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Rebecca's (Du Mauirier's, actually) style is really captivating the the story's mood is  intriguing. I have read about 25% of the story so far and it's a page turner, even if the pace is slow. Events unfold one by one at a time, but mystery is the ever-present element, fascinating the reader (by the way I'm reading it because Suin recommended it).

I wonder if you could begin with a dream that  foreshadows the story, thus interesting the reader. Gabriel García Marquez, Crónica de una muerte anunciada (Chronicle of a Death Foretold), begins with "On the day he was going to be killed, Santiago Nasar woke up at 5:30 in the morning to wait for the ship bringing the bishop. He had dreamt he ..." The first line gives away the whole story: "Hey guys, the MC will be killed by the end of the story. No further mystery, the chap will end up dead. Live with it."  And then he explains the dream, which of course further foreshadows the story, albeit fleetingly.

So, again, I wonder whether a dream foreshadowing the story is a good start. Not a summary, of course, but a sort of blurb, more complex than your regular blurb and not explicit (hope I'm explaining myself). Not that I'm planning to do so (my current WIP story starts with action and I won't change that) but, as an young author, I'd like to know. Who knows what is the next best-seller's strong start?

Kiss,

Gacela

The Emotions Thesaurus is a must every writer must have on her bedside table!

Kiss,

Gacela

Hi Suin:

I read your answer to my comments to your chapter 24 v.0 (before you rewrote it, adding Sarah's part. BTW, TNBW says it's chapter 24, but in your title, it says CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE). Because I've already reviewed the new version, I know you enriched it considering some of my observations. It's nice to confirm one's observations have been useful to a fellow writer .

I wonder: exactly where are you going with this story? I think it makes no harm to spoil the story to your Close Friends, as long as the spoilers are useful when we review your next chapters. I'll elaborate:

As per your own comment, when you originally conceived this story, you didn't want to write yet another story of a kidnapped girl, so you preferred to focus on the family and their reactions, thus narrating from their POV,  rather than on Sarah and what was going on with her.

I wonder... what is this story about? I thought it was about Sarah and her personal struggle. If so,  in my opinion, the reader needs to read about what's happening to her and how she's suffering captivity at Hugh's side and, eventually, how she gets free--if she ever gets free.

On the other hand, if the story is about Sarah's family, then writing from the family's POV is right. Or if the story is about how Sarah’s relationship to her family and friends changed because of what happened to her. In this second case, writing from her family’s or her friends’ POV the right thing to do too.

My personal feeling was that the story had lost a lot of punch when you only focused on the family. Because “the family” is no particular character but several of them, the reader was not connecting with any specific character. Thus, the reader was not caring about any character. With no connection to any character, and the connection with Sarah lost, at least partially, the story lost its punch. I.e., as a reader, I was longer engaged after my "character-friend" disappeared. I don't give a damn for Sarah's mother, father, or siblings (the story never followed them, so I'm not aware of their lives). Not ever for Claire, who I find a bit annoying. I do care for Alicia, but maybe it's only because I read Being 15 first, so don't give much weight to this last observation. I do care for Jack in his literary role as Claire's true--and rightful--love interest.

Now, the above are my reactions as a reader. Which are yours, as a writer? Let's go back to your original plan, before my and the Sheriff's observation made you think twice about the plot: Where did the plot lead to? How did it work? I've just read again Chapter 1, the one serving as an introduction when Sarah comes back after what seems many years. Did you want to focus only on Sarah missing and suddenly coming back, and the ensuing reactions at home? Was that your idea?

I'm asking because, whatever I'd like Sarah to do and become, and wherever I'd like the plot to lead to, it's your story, not mine. You can certainly change it  if you wish to do so  after listening to your beta readers' suggestions, but I'd also like to learn what is/was your plan in order to give you my best-possible advice based on your idea  ("your idea" in italics for greater emphasis, but I dunno how to put italics in this forums), not on based on the story I'd like to read. Considering the above, I don't think it'll hurt if you summarise your story/plot. In that way, I'll be in a better position to understand your intentions as a writer and view the story from your standpoint. However, feel free to say "no, I won't advance the story" if you prefer to keep gathering my (and other readers' reading this thread) spontaneous reactions.

