576 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-11-28 00:54:09)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Totally forgot that Romano is supposed to start unraveling because of his guilt at the death of his former lover. Changed the beginning of the chapter to this:

Father Romano returned to Sant’Eugenio Hospital the following morning to pick up Connor. As he walked down the hallway toward the boy’s room, Romano thought he heard someone familiar call his name. He turned around and saw Antonio, his dead lover, lying on the floor, his body broken and blood gushing from his nose and mouth.

Romano ran toward him, but when he blinked, the man was gone. A chill ran down the father’s spine and his heart pounded. He stood there for a time, unsure of what he had seen. Eventually, he dismissed it as resulting from his own guilt. He resumed walking toward Connor’s room, where he found the boy dressed and ready to go. “How are you feeling?”

Quote Post 576

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Dirk.

The dialog at the end is quite jarring. I'd use a new paragraph for it, and add 'he said.'

Quote Post 577

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Yup. Thanks.

Quote Post 578

579 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-11-29 04:10:43)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

I'm not in the mood to write a new chapter, so I decided to take another crack at Connor becoming possessed by Legion. The damn scene screams for the possession. To differentiate the transfer of the demons from the one in The Exorcist, I can do it by Palermo (the reverend mother) biting into his throat or simply by kissing him.

The tricky part is that once Connor is possessed, there are up to three possible voices coming out of him: his own normal voice, his supernatural commanding voice (deep/reverberates), and the many simultaneous voices of Legion. There will be a conversation between these voices, with Connor on one side and Legion on the other. I could potentially differentiate them by using 'Connor said' and 'Legion said', although that's inconsistent with how I wrote the rest of the scene, where Palermo is identified as Connor's external opposition. Palermo has the many voices of the demons throughout the scene, but Connor can't identify them as Legion until fairly late. Even then, I continue to refer to her as Palermo throughout, for consistency. Does it matter if I shift from 'Palermo' as the external opposition to 'Legion' as Connor's internal opposition? Worse, every physical action Connor takes must be referred to as 'Connor did X', regardless of who (Connor or Legion) caused the action, since the POV character (Romano) can't tell which of the two is acting, only who is talking. This has the potential to be very confusing.

Thoughts?

Thanks
Dirk

Quote Post 579

580 Reply by Kdot

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Dirk B. wrote:

Thoughts?

Scene doesn't scream possession to me. If anything, this sounds like a logistical nightmare.

I remember an old ghost story. I think it was called "Le dernier soldat" though google brings up too many results to find it at the moment. They did their supernatural attack as footprints marching across the room. Approach would reduce the amount of choreography needed.

Quote Post 580

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

I took the easy way and eliminated all references that lead the reader to expect that Connor becomes possessed by Legion. Close enough.

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582 Reply by Kdot

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

I murdered your seance

Quote Post 582

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Note to self: expired diet Pepsi tastes nasty.

Quote Post 583

584 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-01 00:31:48)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Dirk B. wrote:

POV question. Since the following is from Father Romano's POV, Kdot rightly pointed out that the second sentence is a bit of a POV slip. I've since made it worse by adding "in concentration" to the first sentence.

Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in concentration. He turned his head slowly from side to side, as if sensing something that others could not. He shivered.

Interesting. It occurs to me that one could keep the above POV slips based on the fact that these are Romano's assumptions. The rest of the chapter is also written from Romano's POV, and he makes other assumptions that are routine in novels, such as saying 'Connor looked at X.' In the latter case, how would Romano know exactly what Connor is looking at? Connor might be admiring the exorcist's shoes, rather than the exorcist's actions. Romano's thoughts (whether correct of incorrect) could be considered part of his POV as well.

Naturally, this would never get past any experienced reviewers on this site, but it is annoying to have to use words like "as if", "probably", "seemed to", etc.

Dirk

Quote Post 584

585 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-01 12:46:48)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Eek! I've introduced 21 named characters in 12 scenes. Some have only bit parts and then disappear, but still...

Quote Post 585

586 Reply by Kdot

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Dirk B. wrote:

Eek! I've introduced 21 named characters in 12 scenes. Some have only bit parts and then disappear, but still...

Don't worry... once I reach the end, I'll be back with a list of which extras can get fed to the firing quad (aka villain team)

Quote Post 586

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Technically, there are really only two villains in book one, both of whom are needed in the whole trilogy. Book two adds a third as the Unholy Trinity reaches full strength.

Quote Post 587

588 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-02 01:31:35)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Oops. Misunderstood your last comment on first read. I'm trying to limit the body count, although I'm not doing very well. Alessandro was unplanned, as was the reverend mother, but both seemed obvious once I wrote the scenes. Since they're both destined for heaven, it's not so bad. The dead gravedigger evolved out of a prior version of scene 1.2 (murder of the first cardinal), but I decided it might be useful to keep him dead. Not sure yet.

