Star Track Wars, Episode One
A long time ago, in some other galaxy so far away it doesn’t really matter, there was a mostly inconspicuous but very descript group of life forms trying to make some sense out of the fact that
they were alive. If we ascribe to the notion that life develops in much the same way elsewhere as it did on our Earth, then so be it. First, societies were developed, then language, of course, then
a way to write it all down and number the pages, or stone tablets, or whatever it is that they write it on up there. As it was, their Mission, this group on the planet that was too far away to give
a crap about, was to ‘empower writers and to find, reward, and promote the best undiscovered writing talent.’
"Amen," the Sanyassi Pope said, and pronounced it So.
“So..,” the people asked, “...how do we do this thing?”
And the Sanyassi Pope said: “Shitfuck! I don’t know! Let’s try a Star Track System, I think...”
“Oh my,” the community of very descript but inconspicuous human forms said, all at once. The collective voice carried a deep timbre, with a few falsettos offsetting the counterpoint. Whatever that
means, they hoisted their garters and set about codifying a highly complex five star structure to empower writers and to find, reward, and promote the best undiscovered writing talent in their tiny
bit of inconsequential space too fucking far away for anyone to give a shit about. Not even Oprah.
Labored, they did, over many generations, refining the sacred Star Track System. Interfaces were set up to allow all to have their vote cast in the waxy mix. Statisticians applied algorithms to
tally results. An intelligent but not very smart species of goldfish was consulted, and established a think-tank, but ‘cod-ify’ confused them and all they could say was ‘Glurp.’ Moderators
moderated. Writers wrote. Critics critiqued. A fair amount of coffee was coughed. Heads were turned and coughed, but for a different reason about as important as how freakin’ far away this group
was from anything remotely visible.
Thousands of their Earth hours, sometimes feeling like millions, were spent honing the system that was to empower writers and to find, reward, and promote the best undiscovered writing talent.
And the Sanyassi Pope done spoke:
“A 1 Star rating will mean: ‘Ew?’” The assembled crowd of highly descriptive individuals breathed a generic Gasp! and looked at one another, wondering if they could ever rate another
author’s treatise on a bunion they once had with 1 Star. It was, like, between the toes and....
“A 2 Star rating will mean: ‘Uh...’”
“Oh!” the masses intoned. “Uh?”
“Yes, ‘Uh.’”
“Ahhh....”
“No, ‘Uh.’” The Sanyassi Pope cleared his throat. “And a 3 Star rating will mean: ‘Hmmm...’ and a 4 Star rating will mean: ‘Hey!’ and a 5 Star rating will mean: ‘Wow! You are the guy,
dude!’ who shall be touted above all others and, hence, fulfill the Mission to empower and all that crap.” He waved his hand to finish the rest of the Mission, way the hell out there. There’s no
way we could see it, but he did. The assembled, distinctive-in-many-ways crowd ooh’d and ahh’d, ready to get on with it. Which they did.
The submissions poured in, and all were rated by their peers. As expected and by intelligent design, notwithstanding certain goldfish emissions of ‘Glurp,’ the ‘Uh’s’ lessened in number than the
‘Ew?’s’, and the ‘Hmmm’s’ grew to below the ‘Hey’s’ until, finally, the ‘Wow!’s’ rose like whatever rises on that distant place hella tri-billions of lightyears away. This place was so far away, by
the time you could arrive by lightspeed you’d be closer to home than the distance you travelled to get there. That’s what moving inside an egg will do to you.... any goldfish will tell you
that.
Ultimately, a ‘Wow!’ was chosen as the writer to empower, reward, and promote as the best undiscovered writing talent. Her name was Wie, and with her new title, was called ‘Wow!-Wie.’
“What are you going to do now, Wow!-Wie?” the frenzied media pursued her from under umbrellas, for it was raining.
“I’m going to Diddley-Squat Land!” she smiled real big, though from this distance it would have looked very small, if at all.
There was a big reception, and all the Sanyassi Pope avatars were there, the Orange Pope-cycles, to celebrate the finding of the great writer they were going to, now, finally, after all these
hours, empower.
“We hereby empower thee, Wow!-Wie, as head and shoulders (not that you have dandruff) above the Uh’s and Ew?’s and Hmmm’s etcetera so that, having said that, you are now Empowered with an uppercase
E to go forth and Be Empowered Now! Rejoice, for you are now the one we wish to represent us to the rest of the known and unknown and even those parts of the unknowable universe or universes either
here or in other dimensions that are even further somewhere else than ourselves. So be it, it is done. Party time.”
Wow!-Wie studied her own face in the reflection of the Sanyassi Pope’s crown, which made her look like she was hoarding uncooked cookie dough in her cheeks. “But SP, what does that mean, exactly? I
want to sing. I want to dance. I want to ha-cha-cha and boogie till the breaka dawn! Will this put more coin in my pocket?”
“Fuckiff I know, I’ll get back to you...” sayeth the SP.