By the way, I don't think Sarah behaved weak not having an abortion. She was very brave and I would have done the same. Back when I was 19, a crappy, pregnancy test at home gave me a false positive, and a stupid period that came ages late (I understand now there was some psychological thingie that delayed it given the circumstances) seemed to confirm it. I struggled for the next three weeks wondering whether to have an abortion, but I finally decided I wouldn't because it was a crime, because it was not right, because it was my responsibility, because it was not the baby's fault and he deserved to live, despite how stupid I might have behaved when conceiving him/her, and because my religion and my god prohibit it (not necessarily in the right order of priorities). Then I went to my mum's doctor (who is now also mine, but back then I didn't have a gynaecologist), he ordered a blood test that came out negative, and two days after that the stupid period decided to show up. I wasn’t pregnant. I only though I was.

So, I've been in Sarah's shoes, sitting by the coast waiting for the ferry to depart and wondering whether to board it. It’s damn difficult to make the decision. In my case, there were no consequences because I was not pregnant. Had I gone to a hospital to have an abortion (I dunno how I would have done it without my parents learning about the pregnancy) they would have told me I was not pregnant so no abortion could be done. However, that’s not the point. The point is I decided NOT to have an abortion when I still though I was pregnant. As John Hamler put it on other thread, you need brass balls to make that kind of decisions. And to strongly believe in your beliefs (if I’m allowed to express it this way. Rachel will for sure correct me if I’ve just wrongly used the English language). Is not an easy decision, and no weak person can decide to keep the baby (which is actually the difficult decision because it’s the one changing your life). The easiest thing to do is to kill the baby (what the hell? The baby won’t complain, will she?) and keep on with your life, business as usual. So, please, don’t take me wrong. Sarah proved to be a very strong person when she decided to keep her babies.

It’s in other order of events that Sarah behaved weak (in my opinion). She married Hugh, a man she didn’t truly love but with whom she was only in love (we can discuss what means to be in love and what true love means; for me there are deep differences: a teenager is in love with each and every of the gazillion boyfriends she has while she’s in high school, but not truly in love with any of them, if I’m explaining myself), a man who had dazzled her but nothing else. She married him because her mum wanted her to do so, more based in social conventions than on important reasons. She could have had the babies and start working as a professional ballerina to support them, but she didn’t. She went to live with a man who had evidently lied to her, even though he preferred to turn a blind eye towards the fact. She allowed herself to fall into post-partum depression, only because it was the easiest way to escape. That’s why I say she has behaved weak.

The above is another reason why I want to understand where are you going with your story, because I might have misjudged the MC and may be proving the wrong advice, which I don’t want to.

One last comment: Hugh is the bad guy here. Make sure he has a reason why. I mean, people are not mean just because. Apparently, it’s easier for Hugh to dump Sarah than to keep her against her will, so, there seem to be few reasons why he keeps insisting. Of course, he might be a kinda psycho who relishes on Sarah saying she loves him when she doesn’t. In that case, make sure he IS a psycho. Otherwise, a mean guy who is mean only for the sake of being mean, like the bad guy in tonnes of soap operas, simply doesn’t hold water and will turn him into an unbelievable character. You don’t need to explicitly explain what the hell is going on inside this brain, it’s enough if you hint it. So far, lemme tell you what I’ve understand from the hints given so far: the guy likes Sarah, but he’s not necessarily in love with her, maybe he likes to control people, even though the latter is not super clear. He’s into some dirty business, probably drugs, white slave traffic, or something of the sort. If he’s the controlling type, then I think you need to write a coupla scenes, not necessarily about Sarah, where he is shown to be greed of control, and thus his ways with Sarah are explained (he treats her like something of his own rather than like a person).

Finally, how about the babies? Is he a caring father or are they only the key to controlling Sarah? This is very important because it will not only further explain Hugh’s behaviour, but will set definite, underlying character traits that will turn him into a tri-dimensional entity.

Wow! Such a large comment. Hope it’s useful.

Kiss,

Gacela

I've just checked and I joined back in March 2012! Wow!!!! That was ages ago! I remember I was still in college and had just decided I wanted to get serious writing a story I had in mind. I tried other sites, but found some of them had a list of requirements to join, like already being a published writer, and in others I didn't felt exactly welcomed.

Then I tried this one. I must admit it was difficult at first, because I was a kinda bad writer back then (not that I'm a very good one nowadays, but I have improved with the help of everybody around here), so I got a bunch of reviews I didn't like. I mean... I felt quite disappointed. Not that people were mean, they only pointed at my flaws and, because they were many, it hurt. It really hurt.

