"Honed Edge Chill"
A honed edged chill invades
As racism's whetstone salivates
Its razor slicing into man's sinew
Abandoning any semblance of virtue
Leaving but an empty husk
Void of what once a vision
Now but a blurred image
Smudged in bloodshed
© Copyright 2025 flowing pencil. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
I would say the main criticism of this poem is that it is too short. Another is that you have missed opportunities for concretization. Poetry concretizes feelings, abstractions, emotions, through images. Although some nice turns of phrases--'racism's whetstone salivates,' a specific image aside from a sweating whetstone would have brought your feelings across more vividly. This is more of a draft of a poem--but it shows there's a really great poem, very topical, buried within. I see its hand justting out of the soil--would like to see more.
Author
Reply
Thanks for reading and your feedback.. Sometimes short is for me far more powerful in many of the poetry I've read as many times when they go on and on a weakness creep in.
Kinda the same with a headline.. as with.. "Man Shoots His Dog" Now that grabs a reader.. but "Drunken man from a small town in West Virginia takes a shotgun and shoots his black and brown mixed-breed rescue dog all due to bad behavior and perhaps having one two many shots of Jack Daniels." Most likely some might be taking a nap halfway through.
:D Now only kidding of course.. But every writer has his/her own style. I'm more of a say it and run kinda gal. Seldom to I write lengthy pieces. BUT I do sometimes go back and revise and add more to a piece. BUT usually after a lot of thought.
You have forgotten more about writing than I know lovely lady. And I'm honored you even take the time to read my humble offerings.. At my age .. best to keep em short as might drop dead before one is finished.. :D
Patricia
Patti, I wish I had half your insight and even more, a glimmer of your inner soul. Here I go!
You mention "racism". Racism is one of my most despised human traits, so I like that you make reference ...
One of my nephews was an adopted native baby, the first native for our family. Interesting that the entire family circle never again referred to his heritage as "Indian."
When he died unexpectedly, I wrote a poem called "And The Eagle Soars" and I used in one of my novellas. A few days ago, I sat out on my freezing cold deck and scanned the horizon hoping to see my Eagle soar but of course it was far too cold.
Racism never raised its ugly head in my family from the very day this baby boy entered out lives.
Your poem brings back many memories, all of them special and precious and totally void of racism.
Thanks Patti.
We lost Chad due to a tragic accident many many years ago. My sister and I cried together on the phone yesterday in his memory, and I closed our chat by reciting my poem one more time.
Your lines mean a ton to me. "Void of what once a vision
Now but a blurred image."
Author
Reply
Irene! I remember that poem.. Very moving! I too feel very strong about racism and always will.. Whether about skin color or religious background. So much depends on place of birth. Born in this country.. most likely the majority is Christian etc.. Born in Eastern countries more Islamic etc... born and raised with any religious doctrine fashions one's thinking. All who hate Muslims..most likely would be Muslim if born where it is the leading religion taught. Few escape it. As some inner voice says.. this simply doesn't ring true.
I kept this one short and to the point. In the past I've had a tendency to weaken a piece if I add to it. AT least at the time. Perhaps revisiting it in the weeks and months to come?
Right now it is short... to the point... and off to my Lego sets.. SNORT!
PATTI
I read and re read. Sad and true, we really are not making the headway that the years dictate. We should be light years beyond the tired and redundant place we are in this society. Ignorance breeds contempt . . and breeds contempt . .and etc. and.
Author
Reply
I have hope for "mankind" .. interesting that the word contains 'man and kind' as lately the word doesn't feel like it fits.. BUT I also know some incredible human beings thus there must be billions of "good people" to outweigh the hateful.
Thanks for reading and glad you found worth in it. Kind of a different delivery for me but I think in this case it works.
Patti
Wonderful, Patti.
Short, but definitely to the point. I've never understood racism. It boggles my mind that anyone could hate another fir the simplest of reasons. Coming, as I did, from a military family, and living a military life myself, I've been stationed in many countries. Being surrounded by beliefs and skin colors of every hue and persuasion will always save the day. It is unfortunate that others speak their vitriolic speeches and take careless actions aimed at nothing except to hurt and humiliate others.
~Tom
Author
Reply
Thanks Tom.. sometimes a shorter piece pack more power as sometimes weakens with added line after line. Not saying I won't revisit and perhaps add more but it has to be inspired. I overloaded a poem before losing the impact I wanted. Sometimes in long drawn out poem, I find myself hurrying which means I've lost interest.
I am like you.. only anger and close to hatred I ever feel is with what I deem racist and pure evil. Racism is alive and thriving in the USA right now. Trump fanning the flames and even "igniting" new ones. Hatred begets hatred.
Patti
I'm with you here Patti - the shortness of this piece is its sharpness, it's honed edged impact. It is a stab or a slash and a very powerful one too. The 'razor slicing into man's sinew' is such a powerful image it carries the message with vivid ferocity that the point, the rise of racism, the provocation of it is so horrible and nasty as to be chilling, is delivered in one thrust. I'm not blowing smoke up your arse Flo, but I don't know anyone who delivers more impact in so few words as you! I'd have to write an essay about this to get the message across and still wouldn't achieve the impact that you do here. If ever they run a contest for 'most impact within fewest words' you'd run away with it; no one else would get close. Exceptional! All the best, Dill x
Author
Reply
:D Sometimes the few words the more impact. As poets fall victim to wanting more and at times dilutes the "point" of the piece. I gave thought to adding to it but thought that would only be due to another opinion. So decided to stay true to what I wanted to say.
I may copy what you wrote and stash it away where I can read it when I'm in doubt. :D
One thing I've learned.. I'm a bit different than many writers. To sit down everyday and write poetry doesn't work for me. My best work is spontaneous and I have to type as fast or write as fast as i can to capture it.
When I can't write.. I listen to "The National" and get lost in the lyrics.. wrote a piece inspired by one of their songs.. even used a pic of my son Erik with his son on his shoulders.. "With my kid on my shoulders I try.. etc etc..
Thank you so much for the feedback.
Patti
"A honed edged chill invades" That is very well put! The last two lines powerfully complete things... This is a very short, but clear, insightful poem. Truly, much is said here in few words. "...once a vision." Death of understanding, compassion, and a dream that encompassed all things good and noble, namely love for others irregardless of who they are, their skin color, nationality, religion - whatever... Death of a vision revealing people getting along, helping each other, not harming.
Thanks for sharing this, Patti!
Peace,
Mike
Author
Reply
Thanks Mike.. sometimes brevity lends a stronger voice. I've read many works that carry verses much longer and weaken as they go along. Sometimes having one hurrying through thus not appreciating the message as diluted.
It has been great feeling the urge to write again. So true of me. If I force it I fail.
Not one to be disciplined enough to write everyday.
Most likely in the next few days or weeks.. I will once again be wordless. :D
Now to get back to drawing and perhaps I will feel whole again.
Hope to hit the reading more tomorrow but seeing to Christmas decorations and my Lego Christmas Village and train set. :D AND how to keep Theo out of the middle of it. Catzilla has his own agenda.
Patti
No
Rachel Parsons