The Query Letter: short and sweet, or "Be my friend" (Page 1 of 2)

Hey A.T.,

I didn't submit to agents, but to small publishing houses. I used the information contained within: Rock Your Query: A Simple System for Writing Query Letters and Synopses (Rock Your Writing Book 3) by Cathy Yardley as I wrote my query letter.

Signed a contract within two months. 
Regards, Randy

Good points, Rhiannon. I'm working on my short stories, too.

Short and to the point with a brief synopsis. Add what makes you the person to write this story. You might want to end with a "From what I've read about you, I think we would be a perfect fit..." kind of flattery, but the whole thing should take one page, single spaced, 12 point font, in either Times New Roman or Ariel, one-inch margins. If it's an online query, print it out to see it it would be this.

Ronald:

That's an amazing analysis! You've just taught a very useful lesson to anybody reading your post, not only to A.T.Schlesinger.

"Agents are on the lookout for something fresh and new."

I wonder if there is really something "fresh and new" in the world. Even bestsellers like Harry Potter and Twilight aren't exactly new stuff. One of Harry Potter rejections stated that so much fiction has been written around witches and wizards that JK Rowling's story lacked of originality. Moreover, by the time JK Rowling sent her first query letters, this ITV (and afterwards Disney Channel) TV series "The Worst Witch" was airing. It's exactly about the misadventures of a student at a witchcraft academy much like Howards. So, an agent rejected JK Rowling story claiming it was just a copy of ITV's idea.

Twilight is yet another vampire story mixed with a lady-in-distress plot. How many stories about both topics have been written? Hundreds. Millions. Ad nauseam.  However, both HP and TW turned into bestsellers, despite their pointed-out lack of originality.

My question is: what makes a story attractive to an agent, and ultimately to the public, in a world where it seems everything has been written? If I'm writing a query letter, which are the points I should highlight that make a difference? What should I search for in my story that opens the gates?

Kiss,

Gacela

After some feedback from my editor, father and the folks here, I have rewritten the blurb. I would be curious if this hits the spot:

The great city of Anderholm dangles at the edge of ruin. Demos Azari has bound a devious evil inside an enchanted box. As a fanatical advisor to the Innocenti, Demos longs to release mankind from its obsession with absent gods, but the imprisoned fiend has its own agenda and the slaughter of humanity is but the least of its goals. Hope resides in Aaron, a magician who searches for an enchanted ruby which holds the knowledge to prevent this evil from escaping the box. Between these men stands Shadyia, a passionate and daring courtesan of the Silver Rose. Concealing both a forbidden romance with a fellow sister and a vengeful past, she must choose which man to favor. Her madam demands Shadyia please Demos to keep the sisterhood safe from the wrath of his order, but Shadyia’s integrity requires she aid Aaron. Will she follow him beneath the Silver Rose and face the shadows of death, or betray him to preserve the sisterhood she cherishes above all?

Also, regarding my OP, I am leaning toward "be my friend" over the efficient, cold letter.

Anyone long for the years, so long ago, when finding a publisher was very hard? Now just to find an agent is very hard and a publisher impossible.

It's POD all the way, baby. Your fate is in your own hands.

There are seven unique names in this short summary. I had to read it several times to wrap my head around it. Also, I was unable to figure out what the Silver Rose referred to. At first I thought it was the name of the sisterhood, but the last sentence seems to suggest otherwise. I suggest simplifying it to reduce the number of names. And definitely lose the italics. It's hard to read. Also, I believe the word "which" after "enchanted ruby" should be "that".

Deviating from straight-up evil, this fiendish thing must be a little bit good, no?   Or maybe his author prefers redundant phrasing.