The Sanyassi Pope and all his avatars returned from a visit to the forum and think-tank goldfish and pronounced: “Glurp! We have found an answer to what it means to be ‘empowered,’ and have
determined that being empowered on our home world means crapola when we can’t be read by the rest of the cosmos. Wow!-Wie will henceforth become a figurehead with no actual empowerments — unlike
me, the Sanyassi Pope, who is free to make up new words.”
Thus the Sanyassi Pope spaked, which was also a new word, then he went to Diddley-Squat Land and bought a new hat.
The moral of the story is that I have 411.91 points accrued and they’re burning a hole in my virtual pocket. I know this may sound like a slam on that other galaxy so far away it doesn’t really
matter, where there is a mostly inconspicuous but very descript group of life forms trying to figure out what, exactly, empowerment pays, but it’s not meant to be as sardonic as it (may)
sound(s). I came to this site to see if it could help me get empowered, and I make no bones about it (whatever the hell that means). I wanna sing, I wanna dance, I wanna ha-cha-cha....
Ratings are all relative, while reading and writing is predominantly subjective, and never the twain shall meet flush. I need inter-galactic recognition and hard coin. If I can do that and improve
my work at the same time, well then that’s freakin’ brilliant, forty bucks well spent, and actually kinda fun to review and help other writers. Freakin’ brilliant, I say again.
But the stars..? The stars are so far away we’re seeing yesterday on a post-it note. (I don’t know what the hell that means either, but it reads good.) The question is, when does Wow!-Wie get her
empowerment check? She wants to sing, she wants to dance............
**Author wishes to apologize to all persons, personages, or people who may, in fact, resemble or otherwise have the same name as either Sanyassi or The Pope, who are in no expressed or unexpressed
way to be likened to or otherwise compared with anyone the author knows, or doesn’t know, either now or later, on this site. Insomuch, and I’m notevensurethat’saword, as this is posted here, author
would not foresee a response from said persons, personages or people to whatever’s having been said above. So be it, amen, go with God and a ha-cha-cha...
Run Credits.
Later...
Personal Journal, Wow!-Wie — ten, fourteen, eighty-eight, five and a half point whatever.
Dear Diary, I had an Ew? buy my novel today. How weird is that?
© Copyright 2025 whatta. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
Whatta,
Now that is a "post." Should go straight to our addictive TNBW hearts. You're likely to get hundreds of requests to sell your points, but hold off... I hear there's more up Sanyassi, or Sannyasi Pope's sleeve that you are scheduled for "empowerment" to receive shortly. You need you points. In the mean time, $40.00 is selling yourself short. At least $42.00. (Just trying to keep you under the Tax bracket that will take it all and make another Star Track War. Loved this piece. Just what I needed to lighten up my heavy focus. Yup. Just what I needed.
"Amen," the (Sanyassi)[Sannyasi) Pope said, and pronounced it So. (As both words are Hindu in origin, tell me the difference. I've read about Sannyasi in some Eastern studies, but only remember the Sanyassi referred to as an identity, not an order. What the hell do I know.)
Look you get WOW! and what do you mean Oprah doesn't know about us? I am shock, appalled and dismayed, and yes you do have too much time on your hands or no one needs to use your bathroom.you said, much better what i tried to say in my post and you said it better! Always a pleasure to read you Mitch- I am all caught up on your stuff aren't I? Or do I have most of "Potty humor" to read yet? I get so confused!
Smart ass! Love you for it.
aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa
You are a breath of fresh air.
Pamela
Yeah this is worth 5 of the new rating stars for sure!!!! I will continue to be one of the life forms scrabbling for recognition from the outside universe, but running back to our galaxy where like-minded creatures dwell! I too have launched my scribbles far and wide and occasionally hit pay-dirt, but mostly come up against indifference. Notwithstanding, my 50+ Aussies dollars have been very well spent! Great stuff, Whatta :)
Het Mitch,
One of the best and funniest stories to hit the site for awhile. And the whole stars rating system is nearly meritless, but you have to admit it makes some people salivate to get a 5 and the review becomes meaningless. Wierd. In 2006, I made a total of $400 off of Sol. Believe that? Won a contest, sold a bunch of points and got a bunch of cards from the Red Cross in thanks. No matter what anyone says - the site is the bomb!
Criminy.
Your monosyllabic rating descriptors probably reflect the actual usage of the system more accurately than any other suggestions I've seen. I also love that 'Ew?' is a question, because how else could you possibly express it? This is a very funny, cathartic response to a frustrating and counter-productive conflict. Thanks for sharing!
411 points seems like enough to post another novel, so what are you waiting for?
-SB
Well, Whatta, being new to the site and also being completely clueless about other things besides the site such as (1) if the water is in the container and you have pressed the "on" button, you better have the coffee pot in position; (2) if your thumb is in between the frame and the car door, you should not close the door; and (3) there is probably a good reason why you shouldn't go to dinner with a former boyfriend, his wife and your boyfriend (ALL THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY), I have to say I don't quite get the system so part of this whizzed right over my head. But I did get most of it and thought it was hilarious. Not much of a review, just wanted to thank you for the laughs.
