Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Whoops! Well, that was a waste of time. You are correct. I read the pre-rewrite version. Sorry.
A
- amy s
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Nah. Review struck down by my inability to pay attention to the V.2. vs V.1. listed after the chapter name. Silly me.
Too many things to remember in this life. My brain is a coffee cup. Pour one thing in and something has to slosh out the side.
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Well, the big changes are structural. Low-level structure to be sure, and there are still edits to be made. Don't let that stop you.
54 2014-12-17 22:48:57 (edited by njc 2014-12-18 00:11:52)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Minor edits to the possible future chapter -Books for Pengrit- (now hiding in Vol. 2).
I have a little polishing for v2 of Commotion in Lifspynth/Shogran. I still have to consider moving the first scene after Chapter 1. The polishing/burnishing changes will go in soon.
---Done
55 2014-12-18 04:17:05 (edited by njc 2014-12-18 04:18:35)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Polishing done. It's down to about 4,700 words. I will be working on rearranging those scenes in the next day or two. Don't let that stop you if you feel an itch to review.
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
There's also the revised chapter 4. No matter where I move the thing, it's been shaped by your comments, especially the mother-daughter issues. I hope I've explained the inversion in a way that makes sense (without turning mama into a kitten).
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
I'm thinking of the big Chaos gem as one of these:
For the lambda-world gems, I'm thinking of this:
- amy s
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
I'm assuming that they are smaller than an apple? Because this isn't what I was visualizing. (appreciate the visual though)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
The chaos gem is peach-sized. The others are a little bigger than a walnut. That's why I give them fewer facets.
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
I'm getting back in harness after Christmas. I've just finished three Ellery Queen books I hadn't read before (one Wrightsville novel, two collections--one of them radio scripts) and almost half of the complete TV series. (That was a gift for Mom that I convinced her to open early. We also watched Frozen on DVD. In some ways, it is almost operatic.) I'm becoming convinced that Queen was the real master, even above Christie. The EQ collaboration was immensely prolific, and at its best the character painting is so good it's scary.
On the long drives, I listened to a lecture course on ethics, and got another three quarters of a page of themes that I want to work into my story as it develops. (I use half-sized notebooks: 
)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
1) There are a lot of repeat words now that you are adding more adjectives and going over the same thing for elaboration. You need to get used to using synonyms. Ex: A sorcerer might be a close friend, but never a close neighbor...At the Academy, she and Caneth had many friends-(friend)
I'll go with Strunk and White (unbowdlerized) on this one
Another example: By reflex, she windmilled her arms for balance. By reflex, she used control of the Elements (by reflex).
The problem is not the repetition of the word, but its use without a strong frapping to create the unity that I'm trying for.
2) Avoid using the word 'it' whenever possible.
Above you don't want me to repeat a word, now you deny me pronouns? I'm guessing you're inveighing against constructions like 'it was his good fortune that ...'
3) Incomplete sentences due to fragmented revision. Ex: They had traveled and adventure awaited the traveling sorcerer. (note this also repeats travel in the same sentence)
The sentence is quite complete, but a comma or semicolon after the conjunction would make the parse clearer. The second use of a part of 'travel' gives purpose to, and fulfills, the first use.
4) Order issues. I believe these would shake out with more revision. Here is a big one. Even late bloomers like Melayne had male friends. Friendship led to interest. Later, interest led to friendship (First she has male friends. Then she has interested males. Then she has friendship. Huh?)
The logic is clear. Before Melayne blossomed, friendship preceeded interest. After she blossomed, interest preceeded friendship. The inversion is important, not contradictory.
Okay, it's not clear enough.
5) Logic issues: A sorcerer might be a close friend, but never a close neighbor. (They are essentially home-schooling Merran in a remote area with few sorcerers, surrounding her with normal people who respect/ fear their abilities. Logically, Merran would have few friends, yet Melanyne hopes for this to just happen. Then she says later, With no society to mingle in, Merran had no chance to find her own circle of friends. When she bloomed as a woman, she would have no experience to draw on. (What you are telling us is that Merran is stunted by her home and abilities, and has had few if any friends. Give a reason why this isolation is needed. The Academy isn't being set up as a trouble spot. Make it clear that Merran is better off with few friends than going to that hole. Start parcelling out clues. This is where you hook someone with curiosity. Ex: Rapunzel wouldn't work if you kept Mother Gothel a secret from the reader for forty chapters and just had Rapunzel living the day-to-day. If you're going to bring up the Academy, then by golly BRING IT UP!)
