One thing I haven't addressed well enough in my thinking is Momma and Poppa, Melayne and Caneth. They were a good team, and are weaker without each other. Once Caneth (name will probably change a little) is rescued that will change, and they should probably have rough patches learning again how to work together.
By then, the fraying of The Covenant should be the bigger issue.
You're gonna make me reply point by point, huh?
I ended my review reply with a smark-alek remark, a paraphrase from the infamous Field and Stream review of Lady Chatterely's Lover. My point is that you're mistaking one thing for another. It is, of course, my fault.
Seriously. My fault. I have to learn how screenwriters get from point to point without turning it into more narrative--which modern practice argues to turn into dialogue--about nothing at all.
About the only author I've read who can make this 'junk DNA' into something priceless is Dorothy Sayers, and her best example is Gaudy Night. What is the purpose of the hospital scene with Harriet and Viscount St. George? From the plot, nothing. From theme, thesis, and the particular meaning(s) to Harriet, ... what happened then, well that's the play.
Dorothy Sayers I am not. Nor, I hope, am I Mervyn Peake (and I have never dared to put Gormenghast on my reading list).
I mentioned at the end of my last review, I'd post some of my impressions here so far for your consideration -
Story opening: Home run. Why? The story's trigger and key that draws the characters into the plot are all hitting right away and sneaks up on the reader. The way Shogrun goes from 0 - 60 sneaks up on you. He starts out with the impression he's just ticked off about the abuse of his pets, but escalates from there on showing it wasn't really premeditated - we call this realistic. The stakes are thrown at the reader right away and are as obvious as a truck coming at you: 1. My father was kidnapped! 2. That evil slime even took the baby! 3. I need to get them back! 4. Who the hell are you soldier boy? Wait, you're that guy who started this mess in my house! And one of the best points is the big hint from seeing how Shogrun seems to be rather well off that there is a power behind him to contend with later.
Well, you picked up on one hint, but missed another that's buried in the dialogue. Not a gilt-edged clue but a hint. You'll understand that as the author I have to say that's good.
To the larger point: in a sense, the opening scene, chapter, even the whole opening couple of books are a bait-and-switch.
Here's the Grand Strategy: Merran's family is caught in an event that is (eventually) traced to disturbances from outside their world. Before they discover the source, they see other worlds being disturbed by People With Good Intentions, Bright Ideas, And No Judgement. These are abetted by People Who Clutch Power (and Authority) Like A Threatened Birthright, and both of the preceding are used by String Pullers, Power Brokers, and Power Hoarders. And all of the preceding are nudged and pressured by Malignancies, which, while not a powerful as Sauron, are much more attractive and enticing.
Magic system: Okay with room for improvement. Why? No apparent cost is one problem for me. I didn't forget the comments right above this one from before, but I'm on chapter 22 and have seen no costs to using magic more freely than a potato peeler in an Idaho field of Russet potatoes.
I get the strong impression from watching the abundant usage of magic that these sorcerers can go on forever using it to: cook, clean, heal, harm, hunt and kill, and everything in between with no cost to themselves. They don't get exhausted, they don't suffer ill effects if they exceed their limits - do they have limits? They certainly have distinctions of abilities among themselves. Masters are at the Academy and there are some references of sorcerers knowing who is stronger than who. And yet there were some examples of drawing on external power sources (magical stones) for accomplishing tasks at hand alluding to limits.
I'm bucking Good Advice here precisely because I want the consequences to be the various temptations of Power. I paint this in tar on the white cliffs in the section with Nikkano, but Erevain also provides some hints in his behavior. Melayne gets a lesson late in B1, and may act too timidly later. Merran will act in legitimate self-defense and see horrible consequences.
I turn the lurymants from monsters to an essential partner-for-survival of a people, and I may even succeed in giving the reader a sense of wonder about them.
Not the tool, but the abuse, and the temptation to abuse.
And I'm developing a sense as I write that there may be a sort of Tragedy of the Commons with power: pile up too much in one place and the whole system goes critical. Before I even realized I was thinking that way, I put in the line about "Being greatest became more important than being great."
Limits and such may be in later chapters, but it would be very beneficial to put an example or two in prior to chapter 20. The Elemental Fire - I think I mentioned before that traditionally, fantasy authors from novices to the big fish use Water as the element for healing since it has some realism to it. Blood is mostly water and the body has a lot of it so it makes sense in that respect. ...
I do say that, although the Elements may generally be interchanged, some tasks are very specific to one or the other. I meant to foreshadow this, rather explicitly, with Melayne's meditations on vinegar and other flavors. I'm probably not skilled enough to go metaphoring around like that, but I didn't let it stop me!
I also let Kirsey do some 'magic' sorcery that should give a hint at the system underneath the system. There's a strong metaphor in the layers of chemistry and physics.
Using Fire is interesting ... If you've read the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher (quite the arrogant ass IMO if you've seen his comments before including his letter to Nanowrimo which did anything but encourage hopeful authors) his MC Harry Dresden, wizard for hire, has something similar to your world build Sorsight. But JB incorporates a *cost* for wizards to use their wizard eye (I forget what he called it). When looking upon something purely evil or deeply scarred psychology, the wizard can go mad or become violently ill for days.
