Topic: Unbar's Thread

You're back!  Yippee!  Has everything calmed down since Xmas is over? 

Oh, to bring you up to date, I only went to one day of the Chicago conference.  In hindsight, it's pretty hilarious.  I was dressed to the 9's, had a black turtleneck and great jewelry, wore my cashmere coat...blah, blah, blah...I even had business cards printed so I could pass them out if necessary.

I was as sick as a dog with the flu but didn't want to miss the conference.  So I sat in one of the lectures, leaned against a wall, held up by my fancy coat as I dozed through the morning.  I really wanted to go to two lectures.  One on website design, the other on revising.  Both were in the afternoon. 

It was hell.

I left at the end of the first day and holed up at a friend's house.  They fed me mashed potatoes and gravy and let me sleep for 18 hours.  I missed the second day.  It just wasn't worth going back for another round.  Me vs. Flu.  Flu won. 

I'm better now.  What do you want reviewed?

A

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Re: Unbar's Thread

Amy, I know it has been forever but sorry I missed you.  I have moved to St George Utah now so no more Chicago conferences.  I did go to LTUE in Provo Utah this year with Brandon Sanderson and a host of other greats and it was incredible.  I was there for 3 days soaking it all in.  I have been waiting to get my second book edited for forever and it is finally done.  I am releasing book two to Kindle on Black Friday.  I am going to workshop book 3 here on the site again as soon as I have the credits.  I have 12 or so chapters written.  What work would you like me to review?  Anyone else looking for a review buddy?  I would like 4 or 5 eyes on this and will be happy to reciprocate.

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Re: Unbar's Thread

By the way, here is the book cover for book 2, what do you think?  http://i67.tinypic.com/2qlbp0o.jpg

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Here is my blurb for book 2, any thoughts?  "After discovering that he can enter the World of Books, 15 year-old Tommy Travers has accepted training under the Gifted and now must learn to control his new powers. He has already seen the devastating consequences of ignorance. The repercussions for his past decisions are not over. The escaped wizard Mephitis read his mind. He knows where the Gifted are. If he can just get his powers back the warehouse, the Gifted, the world, will be his. Tommy is the only one who can stop him, but first he must discover the secret that Amelia has been keeping from him all along."

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Re: Unbar's Thread

The repercussions for his past decisions are not over -> far from over
(signed the not-police)

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Re: Unbar's Thread

Unbar wrote:

Here is my blurb for book 2, any thoughts?  "After discovering that he can enter the World of Books, 15 year-old Tommy Travers has accepted training under the Gifted and now must learn to control his new powers. He has already seen the devastating consequences of ignorance. The repercussions for his past decisions are not over. The escaped wizard Mephitis read his mind. He knows where the Gifted are. If he can just get his powers back the warehouse, the Gifted, the world, will be his. Tommy is the only one who can stop him, but first he must discover the secret that Amelia has been keeping from him all along."

That's pretty good! I have nothing to add or change.

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Re: Unbar's Thread

Unbar wrote:

Here is my blurb for book 2, any thoughts?  "After discovering that he can enter the World of Books, 15 year-old Tommy Travers has accepted training under the Gifted and now must learn to control his new powers. He has already seen the devastating consequences of ignorance. The repercussions for his past decisions are not over. The escaped wizard Mephitis read his mind. He knows where the Gifted are. If he can just get his powers back the warehouse, the Gifted, the world, will be his. Tommy is the only one who can stop him, but first he must discover the secret that Amelia has been keeping from him all along."

There is enough information here to get a sense of the story and the characters, except for Amelia. Needs one or two words before her name to describe her role (e.g., the enchanted princess).

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Good point Norm, I will add something there.

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What does everyone think about the cover?

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I like the color scheme but I think it's missing a"book" element

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11 Reply by njc (edited by njc 2016-11-10 18:32:27)

Re: Unbar's Thread

We don't see any of tke hero's face, only gis back and a dark far-profile.

There's too much space given over to the background elements, and too much separation between him and them.

I'll amplify later when fully awake.

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Re: Unbar's Thread

I've got some thoughts about the blurb but I need a computer to type with.

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I like the cover. A lot. Good mystery, the MC showcased as teen male, and the promise of combat in the pose and quarterstaff.

Weakness: no visual of anything bookie. Could you put something like a book around the title? Otherwise this cover looks like something about a teen martial artist.

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Re: Unbar's Thread

amy s wrote:

Weakness: no visual of anything bookie. Could you put something like a book around the title? Otherwise this cover looks like something about a teen martial artist.

The cover is great. If you want to add books, I suggest a few "old" books (e.g., with a few pages hanging out of them, some unknown symbols on the covers, etc.) strewn on the ground. I think new books would ruin the otherworldly effect of the above cover.

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Re: Unbar's Thread

Books is your central theme... your main character's main power. Imagine a Harry Potter cover but he's holding a sword instead of a wand.

