Maybe Alina -wants- Anver to fall in love with Katerin so she can use him?  Major Backfire here.  Or maybe that's too studied a plot for Her Haughtiness.  Maybe Katerin doesn't learn of Alina's plotting until after she's hooked?

Edit--  Or more likely, Alina didn't plan for the attachment to happen, but hopes to make use of it--a plan that backfires quickly.

Or Alina wants the attachment, which would horrify Katerin if she knew--and then it backfires, and Alina doesn't want it as soon as Katerin does.

3,252

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

No.  I haven't been able to work on that for a week.  I'm making the last pass on improving the behavior of the detector.  If this doesn't help, I'll work with what I have.  Then back to the pigeon flasher, which is what forced me to get the detector outputs consistent, and after that I've got Physical Design to work on.

amy s wrote:

OK, here we go.  I read a great first chapter from a reviewer outside our group.  He had structural issues, but the content was tippy-top.  Since I learn from the work of others, I started thinking of how to apply this to Acts.  For those of you who have read the first three chapters of that book, what do you think of this as a start? 

Tribute to K.  He's the one who is great at pointing out that my book meanders.  Tribute to NJC, the purist who doesn't want me to change anything.  Could I get you guys to weigh in?

Chapter 1: This begins in the curses ward.  Anver, Tilly and another lieutenant are introduced.  The entire school is there.  Kha is on his deathbed and clearly cursed.  The risk is discussed.  The students chain their reserves and heal the Master.

Always modern writers want you to start in media res--in the middle of things.  And for a story where adventure carries the story, that makes sense.  But this isn't that kind of story.

First of all, you have a world to introduce.  Secondly, you have an ensemble that is, in the first volume, at least as important as Master Kha and maybe more so. Your current first chapters introduce the ensemble and the world quite well.

Heinlein started in media res with (if I'm not confusing stories) Starship Troopers, but that story was, in the end, about the relationship of individual and society, and the incident quickly turned in that direction.  That's not your story.

Moreover, it would not be proper, in the story logic and the logic of the characters, to pull all the students in with Master Kha and discuss the risk there.  The scenes you have fit the logic of story, situation, and characters.  You don't need to spike those with amphetamines.  Anyone who will like your story on the macro level will be drawn into those those chapters.

The chapters you need to fix are the adventure inside the containment vessel.  You need to let us see what's happening in the dark, and make it more sharply memorable.  I'm not sure whether the solution will involve shortening or lengthening the episode, or neither.

Chapter 2: This occurs about a year later.  Anver is on night watch at the gate.  Katerin is introduced as they switch shifts.  She points out that he is late and they argue a bit.  He notices that she has a bruise on her face and offers to help.  She refuses and stomps away.  While on duty, Anver notices an explosion of a staff and realizes a student has been killed.  He also feels the double explosion but doesn't question this because he's never felt a mage die before.  He ties into the draining reserve and finds the body.  Because his Master is infirm, he goes to Alina's school to report the death.  Alina is established as a villain and tells him to handle it himself.

If you dive right into Alina, you have two story threads that you'll have to connect later, with no common starting point.

Is it important here to have the death by blown staff?

Now, I think you could make part about Alina poaching Kha's manpower more memorable.  Perhaps Alina could suggest that Kha's school is a school of menials, fit for the work of 'tradesmen'.  Perhaps you could sharpen the parts about Alina having the goods on everybody, and even threatening to spill some secrets of Kha's lieutenants.

And perhaps that needs to be woven in a little bit with Katerin and how Anver is trying not to be in love with her because she is Alina's lieutenant.  Heck, you could let Katerin be a brief distraction in an earlier chapter.

Chapter 3: The next day.  Kha gets out of the infirmary, weak and still infirm.  The Common Room is introduced.  The other lieutenants have their discussion about their origins and how they gained power.  Anver participates and then takes tray in to Master Kha, intending to report the student's death and ask for advice.  Meanwhile, Kha has left the school and is traveling to Aerie.  Anver realizes that he is alone and has to keep the school running without support or help.  And since no one cares, he has to figure out what happened to the dead student.

Rather than bring another thread in--unless there is an organic reason for it--I think you should find a way to play up the existing elements: Earthwound and the Black Staff.

Or else throw them out entirely.  But I think they are too central to your story.