Of course, it is possible for dangerous uses of Power to escape their controllers. Remember Melayne's thought in the kitchen about how Merran must learn to respect the ((natural)) way of things? See this brief analysis of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein--and the article goes beyond it's title.
When you get far enough, you'll see (I hope) that Kirsey's wolves are not robots or cyborgs. They are wolves, and Kirsey must respect that. Respect the way of things--call it the Tao, or call it Natural Law--but when you don't, you break more than you build. Sometimes much more.
Speaking of living beings as robots and cyborgs, I have two hideous things that I hope to be able to pull off later in the story, and one of them is linked to things you'll see--oooh, I've got Kirsey pushed off to Chapter 33. The first part of that should be earlier. I pulled it all together because I wasn't sure where to intercut it. Go ahead and read it sooner. There's a place indicated that intercuts the adventure I mentioned earlier for Merran and Glaselle, but I don't think it will spoil anything for you. This is character intro and extended adventure with some unexplained sorcery thrown in. It's a lot to review, but I'd really like your thoughts on it.
Character impressions: The MC is a young girl thrown into tragic circumstances, but takes the bull by the horns and decides to do something about it. Heroic fantasy novels are often heavily slanted toward male MC's so this diverges in a refreshing way. Not only is the gender bucking the trend, but her demeanor is strong willed and decisive. You see this even before the opening hook action by her stubborn streak displayed toward her parents. Jaden has an interesting military background provided from the beginning and through the chapters. This character needs work IMO to avoid becoming just the background himself. Granted, he's not meant to be the MC, but he is meant to be a major character. Stop gagging him with narrative and let him talk in dialogue more often. Most importantly, provide him a *slant* to his character.
There's a slant developing now, though you may not be seeing it yet. Merran is an only child; Jamen grew up in a large family. Watch how they react and interact with Harsan's family
I plan to split him off and give him some time on his own, and some time with Kirsey as well. But I don't have much of that mapped out. I hope also to get some Unresolved Sexual Tension between him and Merran--and they're not fated to end up together. I hinted in Melayne's first chapter that Merran's change to Real Woman is imminent. It is. (No, I don't expect to go into menstruation. Let the Women-As-Heroic-Fantasy-Heroine-Feminine-Mythos authors go that route if they will.)
The late David Eddings wrote an amazing bestseller series called The Belgariad and The Mallorean. ... What is Jamen's slant? He gets along with Merran, he pays attention and follows along on the magic explanations, but other than providing some military training tidbits he doesn't seem to have a slant at all. I would've expected him to carry a "Magic can't do everything and for most of what you show me I can do without magic in a different way."
From the first scene with Harsan and Glasias, he's been the one the little kids turn to--and he's the one who can relate to them.
As we go on, he'll differ with Merran at times, even as he sticks with her. His judgement calls for more caution, but kids in danger will override it. That's about as far as I can go in B1.
He and Merran will be separated for a while in B2, and then for much longer, partly due to the UST that one or the other feels.
Oh, and Merran thinks he has feelings for Glaselle. He doesn't, but she has some feelings for him. They'll pass, and I'm not sure I can play them up properly.
This could be a source of mild conflict with sorcerers they meet and you could even have him undergo an epiphany later on where he sees the use of magic in a different light. As he is now, he's "I'm following Merran." And little else is coming across from him. I like Giselle's design so far. She pays a lot of attention to Merran and that's realistic to me. There are hints dropped in that she also pays attention to Jeran, so the reader is teased with maybe she is attracted to him.
Oops. Okay, it's working. I hope that all of this traces, sort of, to what we see in their first meeting.
Glaselle is paying attention to Merran for several reasons: Merran in their/her guest, Merran has in a very rough problem because of her father (and, we'll see a bit later, Barris), Merran is a girl her own age who is also a sorcerer--and a rare chance for a girl-friendship, Merran is a very talented fellow student--a source of frustration but also attraction, Merran gave off loud clatters of awkwardness at their first meeting, and Merran came along with Jamen.
Giselle is shown both in skill, experience, and attitude she can be very different than Merran and the contrast helps keep me interested in the character progression. I did think you benefit more if you took the opposite approach of "I'm happy for you Merran as I mentally add up all the pros going for you." It's more realistic for her to think and/or exhibit some traces of jealousy.
It will be hard for Glaselle to feel bitter jealousy toward Merran because of Merran's difficulties, and because this chance for girl-bonding is rare. She gets some difficulty during training, and I could give her a trace of troubling jealousy early on--but just that. Her 'development' here should be subtle. And she's also going to have a brief--and scary--adventure alongside Merran. But she should feel a little of the 'I wish I had that too' jealousy, realizing that she's romanticizing the situation. She has a scene late in B1, and I can probably work some of that in.
I look forward to your thoughts about her private scene with Merran the night before Merran and Jamen leave.
