mattergy? Wouldn't that just be plasma?

Some of the green can go. For example, mention of the treaty vs the weapon's development doesn't come up again for what... 15 chapters?

Dirk B. wrote:

Below is the proposed replacement for those idiotic mattergy weapons in the opening battle.

Aussie said, “She’s charging her new cannons.”
“Analyze!” St. James said [snapped].
“Based on their energy signature, I believe those are hyperspace weapons, able to fire at a target through higher dimensions. Whatever energy makes it through hyperspace to its target would effectively bypass our shields, which don’t exist there. Development and use of such weapons is strictly prohibited by the Neuer Mond Treaty.
“Since when has that ever stopped the Imperium? Weaknesses?”
The beam such a weapon fires is known to spread out very quickly in higher dimensions, obeying the inverse cube law. By the time it hits the target back in spacetime, it has lost considerable energy to space. As a result, Such weapons require enormous energy to fire a blast strong enough so that the energy that hits the target still has sufficient punch to penetrate a ship’s hull.
“The Hercules must be bypassing its powertron’s safety limits  to concentrate sufficient energy to fire, risking a breach. Many of her other systems are dropping off to compensate.”

Dirk B. wrote:

No, the idea is they chose something really hot to express/exaggerate what the heat feels like. Although now that you asked the question

I was curious if the appearance of the peppers was part of his descent into madness. It would probably work on the page

>Apollo could feel the heat of California Reapers stalking him in the Amazon.
like literal hot peppers?

205

(5 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

You have some self-inflicted wounds in this first scene, but I think easily solved next pass.

For example, Lucifer says '...but You'll never win'
And it really caught my attention because would Lucifer really add the capitalized reverence... or is it a translated reverence (assuming they're speaking some language that existed with romanized letters at inception (Sadly, even Aramaic won't do)). This creates a horrible linguistic rabbit hole.

I cannot tolerate imperfection within My perfect creation.
This launches yet another rabbit hole. If the creation is perfect, then so is Lucifer (being part of that creation?). Thus the perfection means Lucifer can also freely create? Also, would God revere himself?

[whether or not God would refer to Satan as Satan or as Lucifer]
Shaitan sounds distinctly human, and for God to use it is kinda mocking, which is not how he's presented in scripture

Lastly, the speech between them is distinctively modern. Some random examples:
Eg: Your church is so feeble => Your church is feeble
Eg: The church tolerates so much division => Division runs rampart within the ranks of Y/your church
Eg: I won't need to get complicated. They just need to be introduced =>  ???
I'd consider stripping contractions and pragmatics. Example: I won't get complicated => I need not engage in petty strife (Don't use this, it's a terrible suggestion but best way I could think off the top of my head to dance around the "won't")... the 'just' is also super modern. Maybe "They need but be introduced" or even remove entirely. So the most eye-catching terms: so, just, even, such.

Re contractions example: Hell isn't in my future => Hell lies not in my future
DISCLAIMER!!! All these suggestions are aimed at you wanting the reader to hit the ground running one page 1 paragraph 1 with God and Satan speaking. If this IS how they normally speak and will do so for the rest of the title, it's fine as-is

You ask why I didn't review for the points, I say I need a few more chapters to better grasp the wider context

There will be some effort by Connor in book two to convert them

Muslim would be a tough convert because they don't believe Christ is the Son of God.

It would be like trying to convert a Christian from worshipping Christ to worshipping Moses. (What? Why do want me to start praying to this dude? He's just a prophet!)

Very detailed. I did a casual google of the Holy Land and came up with https://www.seetheholyland.net/ which is not even close

Nope, not moderator. We'll need Sol to fix the groups (again)

Hey JR. What you do this wintery month?

210

(58 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Hey Sol... dun forget invisible Apricots.
I'll just post this regularly

Star Craft used Confederacy but they boldly leaned right into the civil war aspect down to the character's accents. lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftQoP47wTRo

Dirk B. wrote:

Ugh, Kdot, how do I use that here, where I'm trying to name an interstellar republic?

For example, Simmons (iirc) used simply "The Ousters" even though they were technically a republic.
This option would see the whole group named after a place

Picture my last comment like this:

Elon Musk invents a rocket that can reach the nearest habitable planet. We happily scoot over there and meet a race of talking frogs.  How do we introduce ourselves? Earth isn't a republic or much of anything.

Fast forward 100 years and Earth founds a central government and acquires a prefix. Would the Frogees bother changing all their records? Or would they just keep calling us Earthlings?

An option I don't recall seeing is no moniker at all.

For example in my main series a group of humans settle at a star named Tirak (Name changed to foil google).

They call themselves the Tirakites. Even when they colonize other worlds, they still just call themselves the Tirakites. Eg not the Republic of Tirak or United Tirakites etc.

Graphene is some scary-level tech compared to the primitive tech of today. Imagine if some clever researcher found a way to bind it to living cells and bridge man to machine! Neuralink perfected right there. Laurie disapproves

The Enterprise uses fusion? I thought antimatter

Something to factor in, English caps more than the romance languages, which you may be getting advice from.

For example Canadian is lowercase adjective in French (Les hommes canadiens) but definitely adjective caps in English.

Note: Ignore the current name if you're new. We gotta fix that
Done - DB

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221

(58 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

nah, I'm back in. Seems like my credit card's AI didn't like the membership change. It was probably seeing regular charges for the past 10 years then a sudden shift

222

(23 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Oh hey... I'm back online. Wow. Laurie's been scrubbed from existence

223

(23 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Oof!

Connor notices after Romano mutters and curses under his breath, plane suddenly crashes.

Connor reaching for holy water...

225

(23 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Also, Rabbit Girl from R4 is on the way out the door. When I penned the outline, she seemed a logical extension of the beastlands... but felines are so strong in R3 that I think I'll streamline the leporids out completely. Elm can be from Trag's rival pride (not that Trag has a pride but I can change that too).

The harpies are out. I was checking other stories (eg the competition) and found them too common. I'll use "crower" instead.

Sirens are headed out. Also too common. I like their footprint on the story, so they can turn into mermaids (assuming mermaids can attain human form) which will put them in the class of water demon which aligns that spectrum of the world. Or I could make them selkies, which would be awesome but would eat a lot of page space