Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Cool. Thank you. Now I just have to figure out how to bundle my chapters. :-)

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Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Cardinal Aristotele Vitale sat alone, praying before the high altar of Basilica Papale di San Lorenzo fuori le Mura, his titular church in Rome. Father Coppola, the parish pastor, had already left for the night, locking the doors behind him.

Try 'the high altar of his titular church, the Basilica Papale ...' .  The simpler and closer-to-the-topic side of the appositive first, the elaboration in the appositive position (after or between the commas).

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

You're right. Thanks.

504 (edited by Dirk B. 2019-10-07 22:01:40)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

In my most recent chapter (the half page scene), Bobbie suggested I try to find something more memorable for the dark being to say besides "Allow me to introduce myself." Below is the part in question.

A dark being stood a few feet away. Light barely penetrated to his face or clothes, as if he was shrouded in deep shadows where none existed.
Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
Allow me to introduce myself.” The ground shook, the crucifix behind the altar crashed to the floor, and the stained-glass windows exploded inward. The temperature plummeted and the lights dimmed. Fog swirled around the being and his eyes glowed fiery red.

I wanted something understated/polite compared with the destruction (and killing) that follows, but I'm open to other options. Anyone have any suggestions for something better?

Thanks
Dirk

505 (edited by Dirk B. 2019-10-07 23:35:53)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

How about "Tsk. Where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself."

506

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Re-red it. I question the presentation of data around the dialogue in question, but I need to factor in the scenes before it and after. The questions in my head are where are the highs in the chapter and where are the lows.  How much do I care about Vitale or is it satisfying that me might get eaten.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

You won't care about Vitale at this point. It's his first appearance in the book. He featured well in the original (long) version of this scene, but that gave too much away. He features prominently as a dead man in scenes to come. I'd hate to have to write a whole filler chapter, though, just to introduce him properly. It would drag. Nevertheless, there's something to be said about caring for the character (even a little) before killing him. Whatever I do here I'll also do for the other three cardinals I plan to kill off.

Scene 0.0 is Connor saving the tour group in the Holy Land (the prologue)
Scene 1.1 is Connor curing the epileptic kid and the first appearance of the dark being
Scene 1.2 is this one.
Scene 1.3 is Connor and the epileptic kid becoming friends
Scene 1.4 is Campagna & De Rosa discovering Vitale's body in the nearby grave

508 (edited by Dirk B. 2019-10-08 22:50:08)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Kdot, what do you think? Is this enough of an intro to Vitale before I kill him?

Cardinal Aristotele Vitale shuffled down the center aisle of his titular church, Basilica Papale di San Lorenzo fuori le Mura, in Rome. If Vitale hadn’t known better, he’d have sworn the aisle grew longer with each passing year. At eighty-six, he wondered how many more years he would be able to walk to the high altar. Given what the Lord had endured on the cross, it would take more than a body riddled with arthritis to stop him from his frequent visits to pray here.

Vitale always admired the massive stone pillars that ran the length of the church on the far side of the pews to his left and right. Indeed, the entire church had a long and storied history. Saint Lawrence, for whom the church was named, was martyred by Roman Emperor Valerian in 258 AD and entombed under what was now the altar. Other saints and popes were buried there as well. The first church over the site was built in the 6th century, and a second built in front of it in the 13th century. The two were later combined. The church was bombed during World War II but subsequently restored.

Besides Vitale, the church was empty. Father Coppola, the parish pastor, had already left for the night, locking the doors. Vitale had used his own key to enter, then locked himself in. Except for the occasional tourist pulling on the door and the faint sound of traffic from the Via Tiburtina, all was quiet.

Vitale genuflected toward the cross atop the domed altar, then sat in the front pew. Sadly, gone were the days when he could kneel on the tiled floor. He straightened his scarlet robes. As always, they were freshly laundered. He owned several sets, allowing him to always wear clean clothes when entering his church. The laundering costs were a minor extravagance that Vitale thought the Lord would approve of. Besides, Vitale donated the unused portion of his yearly pay to the poor.

He began to pray. Soon, pounding footsteps approached him from behind. He sighed, thinking Coppola had returned. “Did you forget something, Father?”

A sonorous male voice said, “Good evening, Your Eminence.”

The cardinal turned.

