In flipping through some print-copies, I noticed places for improvement in a couple of chapters. I just made some minor edits to Master Yage and Pegeen -- I. If anyone feels the need to review for points, I'll repub.
2,501 2015-11-12 16:38:14
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
2,502 2015-11-12 14:08:58
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I'm trying to approach it as a reader. If I'm working with pieces, it's because that's what I've been given. I'm not inventing a story out of whole cloth. (See =Steppenwolf=, H. Hesse, the scenes behind the Madmen Only door.)
2,503 2015-11-12 13:30:26
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Warning: Heresy follows!
though trying to figure out how to accommodate an age-old patriarchal faux-pas has proven bewildering.
You can look at it like that, but the term 'patriarchical' ignores the actual evolutionary biology of our species. Different gender roles follow both from the differing 'selfish gene' strategies of male and female, and from Ricardo's Law of Comparative Advantage (very well explained in PJ O'Rourke's =Eat The Rich=). Without these behaviors, we might not have survived as a species. The behaviors might be obsolete, or they might remain suited to our biology, but they are not well-represented in the word 'patriarchy', which suggests the outcome of a struggle designed to advantage some, rather than a strategy that gave survival to all.
Attributing blame incites resistance and stops thinking--on both sides. (If it's THEIR fault, the problem lies with THEM). Most people like the chance to be part of a solution. Almost nobody likes to be told s/he is part of the problem.
2,504 2015-11-12 13:18:44
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Day after day, Kha was cleaned and fed, marking the passing of time by each shift of healers who appeared at his bedside. Too weak to talk, his mind recovered first. xxxxxxxxxxx A cold draft oozed from the single pane of glass as the world outside continued on without him and marked the passing of seasons.
There's a Cheap Trick that might work well here: Start with simple sentences and broken thoughts and end with longer, more literate sentences, the last one compound or complex.
2,505 2015-11-12 12:18:37
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
So, for the sake of pushing past my somewhat Aristotelian preconceptions, let me quote my questions:
I don't understand the grounds on which you argue that the descriptionist/prescriptionist dichotomy is a false or superfluous, and misleading distinction. Are you arguing that there are no pure d's and pure p's (ie. all d's are in some measure p's, and vice-versa) or that there is no difference between description and prescription? Or that the distinction misleads us to wrong conclusions? Or are you arguing on some other grounds?
In other words, are you arguing that there is no distinction between describing and prescribing, or that the people engaged in one are engaged in the other, either intrinsically or by universal accident?
Or does some other factor, intrinsic or functional, obliterate the distinction?
2,506 2015-11-12 10:07:58
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
I am a strong skeptic of the possibility of AI unless AI is always to be confined to the sort of intelligence that can only produce the grammar in: Can anyone think of myself as a third sex. Yes, I am expected to have.
Glad to hear you say it. Now, would you please explain why, per my question above, the prescriptivist/descriptivist dichotomy is, as you term it, an un-concept. I expect I'll disagree with you--respectfully, I hope--but you have whetted my curiousity.
2,507 2015-11-12 09:55:39
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Since you asked, in the review, I suggest something along these line:
“You didn’t answer my question. We’re north of the Shattered Plain. Binen is between us and safety. We both know that city is filled with crawling death that will find us eventually! We’re taking a big risk!”
Express this in IM. Explain Melody's response also in Kha's IM. Four lines, not counting a paragraph break. In Dictates, same thing from Jaylene's perspective, maybe slight difference in info.
Straight narrative: (2 sentences on the Wolves and their history). So now Kha was ... . Melody was with him. Jaylene was ... Their best fighter, Tazar was ... Conloth ... and Dresdorf the dwarf ... .
In the present tense: he's doing it.
Once he grounded and stamped the base into this loose gravel, he’d scan this hole and test if there was old magic here.
Kha swung the piece of sambas wood over his head and rammed it into the floor of the cave. The ground connected.
Something was wrong.
(Fleuron)
Jaylene falling.
Tazar fighting.
Kha (or his hand) and the Black Staff.
(If there is another reveal to be coming via Kaldar's memory, give us a glimpse of what happens to him; otherwise not.)
Begin the first chapter here.
Mandates:
Kha woke up to find himself laying in a simple bed with white linen sheets. The act of opening his eyes exhausted him. The lids sagged, too heavy to lift.
A woman’s voice ...
Drop this middle part.
Someone lifted his head and put a wet cloth in his mouth. He sucked it with the desperation of a hungry babe. A few swallows later, the world faded.
Someone turned him, running a damp rag along his backside. The chill made him moan. He didn’t want to be cold anymore. He was rolled back. Someone lifted his head with a strong wide hand. Warm broth appeared by his mouth.
