I have the battle and the conversation on paper. I'm going to type them up and start editing, thinking about the next part in between.
I don't want to fool around with rechaptering B1 for this since I'll need a full rewrite anyway. My thought is to put this up as a couple of shorts. Thoughts?
Oh, do Sil and AM realize how powerful Anver is? When do we learn? Do they wish that Katerin was along?
I'm just working your possibilities. The Founders must place AM one and a quarter steps below G and half a step above the forces now threatening them. They have AM's staff, and could even threaten to destroy it. (Does Jaylene know what that staff is?) (Aside: do the spears itch in Alda's hand? I'm thinking of Anver's demo with the other mage's/student's staff.)
You've built a tremendous point of conflict here, one that could shake Jaylene in the crisis moment, threaten all the resolve she's built up--especially if Alda was somehow part of how that resolve was built up.
And what if Jaylene makes the wrong choice, but is too late to stop Alda, and has to watch as Alda's actions rally the enemy--right before she destroys the Horrors.
The first law of battle is that the enemy changes the plan. What if the only hope of ending the battle is to destroy the Horrors so the enemy will have nothing to fight for, and AM is the one who understands it?
And this leads to a possible redefinition of the Alda/Jaylene relationship. By their presence and character they constantly test each other. By right of power, Jaylene should be the tail in the dog, but Alda wants to be that tail. She keeps pushing the role of war dog on Jaylene.
I note that you are fighting for Sulder and Tazar (and not Jaylene). This is par for the course. Nobody roots for that character's perspective. However, I don't think there is any benefit in changing Sulder out for his replacement, other than throwing the church into disarray. Your politics have the potential to bear fruit in keeping Sulder alive longer so he can die dramatically.
You kill Sulder to get a single-point crisis.
Jaylene comes alive when there is a crisis. She may not be able, in the beginning, toget to the solution unaided. By the end of the book, she should be doing that, perhaps even defying a Founder.
But the long slog through the Catacombs has few crises. It has many dangers, but few crises. You need to make it shorter and add hard decisions, some of which Have Consequences.
FYI, given that Jaylene is small and slight, I see her with a narrower face, maybe oval. And I think that displays better on the beir.
That is almost necessarily mutual. Sextegenarianism is not necessarily mutual.
Doesn't sound wierd to me.
South Africa's legislature just voted to confiscate the lands of white farmers, without compensation. Moral dimensions aside, colonial-era Spain and modern Zimbabwe made the same error. The wealth of the society is not in the land nor in what you take out of it. It's in the skills of the people and the incentives the people operate under. South Africa is going the way of Zimbabwe (a case study in PJ O'Rourke's =Eat The Rich=).
All this is happening under a constitution that Ruth Bader Ginsberg called a better model than the US Constitution that Notorious RBG is charged with upholding--better because of its explicit civil rights language. I'm not holding my breath waiting for her to wonder what else she's wrong about.
Many of these disasters come not from politicians but from culture--like American parents not vaccinating their children, often on the advice of entertainers who know less of medicine and public health than I know of their businesses.
It's an inconvenient fact that these people have the wealth and resources to absorb many of the costs of their screwups. The people following their glittering images usually lack those resources.
Some of us wonder if we are civilized any more. The urge to the primitive-and from the primitive-is leading to explosions in diseases that we thought eradicated at the turn of the millenium. Cities need sanitation. Mobile populations need vaccination. Population clusters need hygiene, not children defecating on city sidewalks.
Bruce Catton told the story of The War Between The States seven times, each time through different eyes.
I realized last night that I'm trying to tell the story of civilization in this backstory ... from one set of eyes. Or three.
Hard job, but somebody has to do it.
You don't use a sledgehammer. You use a scorsese spanner.
What's needed is a very intricate database linked to the story text, all woven into a version control system, with an editing interface that can be replaced to let writers shake off the WYSIAYG shackles. Neither the WüRD format nor HTML is a suitable representation.
If someone wants to seriously brainstorm requirements, I'm available. But be warned, there will be serious language dependencies, so extensibility/flexibility must be designed into the software/database architecture. And serious database design--not necessarily relational. Text will need a versioned threaded tree.
Oh, and it must be possible to make the thing reliable, efficient, and usable atop multiple operating systems, each with its own strengths and (especially) weaknesses in file system performance, process interaction, user interface, networking, and behavior under load..
Letting readers think they know what they're meeting gives you the chance to weave story around the differernces.
The US and UK differ here. In the US, a group is. In the UK, a group are.
Summary narrative is so out of fashion it's almost considered evil.
The first HP chapter is a prologue, though of course we can't use that word nowadays. Without it, we would be adrift when the story opens. It gives us key characters, a sense of the rules of the world, a sense of Harry's world, and essential backstory.
