Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.
As Memphis said aptly, I'll be able to help more on the prologue question after I've read the final chapters. This applies to all chapters between.
So, where's the rest of the story? Don't make me have to restart the cattleprod thread
Work is ongoing. This week I've been making suggested edits to my older scenes. Picked up a new reviewer with excellent ideas (Ray). Unfortunately, he finds the site toxic/useless, so he's leaving. For some reason I can't delete that obnoxious thread. The rules for Premium must be different than for our group.
I settled on keeping the longer prologue. I don't want to make the reader wade through 200 pages before getting their answer to how the scene ends.
Next week I start writing the exorcism!
Question. I have a scene where Connor startles a mother superior, currently written as:
The mother superior gave Connor a startled look.
Is that the same as saying:
The mother superior startled.
I don't know if the latter is a valid use of the verb.
Thanks
Dirk
I've seen the latter used in mainstream books, but I dislike it. How can startle be used intransitively? Just seems odd.
Even better: the mother superior jumped.
Thanks
Dirk
Kdot, I have a potential plothole I'm wondering about. When Connor is trying to drive out the demons, he says "God the Father commands you! God the Son commands you! God the Holy Spirit commands you!" That doesn't work. He eventually realizes that the right thing to say is "I command you!"
If Connor is Christ, which is what I'm hinting at, then the first three commands should have worked. It's one thing for those to fail to work when a priest says them, since some demons are too powerful, especially Legion, but when Christ issues those commands, they should have worked. In the New Testament, Jesus barely broke a sweat casting them out.
Thoughts?
Dirk
I think I found a fix. Connor's powers are still developing, which is why he doesn't understand when Legion says we meet again. Not perfect, but close enough.
P.S. Swiping with Android's Google keyboard is riddled with errors. Too bad Swype is no longer available. If you see me posting bizarre sentences, I'm either drunk, high, or swiping.
Kdot fix: Delete the lines
Hmm. Those lines are three of most quotable from the Rites of Exorcism and allow me to build to the fourth (successful) line. The Exorcist used them repeatedly, so I cut my usage to just once. I read the original script this weekend, and there's only one other sentence of overlap, but it's not as important.
Howdy, Dirk!
Made it. Decided to stay another month. Have received some very valuable input from several older members, too good to miss. Plus, as a serious insomniac, like you, it appears, I write mostly at night, and an occasional discussion here sounds good to me. Have at it!
Ray
Welcome, Ray.
POV question. Since the following is from Father Romano's POV, Kdot rightly pointed out that the second sentence is a bit of a POV slip. I've since made it worse by adding "in concentration" to the first sentence.
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in concentration. He turned his head slowly from side to side, as if sensing something that others could not. He shivered.
Technically, it's possible Connor is smelling a fart and trying to figure out where it's coming from, but that's not likely. How big a deal is this? And what would fix it? If I take out the problem parts, I'm left with:
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He turned his head slowly from side to side, then shivered.
Doesn't really tell the reader enough until half a page later when Connor says he can sense many demons in the room. Or does it?
Suggestions?
Thanks
Dirk
Howdy, Dirk!
Written in the POV of Romano, I think your first attempt is indeed a bit shaky. Romano can't know Connor furrows his brow 'to concentrate', and 'He' muddies the waters a little more. If you connect the two sentences with a comma and say, '... his brow, at the same time slowly turning his head from side to side, as if... ' Also, Romano's observation about sensing something the others can't seems a bit... Oh, I don't know, too convenient. Maybe if you illustrate that a bit, I can believe it. 'like a dog sniffing the smell of food [in the air]'? Also, who shivers? Romano? It gets damned complicated sometimes, doesn't it?
Hope this helps a bit.
Best,
Ray
POV question. Since the following is from Father Romano's POV, Kdot rightly pointed out that the second sentence is a bit of a POV slip. I've since made it worse by adding "in concentration" to the first sentence.
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in concentration. He turned his head slowly from side to side, as if sensing something that others could not. He shivered.
Technically, it's possible Connor is smelling a fart and trying to figure out where it's coming from, but that's not likely. How big a deal is this? And what would fix it? If I take out the problem parts, I'm left with:
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He turned his head slowly from side to side, then shivered.
Doesn't really tell the reader enough until half a page later when Connor says he can sense many demons in the room. Or does it?
Suggestions?
Thanks
Dirk
Tentatively, I'm going with the following. I decided it's not so bad after all. The fact that he shivered tells the reader he's sensed something.
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He turned his head slowly from side to side, then shivered.
I'll wait for Kdot to wake up before I finalize it. Kdot, what are you doing sleeping at 5 AM? :-)
You & Ray make good observations.
I still question if Romano is needed at all, but I understand it'll be clarified near the end. Just understand I'm approaching the story from a different angle of "how do I settle into the heads of the movers and shakers"
As Connor's powers grow, he will increasingly become the central character, except for the point of view, which has to remain Romano's. It's a little like the Gospels themselves. They were written from the point of view of four different men, but Jesus is the central character in each. If it wasn't for that, Romano could be written out of the scenes. What I need to do is give Romano more to do. FYI, the prologue is currently written from Connor's point of view, but that's a temporary placeholder. Once I write that scene in the main story, it too will be from Romano's point off view.
All edits are in, but I'm going to change the ending, not sure when. Rather than Connor casting Legion out of the reverend mother, it's better if Legion jumps into him and they do spiritual battle with him. It's a lot like The Exorcist, which is why I didn't do it this time around. Unlike the film, Connor will of course survive, so it just remains to be seen if I can make the battle sufficiently interesting to work. He's fighting a legion of demons, so I may be able to do it.
Dirk!
For what it's worth, I think you're passing up an excellent opportunity to add some suspense to the mix by not foreshadowing that your boy suspects demons in the room. Have him sniff, throw in a colorful metaphor, make it scary, force the reader to turn the page. His shivering tells me nothing.
Ray
I eliminated the shivering. As currently written, he closes his eyes, furrows his brow, and turns his head from side to side while the exorcist is praying. Half a page later, he throws holy water on the exorcist, who screams as his body dissolves to reveal that he's a demon in human form.
Temper this with my at-odds approach, but I would have the POV character shiver and perceive demons. I would make the fear transcend to the narrator and let Connor do his own thing
In the revised ending, the demons will be visible as they transfer from the reverend mother to Connor. To differentiate my transfer of demons from the way it happened in The Exorcist, I have her grow fangs and bite into Connor's neck, at which point Legion passes to him, and the fun begins. Once he manages to expel them, they will whip around the room terrorizing my cast of characters, before fleeing under the door.
My biggest problem turns out to be that Connor argues out loud with Legion, but they both speak using Connor's voice. It's hard to write a conversation that way. Needs some thought.
Fangs and neck-biting? Watch out! Don't turn her into a vampire.
I was tempted to have Connor say, "Are you a demon or a vampire?" just before she bites him. It's actually combined with wolf-like growls.
Caution: This will make vampires real. Perhaps even expected.
I gave up. Too many problems to address if Connor becomes possessed. I may try again next draft.
Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.