..., but I hope to see more clashes of opinions, ideas, and maybe even beliefs down the line from the character interactions. No, they shouldn't be constantly fighting and clawing and scratching at each other, but some in moderation goes a long way.
There's some push and pull on decisions, but it can't be so strong as to pull them apart--at least not yet. If anything I need to let Jamen regret not being more of a check on Merran.
Plot/Events: As I mentioned, the opening hook is great and doesn't get much better than that with early timing to boot. If you're following the 3 act structure or some variant that is closely similar then I should be coming up quick on the 1st major conflict point in your plot. A 1st conflict point recommended at around the 20-25% mark of the novel, a climax of events at around the 50% mark, and a final conflict point at around the 75% mark followed by a resolution for the ending. That's the template but, of course, it's not something that must be adhered to exactly as it's a guide.
I'm not following the three-act structure, and as the characters' threads separate they should shift out of sync for a while, making such a structure for all of them a matter of coincidence or synchronicity. There should be a major synchronization after ... or perhaps before? the future chapter called The Observatory. It's sitting at the end of B2 for now, and I'd really, really appreciate your opinions on it. You probably shouldn't take it up until after Merran's B1/B2 cliffhanger is resolved. I'm trying for some big effects and maybe I've succeeded.
In The Secrets of Story Matt Bird writes that the writer's business is not destroying expectations but creating them. I need to be sure I'm doing that.
Being a quick study isn't necessarily a substitute for experience. What do you say to giving the first book of a series to a well-recommended professional and doing subsequent books yourself, with the first book as a model?
Fingers well crossed.
Some minor edits to the new chapter, titled Dirtier than Dirt. It's a crummy title, and I'm open to suggestions. I cut a few words, combined some sentences, and managed to add about forty words. It's over 3,000 now (eeeek!) But it will be good for a few review points.
3000 words to get to street level in The Rockpile. I'll put it up later and you can tell me where to cut.
LOTR is a Milieu story. MICE: Milieu, Idea, Character, Event (O.S.Card). What you describe belongs to a Character story.
Well, you know best. Since I'm pretty centered on my own story, I'm letting hard bits idle while I work on other parts. Regardless, I'll be eager to read your story as it comes.
Looking at the next brief part of their journey, I can see 1,000 to 1,900 words here as well. 19 short stages, estimate 55 to 100 words each. There's a huge amount of description, so Amy can come out with the machete. But remember, I don't want it to go to 3,800 words!
More than interesting, it is valuable. If I read your publisher's web page correctly, you'll be doing publicity yourself. I think everybody here will be interested in your experience with that!
Fixed. Tnx. I fear it's more Bored than Lawd.
No Daylighters allowed.
From Kate Paulk. USA politics, translated into Aussie. YMMV
Indie rights
I'm reaching for 1,800 words, and I've just got Merran off that d***ed hill.
Pausonallie must have read the doubt in Merran's voice. "It was a new district they opened up about twenty years ago. Thorodeus can give you the whole history. They called it the 'Gold Stone Plat' but that name didn't stick. Then they called it the 'Hammered Stone District'. Then they abandoned it for another area they built, and now people use it for unofficial things, clubs and stuff, and we've started calling it the Rockpile. You'll see why."
Oh, and congratulations. It's great to hear you made it!
Sorry to hear about the semicolons. "They're not much used, so we won't use them," is a follower mentality that does not contribute to the wisdom of the crowd.
You might want to mention the dialog tag point in a more widely read group forum, for the benefit of people who want me to use more inventive tags 
.
It's not that I want to ...
Time now to commit my prose, fragments and notes on The Rockpile to type. Putting it in order is probably four to six days work.
The chapter now called The Rockpile may become Seeming if the new stuff gets nesrly as long as I expect. Amy, I may out-wordcount your Catacombs jouney in one day of Merran's visit to The Academy.
I hope one day to be able to use that line!
A loping Trollope
I take far too many words for description. Professor T. spent extravagently, but got his value. Even when I have a good idea, like the blood of stone, it drags for the reader.
We'll see what you think of the opening of The Rockpile, which won't go up in the next 36 hours. I keep getting all sorts of Very Good Ideas that need to be worked in to the parts already written, already sketched, and floating in my head.
You are writing an epic fantasy, with sundered fragments of worlds and patched dimensions. Melayne is gathering the power required to save a world. Merran's story is just beginning. ...
You say that adding description isn't your style. I cross my eyes. You parse your words. I point out that the best chapter you've written was the statues and monument to the Sundering. As far as I'm concerned, that is where Merran's story begins. That chapter was fucking GREAT.
Suck it up, buttercup. Your material is stronger with a mere couple more lines of description placed in the right couple of paragraphs.
Not everyone agrees with the GREAT, and you want more than a mere couple of lines. I, OTOH, am trying to get to my story, of which the elements listed are mere prelude, with the reader still following along. Heck, I'm trying to get to the prelude.
Are they a scam because they don't do what the promise, or because they are unnecessary? If the latter, are there people who could benefit from them?
The deer and the ant elope.
Terrific link. You might send it to The Passive Guy.