Quote Post 588

589 Reply by njc (edited by njc 2019-12-02 02:44:47)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Craig Shaw Gardener wrote send-ups of heroic fantasy.    In the last volume of one series (A disagreement with Death, I think) he has the protagonist stride off into the sunset, trailed by all the characters sucked into his adventures.  Of course, for a truly epic cast, you can look to the Girl Genius story, now in its nineteenth year.  (http://girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php, dramatis personae available here: https://girlgenius.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Characters, about 300 characters listed, from Abbess to Zuli)

Quote Post 589

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

My Galaxy Tales was loaded with characters and mayhem. I didn't realize it until I looked at the row count in my spreadsheet. Some were historical, though, such as Dr. Amy Ess.

Quote Post 590

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Kill me now. I just learned about the Dagger of Mortis in Star Wars. There's a whole history (dark/light) about it in the Clone Wars, and it may appear in Star Wars 9. I'm really hoping it doesn't play a huge role, if any, in the movie. I'm within a few chapters of introducing one myself, which was always intended to be central to the climax of the trilogy. I'm screwed if it's central to the Emperor's demise.

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592 Reply by Kdot

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

In Project L I used the Ivory Pomegranate. Watch it show up in a major film and shunt me off too

Quote Post 592

593 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-09 03:29:25)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Slight change to the end of the exorcism chapter. A little foreshadowing/prophesying.

The nun said, “Connor, the reverend mother is asking for you.”
He walked to where she lay on the floor and knelt beside her.
She took his hands in hers and kissed them, tears streaming down her face. Her irises had turned from red to a natural brown. “Thank you, my child!” She swallowed with difficulty and struggled to continue. “Beware the road ahead… dark… everything depends…” She squeezed his hands. “God is with… Always…” She released his hands and breathed her last.
Connor closed her eyes. “The angels await you, Reverend Mother.”

Quote Post 593

594 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-10 18:01:34)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Wow! Nana Mouskouri can really belt out Amazing Grace. I've listened to many renditions of the song over the years. Hers is the best so far.

Quote Post 594

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Wow! Nana Mouskouri! There's a name from the past. She was really big in Europe in the sixties.

Quote Post 595

596 Reply by ray ashton (edited by ray ashton 2019-12-10 16:56:02)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Hey, Dirk?

The nun said, “Connor, the reverend mother is asking for you.”
He walked to where she lay on the floor and knelt beside her.
She took his hands in hers and kissed them, tears streaming down her face. Her irises had turned from red to a natural brown. “Thank you, my child!” She swallowed with difficulty and struggled to continue. “Beware the road ahead… dark… everything depends…” She squeezed his hands. “God is with… Always…” She released his hands and breathed her last.
Connor closed her eyes. “The angels await you, Reverend Mother.”

There are 4 sentences here that start with 'She.' I urge you to re-structure some of those. What's her name? Can you use it to easily eliminate at least one?

---> She swallowed with difficulty and struggled to continue. *** He noticed her difficulty swallowing and struggle to continue?
---> She squeezed his hands. “God is with… Always…” She released his hands and breathed her last. ***  “God is with… Always…” she murmured, squeezing his hands, then releasing them, breathing her last [breath]?

Ray

Quote Post 596

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Nice catch. I've been encouraged recently to replace name references with pronouns, assuming no confusion. It didn't occur to me how it reads because I'm too close to this chapter.

Thanks
Dirk

Quote Post 597

598 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-10 18:15:10)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

Here's what I came up with.

The nun said, “Connor, the reverend mother is asking for you.”
He walked to where she lay on the floor and knelt beside her.
Palermo took his hands in hers and kissed them, tears streaming down her face. Her irises had turned from red to a natural brown. “Thank you, my child!” She swallowed with difficulty and struggled to continue. “Beware the road ahead… dark… everything depends…” Palermo squeezed his hands. “God is with… Always.” She breathed her last.
A tear rolled down Connor’s cheek and he closed her eyes. “The angels await you, Reverend Mother.”

EDIT: Oops. Ray, I missed your two suggestions on first read. Your first one uses a filter word (noticed), which are similar to saw, heard, felt, etc. When you leave out the filter words, you get a deeper POV. In lieu of your second example, I simply deleted her letting go of his hands. It's implied by him closing her eyes.

Thanks again.
Dirk

Quote Post 598

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

There you go. Don't get lazy on me again, Dirk!   :o)

Quote Post 599

600 Reply by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-12-11 01:51:03)

Re: The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B.

If you think the last example was bad, check out this one I just noticed in the chapter:

Connor managed to take a breath. “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti! Amen!”
She winced and briefly lost her hold on him.
He inhaled deeply and repeated the words.
She convulsed and cried out.
He forced her hands from his neck and spoke the words a third time.
She shrieked and stepped back.
He closed his eyes and moved his lips in silent prayer.
She came at him again, warily, growling wolf-like.
He concluded his prayer. “Bring it!”

:-)

Quote Post 600