A facepalm? :-)
not you... you are burning... I was thinking more of how people who don't like body parts doing things body parts don't usually. How would they express exasperation?
A facepalm? :-)
not you... you are burning... I was thinking more of how people who don't like body parts doing things body parts don't usually. How would they express exasperation?
okay, so how would everyone express the burn of exasperation, if not through the eyes?
I like shorts at the moment, I don't have to try to hold the entire story in my head. I'll be happy to read your shorts. (in a non-Bart way)
Thank you, Amy, such very kind words. I have booked a Skype call with my agent for tonight and sent her all that I have done recently (all versions...) and I will rely on her to tell me what to keep and what to chuck away. I don't have clear eyes at the moment, I guess.
(Cat isn't better yet, still at the Vet hospital, but she can't be in better hands, so I have to stop holding my breath and get on with it all. I am not good with stress, I catastrophise too much. Excellent word in this context.)
I suppose I am better off doing the annual company accounts, so I shall make my mind concentrate on those! (BORING)
I am also sad you have a lot on your plate as well. It never rains but it pours, does it?
there you go then, it's all in the context
The real problem is that you're mixing external description with internal emoting.
I know that is looked at with disdain, but really, what is wrong with it?
what if a petomane produced a virtuoso performance of Bolero...
for me, although I often use the eyes as the windows to the soul, burned isn't the right word here. If he is scowling, his eyes are probably 'chilled with exasperation', or 'exasperation bleached his blue eyes to flint', kind of thing. Colder, you know?
I know in some circles the animation of body parts is frowned upon, I can't see much wrong unless you are writing highbrow lit fic.
I can't the Fart ravel thing out of my head!!
well, they could sub a short walk, but they can also travel across the entire planet.
I might just call it Jump. As Escoffier said 'Faites simple'
Thanks K. One of these days I will have the confidence to believe in my own voice, stop seeking the approval of others. But until then, you are stuck with my whining. I do apologise.
I think I might be taking the crits too much to heart, tbh. I have written about eight different versions so far, some of them have been total rethinks, ditching the original chapter, trying desperately to build in more action and verve. (not all here, btw, some of these rewrites were ante-TNBW) I take out the descriptive passages, as I hear I am too passive, I add in more action, but then people don't understand what's happening because the descriptive passages were the ones that gave context to the world. And I'm asked, what about the worldbuilding? But the world isn't that different to ours, it is only what people are doing within it that is terribly different. Likewise, the race is similar, until you notice odd differences.
I am here to hear other people's thoughts about my writing. What is the point of being here otherwise? But is it wise if it simply confuses the matter?
WARNING; Whine alert:
I've de-activated Chap 4 for the moment, as I think it is empty of any action and needs serious rethinking, perhaps even jettisoning. I'm still concerned about the first two. I'm starting to feel so negative about the whole thing.
My cat is very ill, in hospital, with a bill that might break us, and I can't think about that, so I'm trying to concentrate on my writing to balance my thinking, but I don't know whether that's because it is all rubbish or because I am feeling fragile.
Should I just ditch the whole beginning and start afresh or plug on with what I've got? I can't see the wood for the trees at present.
I agree. Worldwide, we need politicians who actually care about the people they are mandated with caring for, instead of worrying about lining their pockets.
I wasn't aware we were civilised yet...
The US and UK differ here. In the US, a group is. In the UK, a group are.
not necessarily. As a Londoner, I would say 'This group is made up of several people' not 'This group are made up of several people'. HOWEVER, I might say 'I met a group who claim autonomy.' Saying 'I met a group who claims autonomy' sounds wrong.
It's a minefield!
The first HP chapter is a prologue, though of course we can't use that word nowadays. Without it, we would be adrift when the story opens. It gives us key characters, a sense of the rules of the world, a sense of Harry's world, and essential backstory.
Rowling carries it off by making a,story of it, told in a storyteller's narrative style--which blows off the whole no-narrstor conceit.
She blew off a lot of conceits! Anyway, there are no rules that aren't there to be broken, as long as you can break them stylishly. Likewise, no story that hasn't been written, but you can't write it differently and make it your own.
I was reluctant to bring in HP to the conversation, but there is need to make your story as non-HP as possible. Using it as a template , even in negative comparisons can be trouble.
Have you debated this, Lynne?
Too darn right I have! I am petrified it might be anything like. Or like any other magic school story, of which there are many. Nobody else has Tarna in their mind's corridor to my knowledge.
I find this a problem as well. I always want to use 'are' because like you I add up the number of people who are in the group. But like 'group' itself, couple is a singular noun, and so should be 'is'. But it sounds horrible.
The opening clearly states that she's telling how she ended up in jail for an 'accidental' stabbing. I think many forget that she's 'telling' the story as it's very non-linear. Okay, I just need to pick a road...ignore everyone...and keep driving.
I think, as you are trying to capture HER voice, you need to decide what she would say, and then stick with it.
Read it outloud a couple of times, see what you think if you change it about, then decide what SHE would say.
Then, as you say, keep driving
Hey there, Lynne! I'm not nearly as experienced as this lot of awesome writers, but I promise I'll throw in my two cents when I can.
As far as when to start a story, I read somewhere (can't recall where) that the story starts when the "problem" does. By problem, I mean the main point of the story. For instance, Harry Potter doesn't start with digging into his daily life and family issues. That's background noise. The real story begins with his letter from Hogwarts.
Well, in fact, Harry starts with being left on the doorstep of the Durnsleys, and then goes briefly into his life in the cupboard under the stairs. But I agree, the REAL story starts with the letter from Hogwarts. So I agree, I need to bring in my problem rather more quickly than now. Look out for lots more foreshadowing I think.
yes, yet another update on the first chapter up now, along with a revised Chapter 2. Next up will be Chapter 4, I am writing a completely new Chapter 3 bringing in the antagonist much earlier in the story, so you don't have to wade through all the school stuff before you realise there is more to the story than schoolery.
I'm not sure if it helps or hinders that I didn't read the earlier drafts. Well, I just have to jump in where I am and work from here. I'll check out chapter two shortly.
Amy, I've left you a few inlines for bits that still jar, but overall I think this is much better. I didn't actually skip anything, which I did before.
What is your own view? Are you happier now?
You can keep the comedy. Use the comedy to hide clews. But by putting Alda constantly in the spotlight, you're telling us 'This is Alda's story'.
Hang on, by havingt Alda the first person we meet, and being fairly fully fleshed in personality, I had assumed it WAS her story?
Lynne, the rewrite is posted. I thinned the three paragraphs that were full of exposition, and added more Alda. Is it too much? Too little? I'm too close to this to see if this is what you were talking about, but I believe this version is stronger
Talk soon
A
Righty ho. I'll check it this afternoon. Fretting madly with a rather sick cat, so this will take my mind off her