Rowling carries it off by making a,story of it, told in a storyteller's narrative style--which blows off the whole no-narrstor conceit.
Added one tongue-in-cheek comment on the last review. But maybe not so ... well, decide for yourself.
Your original story was a Quest. That fits the larger story surrounding it.
Jaylene took over nicely after the death of the leatherworker.
The Catacombs adventure and the creepers in the crypt are both wonderful action that feel like they need volumes of their own.
To his friend's younger self.
It's true that Alda can only see into the hearts of those touched by Behira (and maybe those under control of a Horror) but she SEES the goodness in Tazar the same way we do. That's why we can appreciate it, and empathize.
As to character work ... you've provided the foundation. You've pointed the feet. I'm just lifting my eyes to the path.
You can make Alda the one who first hears Sulder ... and makes it possible for Jaylene to hear him. Now she knows beyond doubt that there's something very special, very terrifying, about Alda. But becausee they're in the last stage of freeing people from the Gillis--maybe they need to take crazy risks to rush it--she has no time to ask. And maybe this is when Petra's puppeteer learns--and strikes--just as they take the one night of rest they cannot skip on their way to Base. Another distraction from Alda, and an excuse to rush the business with Petra.
And with the need to rescue Base, they need every fighter who can be freed from the Gillis.
Oh, and when Alda releases her rage over Sulder's death, it should be scary--enough so that we're really twisted up about the Founder's reveal. And maybe make the destruction of the Horror's the key to ending the battle. She goes to them in defiance of the Founder, he is too busy to stop her, she destroys them, bringing everything down on their heads--only the forces of Behira have the stronger shield. And the enemy who survive the blast are easy pickings for Behira's forces. Alda even gets a few 'and THAT's for Sulder'/'That's for Pettra'/...s in.
Oh, if you have to kill Sulder, do it as he sends that message into the Catacombs. Have his willing death, exhausting himself to send the message, convince Jaylene of its importance. Have Alda know for sure he's dead--more of the mystery surrounding her, hinting at the depths of her true power. Send it as they have committed to dealing with the Gillis, to drive them forward through it.
Innocence is what Aldamurisse cannot bear to lose. That is why she SHOULD save Sulder ... or else feel a crushing loss over his death. If he dies (I don't think he needs to) it should be THAT failure that makes Alda want to hide. And why the bit about his nose-hairs is important. (You got that right, girl!) It's why she wouldn't let Tazar go into the Catacombs without her. When she hears of what he did to Slash, she's not concerned about him. But Charm brings Aldamurisse out for a moment. And then she sees Solace risk himself for Tazar, and Tazar (without knowing of Solace's act) refusing to go unless Solace is released with him. Her reluctance for the quest must collapse--crushed--when she learns that Tazar is being allowed in. She's not in love with him; she wants to be his rotweiler. She should be lukewarm about Jaylene's prison mission right up until she sees the deformed prisoner--Solace--risk himself for Tazar.
Her relationship with Jaylene: Confusion. She knows she's bound up with the Lance, but Jaylene is more ignorant than innocent. And Jaylene is just too holy.
All of Alda's dirty tricks, the spitting in the soup ... that's anger at what's not innocent. Innocence is why the always-hungry Alda tosses food to the birds. Even when she has to clean up their droppings, she doesn't mind. Put those two together, let us see the apparent contradiction.
Musing's on Deep PoV, etc.
Deep PoV is the current fashion in narrative storytelling. And we're please to think it 'more advanced'. But is it more advanced, or just different? Is it progress, or just fashiion?
It's a step further away from the most basic form of storytelling: third person with a very present narrator. But is 'further' the same as 'advanced'? Or is it just a shiny new tool that we're fascinated with because it's new and shiny, and we don't know what we can do with it? Look where 12-tone music is today. It's not used by pop acts. It's not used in film scores. And, outside of a few heavily-educated ears, it has no following as golden oldies. It's a museum piece kept in the storeroom, brought out and dusted off once in a while so we don't forget about it.
You would not approach upholstery with a mason's hammers, or stone with an upholsterer's toolbox.
On writing, and de Saint-Exupery's maxim:
The original Star Trek told one story in a 48-minute 'hour'.
The Next Generation often told two stories in a 42-munite 'hour'.
Babylon 5 fit three or four storylines into most episodes.
All doing more with less.
The backstory I'm working on now needs more. I've got a battle scene that probably needs 15% to 20% pared.
Then I've got a scene of dialogue that meant to introduce a setting and broaden some horizons.
I think I'll post that much when I have it.
Then I need to compress several months into a series of short, dramatic scenes. MUCH harder than anything I've done.
