time with the grammar stuff, others have done that.
I will say however, that I like where the "first chapter" ended and the second began. Yes, the second is a continuation of the scene from the first, but you had me immediately "turning the page" to find out what happened. It is a classic example of a page turner.
Most people will say, "Ok, I'm going to finish this chapter and then I'll go to bed." (or to do the laundry, or whatever) Not with that cliff-hanger they won't.
Excellent start. I can't wait to read more.

I’m sorry to have been so slow to read this chapter Derek. I’ll ask to become a fan of yours so it doesn’t happen again. This is too good to wait any longer than necessary for. I haven’t read other reviews, so apologies if I repeat or oppose any of them.

This is a brilliant continuation of this tense situation. Drew may well still be doomed, but he’s doing what he came for and saving as many as he can. I love that. The two chapters together make an extremely powerful start (That’s not a request to merge the chapters; I trust your sense of the need to take a break there.) The tension when Drew thought he wasn’t getting through and the unexpressed relief when he did were excellent.

Nitpicking Department:

You started in the commander's POV, then the rest of the chapter is in Drew's. Could you put the inspection into Drew's mind, please, with him trying to interpret the commander's thoughts from the direction of his stare?

'but continued his piercing gaze into Drew's eyes, inches apart.’ - It reads as if you’re telling us Drew's eyes were inches apart. A slight re-word? (especially when one reads the next paragraph)

When told 'hundreds are sick', wouldn’t the commander think of AIDS, which is around already?

If his English is faltering, would he know a word like pathogen (or even virus)? Wouldn’t Drew, even in extremis, try to find an everyday word?

You imply that threatening Drew with burning with the Toyota is blindly following orders. It read to me like a sophisticated response to the threat of death by blood-spatter.

'The commander could not stand still, becoming a creature of motion.' - Is it because I’m reading as a reviewer rather than a reader that 'becoming a creature of motion.' looks odd?

' The doctor's there can work with my serum. ' - Typo: doctors

' He let go of his fear somehow, replaced by a deep sadness. Sadness for his wife Lynda and all their plans left unfulfilled. Remorse for putting her through such a rough marriage, remembering their struggle' - 'Sadness' reads rather childish to me. And 'his wife Lynda' comes over as back-fill. Maybe something like 'replaced by desolation. For Lynda and all their unfulfilled plans. Remorse for putting her through such a rough marriage, and for their struggle…'?

' Drew realized that he didn't hate these men. ' - Maybe, 'He couldn’t hate these men.' for similar reasons to the above and to balance the next 'couldn’t hate'.

The groups of men in the next paragraph seem confusing; maybe 'away from you and the others who've been near me'?

' But within a few minutes the six soldiers that were not exposed clamored into a single SUV' - '…that had not been exposed'?

And two plumes in this paragraph. Maybe, 'which cast the final rays of sunlight into…'

Excellent, Derek. I won't wait so long before reading the next chapter, unless, of course, you impose a wait. Thank you.

Good morning Derek Atkins, Yes, this is going to be a page turner. Your imagery is outstanding. The plot is developing nicely, and more importantly, rapidly. The character development is also proceeding well. Nice touch on having Max not blame his executioners, this creates a new dimension of respect for him. Yeah, Max will be well respected. Keep the chapters coming.//Best, Dur Shacho

Howdy Derek... This is one of those times I wished we had a split rating system. Regarding story progression, it's absolutely a five, but some rough areas tempted me to rate it a four, primarily POV issues.

THis chapter needs to stay firmly rooted inside Drew's head. We need to FEEL the tension one hundred percent. Specifics:

1. In the first paragraph, the last sentence puts us in Drew's POV, he's watching the commander assess him. Next paragraph begins with, "The eyes troubled him." Whose eyes troubled whom? My first inclination, because of the first graph, was to think the eyes of the commander troubled Drew, but then as I read, I figured out you'd switched to the commander POV, pulling me out of the story to try and figure out whose head I was in. Rather than switching, I think the chapter would be stronger if you opened with what the heck is going through Drew's mind. What is he thinking as he watches this commander study him? Put me on the edge...

2. "You don't live in the city do you?..." I didn't know who said this, because the last graph was from the commander, I jumped to him, then figured out it's not so. I think a line preceding this to set up why Drew decides to engage him in conversation would help.

3. Filtering. "Drew realized" "Drew understood" what this does is pull the reader away from tension. Instead of living this with him, you've made us step back and see him from the outside. Keep us in his head.

4. Active/Passive... I know I mentioned this in my last review, but I'll mention it again. Because of the nature of this story, it screams for active language. "...it was clear they were unsure what was taking place" here is a perfect example of a sentence which could A. become more internal from Drew, and B. become more active.

5. Very, very nice description of the burning Toyota. I could see it. How about the other senses? Smell? Smoke burning the eyes? Taste of blood mixed with soot?

6. "try to keep the commander thinking instead of blindly following" I think you might need punctuation between 'thinking instead' ... perhaps an em dash? or even a comma

7. "Drew realized he didn't hate this men." The paragraph prior, he's thinking about his wife. A great way to get rid of the filtering here, is to show us how the shift came about, from thinking about his family to thinking about the men.

8. Another slight POV shift at the end, "the American doctor seated next to him."

______________

I think you have an outstanding early draft. Great action, a character I'm drawn to, a tense situation, a (perhaps) budding friendship between Drew and Nickubu... I'm looking forward to more. posting soon?? MODO

Derek,

Wow! This was another great chapter! Your doing a great job of keeping the story suspenseful and have lots of action. I found one thing that I had a question about below. It’s just something to think about. I think this will turn into a great novel when you are done if you keep going the way you are!! Keep Writing!!