This just gets worser and worser.  As a disclaimer, I do not like or read what is called 'fantasy,' and my advice is not to try to write a teaser-blurb to entice a reader like me, but this and the original are only successful in directing me away as quickly as I can turn my head. Piling adjective on adjective is never a good idea and especially when word count and succinctness is important. All along name-descriptors are used as if they explain anything, "Silver Rose" (just a brothel?); "brothel (not an adjective) sisterhood" (a prostitutes' trade union or a sort of Vestal reverse-Virgin thing?) "fanatical advisor" (like John Wilkes Boothe?); "sworn enemy" (sworn, really?); "the sisterhood she cherishes above all" (whoring is just a job, after all).

The blurb and a query are two different things. Such an over-the-top blurb might entice a reader of such a 'fantasy' book to dig in, but literary agents who come from an editorial background, like editors, have the sense of humor of tax accountants with a breadth of imagination of a turnip. Just the facts, simply put.

And what does not work? Present your book tongue-in-cheek as if from one of your characters or a phony review from an Ivy-League NYT moron.

Dear:

I'm not a query expert and I have never written a query in my life, but I'd like to provide my two cents. I've read a good deal of the posts in the Query Shark. Using the little I've learnt reading them, here is my advise:

1. Start focusing on the MC. I'm assuming it's Shadya, so focus on her and start the query stating who is her. Rather, you started with scenery ("The great city of Anderholm dangles at the edge of ruin"). Is the fact the city is in ruins important for the story? It doesn't seem so because you don't touch the fact again. Hence, forget about the city.

What makes Shadya a compelling MC? Why should I care about her? Your first lines must indicate the agent why any reader would be interested in her story, because that's what will drive the book's commercial success, which is exactly what interests the agent and ultimately the publisher.

2. What triggers the story? I.e., what is the event that puts everything into motion? Otherwise, Shadya would have been an expensive, classy prostitute for the rest of her life and nobody would have written the story of her life because it'd have been dull. You mentioned a magician and a zealot.  How did they enter her life? What exactly happened that she has to chose one of them?

By the way, you have to explain what is the Silver Rose. If it's a prostitution union, then explain it in plain English. If not, rather than rising my interest, it increases my confusion.

3. Introduce the background, the scenery, etc. only after it is cllear what is the story about and why it's interesting. The best world building shall not suffice if the plot is poor.

4. Do not post open questions (like "Will Shadya fulfill her mission and save the world?"). I don't think an agent would enjoy them. He/she wants to learn, at a glance, whether your story is worth reading. Close your query with something like: "Shadya will start a journey of (whatever) where she will decide (whatever) and will learn (whatever) etc. You may splash it with "risking her life" and/or "risking the life of those she loves" etc to indicate the risk, and some more background and scenery, but at very little doses.

Please check the closing lines of a query praised by the Query Shark. I also think it's the right way to summarise the rest of the plot without going into all the details and actually teasing the agent to ask for the whole manuscript:

"She risks reconnecting with the outlaw underground to prove it, and learns the hard way that she's not nearly as tough -- or as right -- as she thinks she is."

I'd suggest you to rewrite your second attempt. Considering how tough agents are, I don't think it may interest an one of them or stand out amid the many queries agents receive every day.

Kiss,

Gacela

You can always do what Gene Roddenberry did to break into Hollywood.  In the '50's, homosexuality was illegal and one of the biggest deciders in Hollywood was gay.  Roddenberry, who at the time was a motorcycle cop, comes to where the guy is eating, in full cop regalia.  The guy is in a panic.  Roddenberry drops off his manuscript.  The guy is so relieved that he reads it.  The rest is history.  The moral of the story:  it's all in how you present your ideas.

I saw the video. She had common-sense points about writing a blurb for the book, but bear in mind, she's a self-published author, so she's really talking about the book description a potential reader will see on Amazon. A.T., on the other hand, is asking how to write a query letter to attract an agent and/or a publisher. A blurb would be included in that letter, of course, and the tips given in the video are worth reviewing. But it is just one part of it. BTW, the author in the video omits a plot driver that concerns a main character who doesn't really want anything, but is caught in circumstances beyond his control. North by Northwest comes to mind. She should have focused on conflict, rather than the MC out to achieve something and being opposed. Anyway, that was my take.