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16 Reply by njc (edited by njc 2016-11-11 06:56:50)

Re: Unbar's Thread

I've spent a couple of hours fooling around with GIMP.  I'm no expert (and it should have a non-linear perspective transform, but does not).
http://i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u394/njGreybeard/Master-of-Books-II_zpshjn1c8cl.png

Now, as to why I did this and that.  Part of my rationale comes from what I see on covercritics.com.

I've made Tommy bigger.  I've put an open-book icon on his back (grabbed off the web-your artist will have to make his own).  No, it's not something in the story, but it's an indication to the reader of Tommy's special powers.

I've tried to move Tommy closer to the reader, and to move the danger closer to him.  I've done a very clumsy two-stage perspective wrap.  I've given him a little more room, and moved him a little off center so that he's looking through the center in his confrontation with the danger.  You could move him a bit further to the left.

I would also have Tommy looking straight out at the danger, not down.

The extra arm is a failure of my editing ... but I don't want to spend another two hours on fixing it.  You can see the idea.

HopeThisHelps.

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I like njc's approach....

Note the lines in original don't pull my eyes in a consistent direction...
http://kwan.skyfire.ca/images/tnbw/SoM1.jpg
(lines drawn across the eyes of the background shapes)

njc's is a bit more organized, albeit centered on the lower back instead of the upper back
http://kwan.skyfire.ca/images/tnbw/SoM2.jpg
(the curvature he puts in the ground works well againstthe staff)

if you go with njc's approach, might I suggest you rearrange the title text to improve the line work?
http://kwan.skyfire.ca/images/tnbw/SoM3.jpg

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18 Reply by njc (edited by njc 2016-11-11 09:02:29)

Re: Unbar's Thread

The curvature in the ground is a side-effect of the clumsy piecewise perspective transforms.

Unbar, is this the same artist you used for the other cover?

One thing you might do is leave Tommy a bit smaller, but keep him close to the viewer (no space under him) and have him looking up to the threat.

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Re: Unbar's Thread

K is correct about drawing the eye toward the MC. And I like how he adjusted the title to correct the perspective.

As to the blurb:

"After discovering that he can enter the World of Books, 15 year-old Tommy Travers has accepted training under the Gifted and now must learn to control his new powers. He has already seen the devastating consequences of ignorance. The repercussions for his past decisions are not over. The escaped wizard Mephitis read his mind. He knows where the Gifted are. If he can just get his powers back the warehouse, the Gifted, the world, will be his. Tommy is the only one who can stop him, but first he must discover the secret that Amelia has been keeping from him all along.

First thought: Too many characters and names in a blurb. Stick to the MC and the villain. Drop Amelia.

Two sentences are vague and could be used to describe just about any book anywhere. They need to be weeded. "He has already seen the devastating consequences of ignorance. The repercussions for his past decisions are not over."

With thinning, here are a few ideas.

Ex: 15 year-old Tommy Travers discovered he could enter the World of Books, but his learning curve unleashed the wizard Mephitis on the real world. Now the bad guy knows who Tommy is, where he lives, and where the Gifted hide. Unprepared and untrained, Tommy is the only one who can stop a man who was written to be without a soul.

You get the idea. Hope this helped.

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20 Reply by Elisheva Free (edited by Elisheva Free 2016-11-11 20:12:42)

Re: Unbar's Thread

I am learning so much about covers and book-blurbs...

Unbar wrote:

Anyone else looking for a review buddy?  I would like 4 or 5 eyes on this and will be happy to reciprocate.

I would love to acquire another review-buddy for Colorless Dragons, but first I need to get my chapters fixed so they show the right timeline. smile I made major PoV and setting changes in the early chapters. Maybe another month before I get them fixed? *crosses fingers*

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21 Reply by njc

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Split 'of the' and let Tommy's head fit close between them.

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22 Reply by njc

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Use your original open font and put 'Master' over Tommy's lower legs.

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23 Reply by njc (edited by njc 2016-11-12 09:07:45)

Re: Unbar's Thread

Here's the last suggestion.  (Of course, the thing is becoming more and more a cut-up mess.)
http://i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u394/njGreybeard/Master-of-Books-III_zpsozysenrq.png

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Personally, I think the three arms are kinda cool.

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You guys are awesome.  I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your suggestions.  This book is up for pre-sale on Amazon right now and I have to have the final copies in place by the 21st of this month so if I do any changes it will have to be soon.  I will kick all these suggestions around for a bit.  i appreciate the suggestion on the blurb as well.  I've written two novels now and have to admit that synopsis and blurb writing is beyond me.  I struggle mightily with it.  Amy, I think I am going to use much of what you suggested,  as always, thanks.  By the way, does anyone else have a WIP they want me to review?  I would like to start workshopping book 3  here.

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