Needed? It's not an existential or ontological necessity. It was an unforseen consequence, and one that they've delayed dealing with.
I can guide the reader better to that point.
And the backstory can unfold. You don't tell us about the Mage Master in you first chapter, and when you mention the Age of Magic you don't give us the full history right away.
6) adding 'her' as an extra word when not needed. Ex: Her hair worked loose as she straightened up and she pulled the rag off it to be sure the knots were tight. Her hair fell halfway down her back, a bit darker than her daughter's but still shiny without sorcery. Possible revision: Her hair worked loose as she straightened up, pulling the rag off (eliminate it) to be sure the knots were tight. (Synonym to avoid repeat) The whole mess fell halfway down her back...
First example possible. As to the second, Melayne's hair is not a mess, not in whole, not in part! (There, how's that for repetition?)
7) If Merran were here instead of practicing, she'd be asking why they were fooling around with vinegar instead of finding a spell for the job. (Add a clarifier here. This was a sign of her daughter's inexperience.)
What, I'm not showing it with the tender boiled laundry?
8) LOTS of 'was' added to your verbage. Ex: Someone was moving (moved) out front.
Eowne was falling (fell) against a wall and buckling.
First example, maybe. Second example, no. It announces a sudden change and contrast in the (perceived) speed of the action.
You and I will probably disagree on this for a long time.
9) Gone ... Barris ... Caneth ... they're gone ... dau-COUGH-ghter." She looked past the standing brick Hearth, past the charcoal bins (I dispute that Eowyne would know this. She is concussed, reeling from the explosion, and then the air was full of ash. All she knows is 'where is my baby? He's sick!)
If she trusts what she saw about her son, she has to trust what she saw with the others who were there. That was the last thing she saw before the air turned to mud.
I should probably have her describe it. She didn't hit her head against the wall, by the way. She slumped down as she watched in horror.
This continues to improve. You writing isn't static and the kitchen scene does a good job of setting the stage instead of leaving a blank curtain for me to guess about the surroundings. You explain that Merran was wearing house shoes (or mocasins) and is feeling the rocks through her soles. I didn't get that before.
You are relaying Melayne better. I have a better sense of her size, appearance, and disposition. Her training matches her upbringing. Now start adding this to Merran and Jamen. Ex: Most sorcerers wear those bracelets. You and your father don't. (Jamen knows exactly four sorcerers. Goran, Melayne, her husband, and Merran. Three of four wear the bracelets. Correct these little details because Jamen doesn't see bunches of sorcerers travelling through this hick town)
You are doing better on power descriptions, clarifying how Fire works in this world and letting us know what happens around Melayne as she puts out the chaos.
I'm still spending 8 words where I should spend five.
Oh, Jamen has come in contact with other sorcerers. He's not that isolated. Compared to Merran, he's practically cosmopolitan.
63 2014-12-29 11:48:51 (edited by njc 2014-12-29 12:01:33)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
My progress with current chapters is blocked because I have let slip some gremlins of TNBW by trying to reorder chapters. A brief of the sad, sorry tale is over on Site Bugs II.
In the meantime, I'm working on (very) large scale questions. I also worked the kinks out of the level detector in my off-hook alarm. (Biggest problem: transistor Q2 was one hole out of position on the plug-in solderless breadboard.) Next step is the three-way pigeon flasher (derived from and named for this).
Then there are a variety of physical design problems, and the choice between amber and yellow Platinum Dragon LEDs. The amber flashes are a bit harder to ignore, but it's closer to red than I would like.
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
njc, good luck with getting those gremlins back under the bridge. I haven't done it yet, otherwise I would've tried to help.
Do I get a "well-done" sticker if I recognised a resistor or two? 
But I'm looking forward to the day when it's all done and working.
