Search options (Page 9 of 18)

The first line of Chapter one of the first novel in my series: It was during that hot summer in ’35 when Mr. Crebs died.

I disagree. If something is happening (which happens?) at the same time as something else, then the "ing" verb is necessary. It just sounds better.

Suin,
In regards to the scene where Alicia's mother stabs her father- I had a question of pace and tension. It felt anticlimatical to me- I get the use of detailing the tea ritual to build things up, but the paragraph about Alicia and her appearance threw off what you initially were trying to do, which was focus the reader on the mother and father.
I, in no way, am trying to rewrite this - but the only way I can explain what I mean is by examples so see what you think.

Current version: She walked barefoot across the hard tiled floor to the kitchen door, aware that her father would give out to her for not wearing anything on her feet, but she didn’t care, she just wanted to see her mother. It would take only three steps for her to go into the kitchen, but she stopped and stood still for a moment. She just wanted to bask in the moment of domestic bliss.
Her mother was sitting in the rocking chair, and her face was glowing from the light of the fire. She was not rocking, but sitting still with a calm, peaceful look on her face. She was dressed in her dressing gown, which Alicia took to be a bad sign. If she was better she would be dressed. That didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t better, Alicia decided. Maybe she would be more alert after drinking some tea.
Her father and Molly were both standing over the oven. Molly was checking on what looked like a roast chicken, while her father was heating the tea pot on the stove. He pulled the cups and saucers out of the cupboard next to the oven, and put them on a tray beside the silver jug and sugar holder. He dropped two spoons onto the tray with a clatter too, and carefully placed the teapot and a plate of biscuits onto the tray. He lifted the heavy tray and carried it to the table in front of his wife.
Jonathon bent over, and tenderly poured her a cup of tea, with just a splash of milk, exactly the way she liked it. He smiled at her as he leaned over, handing her the cup. Alicia smiled too; they looked like such a perfect couple together. She caught his eye as he straightened up, but instead of looking glad to see her, he looked horrified. Alicia looked down, she was covered in mud and a bit of blood from hugging all the Gaelic players, and her clothes were wet from all the snow and sleet. Still, that didn’t explain the reason for the look of sheer horror on his face.
“Daddy,” Alicia whispered in terror. Her father’s white shirt had a rapidly growing patch of red on it. His face turned pale in the space of two seconds.
It was then that she saw her mother sitting calmly in her rocking chair holding a blood coated knife in her hand.

Suggestion:
She skipped across the hard tiled floor to the kitchen door, risking her father’s reprimand  should he catch her running around barefoot. She didn’t care, she couldn’t wait another minute to see her mother. Gently she pushed the door open.
Her mother sat in the rocking chair, her face glowing from the light of the fire, a calm and peaceful look on her face. She was not rocking. Still dressed in her dressing gown, she didn’t move at all. Not a good sign. But that didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t better, Alicia decided. Maybe she just needed some tea to make her more alert?
Alicia spied her father and Molly standing by the oven. Molly was checking on a roasted chicken, while her father removed two cups and two saucers from the cupboard to the right. These he placed on a tray that already held a plate of biscuits, the creamer and sugar bowl.
The teakettle on the stove screamed as steam blew from the spout.
Her father removed it from the heat and added the hot water to the teapot, along with an infuser full of her mother’s special blend. Then he went to the silverware drawer and liberated two spoons and set them down with a clatter next to the creamer. He added the teapot and carried the heavy tray to the table in front of Alicia’s mother.
Alicia watched her father dunk the infuser several times before picking up the teapot and pouring her mother a cup. He added a splash of milk and a teaspoon of sugar- just the way she liked it.
Her mother’s face was a mask. Her eyes barely caught the flickering flames of the fire burning in the kitchen’s fire place, giving the place its warmth.
Her father smiled tenderly, his hand gently touched her mother’s wrist, then handed her the cup. They looked like the perfect couple. Alicia was reminded of better times. Could they be that way again?
She caught her father’s eye as he straightened. Then his eyes widened and his mouth opened. There was a tight crease in his brow. At first Alicia thought the horrified look was directed at her; at the mud and blood that smeared her shirt from hugging all the Gaelic players. But then her father’s hand went to his side as a plume of red spread across his shirt.
“Daddy?” Alicia whispered.
Her father braced himself with his free hand as the color left his face.
Alicia glanced at her mother, sitting calmly in her rocker holding a blood coated knife.

All
I am falling behind in my reviews. I am so sorry. I normally review during lunch hour- and weekends, but we have a new hire at work and I've been blessed with the opportunity to train her. That means catching up my own work during lunch and after hours and - ugh- weekends. In this biz, the deadlines never change.
I will try like hell to catch up and stay on top of things in the following weeks. I just posted Alkemi's and have been working on Jubes'. My order is all messed up- so if I skipped you, I'll get there- I've now been tracking progress through Wunderlist. It keeps beeping at me that I'm overdue!
begging your patience,
CJ

My current book series mixes it up between 1st person and 3rd. There are somethings in the story I want the readers to know before my character. It is perfectly acceptable to use however many POV's you want, if you can make it work. I've seen multiple POV treatment in many mainstream books. However I disagree about writing in first person being claustrophobic. 1st person gives you the opportunity to write in a different voice- with the attitude and moxie of your character. And describing other characters while you put yourself in the persona of your main character can be a blast. I've also had reviewers say stick to one or the other, but their not writing my book, and they only know about the plot as far as they had read it, not what is coming and the reason I had for writing it with the multiple POVs. You should do whatever you need to tell your story.

Thank you!
And thanks for the quickie and the research on "serial murderers". Over the long weekend I went back to working diligently on the first book (I've been neglecting it and decided I need to get serious) and discovered a really good website that covered the history of the FBI, which should help me with some other anachronisms. I discovered the "Identification Order" that was the start of the criminal database. First one was 1919. By 1930s they were circulating. So I think I can use that in a few places!

I think "not necessarily" for the first example. The character is just telling us a story.
Yes, for the second example. The character is addressing the reader to "deal with it".

About grabbing the reader- it doesn't have to be the motivating event. Suin could start with an event that comes from the motivating event- maybe ALicia tries to harm herself- or has a melt down at school. Something to hint at that underlining cause, more so than her just "trying to fit in". Show more of her internal struggle- without telling the reader why.
Or she could start with her mother's first escape- the reveal that her mother was sick behind locked doors wasn't as big of a mystery as the brother's drowning.
CJ

Completed Review of Stefanie's Day of Darkness: Chapters 21-23

Hey Rhiannon, I'm slow too- trying to catch up. Hoping to finish off "the Sword" within the next 2 weeks. And like Norm, I don't know what beta means either.

Liberty

It's happened a few times with my, I assume because i have long chapter worth a lot of points. I've even had a Inline review that miraculously, I only had issues with the first two paragraphs- everything after was spot on. I ignore them and don't reciprocate. Whatever. You get back what you put in. In the long run, they only short-change themselves.