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Well, shit. I went back and reread much of this thread for past ideas on how I had considered handling the cardinal killings/suicides to see if I can improve the detective half of this story. Not nearly enough tension at present to keep me interested. Turns out I already pretty much considered half a dozen ways of doing things, which resulted in numerous versions of scene 1.2 (first cardinal meets the Antichrist). The current approach evolved from the other five I punted. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

One new option is to pose all of the dead cardinals crucifixion-style, hanging from high on a wall. Cardinal Vitale would be nailed above the high altar. Maybe they even died from being crucified? Lets face it, these cardinals are not in great health to begin with. Death by crucifixion is probably the only violent form of death that Catholic readers might tolerate. It begs the question, though, how the Antichrist got the cardinals up high on a wall by himself. He's very powerful, but nailing someone against a high wall probably requires more than one killer, and I don't want to introduce more demons if I can avoid it. The focus should be on the AC.

I also still have the option of having them die of sheer terror. That was an option I considered at one point. Not sure how to build on that, though.

Manner of death only buys me maybe 5% more tension. It's the slow pace of the investigation that's killing me. Problem is, if the killings pile up quickly, then all of Rome will know about it and a huge police task force would be set up to investigate the deaths. I don't have enough info on Italian police procedures to do the task force, unless I use the idea of a special dedicated tactical team from the outset (i.e., made up any way I like). Kind of like Men in Black, minus the humor.

Having taken a much-needed break from Saving Connor for the Dune story, I realize the problem is I'm bored with the detective half of my story. There are three more cardinals to kill, and other than manner of death, it'll be more of the same dreary detective work. Clues, false leads, interrogations, etc. There's nothing to keep it fresh. I was planning to form a special tactical unit in act 2 led by the inspectors to focus specifically on hunting for the Antichrist, which would include chase scenes, explosions, gun battles, etc. I'm trying to decide if I can pull the tactical unit right up to the beginning of the story and have the inspectors and the Church already in the process of hunting for the Antichrist based on a rapidly increasing number of deaths among the clergy over a period of years. That would break a *lot* of stuff, though.

I put up a piece of Dune fan fiction under short stories for those interested. I needed the break from my own universe.

Question. I'm getting ready to write the second murder, but there isn't much left to write about the dark figure that I didn't already include in my recently expanded chapter two. I knew that while I was rewriting it. My thought was that the remaining three murders would go something like this:

The brief dialogue is identical to that in chapter two, except he has a different answer each time he's asked who he is (in chapter two, he said, "Mother Teresa.").

Basically, the rest is left up to the imagination and, if important, will be unearthed (pardon the pun) by the detectives. It avoids repeating the whole spiel about him being the Antichrist, torturing the victim into committing suicide, etc. The second victim will hang himself. He won't be found buried.

Thoughts?
Dirk

I'll send you to fight it out with the point of view police the next time it comes up.

Hmm. I begin to remember why Paul of Dune wasn't a great story. It's set a year after the events of Dune end and has a lot of potential. Unfortunately, the authors try to pull in material from the three House prequels, which I didn't enjoy. A lot of characters I didn't care for are reappearing, only older.

However, the story is much more understandable. The elder Herbert had a lot to say on ecology, religion, psychology, and politics, but I found some of it hard to interpret, even in my most recent reread. Paul of Dune is much clearer in that regard.

One scene in the latter where the authors missed the boat was when Emperor Paul Maud'dib addresses many great houses of the Landsraad on the old imperial home world of Kaitain.  The scene was way too short. That should have been a major chapter about Paul trying to win over the great houses to end his jihad as quickly as possible.

Ah, well. The sooner I get through it, the sooner I can start Dune Messiah and return to my half-confused state.

Yup. My thanks to all for an interesting discussion.

I fixed it by having the dark figure identify himself as the Antichrist, which I didn't do until yesterday. I went back and forth about whether to do that so early in the story, but it's no secret that the Church will come to believe they and Connor are being stalked by him (it's in the book summary). I figure get him in there right from the get-go.

Law & Order always throws out false leads. Ditto for Agatha Christie and Hercule Poirot. In your examples with Mary, the reader is owed an explanation at some point as to why the detective thought she was guilty. If Mary is completely innocent, I might word it differently, so the reader knows there is some doubt. I did that with the interrogation of Father Coppola. They discussed several times in the early chapters about needing more evidence. Even after they arrest him and he drops dead from a heart attack, Inspector Campagna is wondering if they just killed an innocent man.

My argument has more to do with the little assumptions one can sensibly make based on the POV character's knowledge. Romano knows Connor has special powers, and he's at the exorcism because he may have some insight into why they can't cast out the demons of the possessed woman. When he closes his eyes and turns his head from side to side, it's prefectly reasonable for Romano to assume Connor is sensing something related to the exorcism in progress. There's no reason for the as if. If Romano's assumption is wrong, it will have to be explained and maybe even foreshadowed.

By including as if and similar words whenever there is a reasonable assumption being made, it flags every one of them with an implied: Watch out! This may be wrong! As CJ noted, an author's attempt to make the MC completely objective when the story doesn't require it pulls me out of the story. The deeper the POV of the MC, the more those moments stand out when they shouldn't.

No, that's not what I meant, John. I'm objecting to having use words like: as if, apparently, obviously, most likely, etc. to avoid a pov slip when common sense says the pov character is making a reasonable assumption based on the information he has available. I follow the herd, but I do so unwillingly. I'm tempted to start breaking that rule in my next draft.