You could have the spirits look like the arrancar from Bleach. Would give them moxie

I didn't get why the spirit would look like the owner... one assumes that spirit isn't the original manufacturer model and would look like the possessor

She took a step in that direction, but hesitated, suddenly conscious of how alone she was in these areas bridging the living zones.

Here's me wasting twelve words when a simpler turn of phrase would do: She frowned, suddenly a little scared. Or better: She felt nervous.

I sometimes shorten my overlong setups, but I never swap to: Her brow furrowed. She frowned would be my pick.

Does that mean, in the example of Romano's eyebrows shooting to his hairline, that you would have him shoot them up? That would be weird.

Very much so. "Laurie raised her eyebrows" would be my preferred approach because I'm almost always character-centric looking out.

I just word-searched it and found zero cases of eyebrows moving up (or down) without the POV character's intent. I have one jaw-drop in there. I put that one in deliberately to serve as a dialogue tag / to break up another characters speech flow.

This technique may not work for you, especially in a multi-POV story so YMMV. It can also get wordy. For example, I'll avoid saying "POV character was scared" or "POV character was surprised". Instead I waste time showing the event and hope the reader infers it. Reviewers may hit certain scenes with "how did POV react?" so I know I need to put more words there or trim it all out and have a simple "scared" or "startled"

I generally avoid involuntary movements unless it brings out some important characteristic.

So we have Laurie in a suddenly crashing air plane...

True, her eyebrows shoot up. I mean she's as surprised as I am.
True, her fingers curl around the arm rests. Mine would too

Reality of her POV is staring at the ground rushing toward her. Oxygen masks dropping. Dull screams from the adjoining cabin or a steward losing his footing.

It's a question of where the camera is pointed. Are we looking out from the POV seeing where they look vs turned to stare down the POV and how they react

grumpies makes me think of carebears

Zombies move quite quickly in World War Z.
https://gamerant.com/fast-zombie-trope- … ays-later/

108

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I should probably draw myself a map while all these locales are fresh in my head. I miraculously remembered the garden is on deck ten, but I'm reading the previous version and there's an accidental (seemingly) allusion to deck 15. Or had I meant to imply that the fight spilled down from deck ten five levels to arrive there. I can't remember why I did that.

109

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Kdot wrote:

Ok, now I'm really under the gun. Some other site has a deadline of Aug17 for posting full story. That's a mere 18 days, so I gotta stop foolin' around

Apparently the deadline is the 28th but registration opens on the 17th (eg tomorrow). This is good because I have 3 mandatory chapters to pen and 2 optional. I can churn through 3 chapters comfortably by Thursday. I could rush them all on Sunday but they'll read rushed, so I better pace myself.

110

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Time to get this show on the road. er-- into space

111

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

WordPerfect acutally has 4 dashes (counting hypen)

A-
A–
A‒
A—

112

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I had a weirdly fortunate PC crash before saving my latest round of edits. Somehow the version went back from Aug-08 to Jul-31 (evening) so 48 hours of edits. So I got to stitch back the new version with a bit of text-compare on various versions

Oddly, I caught my em-dashes were different between the versions (I found this because the paragraph length would change and I ran my compares). I tend to write without a space–like this. Reviewers suggest adding one – to give a gap and reduce confusion with hyphen.

So I corrected them to add the gap, but as I add new content I tend to flip back to my default. Oops. Maybe I should wait until final draft before tacking punctuation.

113

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

The review site where I'm getting my spellcheck done. They have a (seemingly) semi-annual full book review thing where 2-3 users will do an end-to-end.

I posted my dark-angel book and they came back with buckets of useful stuff. They said MC cries too much (Three times in 100k words). I had thought three was okay, but for strangers to catch this independently really is problematic.

I figure I'll pen the last bit of VQF in the next 9-10 days then out it up both over there and here. It'll be a good indication if all that padding has turned it into a yawner. My gut feeling is no, it's fine but ya never know.

114

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Ok, now I'm really under the gun. Some other site has a deadline of Aug17 for posting full story. That's a mere 18 days, so I gotta stop foolin' around

Apparently the older model worked well enough, so I see no issue going back to it

Mirror this outside of TNBW:

You join an Amazon contest for a gift card, but to earn the GiftCard you have to leave a review on (this list of) kindle stories

What are your posting plans for this vs Connor?

I've been kinda following in the background but haven't reviewed as yet. Curious which one is higher on your radar for completion.

Unit is closer to "thing"... fighting unit, computational unit, operational unit, units of measure, scaling unit, and so on. As a word it conveys little other than the concept of modularity. Wheras for the same number of letters, ward conveys health-care

shrinkers and master-shrink <--- I can read these with having to pause and think
tsantsas <--- couldn't parse this one (not without a google or your explanation) As you say, it'd take some setup.

I also found Stargate very clean with its terms.

AIs: the Replicators. [Replicator is easy for the reader to parse - presumably, it replicates lol]
Hybrid: "Human-form Replicator"
Weapon: "Replicator disruptor cannon" and "Anti-replicator gun"
Specific Hybrid: Bob -> Replicator Bob

Compare to Battlestar:
AIs: Cylons
Hybrid: Skinjob or toaster
Weapon: (I checked the wiki and went cross-eyed)
Specific Hybrid: One of (15?) models eg groups of clones

Both are fine. I'm not knocking Battlestar. But Battlestar doesn't also have an Imperium to manage. It can devote all the page space it needs into one milieu.

He's worse than the head shrink of the Brainial Unit where Joseph is trapped.

I'd suggest Brainial Ward or Department instead of Unit.

Don't laugh, but for the staff, I'm partial to psychiatrist and shrink (as opposed to Freudians and Pinels) only because of term-occlusion.

(eg in VQ I could have called androids "Bills" or "Gates" or "Jobs"... maybe even "Babbages" but to do so, I'd need to do a lift to ensure the terms fit well and the world-history supports it. This would naturally put pressure on the competing terms that show up after she "dies" thereby crowding the story)

If it's a bother, you might review how many characters live to the end.

Killing a few off nicely reduces the number of threads that need to be resolved. They should be driving in their exits (Cersei, that's not you) so we feel heightened tension going in. Each should try to divert their threads from reaching the final chapter by attaining sufficient closure. Preferably by unifying with the surviving characters. This will bind things nicely

123

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic &amp; Sci-Fi)

"Linear" meaning closely mimicking human learning. No one reads two books at the same time. Or a movie and a radio program. Or drive a car while threading a needle. In theory a modern computer can do all of this without breaking a sweat. So our computers are not a linear learning model but logarithmic (accounting for heat & power)

Our consciousness tends to drift from one to the other. Even people who claim to be multitaskers, it's been proven that they simply switch back & forth at opportune times.

Eg, biological creatures are sequential learners. So linear seems appropriate.

But I'm years from publishing this, so I have time to re-invent the acronyms

124

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic &amp; Sci-Fi)

Quantum (No meaning. Buzzword for magic)
Independent (Acts on its own - not sitting around waiting for human input)
Linear (learning model - each learning moment chains to previous, as opposed to a giant algorithm you can pour content into in parallel)
I (Intelligence)
N (I can't think of anything for this letter)

125

(46 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic &amp; Sci-Fi)

I may after many years part company with the term "Android" reverting to the more classic concept that an android is simply a (dumb) robot that looks like a human. Dumb here meaning it could be ChatGPT V 200 smart but you'll never find one chasing a butterfly because it wanted to.
For the more advanced machines maybe Quantum Independant Linear Intelligence ( " Kirin" ) after the Japanese mythos.