The Sorcerer's Progress (Page 5 of 62)

Lurymants prefer large, tough things.  An old bull might make a good meal, with something left over.  What is this with you wanting to leave a trail of dead characters wherever my protagonists go?  That's what the bad guys are supposed to do!

She was pleasant to all, friendly with none.>> What do you mean by this. I like the turn of word. But are you saying she has no close friends, just acquantences? And is this just since the baby?

"Is it true--if I may ask--is it true that you saved Eowne's life when her son was born, but let--but you lost her husband?"> this seems very important. I got the feeling from the previous chapters that Barris has some power and the fact Shogran nabbed him also points things in that direction.

Hey njc

I (think I) have sorted out most of my beginners problems to start looking for new eyes again.  And I guess you’ve been on my reading list long enough too.  And if it all goes according to plan, I’ll also be able to understand what you guys are talking about in your thread! (a pretty high hope, but a girl can dream!) 

It’s only suggestions/comments/thoughts, but I hope one or two will help.

[delete] (add)

Kirsey seemed [unaware](barely aware) of it all.
* it feels as if there’s a disconnect between the preceding detailed description like Kirsey holding the bag and him being completely unaware

His gait became lively and quirky; his eyes [ became] active and watchful, his face intense and alert.
* not sure about the proper punctuation, but the ; could probably be a , and still be ok (I usually get slaughtered for run-on sentences and the likes, but I think it’s a writing style and I don’t mind it)

I like how you’ve contrasted disinterest/placidness with his sudden change to excitement/interest.  Makes one go – why?  And that’s a good thing.

Kirsey joined the mass of students treading its front stairways.  He passed their throngs at the money-changing windows which, he swore, multiplied each time he came.
* I’m still outside when you started talking about money-changing windows which I assume are inside – maybe consider having Kirsey (and the reader) go through a door or something first (I’d like to know what the door looks like too – Kirsey is now noticing things, so I think I should too)

Kirsey requested a withdrawal [in](of) gold[,] in mixed denominations.
(?)  <---- this means I’m not sure sure, but at least it would avoid the repeat of “in” 

What neither the teller nor anyone else there could see was that Kirsey was watching the spells at work.
* I’ve missed something really important here – what spells?  Kirsey’s accounts being visible on the glass?  Or that he could be identified so easily?

I did however pick up that Kirsey, Minor Major, non-resident is a sorcerer without being spoon fed.

In those days, Masters lived apart from students, and their *staffs*--the Minors--lived between.
* staffs or staff – there is a difference to me, I think of staffs as sorcerer sticks, and staff with people working for you (technically, staffs can be the multiple of staff where it’s meant to be people working for you, but I don’t think it’s used much these days in that context and staff is used for single and plural – and hence my trip)

A few older Masters, *Kirsey's* among them, had met the changes with their privilege of adding their own places to the Academy.
* this tripped me (not hard to do BTW!) – I had to reread to be sure that you meant Kirsey’s Master and not Kirsey even though the sentence is technically 100% correct – consider:  A few older Masters, including Kirsey’s, had met …

(“)He'll want to see you, even if you have to wait for him." 

Sedlane brought the tea.  He would have poured it but Threckesrom took the honor to himself.  He poured Kirsey's without difficulty but his hand shook as he poured Sedlane's, and he needed both hands to pour his own.
*  this is a lot of pouring – maybe see if you can’t mix it up a bit?
*  good writing, you’ve told me something important here about Threckesrom

[After](While) they drank, Threckesrom said(,) "Master Nivras's heir is Master Bonthriss.  He does not view us kindly."
*  after/while – unless it was done on purpose to let the reader know these guys are really comfortable around each other as it would be a pretty long silence until they have finished drinking their tea (which would be awkward/uncomfortable for others!)
* or consider – After they took a sip (or some such to indicate they’re not finished with their tea yet)
*  given that Threckesrom adjusts his cup and saucer just now, I’d say they’re not done yet

The residence was built around a small courtyard, with the library on the far side. Kirsey expected to find the books far in (the) back, *in places he'd never seen.*
* this implies Kirsey has been to the library before and since Threckesrom has built the new residence – just checking that’s what you intended here

"Taking your last breaths as a free man?" said [Threkesrom](Threckesrom).

"No," said Threckesrom.  "But it will seem like it, and it will change you."
"It will change me even if I never come back."
*  good writing – tells me something without giving anything away

general comment – lots of Kirsey said and Threckesrom said – either see if you can do away with “he said she said” by making it obvious who is talking (maybe even have Sedlane not be there if it will still work - seems it would now that I've read to the end) or by having them do something action of some kind to identify who is speaking?
* this is where the he said-she said got obvious (before it wasn’t too obvious):
Kirsey said "We should have done this between a fancy dinner and the dessert."
"I don't think I could stay up that long," said Threckesrom.  "And Sedlane would see to it I ate only what was good for me, and not much of that."
He sent Sedlane from the room with an apology then said, with some effort, "Have you have ever heard of the Masters Regent?"
"If I have," said Kirsey "should I admit it?"

only problem is, now that I’ve noticed it, it will be more obvious even though it isn’t or shouldn’t be an issue …

general comment – Kirsey is after some books, and he got them, but you gave me no indication as to what the books are about – I don’t need much, but I do need something even if I could reach an entirely wrong conclusion what Kirsey is about or will do with the books – give me something, otherwise I feel cheated, and I think you’d rather go with me thinking I know what’s going to happen, but not knowing for sure than me feeling cheated out of information?
* same with what Kirsey has to do for Threckesroom

Overall easy to read/understand and I’ll read on.  Because I want to know what Kirsey is going to do with those books and what’s going to happen when Threckesroom dies!