Right now, Alina is more likely to kill someone than one of the necromancers--until that containment vessel is opened.  Earthwound and the violation of the containment vessels would seem to be precipitating events.  I'd prefer linking the containment vessel somehow to the Black Staff and Earthwound, at least thematically.  If you can arrange things somehow that the reader catches on before the characters, so much the better.

This introduces the endangered love interest, as well as letting people know that there is a murderer who is killing mages (and that this should be a mystery story).  Alina is part of the plot at chapter 2.  I start the action during the healing (previous chapter 1 is eliminated) instead of discussing how to go about it.
A

Do you want Alina or not?  She's a brilliant precipitating event, providing vital information and letting Anver be a hero early.  The duel with her also carries some important clues.

Now ... knowing your skill, I've no doubt that you could tell the story quite well as you've just outlined, but you'll have a lot of patching to do along the lines I've written above.

If you do want to play Strongest Start, start with the utterance of Su Cinibrae (and I'm pretty sure I've got the spelling wrong).  But then Anver's first utterance will be ruthless, and you'll have to work to convince the reader that Anver isn't really like that.

Chapters 1 and 2 are not problems.  The containment jar chapters are, perhaps because the action and the story arc tend to obscure each other.

3,254

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I haven't dropped off the face off the earth.  I'm down in NC visiting my mother and taking care of family business.  I'll try to find some time to catch up on reviews.

3,255

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Ah  Will fix.  Thanks.

3,256

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

From the other thread:

corra wrote:
Linda Lee wrote:

Gah!

I was going to type "I'm so reporting this," and I almost hit the Report button again! I am making enemies right and left. cool

Could we please have the Report and Delete buttons on the opposite side from the Edit and Quote buttons?

3,257

(6 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Seven lines--my gosh, that could include a Higgledy-Piggledy smile

3,258

(520 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Nah, the dining room isn't her hunting ground.  It's too formal, and there are too many witnesses.  She takes the Clue board into three dimensions--with Chutes and Ladders.  Or maybe Shoots and Ladders.

3,259

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Glitchen fixed.  Chapter numbers changed to reflect reality, and to leave some room for me to work.

3,260

(520 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Yeah, but look at the characters you write!  Mrs. Blue, on the roof, with the sniper rifle.  She belongs in an Allstate commercial: when Mayhem goes on vacation ...

3,261

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Huh?  What??  Oh, it's an open question.  But I prefer not to kill without story need.  Go read Gaudy Night.

I just realized that, apart from a few typos, I have a seious problem with missing italicizations.  TNBW does not cut/paste them properly, even from itself.

3,262

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

If I haven't bungled it too badly, the first chapter with Erevain is up.  I'm going to have to renumber subsequent chapters.

3,263

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

It might depend on the period.  Most compounds start as two words, get hyphenated, tnen lose the hyphen.

3,264

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Not sure this is the place, but ...

It depends on what I'm thinking about writing.  Sometimes I prefer to start cold.  If I see a couple of nits and no more, I'll generally check to see if the nits have been caught.

Or limit self-promotion to a single, designated thread?

No abuse.  I wouldn't come back for it.  It's a pleasure and an honor to contribute..

Erevain will come out in probably 3 parts, maybe two.

3,267

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

The 5000 word limit question is for a subsequent chapter.  I'd like to make one chapter of two that are split artificially.  Although we could also say they are unified artifcially.  Well, it's good to know.

3,268

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

So I need three times as much nothing?

3,269

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I'm still working on Erevain.

In one of the ADVENTure-inspired text interface games, a certain action in a certain place results in the message "Nothing happens."  If the action is repeated, the new message is "Twice as much nothing happens."

Well, I'm trying to work scenes that are based not on what happens but on what is implied, indicated, and hinted.  And I want it to feel at least a little real.

So I need to put twice as much nothing in the scenes, and keep them interesting.

3,270

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Thanks.

3,271

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Not a request, a question: Does the new site have the 5,000 word/chapter limit?

3,272

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

This is for CJ Driftwood, a proper reply to his two reviews.

On Temporary Reprieve/The Long and the Short Cut

Great chapter. Feels like an embarkment of a grand adventure and the pace was perfect. I like that you use heroines rather than heroes and Merran is getting more depth as a character. I feel the captain to be an ally as well, agains the (evil) Royals.