One day, John Hamler, The Dear John Hamler, reviewed my first chapter, rewrote the first para, and was kinda harsh. He pissed me off so I wrote him back a long reply. To my surprise, when he reviewed chapter two, he added the following note:

"Well, well... I must admit, with some shame, that I do a lot of drive-by reviews. Not because I need the points (although that's part of it) but because I relish reading new (to me) authors and see if they engage me. 90% of the time they brush me off. Especially when I disdain more than applaud. Not a big deal --we're all busy people, of course-- but I do get interested when an author is so involved with the idea of a "lit" community that they feel the need to be effusive in defense of their work. And you, Mariana, were not only effusive. You were eloquent, too.

"So there's that... And that's why I'm back for chapter two"

Eloquent.

Can you believe??? I had written a first chapter he'd catalogued as pre-shit but then my answer had been eloquent. It meant: despite I'd written a first chapter full of opportunity areas (to put it gently), I could write well enough to be considered eloquent when defending my work. More than any other polite encouragement so far received ("you have a story to tell"; "you have a really good story here, you just need to polish it up a bit"; "I remember this story; you've cleaned it up a lot from the last time I saw it", etc.) John's words, that my reply had been eloquent, empowered me. So, I was not such a crappy writer at all, but one who could be eloquent if I put my mind to it.

I then decided no new criticism would ever hurt me again. I would learn from anything any reviewer mentioned, and will write, and rewrite, and rewrite until I produced a decent, publishable story, or the end of the world, whatever came first.

The rest is history, because I finished that story (Amber Eyes) and self-published it in Amazon two year ago. As of today, I've almost reach 800 copies sold, which I recognise is no biggie, but it means 800 people have read my story. What else could a writer ask for? Become rich? Well, yes, but I'm in no hurry. Besides, if I keep working hard, writing a lot, endeavouring to improve, with the help of my fellow writers at TNBW, as our Lord uses to say: "all these thing shall be added on to you".

Kiss,

Gacela

Wow! One learns something new every day. It's good I've just learnt this unwritten TNBW rule, in case someday I dare pour half of my story chapters on the site in one single shot. Does anybody has in writing all the TNBW unwritten rules? I'm terrified I might be scolded as Marilyn was each time I violate one of those. How about ending sentences with prepositions? Or splitting infinitives? Gosh! Just thinking about breaking one of those rules gives me the creeps.

Now, seriously: Marilyn, idiots like the one who issued the above comment don't deserve to be part of this site, not to say to call themselves writers. They should be ones asking to get their enrollment fees back.

If somebody floods the front page with their work, what the hell? It's not that the reviewers only search the front page. And it's not that the front page is static and your list of chapters will remain there for ages, jamming it. God! What kind of mental patients used to populate TNBW back then? One may post as many chapters as one wishes on a single day, and nobody should be complaining, even if the front page is temporarily overflowed. If anybody has an issue, the best they can do is to print out exactly those chapters they're complaining about, neatly roll up the paper sheets, fasten them with Scotch tape (for safety reasons), and f**k themselves!

Kiss,

Gacela

Well... two or three people were already apologising in advance above, just in case. But I agree: it's worth mentioning the crime so nobody else may commit it again, but not the criminal's name.

Kiss,

Gacela.

Don't forget that, in America, they haven't used English for years. 

Kiss

Gacela

The Hunger Games is crap, from good-literature standpoint, and it became a best-seller.  It'll hardly be praised, or even thought of, in 20 years.

Selling ≠ good.

Kiss,

Gacela

PS. Hmmm... out of 5, five-star review in Amazon for this book, one person accepts she is a personal friend of the author, and another one that she received the book in exchange of a honest review. In both cases I'd say the reviews may be biased. The rest seem to me the typical all-praise reviews friends and relations use to give to us authors as soon as our book is published, only they don't state so.

If I were the author, I would trust the judgment of somebody like you, Janet, rather than disregarding it, arguing "it's selling".

I don't think the last one should be called "Exile's End" but "Back Home". If an exile has ended, it means you're back home, doesn't it?

Kiss,

Gacela.

I was thinking of John Lennon, but I think Shakespeare is okay.

Kiss

2000 points??? 3000 points??? Wow! Do you guys only review and never publish?

I'm like Seabrass. I'm always short on points.

Kiss,

Gacela