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Janet, I added "mate" to the chapter, as you suggested. It's hilarious. I only use it once at the end when the AI is pissed off about the lack of respect. It says: Listen, Mate, I've asked you repeatedly to refer to me as Queen Aussie...

So, Australia goes for Windsor. You do realize, Janet, that I named her after the Queen, don't you? Windsor-Mountbatten, I believe is the correct spelling.

Group Think:

What do you think of my putting Admiral Windsor in Joseph's head (he's her grandson) for the whole story? Her appearance in chapter two, having just died in chapter one, would strongly suggest to the reader that she is real (in storytime, it's actually 11 years after her death, which I'll mention). Windsor is one of several ties to chapter one (Lupus and Aussie being the others). Naturally, I'll include the bit about mental illness, so there will still be some doubt from chapter two onward, just less so.

I'd have to reduce God's role in Joseph's half of the story. It also means the admiral would be the one to give Joseph his spine, rather than his deceased mother. The mother would die and disappear, so there would be no happy appearance by the mother in his head to assuage his guilt.

Similarly, Emperor Nero will appear in Apollo's head once Nero dies, but not until the end of act II.

Thoughts?

4500

Quick poll. Is it okay that my opening chapter is 18 double-spaced pages (roughly 3.0 points)? I usually try to keep my chapters between 10 and 15. It grew by a couple of pages because of the return of the loony AI. I'm not finding much to trim. And no, K, I'm not ripping out the AI again. It's a recurring character.

Thanks, Don.

LMAO (apologies for all the cursing)

It works again.

Thank you.
Dirk

Huh? (That's the first word that came to mind.) :-)

Okay, on to Kdot's post. Same disclaimer as with Amy. What follows is mostly planning. Not all of it is in stone yet, otherwise I wouldn't have asked the questions.

- I'm not surprised that you think Joseph is ambling along. He's caught up in a whirlwind that tosses him from one place to another (cadet massacre, Central Haven riot, slavery, prison, battle, etc.). However, he believes it's all part of God's plan and doesn't question how insane his actions are until his crisis of faith.
- Apollo scheming? Apollo is also caught up in events beyond his crontrol. In his case, he's fighting God every step of the way, and the more he does, the more he fails. Only when he grows a pair and follows God is he able to gain control.
- I agree that Apollo's arc is more dramatic. I'll see if I can further amp up the tension in Joseph's chapter.
- As I mentioned in my response to Amy, Act II needs work. There isn't enough animosity between the MCs, fur flying, etc. I do have to stop a couple of times in the book to actually allow Joseph to define the Christian Heresy, beginning with the New Commandments, which slows the pace. His thoughts that lead him to unify the Essence, reincarnation, and evolution need trimming, but I think they're more interesting than the commandments.
- Is the end of Act II the neutral phase you refer to? If so, I'm confused, because that's where both the queen and emperor die. Most of Act II drags, except for the deaths at the end. Acts I & II need quite a bit of rewriting.
- The introduction of a smart, scheming Caligula was too good to pass up. His scheme mirrors that of the Imperium's founder, which is a nice connection. I also needed a chapter from his point of view in order to hide the surprise that Apollo is still alive. It also served as a place to flesh out battle chess, which first appears in v6 of chapter one. It will also come up during Nero's sham invasion of New Bethlehem.
- Joseph's descent into madness continues throughout Act III, so I assume you refer to where Apollo stops fighting God. That change to him relying on God should be more gradual. Will fix.
- I'll need to keep the animosity going between the two MCs.
- The madness for Joseph continues right until the finale. Joseph still hears God, although I could bring up a conversatiion between Apollo and God in the finale, although the main conversation between Apollo and God has already happened (God led Apollo to the decision to conquer the galaxy, but through colonization, not violence). Kind of weak reasoning. I'll have to think about that.
- The cult will truly go nowhere in book one. I've decided that in v3 he has at best a few followers, which is why he assumes the role of Messiah.
- The world that got blown up included scenes in palace, the senate, the parade ground, the church/graveyard, and the havens. Amy had me rip out a nice short description of the world's rings and moons, which I'll be putting back in.
- I'll have to think about your suggestions for the battle chapters. The new Caligula would never run from a fight. And he has the (lukewarm) support of the governors and the fleet, so he needs to be gone to trigger the cascade of defecting governors declaring for Apollo. If you recall, the battle began with Apollo+Realm vs. Caligula+Imperium, then morphed into Apollo+Realm vs. Lupus+Imperium, then Apollo+Imperium vs. Lupus+Imperium, then Joseph+marines vs. Lupus+classiarii, ending with Joseph+Realm + Apollo+Imperium.
- I don't see any way to bring the Christian Heresy into play in book I, since it takes more than a week to build up millions of followers (unless you're Pokemon). Plus, Joseph failing miserably with his religion adds to his sense of failure, hence the reason he declares himself the Messiah. The timeline within the books will be about four years apart, so 4017, 4021, and 4025. The Christian Heresy will catch on in a big way and will go head-to-head with Apollo's new empire.
- Personally, I found the lightsaber duel with Palpatine very enjoyable, were it not for the fact that Yoda looks CGI. The emperor hurling pods down at Yoda and cackling was fun. And who doesn't love Force lightning? The stupid leaping about by the CGI Yoda was a bore. I digress...
- I don't understand your suggestion that I was shelving Apollo. Caligula gets his chapter, then Apollo, then Joseph (with Apollo's revival within it). The post-battle is also Apollo's chapter.
- I agree that Apollo should continue to fear discovery, although it's going to get tedious at some point. There's only so many ways I can shake an arm. Amy's idea of having them mumble their dialogue with God is a good one. I also think I'm going to change Apollo's illness a little from Trembler's Disease to something a little more flexible. I was thinking once his trembling arm is amputated, he might start to laugh at inappropriate times. Or neck twitches. He'll also be a drug addict in v3 because that's the only known way to manage for his disease.
- There will be more to Caligula in the next draft as I mentioned in my response to Amy.

Thanks again for your detailed summary.
Dirk