2024 Presidential Debate Toilet Bowl

By Bill Slack & Pamela Monson

“Greetings from Mile High Stadium, in beautiful Denver, Colorado, bringing you tonight’s anticipated 2024 Presidential Debate Toilet Bowl. This bitter rivalry is set to be an epic showdown /lowdown between our two presidential candidates, Kammi and Donni. Both are political polar-bear opposites featuring male vs female, hair dresser vs hair dresser, name calling vs pouting while leaving sportsmanship in someone’s else's end zone. I’m football’s grand Poohbah, Laces ‘Pigskin’ Manson, and my partner here is Scooter ‘Out-of-bounds’ Dahmer. And I should take the time to mention both our names are just an unfortunate coincidence plaguing us since childhood like a poorly thrown pass.”

“Right you are, and thanks for that introduction, Pigskin. Now, with no further delay, here are tonight’s star Quarterbacks. On the right is a big man ripped from off the D-Line: former President Donald Trump. On the left is a true cheerleader, the Vice President of the United States, straight out of the Special Teams locker room where she just spent five days studying the film of her rival’s trick plays: Kamala Harris.”

Laughing manically, Harris blurted, “What does D-Line stand for? Don-Won Dude? Dumb and Dumber marries Dimwit?”

“Dimwit?! Well, damn if you didn’t get that one right. Can we just be done and dump this Dimwit?” Trump grumped.

“Unsportsman Like Conduct on both teams,” Out-of-Bounds barked. “I will remind the candidates, only your commentators can ask questions. Now if you don’t want us to kick your Lassie into next Thursday and cause Timmy to fall down your well head first, stop asking dumb questions. Pigskin, will you please kickoff this first official debate?”

“The initial question is for Trump, who didn’t win the last coin toss any more than he did the last election.” Pigskin looked at the Teleprompter. “When did you stop beating your wife, kids and dog?” He then appeared confused. “Wait, somethings not right here…”

Trump made a face. “What?! I’ve never beat my wife, my kids, or my dog. The only thing I’m about to beat is her with a ballot box.”

“Oh! Oh! Sorry. My bad. Wrong question. That’s from my Jury Duty questionnaire form. So sorry…” Pigskin apologized.

Disguised as laughter, a strange cackling erupted from the left.

Without looking towards the cackler, Trump snorted, “Seriously?!”

Pigskin snorted back, “Look, I said I was sorry.”

Out-of-bounds pointed at Harris, “Blind Side Block! This is your first warning.”

“What are you warning me for?” Harris defended. “I don’t own a dog. Dogs… dogs are… they have dog hair and eat dog food, well, because they are, you know, dogs.”

“Word salad!” Trump shouted. “And the illegals you let into this country are eating dogs and cats. You know that, don’t you?”

Harris grimaced, showing her canines, “I’ve never eaten a dog in my life.”

“There! Right there! She just admitted that only the illegals are eating dogs and cats. Since it’s not her, it’s the illegal, in the conservatory, with the candlestick. You both just heard it. Obama’s got no birth certificate. Told ya so.”

“What I heard is nobody is asking you a question.” Pigskin tried to regain a semblance of command presence. “Now, stop this scrimmage before you get a Delay of Debate.”

“Dare you. Go ahead, delay his dumb Debate, and give him a cognitive test too while you’re at it. He sounds just like Biden. I mean eating dogs and cats is just crazy. Well, I didn’t mean it like that.” Cackling once again erupted from the left as Harris tried to cover up her fumble.

Trump stared down his rival. “Yes, you did.”

“Don’t be a dick.”

“Too late!”

Note: Worthy of a Tackle for Loss, two Field Goals and a Pick Six, no one is sure if it was Pigskin, Harris, Trump, or Out-of-bounds who should be credited for the “too late” comment. In lieu of actual facts, Trump was fined $450 million dollars by CNN.

Out-of-bounds used his deep, reassuring tone to restore order. “This next question is for the Vice President. Have you ever profited from, participated in or been in the same locker room with a Kicker, a serial killer or a box of cereal while singing ‘Moon River’? You’ll have a two-minute Time Out starting now to consider your answer.”

“Wait, I was never asked a question!” Trump interrupted.

“Does the brand of cereal matter?” Harris inquired.

“No, the cereal doesn’t matter!” Trump quipped.“Why are you giving her all the easy questions? Ask her if she’s ever worked at McDonald’s.”

“Targeting with Forcible Contact to the Head and Neck,” Pigskin ruled.

“Too Many Men on the Field,” Out-of-bounds concurred. “That’s it, Mr. Trump, you’re disqualified for the second half of the debate.”

“I’d like to be perfectly clear on this matter.” Kamala smiled. “I’ve eaten at McDonald’s many times over and I love their Whoppers.”