A dark being stood a few feet away. Light barely penetrated to his face or clothes, as if he was shrouded in deep shadows where none existed.

Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”

“Allow me to introduce myself.” The ground shook, the cross atop the altar crashed to the floor, and the windows exploded inward. The temperature plummeted and the lights dimmed. Fog swirled around the being and his eyes glowed fiery red.

Vitale staggered back, realizing he was staring in the face of death.

Needs a better ending sentence.

509

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Sorry too much "fact" for me first two paragraphs. But take that thought into context that I don't read this genre and have nothing to compare to

510

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Anyway, keep going... I need to see like the first 75% of the story before I can offer anything useful to a chapter 2

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

I now have two out of four reviewers telling me that "allow me to introduce myself", spoken by the dark being just before the shit hits the fan, is crap.

512 (edited by Dirk B. 2019-10-08 23:30:25)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

How about this?

Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
“Here's a clue.” The ground shook, the cross atop the altar crashed to the floor, and the windows exploded inward. The temperature plummeted and the lights dimmed. Fog swirled around the being and his eyes glowed fiery red.

513

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

A simple introduction is really beating you up

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

The interesting thing, though, about fighting with that one line gave me a very different approach to the ending. I'll work on it tomorrow. I still don't have what I would call a satisfying one liner. It's my battle for a good trilogy title all over again. I need to find something in contemporary films and shows to use. E.g. Who are you? Darth Sidious.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

I looked up top 100 movie villains that I could use as the one-liner, but the only truly recognizable embodiments of evil are Darth Sidious and Darth Vader. I'll check out real-life killers tomorrow. And fictional/real-life heroes as a possible sarcastic response.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

This one is growing on me. I like the sarcasm coming from a supervillain.

Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
The being looked around as a tourist might, then faced Vitale. “Luke Skywalker.” The ground shook, the cross atop the altar crashed to the floor, and the windows exploded inward.

517 (edited by Dirk B. 2019-10-09 13:07:55)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

The revised version is up. I didn't bother republishing as it's not that different, except for the ending. I can die in peace now. Bury me next to the cardinal.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Who are you?
Mother Theresa.

I think that nails it.

519

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

"Vitale always admired..."  Try opening with "The basilica had a long and storied history" (or such).  You've moved from Vitale to the church.  Stay there, don't alternate unless you have a purpose.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Ok, thanks

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

I remember now why I moved from Vitale to the Church back to Vitale. I always get dinged by some of my reviewers for stopping the story for description, so I started tying it more closely to the character. Not sure if I'm doing it right. I'll go back to doing it as you suggest, njc, and see how many people pounce on me.

Thanks.
Dirk

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Here's the current version:

Vitale always admired the frescos and statues that adorned the church. Indeed, it had a long and storied history. Saint Lawrence, for whom the church was named, was martyred by Roman Emperor Valerian in 258 AD and entombed under what was now the altar. Other saints and popes were buried there as well. The first church over the site was built in the sixth century, and a second in the thirteenth century. The two were later combined. Vitale smiled. Those who built them were clearly inspired by God.

I have to admit I felt that 'Vitale smiled. Those who built them were clearly inspired by God.' reads like it was tacked on, but the lead in seems correct.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Site hiccup. Here's the changed version. I changed the last two sentences.

Vitale always admired the frescos and statues that adorned the church. Indeed, it had a long and storied history. Saint Lawrence, for whom the church was named, was martyred by Roman Emperor Valerian in 258 AD and entombed under what was now the altar. Other saints and popes were buried there as well. The first church over the site was built in the sixth century, and a second in the thirteenth century. The two were later combined, before being bombed in World War II. It was then lovingly restored by men inspired by God.

Thoughts?

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Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

You've got him moving in the aisle, and our attention to its length.  Why not let him count the pillars, then tell us of the frescoes he sees along the way.  Instead of 'always admired', they cause him to lose count as their scenes take him away from his struggle up the aisle.   You've got possibilities: they are more and more valuable to him as he ages, they set his mind for the conflict to come ..  .

There's a quote at this link: https://www.classicmysteries.net/2012/1 … imsey.html  .  It begins with "The bells gave tongue" and continues in beautiful, wordy prose.  It's also loaded with critical clues to the mystery, and if you've not read the whole story I hope you will, to see how this long paragraph is a lynchpin to the story.

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Thanks. I'll give it a read.