Kat
Truthfully? Not possible to rate this with stars, because it's beyond perfection. Hmmmm.... uh... Ew? No. Wow-Wie~! (Although my personal favorite is certainly Ew?) Thank you for adding some humor to the absurd thread running in the forum. Not the right place to post? Hmmm... then why is he hovering in the forum? Doesn't make much sense to me. Anyway. I agree with Sherman. 411 points is plenty to get another episode of McG-dom on site. I've missed reading your brilliance. Thanks for the taste.... MODO
Not even Oprah! Damn! Say, anyway, who are Ew to say, anyway, eh? Hmm...let's change tactics.
Oh, Great White Whatta, the stars have gone astray, and you leadeth us back into the land of chocolate and kumquats. You bringeth smiles unto our lips, you percolate the coffee in our morning libations. Without you all balance is lost, and heavy would grow our hearts, which you lifteth up on wings of giggles.
How the hell did you gather 411.91 points, anyway! Don't you have a life!!!!
PS - "Your nudes have done you justice, and made just do more," he says mysteriously. I mean, mysteriously he says, or is it, he mysteriously says?
Well, let's see, I gave this five stars. Why?? It's well written - by that I mean grammar and punctuation - sardonic - by that I mean it has a POV which is somewhat in left field - highly entertaining - by which I mean I read on to the end without pausing - thought-provoking - which means I think about Ew, Uh, Hmmm, Hey, and Wow! I read on because I was curious to see if you approve or disapprove of the Ew, Uh, Hmmm, Hey and Wow system. Actually, I would much prefer the Ew, Uh, Hmmm, Hey and Wow system to the one to five stars, but that's me! The interpretation of the star system has changed significantly since I joined in December 05, become briefer and less to the point. Having said all this Hmmm stuff, let me add, you get fives because you're writing is superlative, intelligent, enlightening, and has a point to it. Those are my criteria for giving a five. Are ratings relative?? Read subjective for relative. You bet they are, as is everything else in the universe, male statements to the contrary notwithstanding. Ain't no such thing as an objective statement, most especially if it's political or one writer reviewing another! Still, somehow we manage to bungle along and point out each other's strengths and weaknesses, thereby contributing to the world of authorship, a galaxy so far away, it doesn't really matter! Except it does! As for getting rich on five stars - forget it pal! Your wealth is in the pleasure you give those who have the privilege of reading you, not in your bank account, well, not yet, anyway, although you should be sending out Street of Rogues! Why am I rambling on? Who the hell knows! I enjoyed this, not sure I completely understood all of it, but would like to meet Wow Wei!
for an earthling, not bad
sure I laughed a lot
but how many profound
thoughts came through the smog
as I read this and Ms.
magazine will be calling
you soon as you gave
the big prize to a
woman, betraying your
own gender, I can hardly
believe it. You're gonna
be on the front page.
I didn't see this one until today, but I belly laughed most of the way through it...until it hurt...thanks a lot. I'll survive though, somehow, glurp, and ask my chinchillas what the meaning of the rating system is. Perhaps they know. I wanna sing and dance too. Why do silly kindergarten era stars hurt so much? I wanna gold star, I want five! Oh well, I hope that we can all see value in each other's writing and empower one another...and if we can't think of something nice to say...just skip over that work. Thanks for this non-threatening look at a galaxy not so far away, but equally wierd as sci-fi characters and situations. Where's Episode Two?
Danae
What's up, Mitch. This was a smart, timely post. I'd have read this much sooner if I'd realized what it was about. Have you begun to query Street of Rogues, yet? If so, hows that going? But, that's not THIS story.
It's hilarious, and it read quite well and brilliantly.
The "wow-wie" bit made me laugh out loud!
saith the SP.
Was "saith" supposed to be "sayeth?"
I agree that the stars are very subjective (as is writing). Hopefully people will stop giving so much credence to the numbers and accept the words included. Perhaps the stars should be hidden, like in Booksie. Then, we might get a little closer to that faraway galaxy (that really doesn't matter).
Mitch,
I have to come up with 50 words to say thank you. It is good to see you back and submitting. More than I can say about my self at the moment. A fantastic piece. It carries the usual Whatta irreverence and skewed vision of life at our normal pace.
Well done, as usual.
Scott
Hi whatta. I really enjoyed this. I laughed out loud repeatedly. Well, okay, they were loud chuckles, but still...
I hope you post more humorous stuff. I have a deviant sense of humor, so I love to create humorous stories. There are plenty of eager consumers on this site for those, but not nearly enough writers of them.
If you want a sample of my demented sense of humor, check out a short story called "Bunny Divine" in my portfolio. It's a mini excerpt from an equally demented space opera novel I'm working on called "Archangel Syndrome."
Or, an even shorter story of mine is called "Of Lakes & Monsters" for a contest on this site.
Let me know if you'd like an inline review of your story. There are some best practices I picked up from others here over the years that I can highlight in your story if you like.
Welcome back!
Dirk
Author
Reply
Thanks Dirk. No need for the inline, this was written long ago. New stuff, sure, I love corrections and edits. I have plenty of new material to post. Meantime, I'll read what you referred me to.
You say there's not much humor here anymore? What, all serious writers and authors now?
Thanks again, glad you got some laughs.
Odin Roark