Rephrase the first sentence without using 'someone' as the subject. You're super-close in his POV; passive is appropriate. So is 'Kha felt someone ...' or 'Strong, hard hands rolled him ....'
“Don’t gulp. Slow...that’s the way,” said a soothing voice.
Kha drank until his head fell away from the bowl. Broth dribbled down his neck.
The person with the cloth cleaned up his mess.
Last part: `Wiped him clean.' Yes, Kha is proud and thinks negatively of the situation and the need. But we're mired with him in his perceptions.
Stomach uncomfortably full, Kha drifted back to sleep.
Kha's mental state precludes so intricate a sentence.
Day after day, Kha was cleaned and fed, marking the passing of time by each shift of healers who appeared at his bedside. Too weak to talk, his mind recovered first. xxxxxxxxxxx A cold draft oozed from the single pane of glass as the world outside continued on without him and marked the passing of seasons.
Skip the middle stuff, or just say they talked. He may not remember much, and you'll reveal the info later. Even 'day after day' is a conclusion that he can't make until later.
One day, he heard a man’s voice. “Master Kha, can you hear me?” the person asked hopefully.
Not sure about the 'one day'. If Kha is in shape to remember, give us a detail (cold, light, his aches); if not, 'hopefully' is too clear a perception.
So we're in the first chapter now, past the prologue.
I'm assuming that this comes after the Su Cinibre sequence. If so, maybe you should have a sentence about some experience of it that's only explained when we read Acts.
His stomach was full but nausea threatened to make him toss up the precious food.
Friends were dead, but what about the living? What happened to Melody and Airen? What about Tazar and Drezdorf?
How did Conleth die? Did he suffer?
Dragon attacks were rare but not unheard of. Why was a dragon flying over the Earthwound at the exact moment that the Wolves decided to explore? How could a dragon cause a cave-in?
My team. My family. They are human, so I knew I would outlive everyone except Melody, but I never expected to lose them so soon. No one has visited. Where can they be?
Sorrow overwhelmed him. How was he going to hunt everyone down when he could barely lift his head?
Conleth died but I have to find the others.
Kha's weak, and this should be too.
Or ... maybe ... these are Kha's thoughts (more reflective), and perhaps some of his words, writing the letter. Or we segue from the thoughts (at the start of a chapter or fleuronated scene) to the letter as he sets it down and sets out. (Give us thought with the secondary effect of time and date, so we link to Jaylene's timeline.)
Next chapter: establishing shot that tells of his journey to Aerie; he is at the gate.
Okay, let's see KH tear this up.
2,508 2015-11-12 04:24:27
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
2,509 2015-11-12 04:20:10
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Good start. Some initial thoughts... and you know that I don't hold back...
a) The chapter is paced in frantic mode. There are maybe 8 chapters packed in here. Climb -> Cave -> Chaos -> Rescue -> Aftermath -> change in casting. Yowza...
b) I'm familiar/comfortable with the characters but a new reader will find this an onslaught of names that whiz by in a blur and have no time to stick. Adjusting the pacing will help this.
c) njc says cut back like 60% of the event-dump. I say 95%. Give the story room to breathe, girl
d) in fact, I recommend you pick the most important three and make this chapter about them. Everyone else should be "the others" until chapter two. Important: A high-energy or high-charisma character (or both) needs to counter-balance Kha (Airen? Jaylene? Animal-Ears-Piorx?) You've got no synergy running against him except a brief moment with Anver. Synergy begats chemistry. Chemistry begats reader immersion. Reader immersion begats sales.So my advice: keep the concept, toss the shopping list and run with it
I think you're wrong about the characters in (d). The only characters we should see are those whose stories were are going to follow later. This is One Big Hook where the characters are launched into their nighmares. It should also provide a common point of reference. Ideally you would name your three primary characters and at most one additional character for each (while hinting at many more). Anver serves as Kha's second, so you can name one more person from the school. And this is where you can show both Jaylene falling and a glimpse of Tazar fighting.
If you name ancillary characters, do it in the last paragraph or two, once the base is seared into our nervous system. (And that searing should give us the sense that Old Evil is awakening.)
And you can use the same prologue for all three books/storylines if you hold it under about 650 words.
2,510 2015-11-11 22:08:20
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
I certainly don't consider the French Academy to be a free market! I would consider them to be prescriptivists-for-engineered-change, even as they slap down organic change.
I don't understand the grounds on which you argue that the descriptionist/prescriptionist dichotomy is a false or superfluous, and misleading distinction. Are you arguing that there are no pure d's and pure p's (ie. all d's are in some measure p's, and vice-versa) or that there is no difference between description and prescription? Or that the distinction misleads us to wrong conclusions? Or are you arguing on some other grounds?
