Short Story by: rstilskinz
Genre: Mystery and Crime
Backpack
Bandit, our department’s K-9 signaled. Low growl, three slow scratches with his right paw in the dirt.
Bad man, bad man, BOMB.
Training, timing, take the shot, my mantra gathering speed in my brain. Center mass, four buttons down, never look at their faces.
How many?
People always asked, like they were curious about the score at last night’s Sox game. Sometimes I lied, jacked up the count.
Just to see their faces, that dollop of fear grow in their eyes. They always backed away, recoiled from me like my SIG jumping off my shoulder.
What’s up with these guys always with the hoodies and backpacks?
Obvious. CHANGE IT UP FOR CHRISTS SAKE.
Where’s the sport? Oughtta be a little challenge left in the game after all these years.
Hand feels a little shaky today, maybe the wife’s right about switching to the decaf. Next thing she’ll be droning on about the weight.
Had breakfast with my middle son today. The problem child starting a new job at the kid’s summer camp. Wanted to hitch there today.
Got some strange ideas. Wife says he needs help.
Not a bad kid, maybe I’ll talk to him when I’m done here.
© Copyright 2025 rstilskinz. All rights reserved.
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Oh, this is terrific! I love how you make the reader squirm at the end. We anticipate the mistaken identity without being told it. Really well crafted.
The voice of the narrator is also super. I particularly like the disdain in this line: "What’s up with these guys always with the hoodies and backpacks." Do you think a question mark should go there?
The stream of consciousness digression to the wife was also a nice bit of comic relief and segue to the son. Really good.
Good luck on the contest!
Author
Reply
Thanks for taking the time.I'm good at mental punctuation just bad at putting it into practice on paper
There are some good sentences here, but it’s uncohesive on the whole. Your paragraphing is part of the problem (arbitrary).
The bit of the mantra “never look at their faces” seems out of place given the reference photo has the POV with the back facing. I’d say the same for “four buttons down”.... (suspect has a hoodie, back facing, no buttons)
The “Sig” [sic] jumping off the shoulder would more effective if you rendered it correctly: SIG. It might be better to add the model for verisimilitude, (i.e. SIG516) for those uninformed.
Your punctuation is....creative.
Author
Reply
Thanks for the effort but if you read some of the other entries you may notice a number of liberties taken with the photo some having little to do with even the picture.I have given up trying to get the formatting right on this site.
FYI whose to say where the exact location of the shooter happened to be and four buttons down is more a general location as opposed to a fashion statement
BTW maybe I should tell google to change this as well in search sigsauer.com
Fifi_LaRue