I too am getting blank pages when I try to read Acts.  I think you better let Sol know.

The real Q? is why Geron the Mage Master allows Alina to do this.  'twould  be good to mention Geron and explain why he allows it (he would be outvoted by all the other misbirths on the council).  Maybe even mention that Anver considered approaching him, but knew if he lost everyone on the council would have a general warrant on all things and all persons Kha.

Maybe even have that as subtext (later explained) in the argument between Alina and Anver.  Give Tilly a chance to get good and riled as Anver explains--one more reason for her to hate Katerin.

What you have now is an out-of-the-frying-pan (Alina) into the fire (necromancer) progression.  I don't see anything wrong with it, BUT you could link plot lines/jeopardies (NOT themes) if you link the Black Staff or Earthwound or both to necromancy via Death Magic, which is an established part of your world.

(Now, if you explored Katerin's loyalty to Alina vs. first Anver's loyalty to Kha and then Anver's loyalty to Katerin, you would be dealing in themes.  If you invited the reader directly to follow you to a conclusion, you would have a thesis.)

It's a magical roof on a magical building.  It's beneath Alina, and she's in the mood to stick it to people especially to the nice guy students of that nice guy Kha.  She hates goodness, which he and his school represent.  That's already implicit in her character.

We know about the necromancer when they explore the containment jar.

If Earthwound or the Black staff can be linked even indirectly to death magic you have the link Judy asks for.  Old threat/sideshow is revealed to be the main attraction through a series of episodes.  See symphonic structure and Beethoven.  Then all the reveals that now exist become amplification.

It's even better if the reader sees it before the characters do.

Amy et al., the place for the link to drop in is right there in plain sight, from the first jeopardy to the unplanned capture of Caneth.

KHippolite wrote:

Rather than bring another thread in--unless there is an organic reason for it--I think you should find a way to play up the existing elements: Earthwound and the Black Staff.

Here we differ too. The Earthwound story thread and the Black Staff story thread don't seem to be thematic to this story. In fact, they are not resolved in the slightest in the version I read. If you don't plan to resolve them in the rewrite, I'd recommend not making a huge fuss about them... if the story ends with 5/8 of the major threads dangling, you'll succeed in frustrating me. Like in Game of Thrones, I'll just wait for the last book to come out so I can read it and find out who to like, then go back and read the series.

Go that with aSoIaF and you'll -never- follow the story.  The ensemble turns over at least three times.

If Earthwound and Black Staff aren't important enough now, make them important.  Just don't tell us how important.  Don't say 'they're not important enough' and add something else.

I've got a plot connection set up  in my first two chapters.  Kudos if you guess it, but I don't plan to let it out for a couple of volumes, at least.

I've been listening to an audio course on Beethoven's symphonies.  Beethoven was the composer of structure.  You listen and listen and listen, and discover that everything you've been hearing comes from some transformation or complementarity off of the tiny melodic fragments with which Beethoven began the work.

The lecturer feels that the greatest work ever written for solo piano is Beethoven's Diabelli Variations, in which this process of variation, transmorgrification, and rejiggerication is itself varied, transmorgrified, transmuted, and rejiggered as we watch.

That's how I encourage you to approach this question.

Maybe Alina -wants- Anver to fall in love with Katerin so she can use him?  Major Backfire here.  Or maybe that's too studied a plot for Her Haughtiness.  Maybe Katerin doesn't learn of Alina's plotting until after she's hooked?

Edit--  Or more likely, Alina didn't plan for the attachment to happen, but hopes to make use of it--a plan that backfires quickly.

Or Alina wants the attachment, which would horrify Katerin if she knew--and then it backfires, and Alina doesn't want it as soon as Katerin does.

3,258

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

No.  I haven't been able to work on that for a week.  I'm making the last pass on improving the behavior of the detector.  If this doesn't help, I'll work with what I have.  Then back to the pigeon flasher, which is what forced me to get the detector outputs consistent, and after that I've got Physical Design to work on.

amy s wrote:

OK, here we go.  I read a great first chapter from a reviewer outside our group.  He had structural issues, but the content was tippy-top.  Since I learn from the work of others, I started thinking of how to apply this to Acts.  For those of you who have read the first three chapters of that book, what do you think of this as a start? 

Tribute to K.  He's the one who is great at pointing out that my book meanders.  Tribute to NJC, the purist who doesn't want me to change anything.  Could I get you guys to weigh in?

Chapter 1: This begins in the curses ward.  Anver, Tilly and another lieutenant are introduced.  The entire school is there.  Kha is on his deathbed and clearly cursed.  The risk is discussed.  The students chain their reserves and heal the Master.

Always modern writers want you to start in media res--in the middle of things.  And for a story where adventure carries the story, that makes sense.  But this isn't that kind of story.

First of all, you have a world to introduce.  Secondly, you have an ensemble that is, in the first volume, at least as important as Master Kha and maybe more so. Your current first chapters introduce the ensemble and the world quite well.

Heinlein started in media res with (if I'm not confusing stories) Starship Troopers, but that story was, in the end, about the relationship of individual and society, and the incident quickly turned in that direction.  That's not your story.

Moreover, it would not be proper, in the story logic and the logic of the characters, to pull all the students in with Master Kha and discuss the risk there.  The scenes you have fit the logic of story, situation, and characters.  You don't need to spike those with amphetamines.  Anyone who will like your story on the macro level will be drawn into those those chapters.

The chapters you need to fix are the adventure inside the containment vessel.  You need to let us see what's happening in the dark, and make it more sharply memorable.  I'm not sure whether the solution will involve shortening or lengthening the episode, or neither.