What's the problem with red? * warning, I might be bias towards the colour for good reason * 
65 2014-12-29 13:48:59 (edited by njc 2014-12-29 13:54:10)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Red is reserved for true danger.
Over on the 'where to host' thread, there's a photo of the test article. Identify away! But the color rendering may make it hard to get the values. (They are all standard, E24 5% values.)
Bonus points for that tan blob in the front on the right.
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Red is reserved for true danger
Sounds good. Actually, sounds pretty good. I'll give you that!
I'm just going for bonus points straight. Capacitor.
To its left is a row of 5 resistors (they have stripes). The stripes mean something. Is used to determine the resistance in ohms. Easy enough to do with a handy chart. It's a zig-zag on a sketch.
Note to njc - If I get this right, this is not to be seen as a challenge to come up with even harder questions! If my electrical/electronic knowledge were a colour, it would be bright-red!
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Yes, but what -kind- of capacitor? And what are the resistor values? (No running off to a chart!)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Okay, this is the 3-way pigeon flasher I mean to try. Note that some component values are TBD.
(I may reverse it right-to-left.)
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
njc wrote:
Yes, but what -kind- of capacitor? And what are the resistor values? (No running off to a chart!)
* shuffling sideways to a chart .... *
So much for the note. Bravely, I googled images of capacitors - it's safe for work unlike K's recent attempts (as a side note) - and then I wikied tantalum capacitor to be sure. So I'm going for tantalum capacitor, solid electrolyte epoxy-dipped style aka the tan blob type capacitor. 
I hope I get an A for effort, all bonus points owing and usually I would insist on chocolates, but given a recent conversation in the medieval/fantasy/magic forums I'm not going to risk a huge misunderstanding and will just ask for a cold beer instead.
Is the 3-way pigeon flasher part of the off-hook alarm setup? And what is the ETA for it?
70 2014-12-30 01:40:32 (edited by janet reid 2014-12-30 01:57:40)
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
K (hope you're looking over your shoulder!)
I'm guessing here, but next thing you're going to tell me is you also know there is a group of red-heads known as The Fire of Rankin lead by the Septi Caput Capitis counsel which secretly rules the world from Edinburgh, Scotland ... It's not true, of course.
* snickers *
Side note - It may account for why Scotland has the highest proportional population of redheads in the world at about 13%. And could potentially explain why most of the Red Head’s Aren’t Evil/Vampires research comes from there.
ps - 13% is heaps. I'd keep an one eye open when I sleep if I were you and on that number - when we reach, sorry, what I meant to say, when *it* reaches critical mass at 15%, we're going to take over the world openly instead of just running things in the shadows as we’ve done for centuries ... hehehe
Actually, no, not really, I'm just messing with your head now! Maybe ...
71 2014-12-30 02:34:42 (edited by njc 2014-12-30 02:35:13)
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Yep, it's a tantalum cap. Now, why would I choose an expensive tantalum cap for that spot? You did read the articles, right?
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
* takes a sip of tea *
I do believe Kanye now ranks higher than both Patrick and Oprah, but I could be wrong as, inexcusably, I missed the last combined Illuminati and Fire of Rankin meeting where it would've been confirmed as I was watching a rerun of Friends. My bad.
Yes, it is mere coincidence, but I'm not sure why you would want to disarm a bomb?
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
njc wrote:
Yep, it's a tantalum cap. Now, why would I choose an expensive tantalum cap for that spot? You did read the articles, right?
Well, only until I saw the first tan blob picture. But luckily it did cover why one would use them - where small or longer lifetime or both matter. How much more expensive are they?
- njc
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
Not the reason. They have a low Equivalent Series Resistance and can operate at high frequencies with little loss. That means that they can pass sharp transients effectively.
Tantalums are commonly used as decoupling caps, allowing switching transients (think water hammer) generated in one section to run to the ground rail, keeping them from influencing other parts of the circuit.
Price: in their common values, maybe three to six times low-ESR aluminum electrolytics od the same size. Outside that range of values, they can be twenty times as expensive, one hundred times expensive, or not available at all.
For small caps ceramic, multilayer ceramic, and various polymer/film types can be used instead.
- janet reid
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Re: The Sorcerer's Progress
njc, that was going my second suggestion ...