Hope this helps!
Cheers Janet R

njc - here is my complete review, the @#$%& site cuts my regular reviews left, right and center for some unknown reason *grunts*

Hey njc

I (think I) have sorted out most of my beginners problems to start looking for new eyes again.  And I guess you’ve been on my reading list long enough too.  And if it all goes according to plan, I’ll also be able to understand what you guys are talking about in your thread! (a pretty high hope, but a girl can dream!) 

It’s only suggestions/comments/thoughts, but I hope one or two will help.

[delete] (add)

Kirsey seemed [unaware](barely aware) of it all.
* it feels as if there’s a disconnect between the preceding detailed description like Kirsey holding the bag and him being completely unaware

His gait became lively and quirky; his eyes [ became] active and watchful, his face intense and alert.
* not sure about the proper punctuation, but the ; could probably be a , and still be ok (I usually get slaughtered for run-on sentences and the likes, but I think it’s a writing style and I don’t mind it)

I like how you’ve contrasted disinterest/placidness with his sudden change to excitement/interest.  Makes one go – why?  And that’s a good thing.

Kirsey joined the mass of students treading its front stairways.  He passed their throngs at the money-changing windows which, he swore, multiplied each time he came.
* I’m still outside when you started talking about money-changing windows which I assume are inside – maybe consider having Kirsey (and the reader) go through a door or something first (I’d like to know what the door looks like too – Kirsey is now noticing things, so I think I should too)

Kirsey requested a withdrawal [in](of) gold[,] in mixed denominations.
(?)  <---- this means I’m not sure sure, but at least it would avoid the repeat of “in” 

What neither the teller nor anyone else there could see was that Kirsey was watching the spells at work.
* I’ve missed something really important here – what spells?  Kirsey’s accounts being visible on the glass?  Or that he could be identified so easily?

I did however pick up that Kirsey, Minor Major, non-resident is a sorcerer without being spoon fed.

In those days, Masters lived apart from students, and their *staffs*--the Minors--lived between.
* staffs or staff – there is a difference to me, I think of staffs as sorcerer sticks, and staff with people working for you (technically, staffs can be the multiple of staff where it’s meant to be people working for you, but I don’t think it’s used much these days in that context and staff is used for single and plural – and hence my trip)

A few older Masters, *Kirsey's* among them, had met the changes with their privilege of adding their own places to the Academy.
* this tripped me (not hard to do BTW!) – I had to reread to be sure that you meant Kirsey’s Master and not Kirsey even though the sentence is technically 100% correct – consider:  A few older Masters, including Kirsey’s, had met …

(“)He'll want to see you, even if you have to wait for him."

Sedlane brought the tea.  He would have poured it but Threckesrom took the honor to himself.  He poured Kirsey's without difficulty but his hand shook as he poured Sedlane's, and he needed both hands to pour his own.
*  this is a lot of pouring – maybe see if you can’t mix it up a bit?

*  good writing, you’ve told me something important here about Threckesrom

[After](While) they drank, Threckesrom said(,) "Master Nivras's heir is Master Bonthriss.  He does not view us kindly."
*  after/while – unless it was done on purpose to let the reader know these guys are really comfortable around each other as it would be a pretty long silence until they have finished drinking their tea (which would be awkward/uncomfortable for others!)

* or consider – After they took a sip (or some such to indicate they’re not finished with their tea yet)
*  given that Threckesrom adjusts his cup and saucer just now, I’d say they’re not done yet

The residence was built around a small courtyard, with the library on the far side. Kirsey expected to find the books far in (the) back, *in places he'd never seen.*
* this implies Kirsey has been to the library before and since Threckesrom has built the new residence – just checking that’s what you intended here

"Taking your last breaths as a free man?" said [Threkesrom](Threckesrom).

"No," said Threckesrom.  "But it will seem like it, and it will change you."
"It will change me even if I never come back."
*  good writing – tells me something without giving anything away

general comment – lots of Kirsey said and Threckesrom said – either see if you can do away with “he said she said” by making it obvious who is talking (maybe even have Sedlane not be there if it will still work - seems it would now that I've read to the end) or by having them do something action of some kind to identify who is speaking?
* this is where the he said-she said got obvious (before it wasn’t too obvious):
Kirsey said "We should have done this between a fancy dinner and the dessert."
"I don't think I could stay up that long," said Threckesrom.  "And Sedlane would see to it I ate only what was good for me, and not much of that."

He sent Sedlane from the room with an apology then said, with some effort, "Have you have ever heard of the Masters Regent?"
"If I have," said Kirsey "should I admit it?"

only problem is, now that I’ve noticed it, it will be more obvious even though it isn’t or shouldn’t be an issue …

general comment – Kirsey is after some books, and he got them, but you gave me no indication as to what the books are about – I don’t need much, but I do need something even if I could reach an entirely wrong conclusion what Kirsey is about or will do with the books – give me something, otherwise I feel cheated, and I think you’d rather go with me thinking I know what’s going to happen, but not knowing for sure than me feeling cheated out of information?
* same with what Kirsey has to do for Threckesroom

Overall easy to read/understand and I’ll read on.  Because I want to know what Kirsey is going to do with those books and what’s going to happen when Threckesroom dies!