Search options (Page 1 of 2)

Amy,

About the publisher's advice about reducing internal dialog. Offhand the only thing I could think of was to omit any internal dialog that reveals Alda's character or personality. Character and personality can be revealed, by Alda's actions and conversations with other characters. This leaves only internal dialog that moves the story along or revealing what she thinks about other characters. Not sure if this makes much sense. I'll go back and read ch. 1 again, and think about it and let you know if I can think of anything else.

As far as polar bears go: 
You know how to catch a polar bear?
No.
You did a big hole in the snow, and line the edge of the hole with fresh peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.

OK, NJC,
That was me who confused Alina with the main mean dude, and let me say this about that... I am not a crook! Now that I have read your ideas for a fix-up, I concur with you 100%. In fact, I wish I said what you said it's so good. The Alina thing as is, is a big digression down the wrong path, and it was misleading to me to the point of being disappointed when nothing happened with her. She is an interesting character, and I too like the final battle. But as it is said, editing is like killing your own children. It's time to pull from retirement your hammer and tongs, Amy.

Hey, you gave me some info in your reply to my review to help me better understand what's going on. I am quoting your reply here and am commenting on that as more feedback for you.

THINGS I GOT AND DID NOT GET AND WHY: ( AGAIN, THIS MY BE DUE TO MY OR YOUR FAILING--I CAN'T REMEMBER, IN ANY CASE, BUT IT MAY BE WORTH LOOKING INTO   )

          "Alda says she has worked every job in the temple except cleaning the gutters(not possible in a normal lifetime)." --[OK, but when we learned this, I didn't know holding all the jobs at one time or another would be impossible. I accepted it as  fact.]

"The guard over Jaylene's body says he was alone when questioned." [This does not compute. Which guard, when, and who questioned.?]

Alda says she has read a large portion of the library and private journals. (Another time issue) --[again, I accepted this as fact and did not understand this activity would be impossible because nothing in the narrative suggested this.]

Alda recognizes the assassin when all others are unaware.-- [I think you are rferring to when Jaylene and her party was equipping themselves for the journey. All I recall is that everyone was falling asleep except Tazar. I may have forgotten the specific episode you are referring to--which is then my bad.

"She is gradually revealed as a sleeper agent."--[this is made quite clear when Jaylene begins to put the pieces, and I got this loud and clear.]

"She knows things she shouldn't...about monsters and their abilities." --[As I vaguely recall, alda doesn't come right out and say this or that about a monster or person. It is inferred by her actions and reactions. She just does the right thing, as if she has foreknowledge that Jaylene wonders about. I guess I am missing the subtleties, and when I miss those, I am not getting the story as intended.. I recall mentioning I often need to be hit over the head with things.. Frankly, I don't know if this is my failing, or yours. ]

"She can see into the hearts of others (and knows that Elston loves Jaylene)". --[I do get this, but I just thought it was just her keen observation rather than something supernatural.]

"She can use the Lance despite everyone thinking this is impossible."--[this was made quite apparent to me, by Jaylene's revelation of that fact."

"She can do a spell that Jaylene can't do...to put Charm back in her body."--[Again, I got this by Jaylene's surprised observation of this, again adding another brick to the fact that Alda is different."

She only fights with her spear and NEVER casts spells with it."--[Didn't really notice. this.]

Picard is the best. He also set the tone for those who followed.  Never liked Kirk, even though I loved the series. I am guessing it was the Director that made Kirk the way he was.

Um, I'd say the air is evenly distributed in the tire and can't get out (no leaks), and that because some bright spark of an engineer has done the math that provides the height, cross-section. and air pressure of a tire that can stay inflated (not collapse) and support a range of weight. The weight of the car then is transferred through the sidewall of the tire to the ground. Over and under inflation of the tire messes with the math gone into the material thickness (layers of fabric or metal mesh), and the optimum air pressure needed to keep the tire inflated to where it can support the weight of the car without undue wear and tear or failure.
Under inflation results in most of the weight to be borne by the edges of the tire (the bottom of the sidewall) and less wear in the center of the tread. Over inflation causes some of the weight to be transferred to the middle of the tread causing more wear in the center.
Anyway, that's my guess.

Regarding your reply for chapter 19. OK, when you explain it here it makes perfect sense, but I wasn't aware of any of this information when I read the chapter. I don't recall reading anything that defines this underground world and the way it works. Maybe it was in another book I haven't read yet, or it's something I have forgotten. In any case I think it would be justified to explain why this underground world is the way it is to the reader. If you have to explain something to a reader, after the fact, then it's not working in the book.

Regarding Alda's inner voice. That will work just fine, but the reader needs to be able to distinguish it from what reads like narrative. I don't recall anything where this is explained. As for a back story way earlier you could explain it thus:, Alda has become a loner, maybe because of her different point of view or being a conduit and not knowing it. This little (narrative) voice in her head is her way of dealing with her special circumstances. This 'voice' needs to be explained an an early chapter, chapter one or two perhaps,  so we know what's going on and are not confused by these inner conversations.

Ernie

D'OH! You're right about the bitty and biddy conflagration, as in itty-bitty tittie. I suppose you could also have an itty-bitty biddy tittie, or an itty biddy itty-bitty tittie, but I don't recommend using that.

ET

No, I don't care about the points, just want to make sure all of my reviews get to you in xline mode--if that's what you prefer. I need to know when to press xline before I start my review or after I have completed  an inline review? I check Help, but there is nothing about xline.

Thanks,

Ernie

D"OH  sorry folks I didn't see yolur replies. I got it now thanks all.

Ernie

Yeah,

Orphan Black is one of my most favorites, good story! In addition to this I also Like  "Humans" which is a spin on the humans vs. AI. It is also pretty darn good. There's another one that recently started up call "Dark Matter" a SYFY series. In my opinion, it's OK but not in the same league as the other two programs.

Hi SSol,

I stumbled around learning the site. It was frustrating as any new software will be. Now that I have fallen hard a lot and the blood has dried. I have to say to you are your team, this site is way, way better than the old one. Thanks for a job well done!

Also,
last week I kept getting email telling me I had a request for a new connection. I got about 6 or 7 in a few days. When I check, no new requests were there. Also I aften get two notifications for the the same site message. I don't know if it's me or something gone awry.

Thanks,

Ernie

I have short story, a novella, really, that has two chapters "Birth of an Angel," In the description it is listed as a NOVEL, I can't find a way to change it to a SHORT STORY. How can I do this? Sol, I actually looked in the HELP GUIDE first--just so you know.

Thanks,

ET