Ignoring Harris, Pigskin continued, “While the Vice President is silently finishing her two-minute Time Out, Mr. Trump, here is your final question. Why has your opponent changed her mind on fracking, the New Green Deal, abortion, inflation, Afghanistan, dogs and both the electric chair and electric car mandates?” Pigskin looked at his watch. “You have thirty seconds starting… now!”

“What the hell… She has changed her mind so much I am going to send her a MAGA hat.”

“Taunting!”

“Defenseless Player!”

“More like Senseless Player.”

“Ineligible Player Downfield! Re-play 4th down.”

Harris tried to look puzzled rather than outright confused. “You tell him, I’m not the Boarder Czar. And that’s my final answer.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“R Two Dee Too.”

“TMI.”

“Sore looser.”

“Tampon Tim.”

“Hillbilly.”

“MIA”

“Well, it’s half time and since Mr. Trump has been disqualified for the second half of this debate due to the Targeting call…”

“Hey, that’s not fair! I got shot!” Trump protested.

“You got shit, you Deplorable. I’ve prosecuted Drug Lords and Drug Abusers, I’ve been a United States Senator and I’ll have you know, I have been to the border many times buying Tequilla.”

“There are two penalties on the play.” Pigskin ruled. “Holding and Incomplete Gass. The penalties are off-setting.” He sniffed then quietly asked Out-of-bounds, “Do you smell that? What is it?”

“Personal Foul,” Out-of-bounds whispered back. “Whew… Somebody cracked a rat.”

“Well, that cracked rat damn sure cut the cheese on that Incomplete Backward Passer/Gasser.”

“Well, Pigskin, how bad does a Democrat have to smell to get a Kennedy to switch sides and endorse a Republican?”

Harris raised a finger and cocked her head to one side as she snickered sideways. “Request a Time Out!”

“Harris, you’re already on a Time Out.” Out-of-bounds then pointed his finger at Harris.

“Illegal Gesturing!” Pigskin flapped a yellow flag then threw it to the floor. “Harris, use the proper finger!”

“Time to enforce the time out and make her shut up,” Trump muttered, unconsciously using his correct finger to massage his mutilated right ear. In a fit of temper, he then switched to using his middle finger causing himself to take a deep breath and smile reassuringly at the repurposed football moderators.

“One more word and I’ll slap you with an Ineligible Player Downfield,” Pigskin warned Trump.

Using a technique perfected in the 7th grade, Harris rolled her eyes. “He’s such a waste of time.”

“Weak White House,” Trump taunted.

“Putin lover,” Harris retorted.

“Well, Putin didn’t endorse me did he, Kameleon?”

“And there you have it. Folks, this debate is over. Tell me Pigskin, have you ever been more enlightened, enthralled, entranced, and frightened than with this 2024 Presidential Debate Toilet Bowl?”

“Oh, I’m speechless right now. I am so honored to have been included in this new format with you. I feel like a Blocked Kick hit me square in both goalposts.”

“How right you are, Pigskin. This has been an unforgettable evening loaded with awe-inspiring Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This SHIT should certainly encourage all Democrats, Republicans, and Illegals Aliens to get out there and vote.”

“For everybody here, the SHIT offered by these candidates has taken on new meaning…”

“…and Pigskin, don’t forget depth…” Out-of-bounds interjected.

“…at Mile High Stadium here in Denver, Colorado,” Pigskin concluded.

“And for anyone who believes they didn’t get their fair share of SHIT tonight, stay tuned for the Spin Room., where our Quarterbacks have their pundits waiting to clean up any inadvertent blunders, fumbles, and interceptions committed during the debate,” Out-of-bounds informed the viewers.

Staring at the fine print on the Teleprompter, Pigskin manically recited: “This has been a non-attorney spokesman. Not everyone will achieve the same results. Don’t take SHIT if you’ve had a vaccine or plan to. If you get a lump or swelling in your breast, get that SHIT taken care of.” Changing voices, he concluded, “For Debate fans everywhere, both myself and Out-of-bounds are leaving the field.” Smiling straight into the camera, Laces “Pigskin” Manson saluted then turned a knob to the off position.

When static and snow covered the screen, Scooter “Out-of-bounds” Dahmer grimaced and said, “Let’s get the hell out of here before we get shot, too.”

“We need a new job,” Pigskin lamented.

“We need a bottle of bourbon,” Out-of-bounds corrected.

“Hey, Buddy, do you know what Star Trek, toilet paper, and elections have in common?”

“No… can’t say that I do.”

“They all circle around Uranus looking for Klingons.”

“We’re back to that Special High Intensity Training thing, aren’t we?”

“Yea, we’re Mile High in SHIT again,” Pigskin agreed. “Let’s go get that drink. You’re buyin’.”

© Copyright 2025 B Douglas Slack. All rights reserved.