There will be both male and female protagonists.  And they will make a lot of mistakes.  Some will be arguable.

Regarding "Mother Hem"--I've already changed the preceding chapters, so there are continuity problems.

I'll have to work over the conversations that follow, and your notes will be helpful.

The 'because I have to' for adventuring:  that opens an interesting point.  There are adventures of discovery and adventures of adversity.  It would be good to hint at the point without making it.

I'm attached to my commas, generally.  I stand between the modern usage and the usage I was taught in high school.

Merran felt a sharp pang of—what?—[loss]?>> I think you mean “dubiety”>> loss doesn’t really fit.

It's possible that your square brackets won't show up here because the BBCode interpreter refuses to ignore what it doesn't understand.

I think loss is the right feeling.  You have a young woman leaving home behind.  Yes, she's leaving responsibilities as well, but she has no idea when she can come back, and thus no concrete expectation of return.  She's leaving her life behind, and, as you correctly note on the next chapter, her mother makes things worse by slipping away in silence--and I should play that up more.

There's a lot of detail stuff to think about.  I'm not as averse as most to repetition of words.

On Arrival at the Home of Harsan and Glasias:

First, I should tinker with the chapter name.

Beginning of chapter is confusing without a rundown on who these people are.

Well, yes, I'm trying to introduce the whole household in short order, and I use Merran's confusion as an excuse to repeat things.

Some structural issues. I had some trouble with the beginning and during the Merran’s REM cycle. Might consider tightening those up some. Otherwise, great chapter. I do wonder why Merran is having so much trouble relating to Glaselle. I do remember that at the beginning Mellaen was concerned that Merran had trouble making friends- that she was bookish and stand-offish- perhaps shy?

Yeah.  That dream sequence is a nightmare (so to speak) and I have to cut it.  I don't want to get rid of it, but it's at least six times too long.

Merran's troubles come from unfamiliarity, at least as I see it, leading to a very reasonable insecurity.  And Glaselle did make a mistake, too.  Sorcerous families tend to be socially isolated.  You might look ahead to the last part of Chapter 35. 

I have to completely redesign this whole training sequence and cut it better with Melayne's journey.

Jamen and pack--good point.  I have to go back and look this over.  He should have had time to pack something.

Glasias was their mother. She was>> Their mother, Glasias was a little heavier…

I'm trying here to carry us along with Merran's experience as she learns all these people at once.  Maybe I need to do a better job of cueing the reader?

They called for Jamen(, who)[; he ] explained how the Royal soldiers had

At the time they called for Jamen, he had not yet explained, so  the use of a relative clause, whether restrictive or not, is inaccurate here.  Only after the explanation was given could it be accurate--but he was called first.

Yes, people often write without regard for this nicety.  Since I'm carrying the reader along with the experience of the characters, I don't think I can or should get away wth it.

It seemed to be wrapped in an almost infinite depth>> over use of appear and seemed, suggest : It gave the impression of having an almost infinite depth.

As before, I'm not afraid of repetition.  And here I want to stay close in with Merran's experience, especially her experience of the Gem.

You're right about 'College'.  I don't want to go conspicuouly to Latin, but I do need to use another word.

Her father looked down at her from the claw of the lurymant and Shogran's spinning power. He said "What would I do?">> this feel like some sort of premonition- or foreshadowing.

I had wanted to have Merran asking herself this question often, and haven't done so.  It occurs to me as I write now that I could use that question to indicate a step in the improvement of her judgement.

She took her pack and went silently downstairs and out the door.>> I have a feeling Merran's going to be angry about this. smile

More cast adrift, and she doesn't come fully to terms with it until she's about to leave.  Again, see later parts of Chapter 35.

3,273

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Yes, but sometimes top-of-story comment requests get forgotten.

Now there's another possibility: a field for the author's requests to reviewers, which will appear over the review buttons and at the top of the review page.

Working on Erevain now.  Have some household stuff to work on.  Desperately need to work on the voltage level detector.  Haven't had much time lately.

3,275

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Yes, well, the current inline format does extend the invitation.

I'll bear that in mind if I ever decide to review your work.  (In general, I only comment on other reviewers opinions if I'm about to do a review myself.)