Chapter 2: This occurs about a year later.  Anver is on night watch at the gate.  Katerin is introduced as they switch shifts.  She points out that he is late and they argue a bit.  He notices that she has a bruise on her face and offers to help.  She refuses and stomps away.  While on duty, Anver notices an explosion of a staff and realizes a student has been killed.  He also feels the double explosion but doesn't question this because he's never felt a mage die before.  He ties into the draining reserve and finds the body.  Because his Master is infirm, he goes to Alina's school to report the death.  Alina is established as a villain and tells him to handle it himself.

If you dive right into Alina, you have two story threads that you'll have to connect later, with no common starting point.

Is it important here to have the death by blown staff?

Now, I think you could make part about Alina poaching Kha's manpower more memorable.  Perhaps Alina could suggest that Kha's school is a school of menials, fit for the work of 'tradesmen'.  Perhaps you could sharpen the parts about Alina having the goods on everybody, and even threatening to spill some secrets of Kha's lieutenants.

And perhaps that needs to be woven in a little bit with Katerin and how Anver is trying not to be in love with her because she is Alina's lieutenant.  Heck, you could let Katerin be a brief distraction in an earlier chapter.

Chapter 3: The next day.  Kha gets out of the infirmary, weak and still infirm.  The Common Room is introduced.  The other lieutenants have their discussion about their origins and how they gained power.  Anver participates and then takes tray in to Master Kha, intending to report the student's death and ask for advice.  Meanwhile, Kha has left the school and is traveling to Aerie.  Anver realizes that he is alone and has to keep the school running without support or help.  And since no one cares, he has to figure out what happened to the dead student.

Rather than bring another thread in--unless there is an organic reason for it--I think you should find a way to play up the existing elements: Earthwound and the Black Staff.

Or else throw them out entirely.  But I think they are too central to your story.

Right now, Alina is more likely to kill someone than one of the necromancers--until that containment vessel is opened.  Earthwound and the violation of the containment vessels would seem to be precipitating events.  I'd prefer linking the containment vessel somehow to the Black Staff and Earthwound, at least thematically.  If you can arrange things somehow that the reader catches on before the characters, so much the better.

This introduces the endangered love interest, as well as letting people know that there is a murderer who is killing mages (and that this should be a mystery story).  Alina is part of the plot at chapter 2.  I start the action during the healing (previous chapter 1 is eliminated) instead of discussing how to go about it.
A

Do you want Alina or not?  She's a brilliant precipitating event, providing vital information and letting Anver be a hero early.  The duel with her also carries some important clues.

Now ... knowing your skill, I've no doubt that you could tell the story quite well as you've just outlined, but you'll have a lot of patching to do along the lines I've written above.

If you do want to play Strongest Start, start with the utterance of Su Cinibrae (and I'm pretty sure I've got the spelling wrong).  But then Anver's first utterance will be ruthless, and you'll have to work to convince the reader that Anver isn't really like that.

Chapters 1 and 2 are not problems.  The containment jar chapters are, perhaps because the action and the story arc tend to obscure each other.

3,260

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I haven't dropped off the face off the earth.  I'm down in NC visiting my mother and taking care of family business.  I'll try to find some time to catch up on reviews.

3,261

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Ah  Will fix.  Thanks.

3,262

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

From the other thread:

corra wrote:
Linda Lee wrote:

Gah!

I was going to type "I'm so reporting this," and I almost hit the Report button again! I am making enemies right and left. cool

Could we please have the Report and Delete buttons on the opposite side from the Edit and Quote buttons?

3,263

(6 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Seven lines--my gosh, that could include a Higgledy-Piggledy smile

3,264

(520 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Nah, the dining room isn't her hunting ground.  It's too formal, and there are too many witnesses.  She takes the Clue board into three dimensions--with Chutes and Ladders.  Or maybe Shoots and Ladders.

3,265

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Glitchen fixed.  Chapter numbers changed to reflect reality, and to leave some room for me to work.

3,266

(520 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Yeah, but look at the characters you write!  Mrs. Blue, on the roof, with the sniper rifle.  She belongs in an Allstate commercial: when Mayhem goes on vacation ...

3,267

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Huh?  What??  Oh, it's an open question.  But I prefer not to kill without story need.  Go read Gaudy Night.

I just realized that, apart from a few typos, I have a seious problem with missing italicizations.  TNBW does not cut/paste them properly, even from itself.

3,268

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

If I haven't bungled it too badly, the first chapter with Erevain is up.  I'm going to have to renumber subsequent chapters.

3,269

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

It might depend on the period.  Most compounds start as two words, get hyphenated, tnen lose the hyphen.

3,270

(212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Not sure this is the place, but ...

It depends on what I'm thinking about writing.  Sometimes I prefer to start cold.  If I see a couple of nits and no more, I'll generally check to see if the nits have been caught.

Or limit self-promotion to a single, designated thread?

No abuse.  I wouldn't come back for it.  It's a pleasure and an honor to contribute..

Erevain will come out in probably 3 parts, maybe two.

3,273

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

The 5000 word limit question is for a subsequent chapter.  I'd like to make one chapter of two that are split artificially.  Although we could also say they are unified artifcially.  Well, it's good to know.

3,274

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

So I need three times as much nothing?

3,275

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I'm still working on Erevain.

In one of the ADVENTure-inspired text interface games, a certain action in a certain place results in the message "Nothing happens."  If the action is repeated, the new message is "Twice as much nothing happens."

Well, I'm trying to work scenes that are based not on what happens but on what is implied, indicated, and hinted.  And I want it to feel at least a little real.

So I need to put twice as much nothing in the scenes, and keep them interesting.