2,511 2015-11-11 13:00:57
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
"descriptivists" and "prescriptivists" are anti-concepts created to provide a fallacious argument. Your hair-splitting on a fallacious argument is pointless.
Please explain the concept of 'anti-concept'.
Please explain the fallacy you see in my distinction between prescription-for-change and prescription-for-continuity.
2,512 2015-11-11 06:42:07
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
njc wrote:Clever.
Do you dispute the claim or the utility of the claim? Do you dispute it absolutely or as a matter of degree?
Or would you just asperse in my general direction?I dispute the claim any human being does or thinks anything (pre)determined by classification. It is always amusing when the "scientist" puts his little balls in the bucket, counts them, and declares the end of the research, and then someone comes along and declares a miscount (as you just did).
Explain please where you see a miscount. I posited that there are two patterns of action among prescriptivists, based on purpose and intent. (I do not say conscious or un-). If someone acts with intent, does that predetermine him by classification? Or domyou argue that prescriptivists act without intent and without purpose to their prescribing?
2,513 2015-11-10 23:27:54
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Clever.
Do you dispute the claim or the utility of the claim? Do you dispute it absolutely or as a matter of degree?
Or would you just asperse in my general direction?
2,514 2015-11-10 13:58:46
Re: Punctuation (296 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
It seems to me that there are two kinds of prescriptivists: those that try to keep the herd together by prescribing what the descriptivists find and those that, like the French Academy, prescribe in order to steer the herd in one direction or another--anywhere but where it would naturally go.
2,515 2015-11-10 11:34:47
Re: Say the first word that comes to mind... (1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Or I, Mudd.
2,516 2015-11-10 11:33:05
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I've addressed a few of the bigger problems near the start of Nikkano. Again, feel free to ask for a repub.
2,517 2015-11-10 08:37:24
Re: You again? Yes! Looking for a sample. (10 replies, posted in Fantasy World Builders)
Are these PoV shifts in scenes or at scene breaks?
I have in front of my one of Jane Haddam's mysteries, Act of Darkness. Although it's one of her earlier ones, I believe it is representative of her work. In this one, the chapters are divided into scenes (and scene sequences) that are numbered (almost as though they were chapters). Most are too short to be a chapter, but the boundaries often accompany PoV shifts.
Taking a quick look at another early work, Quoth the Rave I see the same kind of division. (Both are in paperback editions, now yellowing.)
2,518 2015-11-09 21:37:09
Re: Say the first word that comes to mind... (1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
"Schenectady!"
2,519 2015-11-09 21:35:08
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
We saw the Kha-gutting part of Earthwound in one of the shadowbook pages. Anything we see earlier should be complimentary to it. It should leave, and perhaps ask, questions that are answered in the shadowbook.
Of course, there's no reason to give all the answers in one place, or one book.
2,520 2015-11-09 17:24:28
Re: Say the first word that comes to mind... (1,634 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
gone viral
2,521 2015-11-09 16:04:52
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
If Amy needs a prologue in Mandates, it might best be in Omniscient, so as to avoid creating a PoV conflict. Problem is, such a prologue leads the reader into Acts and through the early Kha chapters, and then back into Mandates. The movement has to be finessed. My thinking at this instant is a short, Omniscient prologue, maybe a glimpse/teaser of the Black Staff, w/out explanation, then Kha writing the letter and leaving the school, and some musing about finding himself, finding what happened, and then fixing himself ... and about the importance of his old friends, or what's left of them, to the process.
That provides the tie to Acts in the letter, the tie to Dictates in the events of the Earthwound, and the hint of the Old Gang riding again.
2,522 2015-11-09 11:25:12
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I wasn't suggesting clues in the timeline, but mention of events common to both, things happening in the world around them, and things that take on meaning when you know the other story. In Acts, you have Kha leaving and returning, so that brackets Mandates. You could put in an end-of-chapter note saying that Kha's story is picked up in the other book.
2,523 2015-11-09 05:11:56
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
The timeline's not a bad idea, and if you do it well it will be a teaser for the other books. Don't put in the jacket; put it in the front matter, or in an appendix.
But I think you can tweak things to link them together in other ways too.
2,524 2015-11-09 05:08:46
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I'm not answering K's objections. I'm amplifying them. Let me know if you'd like a re-pub. (Unfortunately, previous reviews become invisible. There really has to be a better way to leave historical material visible without showing it as alternate chapters. It's a variation on the version-control/version management problem that software deals with constantly.)
2,525 2015-11-09 03:39:16
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Anant the Chapter 54 edits: I just fixed an error and made a few improvements. Back to Erevain, Nikkano, and Dianen.