Mark

The commander barked orders to the men; they spun Drew around and manhandled him over the crest of the sand berm [ What is a sand berm? If I don’t know then maybe your readers will not either. Just something to think about. ] .

You had me scared there for a while.
I thought Drew was a goner. The language problem, the suspicions about his possible spy role,
the wound in his head, his hopeless babbling about the virus and where the commander lives, his own viral symptoms, all seem to be pointing in one direction. No exit.
All that poetry writing has served you well in the descriptions of the ruined Toyota and events in the sand.
BEST POETIC PROSE:
Time spun away from his grasp.  He let go of his fear somehow, replaced by a deep sadness.  Sadness for his wife Lynda and all their plans left unfulfilled.   Remorse for putting her through such a rough marriage, remembering their struggle to make ends meet while he was in clinic crafting a name for himself.  It all seemed so important then.

This is well written and holds the reader's attention by fusing poetic language and thoughts with potentially horrible activity. Very unusual combination. Brosna

Derek, I have only one question. Why are there no other chapters? Okay, two questions. If you stopped here, why? This is excellent. You keep the tension high even when there is resolution. I want to read the rest of this. I did find three sentences where I offer suggestion:

It now squatted like a frightened tortoise on the remains of shattered wheels...I'm not sure tortoise gives me a picture of this little pickup all shot up and burning. Can't think of a better description, though.

A half dozen ragged soldiers, some without shirts, waited their approach...I think the verb here would be awaited, but that doesn't really read well, maybe watched.

They were living their lives as best they could. Following a fate set for them before they were born....suggest: living their lives the best they could, following a fate set for them....

mickey

Hi Derek - Sorry, I thought I'd reviewed Chap 2 long time ago, but I just printed it out and made notes and forgot to enter on the computer.

Are you still writing? Where's chapter 3? The last review is pretty old and was ragging at you to carry on. But you mentioned you've got a pretty demanding job - hard to get a word down edgewise, right?!

I'll give you my notes anyway and hope they're helpful:

The POV slips around in the first couple of paragraphs and can be confusing: In para 2 when you say "The eyes troubled him," hard to figure out who you're speaking of until you read further, so should be made clear.

You could even make it from the commander's POV in the beginning, or even throughout the chapter, till the end, when Drew thinks about Lynda?
If so you would have to rewrite - it's just an idea, could be interesting.

You could start, "The Somali commander eased pressure on the gun slightly. He did not back off but continued his piercing gaze into Drew's grey (ie) eyes, eyes that returned the stare with equal intensity.
Something about the prisoner troubled the commander. He inspected..."

PARA 3: Sugg: "Maybe [if he worked hard at it,] he could reason with this man (although the chance was slim)"

PARA 4: Sugg: "The words tumbled [from Drew]. Anything that came to mind flowed out..."

To keep POV consistent, sugg: "Drew could see the commander losing control, the jaw muscles clenching and releasing almost spasmodically, but he could not tell if this was good or bad." (as an example)

Sugg: "He spat the word with venom, but his body language..."

You've used "barked" orders several times and could find alternatives.

Sugg: "Drew struggled to sit up, turning his back to the unbearable heat of the flames. He..." and maybe it's just me but I don't like the word crabbed here. It's an awkward visualization.

"barked gibberish" - maybe find another description, as it's been used in previous chapter.

"Drew felt compelled to try and save their lives if he could, even though they would take his." I think this is what they call telling rather than showing, and is probably unnecessary - Drew's goodness of character is shining through the story very well as is.

It's a good terse chapter and I hope you post more soon. Generally I think you could fatten up this section with more descriptive phrases of time and place, but sometimes it's good to fill that in once the story line's down pat.

Good work, Derek. I look forward to more.
Zoe

I have a question...Where's the rest of this? Its really great stuff you have going here. Its like Black Hawk Down and I Am Legend combined. A really novel premise. Im not much for nits, and I may not be much help with technical writing, but I know what I like. This is a great effort and start to a novel. Already a fan.

Derek, why haven't you written more of this story? This is some of the best writing I have read, published or not. Get yourself to work and write more of this story and get it posted so I can read more.

You have left this doctor right in a lurch of things, get him out. You are such a gifted writer and have captured me as a fan.

Get busy, I want to know what happens to these people.

Susan

I am so on board with this piece. This is just excellent writing and a compelling story to boot. I want more.

I have no nits at all. This is perfection. I really like the two characters you've given us. There is so much to work with here. Love it!

This is the only novel you have listed. I really would like to see you post more.

Janet

Hey Derek,

You answered all my questions from the first chapter. I'm thinking Dr. Michaels has only been in Somalia for a short time, and this is why he doesn't understand the commanders orders. I'm guessing it's a Cushitic language. And I'm also thinking this virus is a quick killer, within days of infection, and this is another reason the commander hadn't heard of the outbreak, besides being on patrol for a week. Drew is a very courageous man, and an extremely empathetic character, what with him being concerned for the lives of his attackers. I don't think he'll make it, but hopefully, his blood serum will save the day. I'm looking forward to learning more about the Somali culture, and your viral outbreak is right up my alley of interest.

He stole a glance around him at the soldiers./He stole a glance around to his soldiers.

The Somali's/Somalis or Somali is how my dictionary spells the word.

...his shoes leaving snake trails in the dust. **love this imaging showing the "sidewinder" marks of his shoes as they drag him off.

A half dozen soldiers, some without shirts, waited (for) their approach.

You and your men have done something terrible...why else would they send you to your death? ** it sounded like he had just come up with the reason for the assault. If so, see if this works: You and your men must have done something terrible. Why else would they send you to your certain death?

Don't do it(,) man. (L)isten to me!
The doctor[']s there can work with my serum.
...when he was in clinic(,) crafting a name for himself.

later, nathan