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If you are going to describe dialogue of someone with Tourette's this would have been a better example:

Mary knew that it was risky taking her Tourette's afflicted grandfather to a wedding, but the bride was his granddaughter and he should be there. Everything was fine until the moment when the couple were reciting their vows and grandpa let loose with a few phrases, most of which described impossible sexual positions in graphic detail, capped off with calling the groom's birth illegitimate. Mary finally got the old man's attention by grabbing his hand and squeezing it hard.
After her grandfather had finished, if one with Tourettes is ever finished, the couple continued to pledge their troth. Afterward, the bride came up to her grandfather and asked, "Are you okay, Granddad?"
Her grandfather smiled and nodded calling her a lady of the evening whose specialty focused on testicles.

I recommend the novel Skull Session, written in first person by a Troutette's patient.

John,
You still used the dialogue to describe how the old man spoke. So this really didn't prove your point. You used a mixture of description and dialogue. Not just straight description or straight dialogue. If you honestly didn't want to 'tarnish' the dialogue with swearing, you wouldn't have included it at all.

So...you proved my point.

And he has a fan base.
My advice to writers: don't break rules unless you have a fan base that support you no matter what.

Congratulations to Roxanne, my bff Ann and Brian!!!!

Norm,
I agree with JP.

Because of the explosion, I assume you're writing a syfy thriller. Thrillers need to thrill, right? Experiencing the unexpected is thrilling.

'Just then...' telegraphs that something is going to happen. Not so thrilling if you expect something to happen.

I read a lot of John Sandford. He's my favorite mystery/crime novelist. He has a talent for introducing violence into a scene that you do not see coming. For example, in one of his books there's a scene that starts out pretty tame, people sitting down in a living room having coffee and pastries.

One of the characters reaches for a pastry, her favorite kind btw, and before it gets to her mouth she's been shot between the eyes and dies. There's no reason for her being shot, she's not a main character or someone being stalked. She's there to interview victims, and was not the intended target. It also took me into the scene, I shared the surprise and horror of the other characters in the room.

And...perhaps this is the most important thing..I still remember that scene years after reading the novel.

Hope this helps...

JP--
I think that an contest in each group would be a good idea but probably not possible. Of course, I would like to see a Mystery/thriller contest.
Anyway, thanks for the 411
dags

You're welcome, JP. *fist bump*

JP...I get told that my short stories would make a great book often. I never saw it as an insult, but as a compliment because I grabbed their attention, they got emotionally invested in the characters and they want more of the story.

The problem is, if you write a lot of short stories you know you can't turn every one of them into a novel. And not every one should be a novel. As for people telling you how to write your story, if you don't absolutely love what you're writing, people can tell and will try to take over your work. One reviewer will tell you to lose a character and when you do that, you get a reviewer asking you, 'Why did you get rid of that character...' It's writing by committee, and it never works out well.

I know you JP. You're a strong writer with a clear sense of how your stories should be written. I think you might say something in the blurb before the story the kind of feedback you want and what you don't want. That should stop people from wasting their time and yours.

dags

Alan--
Can you use song titles in your work as long as you don't use the lyrics?

They had surveillance tape and people who were filming it with their cameras. And I agree with Jack.

YAY! Congratulations!

It made my day too, Jack! Congratulations!!!!