The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B. (Page 32 of 57)

I agree r.e. the many references to 'dark figure'. In one of my previous versions, the dark figure claimed he was the Antichrist right from the beginning of the chapter, so all of the references to dark figure were replaced with the Antichrist. It read much better. Unfortunately, the dark figure is not the Antichrist and his true identity won't be revealed until the end. As a result, if the dark figure goes around claiming to be the Antichrist when only his victims are listening, it will come across as a cheat later when he's revealed to be someone else. Why claim to be someone you're not if the only purpose is to trick the reader? The closest I could come to justifying his lies is that he likes theater and he doesn't want to be caught off guard. Even Vitale is skeptical in the latest version of this chapter. I'll take another look at him calling himself the Antichrist, but I think it's a stretch. I need the reader to know that his claims of being the Antichrist may not be true to avoid cheating at the end.

FYI, Connor is not the dark figure. That will be ruled out in my next chapter. The dark figure is 185 cm and Connor is 175 cm. I set that up in earlier chapters, but the Pope's Council will discuss it as they try to figure out who Connor really is.

I wore myself out trying to figure out how best to solve the repetitive references to dark figure. Finally decided to just delete roughly half the references to dark. Lots of references to figure, but I don't know of a better solution. His identity as the Antichrist comes too late in the chapter to play a useful role. I briefly considered referring to him as that thing (it's from the cardinal's POV), but I wanted to keep things consistent with the rest of the chapters. This is the only chapter where the overuse of dark figure/figure occurs. The story is transitioning so everyone will think of him as the Antichrist by the end of Act 1.

You're tackling it too soon. Give it a few weeks (months?) to bake. After a few sleeps, you'll have it. Ugly fact: the human brain continues to work on real world problems during REM sleep instead of... you know... relaxing. Impossible tasks surprisingly have solutions after some time has elapsed.

Problem eliminated. I decided to have the dark figure reveal himself as the Antichrist right after he arrives. From then on Vitale only thinks of him as the Antichrist. I also added that Vitale thinks he knows him from somewhere, but can't figure out where because the Antichrist is hiding in shadows with fake eyes and a fake voice.

Absolutely can be made to work, but not every narrator can pull it off. You'll want to use a highly subjective one to achieve this without getting called on for animate/conscious smiles.

I find it interesting/unusual that Frank Herbert chose to end Dune with Jessica's views of being a concubine ("history will call us wives"), rather than focusing on Paul.

You assume that was Alia talking (and not, say, the Baron, as we know from Book III)

It takes real skill to produce crap like that and not notice.

On the other hand, my 'Find on Page' feature only found 2 repeats, which is still unacceptable, but it's not a cesspool of repeats. Feel a little better now. I hate writing reviews that appear to be posted solely as a means of gathering points.

A tall dark figure surrounded by swirling fog stood a few meters away. Light barely penetrated to his face or clothes, as if he were shrouded in deep shadows where none existed. He wore his long coat’s collar turned up, his eyes glowed fiery red, and he stank of burned-out ruins.
Vitale’s eyes went wide and he struggled to stand. “Who … who are you?”
The dark figure smiled playfully, the outline of his lips barely visible. “Mother Teresa.”
Vitale frowned and waited.
The dark figure shrugged.

Also, Ray, if you read the chapter, then as far as I'm concerned you should take the points, even if you have to switch to a regular review. Seabrass says the same thing. I usually have a difficult time finding enough things to inline comment on in his stories, except for a rare typo or details on stuff I can't picture. Personally, I'll never need the points, so I don't go out of my way to collect them.

The cardinal asks him who he is. At first he says he's Mother Teresa, so the cardinal just frowns and waits. The dark figure sighs then quotes from the Book of Revelation about the Beast rising from the sea. The cardinal crosses himself and says, "Antichristus!", which the dark figure acknowledges with a demonic chuckle. From then on, the cardinal thinks of him as the Antichrist. After all, why would he lie? ;-)

Hmm. I begin to remember why Paul of Dune wasn't a great story. It's set a year after the events of Dune end and has a lot of potential. Unfortunately, the authors try to pull in material from the three House prequels, which I didn't enjoy. A lot of characters I didn't care for are reappearing, only older.

However, the story is much more understandable. The elder Herbert had a lot to say on ecology, religion, psychology, and politics, but I found some of it hard to interpret, even in my most recent reread. Paul of Dune is much clearer in that regard.

One scene in the latter where the authors missed the boat was when Emperor Paul Maud'dib addresses many great houses of the Landsraad on the old imperial home world of Kaitain.  The scene was way too short. That should have been a major chapter about Paul trying to win over the great houses to end his jihad as quickly as possible.

Ah, well. The sooner I get through it, the sooner I can start Dune Messiah and return to my half-confused state.